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He was trapped. He was terrified. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe. Yuki’s mind was a messy replay of everything. In that room. When he was alone. When he wasn’t. The anxiety pitting under his heart, squeezing his ribs and lungs tight. A ball of tear-jerking, suffocating pain. Tighter. Tighter. He gasped for air and fell to his knees. The boy's lungs didn't let him breathe, no matter how hard he tried, he was trapped in his own body and he could. Not. Breathe. Yuki was horrified - is this how he was going to die? Suffocate. Suffocate. Suffocate. He grit his teeth, tears burned his eyes, he squeezed them shut, it was too painful. Too much pain. Too much. What triggered this? That doesn’t matter. What happened? His hands grasped his shoulders in a desperate attempt at a self-hug. Why is he like this? Stop. Stop. Make it stop. It hurts. This hurts. It doesn’t matter. No one cares, no one cared. No one saw. No one can see him. He grasped for anything, reached for anything. Reached for help. He needed help. Help. Oh god please help-
A warm feeling wrapped their arms around his shoulders.
Poof!
Suddenly, his body felt small, and light. He was no longer wearing anything except fur and, he could no longer hear anything except... a heartbeat? Where was he? He looked around. A pair of hands were holding him against warm skin. Through the tear-blurred vision, he recognized a neck. Long brown hair, too. He was at her chest. Who’s chest? Honda-San?
He gripped at the rim of her shirt with his little hands, still gasping for air, more erratically now that his lungs were much smaller. He was so scared. He couldn’t handle any of it. He couldn’t. He can’t. He can’t -
“Yuki...”
He stopped.
“Yuki, it’s okay.”
He could feel the vibrations of her voice through her chest, all over him.
“Yuki, you’re safe...”
He could feel the genuine truth behind her words, that she meant it. She wasn’t lying.
“Yuki...”
He stopped shaking. He stopped breathing. He stopped paying attention to anything except her.
“Breathe...”
And he exhaled slowly. Shakily. He closed his eyes, and felt the warm hands push his body into the crook of the neck. He instinctively nuzzled, he felt safe. He really did. He could breathe. He didn’t have to think about what scared him. What did, scare him? Why was he panicking?
“Yuki, just focus on my voice, and your breathing, okay?”
He nodded. Then wondered if she could tell. But, he couldn’t speak. Not yet. He would cry if he tried to, and that was something he wasn’t ready to reveal to this person who would probably end up helping him through that, too.
Was anyone else in the room? Was Kyo, or Shigure, there? He didn’t remember, and he didn’t want to know, and just hoped they were alone. He closed his eyes and pressed his small forehead against the large vein at the side of her throat. He felt her heartbeat. It was so much deeper and louder and slower than his. He could even feel it all the way through to the tip of his tail. Yuki wondered how it would compare if he wasn’t transformed.
He felt her thumb run gently over his back. It felt very whole. It was warm and massaging. Tranquilizing, almost. He exhaled slowly again, and in doing so, the rodent realized that he was incredibly tense, and let his body relax, slowly, limb by limb, and even dared to go limp. He trusted she would hold him.
He wasn’t let down, in any sense of the phrase.
She simply held him into her neck, and pet him slowly, with an occasional scritch. Somehow, those two (and a half) actions alone are what slowly brought him back to reality. He was grateful. He was.. happy. He felt emotional. A wave of everything. All at once. It wasn’t bad, per sé, but it was overwhelming. It was almost too much for him. For his small body, and mind, and heart. It was too much. Even the good parts contributed. Even this, being taken care of so fondly by someone so loving and genuine and consistent in his life. Did he really deserve this? Does he? Does he honestly deserve her...?
... no.
“Keep breathing, Yuki. You’re doing really good. We're going to get through this.”
The small rodent hiccuped. He swallowed back a sob, and held tightly onto a finger for his own emotional and physical crutch. He needed the balance even though he wasn’t even moving. He needed it, so he wouldn’t fall, or trip, or faint. He felt so dizzy and hazed.
“It’s okay. You’re completely safe right now. No one is here except for you and me. And I want to be here for you. Don’t think you’re a burden, Yuki.”
The vibrations of her voice were so strong. The meanings, the sounds, the vibrations, the intentions, the genuinely caring nature, the words lightly influenced by her heartbeat, he could feel it all. Everything. All over him.
He gave in.
Yuki began to cry.
His sobs varied between small squeaks from his animal to sounds of his actual voice. He tried to swallow it all back, but the harder he struggled, the more it would force itself out. Honda-San continued to comfort him, like she always did. She loved him. Unconditionally. He sucked in a harsh breath and let out a muffled cry against her skin. She loved him. She wasn’t sickened by his existence. She was there, taking care of this mess of a rat.
He felt her hands still their soothing movements and instead rest warmly around the entirety of his small body. She seemed happy to help. She honestly wanted to help. He doesn’t deserve this, he cried louder, hiding his face in her shirt and using his little hands to grab at her finger, and hold for dear life, oh god, he doesn’t deserve this love at all, and yet,
He’s so relieved. So, so grateful, to this girl, whom was once a stranger, who is now supporting him in every way. He would almost say he felt, ashamed, to be receiving so much care.
He felt her lightly rub her thumb gently along his tummy, and she sighed happily.
“Is that all the crying you needed to do?”
Oh. He hadn’t realized he’d stopped crying, he was just so focused on everything else, that his physical reaction to the world seemed to be the least important. Perhaps that was because he knew he would be taken care of and looked after. He nuzzled into her neck, curling his body into the conveniently-sized dip above her collar bone. Her hands adjusted with him and continued their soft massages.
“mm... mhm.”
He truly meant to say yes, but, he was still at a loss for words. He wasn’t used to such physical care. He wasn’t even used to normal human interaction, let alone this. Was he being too greedy? Was he asking for too much in demanding more of her love and attention? He opened his eyes, and looked up at her. He could see the detail in her skin, her jawbone, the underneath of her ear, things he wouldn’t see as a person standing in front of her...
Wait. Wait.
... oh no.
“H-Honda-san.. you’re, crying...?” nothing more than a shaky whisper.
The girl seemed alarmed, like she wasn’t expecting him to see. He probably shouldn’t have looked, but, why was she -
“Hah, sorry Yuki,” she smiled, and nuzzled his body with her cheek. “I’m just, so relieved that you’re able to cry, even if you can’t talk about it. And I’m happy that I can be the one to help you.”
Yuki found himself speechless and shocked, again. She was crying, for him. Not because she was sad, or upset, or scared, but because she was happy that he opened up to her like this. He pressed his head against her cheek in return of gesture, and closed his eyes. The boy turned rodent breathed deeply, and slowly. He realized now that, he didn’t want this to end. He found where he wanted to be, how he wanted to feel, how he wanted to be helped.
She inhaled, deeply, and he followed.
He wanted to stay like this, because...
He exhaled, slowly.
Because, she was home. And with her, he could finally breathe.