Work Text:
It was great to see Samuel again, it was even better to see him win the finals of the competition show they participated in. But that didn’t mean Jun didn’t work his ass off to get as far as he did.
All of that hard work seemed to go to waste when he scrolled through the comments on the videos uploaded. Words he’s heard since his debut flitted to the top of the screen. “Whiny”, “ugly”, “worthless”, “fat”. Phrases that amounted his fame to being apart of a fairly successful group or being friends with Minghao, who was obviously more talented than Jun could ever hope to be.
He sat in the hotel room, the night before going back to Korea to start preparing for a comeback, and read all the hurtful, hateful, comments that were left by fans. Wonwoo would scold him for calling the writers of the comments fans, but Junhui knew they liked other members so they could still be considered fans.
Minghao was in the shower, taking longer than normal, Jun thought it was because the younger had overworked his already fatigued muscles. When the door began to open, Junhui quickly grabbed his shower caddy and slipped into the bathroom as Minghao exited. Jun stripped off his extremely tight performance pants and loose, see through shirt.
He didn’t have any defined muscles like Seungcheol or Mingyu. He was lithe but still more bulky than Soonyoung or Joshua. He was tall, not model-like, but sometimes he wished to be Jihoon’s height to be less noticeable. Jun poked at his slightly bloated stomach, a repercussion from having drinks and fried chicken. Samuel had requested they all go out to eat one more time, the younger didn’t know when he’d see the other former members.
Jun wondered if he looked like this all the time to the fans and people watching the groups. He thought to himself how unattractive it would be to see someone pretty like Seokmin right next to the abomination that was himself. Jun decided that if not eating could make Seungkwan skinnier, it would make him lose weight too.
宝宝
Jun hadn’t been part of the conversation, the one where Seungcheol yelled at Seungkwan while Jeonghan held him close. The one where Joshua pushed Seungcheol, Joshua who never even got verbally violent, put his hands on Seungcheol’s broad shoulders and pushed him into the kitchen counter. The one where Vernon pleaded with Seungkwan to eat regularly and healthily after he had collapsed for the sixth time after a vocal lesson.
宝宝
HIT was intense, impactful, exhausting. Of course, it looked cool and sounded nice thanks to Jihoon and Soonyoung, even Chan contributed some moves to the choreography.
But it still took a toll on all their bodies, especially Jun’s, he was still refusing to eat anything but juices and the occasional granola bar. It had been hard the first few weeks, the need to eat clawing at his stomach every time he saw a member eating. But he had to stay strong, persevere through the pain and tiredness and stress he was putting on his body.
Joshua looked at Jun one day, almost as if he had lost his mind when the Chinese male refused the dumplings Joshua and Mingyu had made for the group. Joshua had placed five on Jun’s plate, a normal amount the man would have eaten. But Jun wasn’t normal anymore. He had just pushed the food away making an excuse that he wasn’t hungry.
Which was true. As the weeks turned into months, HIT was released as a digital single and they began preparing for Fear. Jun didn’t feel hungry anymore. He was content with his orange juice in the morning, apple juice for lunch, and the occasional second glass of orange juice for dinner.
The members would comment on how Jun’s jaw looked sharper, or his legs looked thinner. But Seungkwan knew. He was just too afraid to bring it up, he didn’t want Jun to be yelled at and cry and feel so much more helpless. He didn’t want Minghao to notice that his favourite, closest hyung - ge- was sick. So he kept his mouth quiet, it’s not that serious anyway.
宝宝
They were going over Lie Again, a somber, slower song from the new album when Jun fell. One beat he was up on his feet, the next his head made contact with the hardwood floor.
Everyone rushed towards their eldest Chinese members before Seungcheol yelled at them to give him some space. He elevated Jun’s legs with Joshua’s dance bag and had Vernon run to get a cool towel. They waited for a few minutes before Jun’s eyes opened.
“Hey, guys,” Jun said in a breathy laugh. Jeonghan gave him a look, Minghao was staring daggers at Jun, Soonyoung was shaking his head. All of them looked concerned, Mingyu, the big softie, had tears in his eyes.
Jun began to slowly sit up, “Hey, it’s okay. I’m fine. Just didn’t drink enough today.” He went to reach for his own dance bag and leaned against the wall. He let the concrete blocks cool his forehead. When he finished fishing for his water bottle in his bag, it was full. A few of the members gasped.
“Junnie, we’ve been going at this for hours! We’ve had multiple water breaks. Why is your water bottle full?” Soonyoung asked in the quiet leader voice he rarely used. The seriousness in his voice scared Jun.
Soonyoung was one of the members Jun thought he could fool forever. He joked constantly and didn’t push a subject if someone didn’t want to talk about it. But when someone wasn’t taking care of their body in the most obvious ways, Soonyoung was the first to reprimand people. No matter your age or status in the group, you’d get an earful.
Jun grimly smiled at Soonyoung as he began to take small sips from the bottle, “sorry, Soonie. I’ll do better.”
Jun needed to do better. He needed to hide better, he knew that what he was doing was going to cause serious problems in the group if someone noticed. And they were starting to notice.
宝宝
They had comeback. And Jun had slowly began to eat more. The comments on the music video had been positive, “Jun should have been given more screen time and lines”, “Jun looks really thin”, “The prince of China looks so good this comeback”. He allowed himself to consume more than juices.
Jun was sitting at the table, watching the rest of his members eat the eggs, bacon, and toast Joshua had made for them. Jun just nibbled at the toast, telling the others that his stomach was upset and he shouldn’t have all that stuff anyway.
He didn’t catch the looks all the leaders gave him and the gazes they exchanged between themselves. Silently agreeing that something needed to be done, and soon, to figure out what was wrong with Jun.
They rushed breakfast to make it to the music show building. Jun napped while he got his hair and makeup done, completely ignoring the screams and antics of the younger members. The stylist left him in the chair and continued to do Seokmin’s makeup on the couch, “Jun-ah hasn’t been looking good lately. We had to take in a lot of his pants and the shirts are getting even more flowy on him.” She mentioned to Seungcheol.
He thanked her for telling him and not the manager. That was all the confirmation he needed. He pulled Soonyoung and Jihoon aside to talk privately. Jeonghan and Joshua were keeping the maknaes occupied.
“What do we do? Jun is different from Seungkwan. He won’t budge or admit he has a problem.” Soonyoung blurted out.
Jihoon looked at him before speaking, “let’s not call it a problem in front of hyung, he won’t appreciate it.” Soonyoung’s head fell to fix his gaze on the floor, ashamed for being so rash in his comments.
Seungcheol shook his head. “As much as I hate this, we have to Hao. Vernon was the only one to convince Kwannie to eat again, Hao would be the only one Jun would tell.”
Soonyoung lifted his head so quickly, “so what? You wanna tell Channie too and make it a whole Performance Team thing. We can all sing Kumbaya and hold hands while we talk about our struggles and convince each other to fix them?”
That’s not how Seungcheol meant that to come out. Jihoon jumped to the leader’s defense. “Yah! That’s not what we’re saying and you know it Soon. You would only listen to me if you were struggling with something. I go to you constantly with my depression issues, you insensitive bastard. Hao and Jun understand each other, all of us have a person within this group that we go to. A person who loves us unconditionally a little more than the others do. We’re saying that Minghao would help Junhui heal and get better. That’s all we want for Jun, it just happens that both of them are dancers.”
Soonyoung’s eyes widened, moisture collecting at the corners. Jihoon opened his arms and Soonyoung dove into them. The smaller man held his best friend as he quietly sobbed. Wonwoo, who had been listening in on the conversation, spoke up, “Soonyoungie, don’t mess up your makeup, stylist noona will kill you!”
Soonyoung’s tears turned into water laughs. He carefully dabbed his eyes before hugging Jihoon again. The two looked comfortable with each other. Unlike Minghao who was messing with Jun. The elder was still fast asleep, but the younger dancer was tickling Jun’s nose with a feather. Jun’s nose would twitch ever so slightly.
Maybe Minghao wasn’t the one they should tell, Seungcheol thought to himself with a chuckle.
宝宝
They ended telling Minghao when promotions had ended. He was a crying mess, running to Jeonghan and Jisoo for cuddles and reassurance. The two oldest vocalists were shocked when the door to their room flung open and hit the frame as Minghao slammed it shut.
With tears running down his cheeks, Minghao struggled with Korean. He choked out a question, one Jeonghan barely understood. Half of it was in incoherent Mandarin, but Jisoo understood the tone Minghao used.
The American scooted towards the edge of the bed and made room in between him and Jeonghan for the small Chinese boy. Minghao crawled into bed like a baby, asking to be held and sang to. The two complied, taking turns or sometimes singing songs together to soothe Minghao.
The youngest in the bed fell asleep quickly, feeling better about his task at hand. He was determined to help his Jun-ge with whatever was troubling him.
宝宝
Minghao woke up to an empty bed at midnight. He had no idea where the elder singers ran off to but he got out of bed too. His feet dragged him to Jun’s room. Minghao knocked lightly, waiting for a response before remembering it was late and Jun was probably sleeping.
He pushed the door open and walked to Jun’s bed. There was a lump in the middle cuddling a pillow. Jun’s phone was still on his bed. Minghao moved to plug it in, it opened to the comments page of the new music video.
Minghao noticed how it was all hate comments Jun had screenshotted and stored into his phone. It broke the younger man’s heart to see his ge go through this. He climbed into the bed and replaced the pillow Jun was cuddling.
宝宝
“Junnie, it’s time to get up.” The voice spoke in Mandarin, Jun assumed it was Minghao. He pushed the voice away and clutched the pillow closer to his ears. Minghao pulled all the blankets from the bed and was trying to pry the pillow from Jun when he slipped. He fell flat on his butt and let out a groan.
Jun sat straight up and was checking on Minghao in an instant. He scooped him into his arms and set him on his lap. “Are you alright, HaoHao?” Jun cooed.
“I could ask the same thing, ge. You haven’t been feeling well for a while.” Jun nodded, he had kept up the act that his stomach still hurt or he was too nervous to eat a big meal. He ate actual fruits now, though.
“Wanna talk about it, ge. I won’t judge.” Minghao looked sincere. “I would never judge you. I love you so much, baobao.” Minghao wrapped his arms around Jun’s neck and pulled him close to hug him tightly. Jun melted into the embrace, smelling a clean, good-smelling Minghao.
“I made you breakfast. It’s okay if you don’t eat all of it, but I want you yo eat most of it, ge.” Jun paled, his throat clenched, he was panicking.
“Hao, I don’t know if I can. I haven’t eaten a lot this week and this much food would upset my stomach even more.” Jun tried to reason with Minghao. His pleading fell on deaf ears.
“If you don’t eat, I won’t eat either, baobao.” He was using Cantonese, just to get under Jun’s skin, to tell the older man he was serious. Minghao would starve himself for the sake of Jun.
宝宝
They had a rare day off, three weeks of Minghao eating whatever Jun ate. He looked sickly, all skin and bone. Jeonghan refused to cuddle him anymore, his ribs and spine would push into the soft tummy and cool hands while Minghao sat on his lap. A week ago, Minghao switched from being cuddle buddies with Jeonghan to being constantly adored by Joshua.
The American would try to sneak him snacks but Minghao was adamant about keeping the “diet” Jun followed. Their day off turned into a cuddle day with continuous movies in the living room. Some of the younger members had wanted to build a fort, it ended in a pile of blankets on top of Chan, Seungkwan, Hansol, Minghao, Jun, and Joshua. The elders had been pulled onto the floor for the ‘sake of snuggles’ claimed Seungkwan.
Mingyu suggested they do a Marvel marathon and gathered all the movies they physically owned. There were protests about which one to start with, shouts emerging from rather passionate members.
No one noticed Minghao collapse. He was sitting against one of the couches and he head lolled back to rest on the cushion. Seungcheol played with his hair, looking down at the younger foreigner when he didn’t lean into the touch.
“Hao?” Seungcheol lightly pushed Minghao and he crumpled forward onto Joshua. “Hao!”
Minghao’s eyes flew open, “oh” he looked around, wondering how he got in the position he was in. “Sorry, hyung. Didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”
“Hao,” Joshua started as his hands found their way into Minghao’s hair, “baby, you didn’t fall asleep. You passed out.” Minghao leaned his head against Josh’s shoulders and sighed.
“I’m proving to Junnie this is hard on him by making it hard on me.” Minghao’s defiance shone through.
“Oh, sweetheart. We know, but it doesn’t mean we agree with what you’re doing to yourself and Junnie. He left, you should probably go talk to him. Really talk, not just be defensive.”
As Minghao got up, he mumbled about how they liked his defensive attitude. He walked down the hall to Jun’s room and knocked on the door. “Go away!” a teary voice came through the door.
“No can do, ge,” Minghao said as he pushed the door open and entered Jun’s room. He was stunned when he saw Jun huddled in the corner clutching his sides. “Are you hurt, Jun?” Minghao rushed out as he walked to Jun.
The elder shook his head and tried to push Minghao away.
“No! You don’t get to do that. Don’t shut me out, ge!” Minghao held onto Jun’s arm, pushing him away. He pulled it forward so Jun ended up in Minghao’s arms.
“You’re gonna sit here and we’re going to talk. Junnie, I know why you’re doing this. You know I know and the way I’m approaching this might not be the best because I’m hurting myself in the process but it has to change. Don’t you want to get better, baobao?” The conversation took a turn.
It really wasn’t a conversation, it was just Jun crying into Minghao’s soft sweater while complaining about everything, the hate comments, the fans’ approval, the anorexia. He spoke in cries and sobs, heaving out long sentences without taking a breath.
Minghao held him and reassured him that nothing anyone said wasn’t true. He was beautiful, and talented, and worthy or his spot in the group. He was worthy of the care and attention Minghao and the rest of the members gave him.
Minghao moved them to the bed to comfortably lay. Jun still sniffling here and there but significantly better. “We’ll start by just eating a small bowl of rice every meal, baobao. Then work our way from there. Start small and work big. Just like dancing, ge.”
Minghao held Junhui tighter as the elder fell asleep. He pressed a small kiss to Jun’s forehead and hair and cheek before deciding to stop. Anything more might wake Jun. Minghao pulled the blankets around them tighter and fell asleep too, knowing he and Jun were going to get better. He was going to help Jun get better.