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Adam Parrish was familiar with sorrow. It threaded through his body like veins, vital to keeping him alive. Some days it drifted aimlessly, not anchoring to him and allowing him moments where he felt light again. Other days it pooled in his chest, crushing against his ribs and collapsing the air in his lungs. Every breath he took reminded him of how heavy it was, how familiar it felt.
The earth pulled at his feet as he walked, somewhat aimlessly. His entire body felt tense and aching, like he’d slept on a hard floor. He hadn’t even slept last night. His feet carried him onwards and he let them. His mind was a haze he couldn’t think through.
He found himself where he always ended up, on Ronan’s doorstep. He felt like he had the time with Gansey, like no time had passed at all, even if logically he knew it would’ve taken a long time to get here. It wasn’t even Cabeswater. It was just him.
Adam let himself in without knocking, unsure if Ronan was even there. He just needed to be somewhere he had been.
“Adam?” Ronan’s voice asked from the living room.
Adam shut his eyes. His mouth felt stitched shut. He had no way of explaining himself to Ronan. His feet stayed stuck to the ground, waiting.
Ronan’s footsteps came towards him, stopping close enough that Adam could almost feel the heat from his body. “What’s wrong?” Ronan asked, his voice a thousand times quieter than usual.
Adam shook his head, forcing his eyes open. Ronan was looking at him, really looking at him, and something inside Adam loosened. Hot tears streamed down his face, a broken dam that he was helpless to stop.
“Hey,” Ronan said softly, stepping forwards to wrap Adam in a hug. Adam practically collapsed in his arms, clinging to him tightly as he sobbed. He’d missed Ronan like an ache, and having him in front of him to hold onto was just making him cry harder.
Ronan murmured to him, quiet things that Adam could barely hear with his face pressed to Ronan’s shirt. He knew he was soaking it but he couldn’t stop. He just stood there and wept.
“I know,” Ronan said, so quietly it was hardly a whisper.
Adam heaved in a shuttering breath, trying to stop for just a moment. “I’m sorry,” he managed, his face still hidden.
“It’s okay,” Ronan breathed. “It’s okay, come here.”
He lead Adam to the couch, sitting down so Adam could lean against him. He was a steady and warm presence against Adam’s side. Adam curled against him, his head back against Ronan’s chest. Ronan combed his fingers through his hair, occasionally using the pad of his thumb to swipe a tear off Adam’s cheek.
“It’s okay,” he said again as Adam slowed. He felt exhausted. “It’s alright, Adam.”
Adam wiped clumsily at his face, smearing the tears rather than wiping them. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I missed you.”
Ronan pressed a featherlight kiss to his temple. “I know. It’s okay.”
“I don’t know why I did that,” Adam admitted, embarrassed already.
“Sometimes you need to.” Ronan’s arms wrapped around Adam’s waist. “I missed you to.”
Adam turned his head to kiss him softly, keenly aware of how wet his face was. “Thank you,” he said, dropped his forehead to Ronan’s shoulder.
“Of course,” Ronan murmured.
Adam closed his eyes, listening to the steady beat of Ronan’s heart. It was constant and strong. The sadness receded for another day.