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Gabriel shivered against the wind, cursing himself for once again forgetting about his newborn sensitivity to the cold. It was strange after so many years of grace keeping him invulnerable to the elements. Millennia upon millennia of top-notch homeostasis and now suddenly he was left wishing for a thick coat and some hand warmers.
Just another consequence of being Asmodeus’ personal pet, unable to stop the tweaker from draining every last bit of his grace.
Gabriel jumped as the bunker door slammed shut.
“Sorry. I uh, saw you leave. Figured I’d come see if you wanted company,” Sam muttered, “I brought coffee.”
“Thanks,” Gabriel took one of the hot mugs as Sam eased down beside him. He met his eyes for a moment, watching the beauty of rural skies reflect in their depths.
“So, what are you doing out here?”
“Just stargazing. Couldn’t sleep, you know how it is.” Gabriel offered a tight smile, quickly looking down to the swirling coffee. He let the steam rise to his face, thawing his frozen features.
Sam’s lips pulled into a frown, “Is something wrong?”
“It’s nothing out of the ordinary.”
“Well sometimes ordinary doesn’t mean alright. If there’s something going on you can tell me, you know that.”
“It’s really nothing,” he looked away from Sam’s eyes, letting his gaze come to rest on a simple grey stone instead. “Just… little thoughts here and there.”
“Like what?”
Gabriel remained silent, rubbing his thumb along the edge of his mug.
“Hey,” Sam nudged him, “You can tell me, Gabriel. I care about you, I want to help.”
“You shouldn’t,” Gabriel blurted out, clutching the mug much tighter now.
“What?”
He turned away, putting the coffee to the side, nearly spilling it due to his shaky hands. “Sorry. I didn’t- I'm fine, really.”
He felt Sam lay his hand gently on his back, “What’s going on?”
Gabriel sighed, his eyes flitted shut as he wrapped his arms around his waist, shaking from biting cold and painful memories. “I deserved to be there.”
“To be where?”
“With- with him. ”
"With Asmodeus?"
Gabriel curled further in on himself, nodding slightly.
"You didn't deserve that."
When he didn't respond Sam pulled his hand back. For a moment Gabriel thought that he'd get up and leave, but suddenly he felt a weight wrap around his shoulders. Sam held his coat over Gabriel's body, exposing his own skin to the cold breeze.
Gabriel opened his mouth to protest, but Sam began speaking first.
"Gabriel, you didn't deserve what he did to you. You deserve to be here with us, to be happy… loved." Gabriel hugged himself tighter, wondering how someone like Sam could ever show compassion to something like him.
"Why? What makes me deserve that?”
“You-”
“Don’t even try,” he interrupted, “I have proof. Nothing you say could change that.”
Sam paused, taken aback by confusion.
“What do you mean you have proof?”
“I mean just that, Sam.I have proof.”
Sam frowned, pinning him with a look of concern, “What could you possibly have to prove something like that?”
Gabriel hesitated, “My father.”
Sam’s look of confusion deepened, “Your father? You mean Chuck?”
Gabriel nodded.
“I don’t understand. What does he have to do with Asmodeus?”
He pulled the coat tighter around himself, hiding from the world.
“My father- freaking God himself- must have known I was down there, right?”
“I don’t know.”
“The correct answer is: ‘Yes, Gabriel, of course he knew. He’s God, he knows everything.’”
He reached for his coffee, forcing himself to take a shaky sip.
“So what?” Sam asked, “That doesn’t mean anything.”
Gabriel took a deep breath before continuing.
“He knew that I was down there with Asmodeus. Being used and tortured and- he knew I was suffering. He probably watched as Loki made the deal and shipped me off. He saw every single thing that Asmodeus did to me and not once did he step in. Not once.”
Sam pulled closer to Gabriel, laying a comforting arm around his back.
“If he knows everything,” Gabriel’s voice had lowered to a whisper, “wouldn’t he know if I deserved it? Why else wouldn’t he step in? He could’ve just blinked and I’d have been out of there but he didn’t even do that. He let Asmodeus have me.”
“Maybe he really didn’t know.”
Gabriel laughed at that, bitter and pained.
“Didn’t know? He’s God, Sam.”
“Couldn’t he have… I don’t know, shut it off? The knowing? He separated himself from everything, maybe he didn’t know.”
Gabriel sighed, shaking his head, “Just because he chooses not to act doesn’t mean he doesn’t keep track of what’s going on.”
“Well that just brings up another point, he doesn’t want to get involved, even if he doesn’t like something he lets it happen. And It’s not like I agree with that, but it’s not you, it’s everyone. You don’t deserve to be hurt any more than anyone else.”
“I’m his-” Gabriel bit back a sob, “we’re not some species who don’t even know what he is, who barely know he even exists. We were his children. He raised me and my brothers. He thought Lucifer deserved the cage, damned him to that box for all of eternity. I’m not saying what Lucifer did was right or that my father’s choice was wrong, but really that’s just my point. He knew what Lucifer deserved and didn’t hesitate to dish it out, so why would it be different for me?”
“First of all, you’re nothing like Lucifer. And second, he didn’t do this to you.”
“And it was Micheal who cast Lucifer to hell, just because he didn’t get his hands dirty doesn’t mean it wasn’t his will.”
There was silence for a moment. Gabriel found himself wondering if Sam would get up and walk away, finally convinced.
"Come here," Sam told him, closing the space between them. Gabriel leaned into his chest, feeling arms wrap around him.
"Don't base yourself on this. The way you think about yourself; Gabriel, your worth isn't decided by your father."
"But he knows. And if he let-"
"He makes mistakes. He does stupid things and he ignores people. He-" Sam sighed, pulling Gabriel tighter to his chest, "Listen, I can't vouch for what he thinks you deserve, but I can tell you that if he really thought that, then he was wrong. More wrong than anyone has ever been."
Gabriel scoffed, "he can't be wrong."
"Why not? Hasn't he been wrong before? I mean, the apocalypse didn't even happen."
"Well that's just because he didn't account for Winchesters and Co. being a bunch of stubborn asses."
"Well, here's a stubborn ass telling you that regardless of your father, you didn't deserve what Asmodeus did to you."
Gabriel didn't respond, he only listened to the steady sound of Sam's heartbeat.
"Listen, I get it, okay? Going through something like that and thinking you deserve it, feeling worthless and broken and wondering if your family - the people you love - think just as poorly of you. Trust me, I know how you feel. But you didn't, Gabriel. You didn't deserve it and you don't deserve to feel this way."
"You're sweet," Gabriel murmured into his chest, "and heart wrenching."
"I mean it."
"I know."
The words hung in the air for a moment, then dissolved into the star filled sky, leaving them in silence. Sam ran his fingers over Gabriel's spine, both leaning into the warm embrace.
Gabriel let his eyes flit shut, knowing he was safe and protected. Eventually the world spun away, fading into peaceful black to the sound of Sam's heartbeat.