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Magnus was hesitant at first, watching the light flicker between colours. At this hour, Jade Wolf was normally peaceful, but due to the celebration of Valentine's death, there had been a few differences. And it wasn’t just Shadowhunters, but Downworlders were here too, all in joy and laughter to be alive. But Magnus was none of those things.
He glanced around the restaurant almost in mere hope to see someone he knew. Sure, there was Clary, Luke and maybe even Simon, but what was the point in talking to them? What would he even talk about? He even hoped to see Alexander too. Maybe not to talk to, but just to see him again. To see if he’s happy. Surely, he was going to tell Magnus about the soul sword, right? Maybe Alec just didn’t want to ruin the mood or make Magnus worry.
The pillar he was standing against was a creamy white, alteration to his dark cloak and dangling jewellery. The light seemed to of shimmered against his glass, reflecting his face. To others, he would have looked the same, but to him, his eyes were darker, almost distant. As though he had been crying for some time – to which there was no lie in that. With a heavy breath, he didn’t feel like himself either, he didn’t want to be at this celebration. He didn’t even want to be in New York. He wanted to be home. To be able to hug him again, able to kiss him, tell him he loves him. But home felt so far now.
It had taken everything he had to come to this party – which, to him, didn’t feel anything like a party at all – instead he just wanted to be vulnerable, and for someone to take him in his arms. For all the times he’s ever been used or broken. All his regrets and centuries-old mistakes became a blink of an eye, especially since he couldn’t just wave his hands for them to disappear. For so long he'd guarded his emotions to not feel anything for anyone.
But Alec wasn't just anyone, he had used everything he had to break Magnus. To make him weak and helpless. To make him feel as though there was no hope, but still, Magnus cared and created a new barrier around his heart and loved Alec. He felt stupid and senseless, but the look on Alec’s face broke him a way nothing else would. The liquid in his glass didn’t look pleasing anymore, instead, he shook himself off, ready to leave. As though there was a red signal in the back of his mind, saying ‘There’s no place for me here,’ or ‘It not over yet,’.
He stood off his pillar, as though he had marked it as his own, but he had stopped himself. His heart fastened, he felt himself lock in position when he caught eyes with hazel ones. Barely even three feet from each other, they seemed like a mile apart. The familiarity of emotion flooded him; he couldn’t help himself looking over Alec. His muscles, his eyes, his hands, his lips. Him. The sudden warmth that came with the knowledge that no matter how many people cast him aside, there would always be one who never would.
“Hey…” Magnus looked up at him, Alec’s eyes were darker than he had ever seen them. There was a sort of half-smile across his face. “You look like you got your energy back,” Alec said with a shy smile.
“Mhm, my go-to home remedy after a major magic depletion, boiling hot bath, eight-ounce steak - medium rare- and a lot of these.” He pointed to his glass.
It felt almost normal to talk to Alexander like this, but Magnus almost felt glued to look at him, to speak to him, to care for him. Alec’s face was so open, a mirror to Magnus’s own, a heart so full with so many things he didn’t seem to know how to feel all at once. “Any sign of demons?”
“None. Sensor maps are all completely clear of Ravener Demons. It’s the strangest thing, it’s like they… they disappeared in thin air.”
Magnus felt as though he needs to separate himself from Alec as fast as possible, but having him as company, almost made his insides melt into butter. He hadn’t seen Alec in what felt like the longest time, though the sparing thought at the back of his mind that he had lied or was never going to bring up the soul sword to him made him look away.
“Well, then we can take this moment… to celebrate.” Magnus toasted. Almost like a cut in the wind as he touched glasses with Alec, before dousing down the poor liquid that wasn’t pleasurable at all.
Magnus almost thought of himself as independent and he thought he had seen and met every kind of person there was in the world, but Alec never failed to surprise Magnus. He thought his heart was under so many locks, but when he met Alec, it was like a flower blossoming. Everything was so focal and clear, like opening an old book for the first time, he knew what he was getting himself into. And how fragile it would get with the more time and pages he turned. But it didn’t stop him, he wanted to make it work, and ever since that it became his favourite book. Somehow, this, shy and curious, with little taste in clothing or looks, somehow made Magnus be vulnerable. And for some reason, Alexander Gideon Lightwood felt the same way.
“Can we talk?” Almost startling Magnus, Alec was still standing next to him, his face softer and open.
Somehow, unknowingly, they were meant to be.
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Magnus had made a summary over his life, over his mistakes and lovers, his fortunes and disbeliefs. But none of that mattered now, nothing compared to the feeling he was feeling now.
In the light, Alec looked much different, his jaw was clenched, his eyes were now lighter, his hair was messy – and the messy way Magnus loved it. The jacket he was wearing was much too big for him, as though he lost a significant amount of weight over the past couple weeks.
Magnus could tell Alec was nervous, heck, he bet Alec could tell Magnus was too. It’s been a lot longer then what Magnus would have liked since the last time they saw each other. He felt like a fool for hurting Alec and making him do this, go out of his comfort zone just to talk to him. Magnus did more than just ache of Alec; he broke him in the process.
The hazy voices from inside were distant, walking up to Alec even seemed like a challenge.
“Magnus I’m sorry,” Alec whispered.
“Don’t apologise.” “
No, I should have told you about the Soul Sword.”
“It in the past.” Magnus grounded himself, he felt almost obligated to just run up and hug him, squeeze him tight before crying in his arms. But When Magnus looked up, he could feel the heartstrings on Alec slowly let go…
God, Magnus felt so horrible, maybe it was a good idea to leave New York, to leave Brooklyn and never come back until decades have gone by. But who could blame Alec for a mistake he made? He’s never been in a relationship before, he doesn’t know how much dedication or time or love you put into the other person. Who could blame him for a mistake so little?
Magnus felt like saying something, but when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. He had planned this moment in his head millions of times, almost as though it was on replay, and now was his moment to say it. But his mind was blank.
His heart swelled, there’s no place for me here. Magnus thought, there will never be a place for me. I don’t belong here, I’m the monster everyone calls me. I-
“Magnus, ever since our fights. . . I can’t, I can’t think straight.” Alec wined, forcing words to come out from his mouth.
Light danced off the hazel colour of his eyes like magic, and some eyes can touch you more than words ever could.
“Well, I can’t do anything without think of you…” He said, in all honesty, he felt like he was being ripped apart piece by piece. With all the breakups he’s been thought why did this one hurt the most? What was so special about his Shadowhunter?
Alec looked as though he was going to cry, he had his hands in fists by his side, surely, he was digging his nails into his skin.
Alec always put this brave and powerful face for everyone to know he’s authoritative even to his own sister. But when it came to Magnus he took off of that disguise and showed his pain and insecurities. So why was it so hard to forgive such a stupid mistake to such a pure Shadowhunter?
“Magnus… I,” Alec moved a frail step forward. He hoped he would close the space between them, so he could reach him, touch him. “I don’t think I can live without you.” Alec shook his head wobbly, as though to officiate the statement some more.
A pang shot through him. Centuries of his greatest fears, darkest secrets and pain obliviated, to those words. Magnus realized that he was the one. His. For so long we felt like he was unworthy of loving or to be loved. That he was the demon to this world, but Alec made him feel worthy and safe and loved. He made him feel something. The knowledge was just as terrifying as it was hopeful.
“I thought I had to choose you or the Downworld… but I don’t.” He inched forward, barely, just enough to see the light in his eyes flicker. “A wise man once told me; Relationships take effort…”
Alec huffed out a laugh, shakier than he’d like it. “Yeah, well that was an understatement.”
“You know what’s not an understatement?” Magnus inched forward some more, after seeing how nervous Alec was, he lifted himself to his toes, just able to grab the sides of Alec's waist and kiss him gently.
It was final, and Magnus knew it, that he was home. And that no matter where in the world he was, he would have Alexander next to him the whole time, physically or spiritually. It didn’t matter. Not to him anyway. Because this was enough, it would always be enough.