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“I don’t. Want. To go.”
“Tori, please?”
“I don’t want to!”
“I told the others I could get you to come!”
Tori groaned and tossed André an apple. It felt almost like high school, when he’d come over with no warning and demand food. “Well, what did you do that for?”
“In my defense, I thought you’d be excited,” he said. “I mean, the Tori I remember would have been planning this thing, not refusing to go. What happened to that?”
“That died with my hopes and dreams when I graduated,” Tori said. “I can’t show my face there.”
“Aw, don’t be dramatic!” André made himself comfortable on the couch. “Lots of really talented people from our class haven’t made it yet. It doesn’t mean your hopes and dreams are dead. No one’s gonna care you’re working a normal-person job.”
“I guess not,” Tori said. He was right—she used to be the girl who would jump at the chance to put together a big get-together, but now two shruggers had taken it upon themselves to organize the five-year class reunion. She’d thought she’d have another five years to get her shit together, but kids sometimes have to grow up fast in show business, and clearly these two had beaten her to it.
“Why do they want me there so bad, anyway?” she continued. “I haven’t texted any of them in months. I haven’t seen them in years.”
“Well, it was gonna be a surprise, but whatever,” André said. “There’s going to be a karaoke contest and we thought we could enter as a team. Wouldn’t be the same without you.”
Tori felt all the fight leave her. How could she say no to that? The best times of her life had been singing with her friends, and now that they were all busy with their own paths, it felt as if a piece of her was missing. Any part of her that might have wanted to keep resisting gave way to that piece, and she knew she’d do almost anything to feel that kind of kinship again.
“Okay,” she said. “Okay, I’ll go. Where is it? What time?”
“It’s kind of...now? So you better go get dressed!”
“André!”
André held up his hands in defense. “I didn’t want to give you time to back out!”
“You’re lucky I get ready fast.”
It was surreal going back to Hollywood Arts after so long. She’d passed it every so often, but never thought twice about setting foot in the halls again despite how much she’d loved it there. She wore a silver cocktail dress at André’s insistence that it was a formal reunion, even though it would doubtlessly be more of a college party than anything.
André bailed the moment they walked into the school when he saw an old girlfriend wearing a rather immodest dress. He said he’d be right back, but it was impossible to know when that would be, and Tori didn’t want to wait around by herself to find out. She wandered down the hallways into the lobby where most people would be hanging out.
The lockers were different. She knew they would be, but she hadn’t anticipated how strange it would feel to see the new generation’s decorations where keyboards and scissors and baby bottle nipples used to be. In place of the neon sign on the locker she used to call her own was an array of acrylic impressionist flowers.
“Tori?”
Tori was engulfed in a hug before she could even fully turn around, but she recognized Cat’s voice. Her hair was different—not candy-cane red like it had been in high school, but a darker reddish auburn. She smelled the same.
"Cat! It’s so good to see you!” She slid her hands down Cat’s arms and held her hands as they pulled apart. “I’m so sorry it’s been so long.”
“Don’t worry about it, Tori!” Cat said. She seemed calmer and more restrained than she used to be, but her smile never faltered. It immediately set Tori at ease. “I’m sure you’ve been busy. I have been, too!”
“You were looking into an Off-Broadway apprenticeship last time we talked, right? How did that go?”
“Oh, it went great!” Cat said. She laughed. “I have a job at The Orpheum now, though! I couldn’t stay away from LA for very long.”
“I’m so glad it’s working out for you!”
Tori had never imagined Cat wouldn’t want to become a professional singer with a voice like hers, but something about makeup and costuming just made sense for her. After all, she’d had an almost prodigal knack for making costumes as a teenager; Tori had no doubt she’d be incredible at it on a professional level.
“Thanks! What have you been up to?”
And, there it was. The obligation to tell people, probably multiple times over, that she’s a waitress at a diner because opportunities stopped coming to her after she left Hollywood Arts. She’d thought she’d get them in college, and after college, but none of it ever turned into anything real.
“Not much, really,” she said. “Still kind of trying to find my place in all this.” She spread her arms to indicate the party around them, much wilder and more intimidating than what she imagined a regular high school reunion would be like. “I thought it would be easier than it is.”
Cat smiled and nudged her shoulder. “You’ll get there!” she said. “I promise.”
Tori couldn’t help but smile back. It was easy to believe her as confident as she sounded. “Thanks, Cat.”
“No prob!” She glanced over her shoulder. “Have you seen anyone else yet? I saw Robbie a little bit ago, but he disappeared before I could get to him.”
“I came in with André, but he ran off. I can probably find him again.”
“Well, we gotta find everybody soon if we want to do karaoke together! I think they’re setting it up right now in the Asphalt Café.”
“I’ll go find André.” Tori paused. “Do you have Jade’s number? I can’t text her; last time I tried it didn’t go through. She must have gotten a new one.”
Cat nodded. “Yeah, we still hang out a lot so she gave it to me when her old phone broke. I’ll see where she is!”
Tori watched Cat dial the number and walk away to find somewhere quieter to talk. Cat and Jade still hung out? Even after Cat had spent at least a year in New York? Tori had barely managed to keep a relatively close relationship with André, and neither of them had even left the city. She wondered what Cat and Jade did when they hung out, whether they ever wished she were with them. Well, Cat, anyway—Jade would never admit it if she missed Tori at all. She was sure she must have faded right out of Jade’s memory as soon as they weren’t seeing each other all the time at school.
A pit of anxiety settled in Tori’s gut at the thought of seeing Jade tonight. It wasn’t like when they’d first met, when Tori had been genuinely afraid of her, but the kind of anxiety that knew, just like in high school, that she thought about Jade much more than Jade thought about her. Of course, that was partly owing to the fact that Jade had made something of herself, at least on a small scale, and Tori couldn’t look at YouTube without being bombarded by videos of Jade’s songs. She hadn’t subscribed to the channel, but she checked it often. Her original songs were gorgeous and her covers rivaled the originals, and Tori always found herself staring at the woman’s eyes or tracing the bow of her mouth as she sang. Even thinking about it set off a familiar pang in her chest.
She shook herself out of it. André had to be around here somewhere, and she’d deal with seeing Jade when it happened. For now, she was on a mission.
It wasn’t a very hard mission. She found him a few minutes later talking to Robbie, who pulled her into a hug when he saw her. He didn’t have Rex with him, and Tori wondered when he’d finally decided to stop toting the puppet around.
“Tori Vega!” he said. “It’s been forever! How’s it going?”
“Oh, you know,” Tori said. “Same old. Hey, Cat’s trying to round us all up for karaoke. She went to call Jade, so they’ll probably be looking for us soon. Is Beck coming with Jade?”
Robbie laughed. “I doubt it,” he said. “They broke up years ago. Where have you been?”
“Yeah, I guess I should have mentioned it,” André said. “I don’t know if he’ll be here at all; he’s been busy filming his show lately and I couldn’t get a hold of him today.”
“Oh,” Tori said. “I guess I’ve just been kind of out of the loop.”
She suddenly wished she hadn’t deleted her Slap page. Maybe she’d feel more connected if she hadn’t—she’d know about these things in her old friends’ lives—but she thought it had been the right move at the time. The plan had been to delete it until she had something to talk about other than her lack of an impressive career or romance or social life in general, but a few months had turned into a few years, and she never thought to join again. Maybe she’d do it now; tonight was an opportunity to reconnect, so why not go the whole way?
“Oh, good, almost everybody’s here!” Cat said from behind Tori as she wormed her way through the crowd. “Jade’s on her way. She’s only coming to sing. Any word from Beck?”
André shook his head. “Nope.”
“Aw,” Cat said. “I hoped it would be all of us. It’ll still be fun, though! I’m so glad you guys are here!” She wrapped the three of them in one big bear hug. “I love you guys.”
André chuckled. “We love you, too, Lil’ Red.”
“Well,” Robbie said, “I’m gonna go get some punch.” He winked. “Anyone want some?”
“Um…what’s in it?” Cat said.
“Fuck if I know.”
“I don’t really trust jungle juice,” Tori said. “Not after the sorority party I went to junior year. But if there’s anything in a bottle, I’ll have that.”
“I’ll have some punch!” Cat said. “André?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Cat left with Robbie to get the drinks, to Tori’s relief. She’d never say it out loud, but she wouldn’t trust him to get a girl’s drink on his own.
“So, how’s it going?” André said. “Is it as bad as you thought?”
Tori shrugged and smiled. “No, I’m actually really glad I’m here. It feels good hanging out again, you know? And Cat’s already made me feel a little better about everything. Why does everyone always say they hate their class reunions?”
André laughed. “Probably because they didn’t go here and they have to have sad dinner reunions without light shows and karaoke.” He hummed. “And maybe they didn’t have friends as good as ours.”
“It would suck to lose them, huh?” Tori said. Who cares what else is happening in her life? She couldn’t go another five years without seeing everybody. She’d make time for them from now on.
Cat and Robbie came back and handed their drinks over. “Sorry all they had in a bottle was this hard lemonade,” Robbie said. “I think everyone already finished off the beer.”
“Thanks!” Tori said. “Beer tastes like ass anyway.”
“Of course you drink Mike’s hards,” said a familiar voice behind her. She froze for a moment, then turned around. Jade looked as radiant as ever wearing a strapless, semi-sheer black dress with gold accents. She’d veered slightly away from her high-school punk-goth look, but this suited her just as well. “Hey, Vega,” she said. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
“André’s pretty convincing,” Tori said after catching herself staring. “Honestly, I didn’t think you’d want to come either.”
Jade shrugged. “I haven’t been to a party in a while. Thought I might shake things up a little. Remember Prome?”
“Uh.” Tori laughed nervously. “You know I didn’t plan this, right? So if you want to ruin it for me—”
“Oh, shut up,” Jade said. “Not everything’s about you. I just came for the karaoke contest.”
Tori’s spirits fell a little with the jab. She was hoping Jade might be a tiny bit friendlier with her after five years, but nothing seemed to have changed.
“Is there a prize?” she said quickly in an attempt to hide her reaction.
“I don’t know,” Jade said. “I just like to win.”
“There’s not a prize,” André said. “It’s just for fun. Y’all wanna head over?”
“Yes!” Cat said. “I’m so excited! What are we going to sing?”
“Let’s do ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’” Robbie said.
“No way,” André said, holding open the door to the Asphalt Café. “That’s the most predictable group number we could possibly choose. We gotta do something fresh.”
“‘Hold On’ by Wilson Phillips!” Cat suggested.
Jade shook her head. “God, no. Those girls make me sick.”
“What’s wrong with Wilson Phillips?” Tori said. “I like them.”
“They only got famous because of nepotism. It’s gross, and so are the 90s.”
Tori snorted. “All right…how about ‘California Dreamin’?”
“I could vibe with that,” André said.
“Okay, but Robbie isn’t allowed to mime that fucking flute solo,” Jade said. “Nobody wants to see that.”
“Rude!”
“‘California Dreamin!’” Cat chirped. “Let’s go put it next to our names!”
Tori found the roster next to the improvised stage and scanned it for their group, but she didn’t see any lists of names long enough. Then, she caught Robbie’s name halfway down the page, and her own and André’s near the top. Jade was dead last.
“Cat?” Tori said. “I don’t think you signed us up right.”
Cat frowned and sidled up next to her. “Why? What’s wrong?”
“Look, we all have individual slots, and I think whoever put the roster together shuffled them.” Tori pointed at Cat’s name, fifteenth on the list. Jesus, karaoke with a class full of performing arts alumni was going to be long. She didn’t even remember their class being this big; back then it had felt like it was just her and her friends.
“Oh, man,” Cat said. “I’m sorry, guys!”
“It’s all chill,” André said.
“Yeah, we can just sing solos,” Jade said. “Don’t worry; it’ll still be fun.”
Don’t worry? It was such a short, simple phrase, but Tori couldn’t remember the last time Jade had said anything like that so casually. Then again, maybe it wasn’t so strange. Maybe Tori was only jealous that she hadn’t received the same kind tone.
“Okay, well, everybody pick a song then!” Tori handed the pen to Cat and fell back. She’d have to think for a minute about which song she’d want to do—she hadn’t performed in front of a crowd in months, and she wanted to make sure it was something fun, and not something too easy. She wasn’t there to win a Grammy, but she didn’t want to be boring.
She still couldn’t make up her mind by the time everyone else wrote down their songs, so she penciled in the first one that came to mind and joined her friends in the growing crowd among the tables.
The competition was laid-back enough that people continued talking among themselves as each person sang, drinking and snacking and generally having a good time. Tori found herself giving in to the jungle juice, craving something a little stronger as she sat right next to Jade. Somehow, Jade didn’t seem to mind, and carried on conversation like she wasn’t nearly touching the girl she used to bark at for existing too close to her.
She was the first of their group to sing, and she skipped up to the stage to their raucous applause and encouragement. It felt natural being on a stage, and she immediately felt more at home once the microphone was in her hands.
“Here’s Tori Vega singing ‘Should’ve Been Us!’” The emcee announced, and the music started.
“Walking round with my head down,
but I can't hide with these high heels on.
Downtown in a thick crowd,
but it's just you that my mind is on.”
Tori scanned the audience as she sang until her eyes landed on Jade. Why couldn’t she seem to stop thinking about her? Jade looked back up at her, and she quickly averted her gaze. She managed to keep her eyes off of Jade for a while, but they inevitably drifted back to find her still staring up at the stage.
“Back and forth like a tug of war,
what's it all for, do I want it back?
I still got a little flame for ya
even though you drove me mad.”
Jade’s brow furrowed and she looked away. Tori’s stomach twisted and she tried to focus on the back corner of the café until the end of the song, but by then, Jade was gone.
“Where did she go?” Tori asked when she got back to the table. “I didn’t see her leave.”
“I don’t know, but it looked like she was in a hurry,” Robbie said. “Maybe she forgot she had to pee.”
“Dude, you’re the only one who forgets you have to piss,” André said. “Sorry she ran off, Tori; I don’t know why she couldn’t just let you finish first.”
“It’s fine,” Tori said. “You’re up next, right?”
“Yep,” he said. “Wish me luck.”
Tori cheered along with the rest of her friends as André took the stage, but she couldn’t help glancing back at the door to the school building every so often. Had she left the reunion entirely? Tori wouldn’t put it past her, but she hoped it wasn’t the case. It would open quite a few questions as to why she’d chosen to leave when she did, but Tori would just have to get over it. She probably wouldn’t see Jade for another five years until their next reunion, anyway, and by then it wouldn’t matter. She had to ask herself again, why did it matter so much now?
But Jade came back to the table a few songs later, glanced at Tori once, and turned her attention to whoever was singing. “You were good,” she murmured so quietly that Tori wasn’t sure it was even addressed to her. She smiled to herself anyway.
The karaoke contest took a break halfway through, and a glance at her phone told her it was already midnight. How could that possibly be right? She could swear it had just been half past ten. A lot of the crowd had disappeared, and Cat and Robbie had already gotten tired and left. Jade left to get another drink at the break, and André abruptly turned to Tori.
“Tori, what are you doing?”
Tori frowned. “I’m sitting here eating mini paninis. What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re barking up the wrong tree.” André sighed. “I know, I’ve been there too, but you snapped me out of it. Remember?”
Tori shook her head. She was way too buzzed for this. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m talking about your crush on Jade.”
If a mind could break, Tori was sure hers did. Her crush on Jade? No, she’d never liked Jade that way. She couldn’t even imagine it.
“What would make you think I have a crush on Jade?”
André snorted. “Oh, I don’t know. The way you keep staring at her? The song you sang about liking someone you used to know who drove you nuts? The fact that you kept staring at her while you sang it? Yeah, I saw that.”
“I don’t have a crush on her!” Tori said. “You know me. Why would I like her?”
André shrugged. “Deny it if you want, but I’m your best friend, even if we don’t hang out that much anymore. I can tell.”
“I don’t know what to tell you,” Tori said. “I’m not into her, and even if I was, she definitely wouldn’t be into me.”
“Okay.” André glanced toward the building. Tori followed his eyes to see Jade pushing the door open. “So you should be fine if I leave now. Right?”
“What?” she said. “No, don’t leave me alone with her! I won’t know what to talk about!”
“Sorry, gotta be at the studio in the morning!”
Tori whined as she watched him head toward the parking lot, then pasted a smile onto her face and turned back around.
“Where’s he going?” Jade said as she reached the table. To Tori’s relief, she sat on the opposite side this time.
“Home,” Tori said. “He’s recording for his album tomorrow.”
Jade hummed. “Karaoke was a terrible idea,” she said. “It feels like it’s never going to end.”
Tori rested her head in her hand and watched two men on the stage sing a Disney duet. They’d obviously had a bit too much to drink. Her own buzz would be fading and turning into a headache soon, and she wished she would have brought something for it.
“Do you want to bail?” she said. “I mean, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to wait through another twenty songs to sing.”
“No way,” Jade said. “We’ve been here for three fucking hours. I’m going to sing.” She paused. “I’m gonna sing now, actually, before you have to take off too. I’m not staying for a bunch of people I don’t care about.”
Tori opened her mouth to confirm that Jade had really just casually admitted she cared about her, but she was already halfway to the stage as the guys finished their song. André’s words rang in her ears as Jade took one of the mics and told the emcee she was going now, roster be damned. It didn’t mean anything. Jade’s approval as a friend was hard to come by, and it was perfectly normal to want it.
But then Jade began singing a low, melancholy melody, and Tori felt her chest ache. It was clearly meant as a late-late-night closer, the kind of song that makes you feel alive and in tune with the world through the haze of sleep, and God, she did it so well. Tori stared up at her, too tired and tipsy and aching to pretend she wasn’t hanging on every note.
Jade tended not to look at the audience when she sang slower songs. She’d close her eyes or look out over the horizon line, but this time she lowered her gaze to Tori near the end. Tori didn’t shy away when their eyes met this time, even with the realization that this was a sort of love song. Was this what Jade had felt when she’d been singing? Like the performance was specifically for her? It was intimidating, but Tori easily got lost in her fluttering eyelashes, in the way she caressed the microphone, in her gentle sway and the tilt of her head.
Maybe André was right.
Maybe André was right.
Tori’s breath caught in her throat. How could she not have realized? It wasn’t the alcohol, and it wasn’t just tonight, and it wasn’t just superficial attraction, either. She remembered the way her heart had broken when Jade’s play had fallen through sophomore year and how hard she’d worked to make it perfect just to see her smile. She remembered melting inside every time she caught a glimpse of the softness under Jade’s armor. She remembered how secretly relieved she’d been when Jade and Beck broke up that second time, because they weren’t good for each other, and she knew it would be better for both of them. She knew Jade could be happier with someone else. She just hadn’t realized she’d wished the whole time that it could have been her.
And now they were practically strangers.
She could cry if she wasn’t careful, but she managed to rein it in just in time for Jade to finish her song. She stood on the stage, her eyes locked onto Tori, for one long moment before she threw the mic to the emcee and stormed off.
Tori stood up to follow her, but she was headed for the parking lot, and she was much closer to it than Tori. She’d never catch her before she made it to her car.
She sat back down with a huff. What was she supposed to do? Ignore it for another five years and hope Jade actually shows up to the next reunion? Maybe she could get her number from Cat so they could talk about this—if there was a “this.” For all she knew, Jade had only left because she wanted to go home. Karaoke over, reunion over, nothing else to stay for.
She sighed and rested her head on her fist as she disinterestedly watched the next few singers to wait until she was sober enough to drive, but she was tired and bored and it wasn’t going to come fast enough. She’d get an Uber and come back for her car tomorrow.
Tori traversed the empty halls of the school building, brushing silver confetti from flat surfaces and flicking the balloons as she walked by them, to get to the front where somebody could pick her up. She expected to wait there alone, but she found someone leaning against the outside wall in the shadows, smoking a cigarette.
“Jade?” Tori said. “I thought you left.”
“I was going to,” Jade said. “I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to go back, so. I’ve just been here thinking.”
Tori hummed and leaned against the wall next to her. “What were you thinking about?”
Jade shrugged. “Things I did and didn’t do when I was here, I guess. Shitty high school regrets. That kind of thing.” She offered the cigarette.
Tori took it and tried to take a drag, but choked on it and burst into a coughing fit. It tasted as terrible as it smelled, but it awarded her a small smile from Jade.
“I should have known you’ve never smoked,” Jade said, taking the cigarette back. “‘Oh, I could never smoke a cigarette! Not me, Miss Sally Sunshine!’” she mocked.
“I don’t talk like that!” Tori said, but her faux anger dissolved into a laugh. “I can’t believe you can still do that. And, you know, you shouldn’t smoke anyway.”
Jade snorted. “What, because it’ll ruin my voice? Trust me, I’ve heard it before.”
“No?” Tori frowned. “Because it’s bad for you. That’s way more important than your voice.”
Jade studied her face for a moment as if she might be joking, then dropped the cigarette and stomped it out.
Tori smiled. “Okay,” she said, “I’ll bite. What did and didn’t you do here that you regret?”
Jade crossed her arms, and Tori watched her expectantly, but she kept her eyes on the road in front of the school. She stayed silent for a moment.
“I bullied you,” she said eventually. “That’s what I did. And I did it so much I had a hard time not doing it tonight, too.”
“I wouldn’t call it bullying,” Tori said. “We were friends, right? I mean, yeah, some of the things you did were pretty extreme, but…I’m not really helping, am I?”
“No, but you were trying,” Jade said. “You were always trying to help. It’s what I loved about you.”
There it was again. That aching in her chest. “Really?”
“Hard to believe, right?” Jade rolled her eyes. “I mean, I was always…you know, going on about how much I hated that. But I didn’t.” She paused. “God, I can’t believe I’m admitting this; I feel ridiculous.”
“No, don’t!” Tori said. “I’m glad we’re talking like this. Really.”
“Okay.” Jade turned so that her side lay against the wall and she faced Tori, and Tori instinctively moved to mirror her. The corner of Jade’s mouth turned up. “Do you really want to know what I regret not doing? It’s a little shocking; I’m not sure you can handle it.”
“Wait, let me guess! You wanted to burn the school down?” Tori smiled to let her know it was a joke. “Look, whatever it is, I can handle it.”
“I always wished I would have done this.”
Jade slid her hand up Tori’s neck and stepped closer, so that their chests nearly touched. She paused and looked Tori in the eye as if asking permission, and Tori nodded, so stricken by her emotions that she wasn’t sure it was even visible, but Jade must have seen it because she closed the gap between them and kissed her.
Tori closed her eyes and kissed back, slowly, almost afraid she was overstepping some kind of boundary. But no, Jade had kissed her, not the other way around. Jade West wanted her, and maybe she had for a long time.
She didn’t want to lose the closeness when they parted, so she leaned her forehead against Jade’s, twirling her fingers in the loose strands of hair behind her back. Jade didn’t seem to mind.
“I still think about you all the time,” Tori said. “I watch your videos when I miss your face and your voice. Is that stupid? Or sad?”
Jade chuckled. “Well, uh…maybe it’s a little sad,” she said. “But it’s kind of cute. I didn’t know you watched my videos.”
Tori finally pulled back and tilted her head. “You know, it’s not really as good as the real thing. I don’t know if this is…if you actually want this, like as more than a hookup. But if you do, I want that too.”
Jade laughed, and Tori couldn’t help but smile at the genuine quality of it. “Who the fuck would stew for five years over someone they just wanted a hookup with?”
“I’m guessing that’s a yes?”
“Take me for coffee in the morning and we’ll talk,” Jade said.
Tori grinned. “Okay,” she said. “Deal.”