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*IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED OR INSECURE IN YOUR WRITING OR PREFERENCES, THEN I SUGGEST YOU MOVE ON. Seriously though, this was written as a joke. I mean, I've done more than one of these in my own writing and these are both my own opinions, things I think are funny that I still do, and things I've gathered from tumblr. So relax.*
Ten gentleman file into the room and sit in a semi circle facing the audience. Loki steeples his fingers –
“Okay you filthy mortals, first of all, I do not steeple my fingers that often,” Loki sneers. With that, the rest of the men in the room quickly begin to throw in their own complaints.
“My penis is NORMAL. THERE IS NO KNOT,” Derek growls.
“You ARE aware that there are OTHER shades of green besides emerald, aren’t you?” Harry says.
“We can just call them eyes – they don’t need to be pools, orbs, globes, circles of color – you can just fucking call them eyes,” Draco sneers.
“For the record, just because I can’t fix a helicarrier, it doesn’t mean I can’t use a toaster,” Steve says defensively.
“I’m not clueless about sex. I’ve been around for millennia. I know what it is and I know how it works,” Castiel says calmly.
“And it’s not a member. What the fuck is it a member of anyway?” Stiles flails while eating curly fries – “And I do NOT eat curly fries that much!”
“Punctuation is actually very important,” Loki begins while Draco nods vigorously and Thor cuts him a look. “But that’s besides the point…”
“You can’t just use apostrophes all willy-nilly!” Steve adds, distressed.
“I am NOT the Ice Prince of Slytherin,” Draco says.
“Really, if anyone is Ice anything – “ Thor starts
“THOR SHUT UP.” Loki yells, cutting him off.
“I mean Bucky IS the Winter Soldier…” Steve points out.
“STEVE. NO.” Bucky shouts.
“We are not all hung like horses –“ Bucky admits.
“Well….” All the men look towards Stiles. “Yeah, okay no, we’re really not.”
"And for the record, cum is not our "seed". We're not plants," Harry says.
“Listen. Yes. We have muscles, but we’re not fucking He-man alright?” Thor, Dean, Harry, and Derek grumble.
“And on that note, we are not frail, pale, little weaklings!” Draco, Stiles, Castiel, and Loki protest.
“Physical attributes also don’t translate to whether or not you’re a bottom,” Bucky informs the audience.
“We don’t sneer every single word that we say,” Draco and Loki say together.
“And I don’t growl everything, I am human too, I can speak,” Derek says angrily.
“YOU HAVE TO USE LUBE. YOU HAVE TO.” Stiles screams.
“Spit is not enough!” Draco states.
“Ice cream is absolutely not a thing!” Loki declares.
“Shampoo, for those of you who don’t know, makes your dick burn, so NO.” Derek barks.
“LUBE. ALWAYS. HAVE. THE LUBE.” Thor ends.
“Going off of that, you can’t just sliiiiide in! And if you’re going to characterize someone as a virgin, you can’t just – it’s not going to. No. Just no!” Dean interjects.
“There is no werewolf bullshit – “ Derek and Stiles begin,
“No angel mojo – “ Dean and Castiel chime in.
“No ridiculous potion – “ Draco and Harry interrupt.
“No S.H.I.E.L.D. experimentation – “ Steve and Bucky add.
“And as per the Norse mythology, while I am physically male – “ Loki groans,
“THERE IS NO WAY FOR ANY OF US TO GET PREGNANT,” they all roar.