Work Text:
Dean drove.
What else could he do? Sam was gone, Cas was up in Heaven being the new sheriff, he couldn’t face going back to Bobby’s without Sam. He could go to Lisa, do what Sam had said he should do, but he froze every time he pointed the Impala in the general direction of Indiana. Despite Sam’s instructions and blessing, it felt like a betrayal.
Sam had never known the truth. Never had any idea what a monster his big brother was. Dean had kept it hidden, sealed even tighter away than Rhonda Hurley’s pink satiny panties feeling good. That was just… being weird. This was…
It wasn’t any secret to anyone how much Dean needed his brother. How much his entire life revolved around his brother, even in the dark days with Sam off at Stanford not talking to Dean or Dean being a dumbass and holding Sam responsible for things that were so far beyond his fault it wasn’t fair. Freeing Lucifer, yeah, Sam pulled the trigger on Lilith, but Dean pulled the trigger on the whole damn Apocalypse when he broke in Hell. Who was more at fault?
It hadn’t been about Lilith, about Lucifer… not even about Ruby, not really. He was pissed because he’d been reminded that Sam didn’t need him, not the way he needed Sam. Sam loved him. Dean never doubted that. Not in the freaky, horrible way Dean loved Sam, but hey, that was a good thing, right? But remembering that Dean could not be happy without his brother, while Sam would get along just fine if Dean disappeared, that stung. That hurt like Hell.
But it was never like that, was it? Did you ever ask how I felt at Stanford, how I was getting along without you in Hell?
Dean looked to his right, but there was nothing there that shouldn’t have been. The voice in his head was just his guilty conscience.
It also had a point.
I poured on the course load, prepared for law school, did everything I could to become who I thought I wanted to be. I loved Jess. I would have married her. I don’t think it would have lasted forever, though. Eventually, the demons would’ve come calling, maybe not as literally as they did, but I’d see things I couldn’t ignore because I knew what the real story was. I’d tell myself it would be one hunt, something local, but it wouldn’t stay that way. You were the ‘killing things’ part of the bumper sticker, I was the ‘saving people’ part, and I’d have gone crazy if I knew I was ignoring people who needed saving. And you need both halves of the bumper sticker for it to work.
Dean checked again to make sure Sam wasn’t, somehow, beside him. It sounded like him, and not like the Sammy Dean had seen in his nightmares, telling him off for ruining his life. It sounded like something the real Sam would say, if Dean was being fair enough to actually listen. What he wouldn’t give for the chance to talk to Sammy, to ask him these questions, to work this shit out. Chick flick hell was a small price to pay for having Sammy with him.
Course, he still wouldn’t admit to everything. Some things, he just… no way Sam ever needed to know.
Like what?
Right, because Dean was going to fall for that. His conscience knew perfectly well what was buried so deep in Dean’s heart that he’d die before he let it see the light of day. Healthy? No, probably not, but better than the alternative.
The alternative of admitting, even to himself, that he was in love with his little brother and wanted so much more than he could ever have.
“What, no smartass remark?” Dean muttered out loud when he realized he’d fallen into the trap after all. He had mixed feelings about the lack of reply… on the one hand, good, he wasn’t going off the deep end. On the other hand, even as wackadoo as it was, he’d at least been hearing Sammy’s voice. And if he’d scared Sam off with this, well, that just proved he’d done the right thing in burying it all this time.
No, you did not. You should have told me. Pull over.
“What? No!” Dean glanced to his right again, doing a double take when this time, he did see something. “What the hell?”
“Pull over,” Sam repeated. This time, Dean obeyed without question. Either Sam was really here, in which case Dean needed to figure out how the hell and better to do that when he wasn’t distracted by the road, or he wasn’t here and Dean had snapped into full-blown hallucinations, in which case he really needed to get off the road before he crashed. Or something was here pretending to be Sam, in which case it would be easier to kill if he weren’t trying to drive as well.
First step: reach out. His hand passed right through Sam. Hallucination, then. Okay. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m only half here. Not sure what happened, but I was falling, and then… it was like hitting the world’s strangest trampoline. Except that it ripped me apart. My body’s gone, I dunno what happened to it, could be in Hell, could be destroyed. I’m… a ghost, I guess?”
“Ghost. Great.” That never ended well. Eventually, Sammy would start to lose it, to turn vengeful. “What am I supposed to do about you? No body to burn, what object would you be tethered to?”
“You, apparently.” Sam grinned at Dean’s speechlessness. “Maybe the Impala, but there’s no way you’re destroying her, either. The good news: I don’t feel like I’m a ghost, and since, technically, I didn’t die, who knows? Never saw a reaper, anyway.”
“So you’re really here, and, what, you can… read my mind?”
Sam shrugged. “I don’t know what’s going on any more than you do, Dean. Although I do have a bit of a confession.”
“What is it?” This should be interesting. Either it was gonna be hilarious, or it was going to rip his heart out and stomp on it. Either way, better than trying to think about killing himself to put his little brother to rest.
“You know how you freeze when you try to go to Lisa like I told you to?” Dean blinked. “That’s me. I, uh… when I thought I was gonna be gone forever, that was one thing, but I couldn’t watch you go to Lisa. Too jealous.”
Dean shook his head. That didn’t make any sense. “What, that I was gonna try to live an apple pie life, and you never really got to?”
“No, that you were gonna be with her. Instead of me. This is why you should’ve told me you’re in love with me… me too.”
Dean raised an eyebrow. “Dude, I knew you could be a little self-centered, but really?”
He'd missed the bitchfaces so much. It was beautiful to see one now. “You know what I mean, Dean. We could’ve been together. Still can, if we can figure out what the heck I am and how to fix me.”
“Well, I got no idea on that, but I do know someone who probably does.” Dean put his hands together. “Yo, sheriff, could use your help.”
“Dean.” He turned and looked in the back seat, doing a double-take again when he saw Sam sitting in the back. “Sam? What…” Castiel looked between the two Sams. Understanding dawned on his face. “No wonder Lucifer was so disgusted with you. Torturing your body wouldn’t be any fun, not without your soul, not in Hell.” He reached out for the Sam in the front seat.
Next thing Dean knew, they were down to the proper number of Sams. “You okay, Sammy?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Little confused still, but still me. Only one of me. Corporeal.” Sam paused for a beat. “That means I have a body.”
“I know what it… smartass.” Dean turned to swat at Sam, but there wasn’t a good angle. “Get your ass up front where it belongs.”
Sam reached for the door handle, but paused and shot a wary look at Dean. “You gonna try to ignore what we were talking about before Cas showed up?”
“What? No. Thought I might find somewhere to stop for the day so we can talk it out without distractions. Or, y’know. With distractions, just… different kind.”