Chapter Text
Maria was exhausted. Meetings with several people that she did not even want to meet drained the whole energy she possessed that day. Feet on her desk, she was devouring the box of Chinese noodles she ordered with J.A.R.V.I.S’ help. The pasta was her second meal that day. And because she had gone too many hours without food, the meal tasted like heaven. She knew it was not the healthiest lifestyle, but she pushed that thought away from her mind as soon as she dug in the box.
She was munching the noodles, when the doors to her office opened, causing her to choke on her food. Coughing, she took the feet of the desk grabbing the nearest napkin and wiping her mouth with it. Her eyebrows were on the level of her hairline now, but seeing her former colleague at the office she owned in Stark Industries was an unusual sight.
“Phil? What in the world are you doing here?” she asked, not hiding a surprised expression on her face, and cleared her voice.
“You still have some soy sauce on your face,” he chuckled and pointed at the upper part of his chin. He sat on the other side of her desk and put the satchel on his lap.
She rolled her eyes and wiped her mouth out with wet wipes and straightened up on her leather chair.
Well, technically Stark’s chair.
“What’s so urgent that you didn’t even deign to call me? Something happened to Fury?” Maria moved uncomfortably in her seat.
“The boss is fine,” he stopped and looked down on the file in his hands. “Maria…, Agent Thomson… Things in Europe were getting rough, she was in the team sent as a backup for the boss. Sophie... she didn’t make it, Maria,” he whispered.
Phil’s words took her about. The air from Maria’s lungs was sucked out, making her organs feel like two prunes. Two wizened prunes, as dry as a bone. She was not sure if the surrounding was real. If Phil was real. Was she real? She kept a neutral expression on her face. Something she had learned years ago, in the military. She found it easy, turning the emotions off. A habit she never lost.
“I wanted to tell you that in person, I know that you and she formed a strong bond over the years. But that’s not the…” His voice was barely making it through the vitreous wall, Maria felt she was separated by from the man.
“I was her handler, Phil. I was her friend,” she interrupted him suddenly, staring into space, her voice drained from any emotions. “She is.. was,” she corrected herself “so young. I..,” she took a deep breath. “I... She was so fucking young Phil. Sophie was a kid.” Maria moved her eyes to him.
“I’m so sorry, Maria. I know how precious she was to you. She looked up to you,” he whispered.
Maria was quiet. She remembered the days in her career as a Deputy Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. when she would knock on someone’s doors, the flag neatly folded in her hands. The family would burst into tears in front of her and she would just stare, the material feeling heavy and almost searing her skin, despite the gloves she wore. The commander would tell them her condolences, keeping the whole proceeding as formal as she could.
Maria would have never thought she would be on the other side. That she would be given the flag in her office. She did not even log when Phil put it in her hands.
“This means you’re her daughter’s legal guardian now.”
“I know,” she nodded slowly, trying to stop her hands from shaking, as she put the white-red-blue material on the glassy surface of the desk.
Maria stared at the flag with a blank look for a couple more minutes.
It looked odd. Incongruous. Wrong.
“Where is she now?” she asked after the long, quiet pause.
“At our temporary base. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s psychiatrist is taking care of her, so does a well-grounded in a pediatric case agent.”
Maria stayed quiet for the next few minutes. Her mind was racing faster than it was supposed to. She was not ready. She was not ready for such a responsibility to take.
“Maria, you’re not alone,” said Phil. “You have Nat. You guys have Clint and Laura. You have me. You have the Avengers for Thor’s sake. You are not alone, okay? We will help you.”
Maria wanted to believe she had Natasha by her side.
With her shaky hands, it took her a while to insert a key into the lock of her apartment.
Her briefcase felt heavy, American flag folded and placed in a pigeonhole of her leather portfolio. She turned the key and stepped inside, leaving her belongings in the hallway.
“You’re early.” Natasha didn’t hide the surprise in her voice as she leaned on the wall and watched her taking the shoes off.
Maria did not answer or looked in her wife’s direction. She got past the redhead, unconsciously making her way to a white, comfortable couch. Liho meowed and brushed her head against the brunette’s thigh as she sat down. The cat, seeing that her owner did not cuddle her jumped off the furniture and a moment later disappeared behind the corner of the hallway, leading to the master bedroom and Maria’s study.
“Maria, what’s wrong,” the redhead asked, taking place next to her, her eyes focused on the commander.
Maria did not know where to begin. She was staring at the turned-off TV set in front of her, chewing imperceptibly on her bottom lip from the inside. She turned her face slowly to her wife and moment later clung to Natasha, placing her head in the crook of her neck. She did not allow herself to make a sound, so the only thing confirming she was crying was her shaking shoulders. Maria did not want Natasha to see her broken but she could not help it. After some time, she let out very quiet sobs. The commander could feel redhead’s hands, stroking her hair, then shoulders, and finally moving to her back. She had no idea how long they were sitting like this for, but at that moment, time was a relative term to Maria. She just wanted to never leave the protective hug of her partner.
“Sophie is dead” she finally choked out after a few minutes.
Or hours.
“I’m so so sorry Maria,” the redhead whispered into her head after a few seconds, tightening the hug.
She closed her eyes and made herself as small as possible, in Natasha’s arms. She leaned her head on the assassin's chest and nestled up to her, as though her wife was her only safe harbor in the dark that surrounded her. She let an ugly sob escape her lips. They sat in silence, which was interrupted from time to time by her cry.
Maria knew the pain would go away, eventually. She did know it, she got adequate training for fuck’s sake. She should have been strong. She should not have broken like that. She…
Maria let another sob to escape her swollen lips.
“ Баю-баюшки-баю,
Не ложися на краю.
Придет серенький волчок
И ухватит за бочок.
Он ухватит за бочок
И потащит во лесок,
Под ракитовый кусток.
К нам, волчок, не ходи,
Нашу Машу не буди.” *
Natasha’s voice was soft and quiet, her arms rocking her slowly in the rhythm of Russian lullaby. She held her like a child, pressing Maria’s head to her chest and stroking her hair. She sang beautifully, deep voice, putting a strand of brown hair, which escaped from a bun, behind her left ear.
Maria felt distressed, frightened and hopeless. However, she knew she would get better. She had to. She was just… letting the humaneness out to take a quick breath, before she would bury it again. The commander let herself be in the arms of Morpheus. And Natasha’s.
Maria to her surprise woke up in their bed, her formal dress superseded by washed-out S.H.I.E.L.D. shirt. Her head hurt from crying. She rolled over to the nightstand and grabbed her phone to check the time. She felt her stomach drop, looking at the animated clock. It was nine in the morning. Maria immediately got out of bed, feeling dizzy, her mouth dry. She exited the bedroom and made her way to the interconnecting kitchen with the living room.
“I was getting worried about you. You slept for like… seventeen hours I guess?” Maria heard a soft voice coming out from behind the TV set.
“I’m late to work. Pepper is going to kill me,” she mumbled and opened the fridge, only to close it seconds later.
“I called her when I got you off last night. She said she understood and that you could take a week off,” Natasha said and Maria could feel the green eyes staring at her.
She did not say anything in response and moved to the sink. She turned on the tap and leaned across to ravenously drink the water. The brunette stood like that for a few minutes, quenching her thirst and allowing the cold liquid filter down her face. A warm hand on her shoulder made her shiver. Maria quickly splashed her face with water a few more times and turned off the tap.
She turned to face Natasha. The woman cupped Maria’s face in both her hands, wiping the drops away from under her eyes. The former commander closed her eyelids and rested her forehead on the redhead’s. Their lips connected moments later in a slow kiss, full of both sadness and protectiveness.
Maria felt empty. Did people always feel like that when they lose someone? Was it normal?
She could not recall the last time she mourned someone. She was not sure if she ever did that in her life. Her mother died while giving birth to Maria, so she did not have a chance to miss the woman. She never got to know. Her father was… well, she was not sure if he was still alive. They barely spoke to each other, since she left for the marines. She did not mind it at all. It was better when he was not a part of her life anymore.
Other agents died. But it was not the same. Sophie was different.
“Hey you,” Natasha whispered, breaking the kiss and connecting their foreheads again. ”A penny for your thoughts?”
“Just thinking about Sophie,” Maria swallowed hardly.
“Mhm,” Natasha hummed, “hungry?”
“Not really.”
“Come on, I’ll make you any healthy food you wish, commander,” the redhead said playfully, easing away from Maria.
“Nat, you can’t cook,” she chuckled.
“Maria, what else is on your mind?” Her wife's voice was very distant.
She slowly turned her eyes away from the screen. Natasha insisted on watching their favorite Disney movie, “Mulan” for the hundredth time but Maria did not pay attention to blinking, colorful television pictures in front of her.
“Nothing,” she lied and cracked a smile. “Shall we resume the movie?” Maria wrapped herself more tightly in her favorite, soft and white blanket. Before she could even reach the remote, it was quickly snatched away from her sight.
“Don’t lie to me, Maria”.
The former commander swallowed hard and closed her eyes.
How was she supposed to tell Natasha she had a secret when they had promised to be honest with each other? This was not something they could work out, laugh down or easily forget. No, this was a storm maker. A tornado maker. The end of the fucking world maker.
“Sophie had a daughter,” Maria started carefully, biting her cheek from the inside.
“That blonde-haired girl you always give your doughnuts to? Yeah, I remember her. Poor kiddo.” She was brushing her thumb over Maria’s palm.
“ You know, Sophie was a single mother,” she began slowly, taking a deep breath. “For most of the time, she had help from her mother but the woman passed away one year ago.”
“Aw, that’s so horrible,” Natasha whispered, squeezing her hand a little. “Doesn’t she have other family? A father, perhaps?” she asked.
“Nope,” Maria hesitated. “Sophie had stated in her papers, not to let the father take care of her daughter. You know, I was pretty close to her, we talked about many things.”
“Yeah, I remember. How old was she? Twenty-six? Twenty-seven?”
“She was twenty-five this year. I was like an older sister she never head, I guess? I knew quite a lot about her. She trusted me. With her life, when I was her handler before S.H.I.E.L.D. fell. And with her daughter. Nat, I used to take her for fucking ice creams when Sophie had to take up exams for the upper range.”
Maria was breathing heavily, as closer of revealing the truth to her wife she was. The picture of a little girl formed in her mind, causing her to close her eyes for a second. She still remembered the days when Sophie had no one to leave her daughter with, so she would bring her to the headquarters. Fortunately for the young woman, S.H.I.E.L.D. had no thing such as policy against kids at work, as long as they did not interrupt other employees. Maria would often exchange smiles with the blonde-haired girl in the common canteen. Sometimes, Maria would even bring her to her office and let the girl draw 3D drawings on holos, Stark provided the agency with.
“I didn’t know you’ve got such a soft spot for kids, Hill,” Natasha cracked a smile. “I mean, you’re great with Clint and Laura’s but you know, I thought it’s only because they’re our family. So, the girl. She will be an orphan now, won’t she? I hope her daughter finds the right foster parents soon,” she cocked her head to the left, her red shoulder-length hair cascading down the shoulder.
Maria’s heart pounded in her chest heavily and loudly. She could feel her blood, traveling through her whole body, to keep her alive. But Maria felt completely the opposite. She felt how sweaty she was and how deep she had already dug her own grave.
“Maria, what aren’t you telling me,” she heard redhead’s voice from the distance.
“I’m her legal guardian now,” Maria whispered.
“I beg your pardon?” Natasha took her hand away.
“Natasha, you have to hear it through,” she caught her wife’s hand but the second woman moved away.
“We had an agreement, Maria. No lies. No secrets! You were the one who fucking insisted on that rule!” Natasha rose to her feet, her blanket falling on the floorboards.
“I know babe, but…,” the former commander was immediately cut off.
“Don’t you ‘babe’ me, Maria Hill!” She snapped. “What were you thinking? No, why are we having this conversation only now, in the first place! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
Natasha breathed loudly, her nostrils flaring from anger. Maria met her eyes and shivered when she saw in the green eyes she loved nothing but betrayal, sadness, and distrust. She got up from the couch, her blanket joining assassin's on the floor. She slowly approached her wife.
“Nat… Let me explain,” she whispered.
“You’ve got two minutes, starting from now,” she glanced at her smartwatch.
“Why don’t we sit,” Maria offered, her voice soft and quiet.
“One minute, fifty-six seconds,” Natasha did not make any move towards the furniture, crossing arms on her chest.
“When Sophie asked me to become the legal guardian, I was taken aback, okay?” Maria started. She knew better than to test the Black Widow’s patience. “I had no idea that the girl had so much trust in me to deliver her kid to me. Nat, it wasn’t like: “hey you know what, sure, I will be your child’s legal guardian, hand me the papers!” I thought about it for days. Weeks. Months. I didn’t want it at first, because why would I even do something like that? For what?” She stared into Natasha’s eyes.
“Yeah, exactly. For what. Maria Hill being irrational, I never would have fucking thought,” the redhead jibed and let the corner of her mouth go up a little bit.
“I’ve never had a mother figure. I know how it feels to grow up without any women around you, I know how it feels when you’re abandoned,” she continued.
“So do I,” the redhead interrupted.
“Natasha, don’t get me wrong but I’m talking about a different type of abandonment. Where you know you had parents…”
“I know I had parents!”
“...because you spend some time with them. My father was abusive and I never treated him as a family, but he was still around. So guess that’s why I agreed. So if something happened, she wouldn’t be alone. Like me, at some point.”
Natasha was staring at her, breathing heavily. Maria could not read the redhead’s thoughts or emotions. She was sensible of the fact she fucked up on this one. But she still had a few more seconds to finish the story.
“I didn’t tell you about it because I never would have thought Sophie would disappear. Die.” Maria paused for a moment. She added quietly. “I always thought that...this would never happen. But guess here we are.”
“Here you are, Maria,” said Natasha and bend to pick up her blanket from the floorboards. “You make your bed, you deal with it,” she mumbled.
When she stood upright and faced her wife again, Maria’s heart clenched at the sight of the glazed look.
“I want to be alone for now. I don’t care where you will sleep, here on the couch or somewhere else. Just… leave me alone,” she said and turned to the hallway.
Maria stood in the middle of the living room, “ Mulan” still on the pause. She heard the bedroom doors close loudly behind her wife, followed by a sound of punched pillow.
Maria was putting off her harbor.
*
Bayu Bayushki Bayu
Do not lie down near the edge of the bed
The grey wolfie will come
And grab you by your tiny side
He'll grab you by your tiny side
And drag you to the forest...
Drag you to the forest...
Down under a willow shrub.
Don't come round, wolfie, don't wake up our Masha.
(i recommend listening to this cover: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk3FE90d2W0)