Work Text:
“loving you was the most exquisite form of self destruction."
mark’s chest felt heavy. heavy and congested, that’s what it felt like. looking at jaemin made it worse, bringing along an achingly raw sensation. his chest was hot. tingly. it was unbearable.
“mark,” jaemin spoke, not bothering to look up from the guitar he was fiddling with. it was mark’s guitar, he was strumming. sitting on the end of mark’s bed. in mark’s room. back facing mark while the latter was inclined to cave in toward the dip jaemin was making in the bed. the room felt stuffy, but it was just him. “why are you so quiet?”
mark blinked a few times. he stared intensely at the back of jaemin’s jacket. there was a loose thread touching the blanket every time he shifted. rays of sunlight bled through mark’s curtains, making a soft pattern on jaemin’s hair. he could feel a cough coming on.
“mark?”
the said boy whipped his head up and looked at jaemin, who was now looking at him over his shoulder. his honey eyes were warm and shone in the hazy afternoon light. mark felt hot all over and begged for his lungs not to give up on him.
“not feeling well?”
mark thought he was dying. he watched jaemin put the guitar on its stand. he came towards mark and put the back of his hand up to his forehead. mark couldn’t help it and let out a strangled cough. he could taste blood on his tongue. that was it.
“fuck, mark. you’re burning up.”
jaemin abruptly left and went to the bathroom. mark immediately went into a coughing fit, leaning over the edge of his bed to cough up bloody flowers into his trash bin. lilacs . he could hear jaemin telling mark that it was alright to let it all out. he started coughing even harder. he forced himself to stop as soon as jaemin came out, wet towelette and water in hand.
“drink this.”
mark weakley took the bottle from jaemin’s hand, body going clammy just by brushing against jaemin’s fingers. the younger boy took the rag and placed it across mark’s forehead. his gestures were delicate. he handled mark gently. mark was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe in and out.
“hey, take it easy there, lion.”
he couldn’t hold it back, at that. mark helplessly covered his mouth as he hacked up more lilacs, eyes straining to tell jaemin to hand him the trash bin on the floor. jaemin wasted no time in bringing it to him, watching worriedly as the older boy coughed up into the bin. he couldn't see whatever was coming out of mark's mouth.
jaemin’s phone pinged with a text. he checked it, eyes quickly scanning the message.
“mark, i need to meet up with jeno. i forgot we planned something tonight. will you be okay, here? i can call someone to stay if you need it.”
it felt like mark’s lungs collapsed. it hurt, hearing jaemin say those words. he took a deep, ragged breath and smiled earnestly.
“go. you don’t wanna be late. i’ll be fine, jaemin.”
mark couldn’t recognize the hesitant look in jaemin’s eyes. every single one of jaemin’s movements was reluctant, even after he stepped out of mark’s apartment. mark couldn’t see it. the second jaemin was gone, mark was back to coughing up lilacs, chest hot and aching. he called haechan over for emotional support.
“i don’t know what to do. he has no idea about what's going on with me, and now i feel like a fucking burden because i seem sick all the time," mark ranted to haechan.
haechan sat at mark's desk, looking through his stacks of vinyl records. he pulled out the blue neighborhood album and placed it on the record player. the songs started with a scratch. "why don't you tell him? like yeah, the disease is rare, but it's not like he doesn't have a clue as to what's wrong with you. there's a chance he could—"
"no there's not. no way in hell. he could never love me back," mark cut haechan off in frustration.
"...i was gonna say that there's a chance he could help you through it. regardless of whether he likes you back or not. and how do you even know?" haechan turned to glare at mark, who was not looking at him. he was pouting defiantly at the ground. "how do you know there's no way he likes you back?"
mark couldn't find the words. he felt his chest growing heavier as he tried to formulate his thoughts. "you see the way he looks at jeno...i couldn't complete with that."
haechan groaned, then stopped the record player. "this shit is too depressing. i feel like screaming into a pillow." he started gathering his things to leave. "before we go, let me tell you this: stop assuming stuff based off of little things that you can easily misinterpret. yeah, jeno and jaemin look at each other a certain way. but you can't change that. instead, why don't you start noticing the way jaemin looks at you ?"
hope made mark's chest feel a tad lighter. his breathing was less raggedy. "wait, what do you mean by 'before we go'? "
haechan smiled and pulled mark off of the bed. he guided the older boy into the bathroom, then tossed him some clothes. "get dressed. we're gonna go out, you damn killjoy."
__________________________________________
“hyuck, i really don’t want to be here—”
“suck it up, buttercup! you’re gonna have fun whether you like it or not.” haechan took a sip from his red solo cup. how cliché. but that simply was haechan’s getaway. if the mood was down—his or someone else’s—there’d always be a party he could take you to. this time, it was johnny’s.
speak of the devil.
“mark! how've you been, buddy?” johnny’s large frame came up next to mark’s small one and threw his arm across his shoulders, squeezing him in a side hug. as much as mark loved johnny, he’d rather keep a distance from the tall frat boy who reeked of alcohol.
“fine,” mark answered, barely heard. johnny was gone as fast as he appeared, after seeing a dance pit form.
haechan shook his head at mark’s droopy head, eyes fixated on the stained carpet. he gripped his cup tightly, and his leg bounced around as if it was vibrating. “loosen up a bit, lee,” hyuck encouraged, then downed the rest of his drink. “i’m gonna mingle. you cool staying here?”
mark couldn’t help but nod. no, he was not, in fact, okay with staying there. he wanted to get the hell out of the place, calm down in the fresh night air. but he knew haechan needed this just as much as he didn't. he has his ways of coping with his own shit, and it so happened that this was the way he coped with it. mark completely understood that, so he didn’t mind.
it was when he heard johnny greet jeno and jaemin, did he wish he asked haechan to stay with him.
in an instant, mark’s chest got alarmingly hot and heavy, his breathing borderline wheezing. he needed to find haechan and go, or find a way out himself. trying to find haechan would be a lost cause; the crowd was too thick and he knew he’d be passed out in johnny’s room by now. his only choice was to try to leave alone, avoiding jaemin at all costs.
mark weaved through the sweaty party-goers, eager to get to the back door and leave through the back gate. that was the plan, until a few drunk dancers trapped mark, stubborn to let him go without dancing with him, first. he just about had a panic attack until he felt a hand grab his wrist and pull him out.
jeno.
“hey, mark,” he greeted with his eye smile. “jaemin was looking for you. johnny told us you were here.” just as he was mentioned, jaemin appeared behind jeno with a worried look. mark’s breathing was growing shallower by the minute.
“mark? what the hell are you doing here? i thought you were sick?” jaemin’s expression was a mix of worry and anger, but all mark could see was the latter.
he slapped away jaemin’s hand that was raising to touch his forehead. jeno cowered slightly at mark’s behavior and held jaemin’s arm. mark’s lungs were on fire. he couldn’t stop looking at them.
“this is where you were going with jeno, huh?” mark instigated. rage blinded his vision. he watched as jaemin’s eyes went from worry to pure anger.
“what the hell are you insinuating, mark? it’s none of your business who i’m with and where i choose to hang out with them. learn your boundaries .”
jaemin hit a nerve and he knew it. his face melted into regret after seeing mark go blank, then immediately to a scary kind of hurt. his face showed no indication that he was hurt, except the emptiness in mark’s eyes. jaemin jumped when mark violently coughed into his hand. he could see blood dripping down mark’s chin.
in a flash, mark ran up the stairs and into the bathroom. thankfully no one was there, and he found the right room instead of walking into a couple getting it on. he locked the door and dropped onto his knees in front of the toilet. tears filled mark’s eyes as he coughed up fully bloomed lilacs, spattered with blood. the toilet was filled with flowers floating in a red liquid alarmingly fast, and it only got worse when jaemin came banging on the bathroom door, asking if mark was okay. mark was convinced he was suffocating when jaemin left to get someone.
but only a few moments later, he heard harsher bangs against the door. mark ignored them, his priority being to cough up as many petals and flowers as he could to try and ease the pain. it seemed as soon as one flower came up, another bloomed inside.
the banging on the door slowly became muffled. mark’s vision was blurred, from what he assumed were tears. he felt his limbs grow heavy, and the coughs got weaker. he struggled to keep his eyes open as he was lifted up into the arms of someone who was telling him that he was gonna be okay. blood dribbled down his chin. his eyes lolled to the back of his head.
as soon as mark was hauled out of the bathroom and jaemin made sure he left safely, the latter went back up to the bathroom. he took nervous steps to the toilet, the seat stained with drops of blood.
lilacs. jaemin turned and puked into the bathtub.
▢▢▢
102 missed calls. 38 from haechan, 64 from jaemin. 19 voicemails. 10 from haechan, 9 from jaemin. 27 texts from jaemin.
haechan’s voicemails consisted of him apologizing for leaving mark at the party, and to pretty please not kill him so he could treat mark to dinner soon.
jaemin just pleaded for mark to call him back and to text him when would be a good time for him to come over. his texts were him saying “i’m sorry,” a million times, that he should’ve cared more about his situation.
then, there was the boy who was passed out on the couch across from mark. and that mark wasn’t sleeping in his own bed.
mark stretched within the sheets and licked his dry lips. his mouth recently tasted of mint, instead of metal, like he expected. he still felt congested, but somewhat lighter after last night. he sat up in bed, looking across the room at the person sprawled across the couch. quietly, mark stepped out of bed and tip-toed over to the mystery person. he squatted down and held his breath when the person shifted, the blanket falling off of their face.
mark stared at the boy’s face, trying to remember if he’s ever met him before. he couldn’t recall and sat, dumbfounded. why would he save him from the party, last night? for all he knew, neither of them had any history together. why him? his eyes blinked open.
mark yelped and fell back onto his butt, looking at the boy on the couch with doe eyes. the boy yawned. “you’re already awake? does your head hurt?”
now that he mentioned it, mark’s head did hurt. he was too focused on the pain in his chest to feel anything else. “...yeah. i—”
the boy on the couch began getting up before he could finish. “i’ll get you some pain killers.”
he vanished inside the bathroom without another word. mark stayed on the ground, mind clouded with so many different thoughts. he chose to listen to the unknown boy rummaging through the bathroom cabinets, and a loud, “shit!” when he heard (what he assumed) him hitting his head somewhere. he emerged a few seconds later, then handed mark a glass of water and two pills.
“take this. it should start working in a few minutes.”
“thanks…” mark awkwardly downed the two pills as the boy watched. he handed him the glass when he was finished, and mark stared at the floor. he messed with the carpet anxiously. “um...who are you?”
“oh shit, yeah. i’m yukhei. a friend of jeno’s.”
mark felt his chest cave in. the memories of last night came flooding back into his head. jaemin and jeno showing up at the party. mark throwing accusations. jaemin almost fighting him. mark coughing up a shit ton of lilacs into johnny’s toilet. yukhei picking him up off the ground and taking him out of the house.
“about last night, mark.” yukhei sat down on the ground with the said boy, and set the glass next to his legs. “i’m sorry if anyone saw. i tried to get you out of there as quickly as possible, but there was also this tall kid who was demanding to see you, and i didn’t think you’d want anyone to see...y’know…”
mark nodded, not looking at yukhei. “it’s fine. i appreciate it. i knew i was bound for more people to find out about my disease, anyway.”
“does he know?”
mark met eyes with yukhei. “does who know?”
“the tall kid. the one jeno was holding back as i got you out of there.”
mark shook his head. “jaemin? like hell, he knows. if he does, you might as well kill me now." he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, then snapped his gaze up to yukhei's. "do you know anything about them?"
yukhei cocked his head to the side. "what do you mean?"
"like...do you know if jeno and 'the tall kid' are in a relationship? that kind of thing."
yukhei bit his lip before busting out into laughter. "jeno and him in a relationship? no way, i'd know the kid's name if they were together; jeno would be talking about him all the time."
mark's palms became clammy, throat dry. "so they aren't dating?"
"nah. jeno talks about hyuck, not the other one ."
__________________________________________
mark left yukhei's place by an uber, waiting to get home until he contacted any of his friends. his first call was haechan.
"oh my god, mark, i'm so sorry—"
"save it, hyuck," mark sighed. "it's not your fault. you just did your thing, it's no big deal."
"well, yeah it's a big deal if i basically left you for dead while the fucking lacrosse captain hauled ass with you over his shoulder.”
“the who?”
“you heard me, bitch! the most popular jock on campus saved your ass last night. maybe you can use him to make jaemin like you.”
mark shook his head. “absolutely not. if jaemin somehow gains feelings for me, that’s something for him to tell me. i shouldn’t force it.”
“ugh, so boring. but did anything else happen while you were with yukhei?”
mark went quiet for a moment. should i tell him what yukhei said about jeno? “...uh yeah, actually. he mentioned you.”
“eh?”
“he... basically revealed that jeno likes you. a lot.” the line went silent. “hyuck? hello?”
“...MARK I THINK I LIKE HIM BACK.”
mark let himself laugh, genuinely happy for his younger friend. they talked for a bit more about jeno, yukhei, and school. mark never mentioned the altercation between him and jaemin.
“wait, doesn’t this mean there’s a chance jaemin likes you back?”
mark bit his lip, staring at his guitar. dust was collecting on the headstock. “maybe. i don’t wanna get my hopes up. my chest does feel lighter, though.”
“let’s kick this disease’s ass, mark. i’ll talk to you later, i have a certain boy to ask out.” haechan hung up.
mark threw his body back onto his bed, letting his phone drop out of his hands and slide onto the ground below. he stared at the patterns of sunlight on the ceiling, leaking through his bay window. he didn’t feel like talking to jaemin. he knew he should. clear up anything from the party, as well as apologize. but he didn’t. instead, he wanted to release all the tension built up in his body. for the first time in a year, his chest didn't feel as heavy as it usually did. whether that was because of hope or a real possibility that jaemin indeed had reciprocated feelings, mark didn’t care. he wanted to seize this moment and feel nothing, even for only a moment.
he was going to jump in the river near his apartment.
it was something mark had always wanted to do, even before he got the disease. he didn’t do it before, because he was too afraid. the funny part is that jaemin promised that when mark was ready to jump into the river, he’d jump alongside him. mark convinced himself jaemin forgot about the promise as he made his way to the bridge.
the jump from the bridge to the water wasn’t too high; it was high enough to give you that gasp of adrenaline moments before you hit the water, making you think that maybe this wasn’t a good idea. but once you emerge from the water laughing, you’ll want to be doing it over and over again.
mark was worried, yes, but not because of the fear of jumping. he was afraid his disease would get in the way. what if he started choking on the lilacs in his lungs, underwater? he refused to dwell too much on the thought. he wanted to think about being in oblivion for the short moment he was going to be submerged. not dying.
when mark reached the bridge, it looked just as how he remembered it. the aged brown wood, little kids running to and from the other side. it was timeless, to mark. a place to escape, where nothing else mattered but the creak of the wood underneath your feet and the cool breeze tousling your hair.
it wasn’t a rare occurrence for kids and teens to jump off the bridge and into the river. there was never a case of anyone drowning, as kids in the area were well managed. so, it was no surprise for the little kids near mark to start their oohs and ahhs at the sight of him balancing on the ledge.
for a moment, mark felt weightless. the river perfectly faced the sun setting in the horizon, casting a pink and purple glow on him. he spread his arms giddily, feeling the wind lace through his fingers and ruffle his shirt in the wind. he inhaled deeply, relishing in the scent of the slightly salty river below him. then he crossed his arms over his chest and jumped, feet first.
there's a moment when you jump into the deep end of a pool; for a second you're neither plunging deeper into the water, nor are you starting to float up. you feel nothing for that split second where everything is still, and your limbs start to unravel away from your body. nothing could hurt you. you were one with the water, even for that fraction of a second. that's the feeling mark loved. he craved it every time he needed a break, and this was one of those times.
the water was colder than mark anticipated, immediately making him move to find the surface of the river. when his head popped out, he heard the little kids cheering happily behind him. he shook the water out of his hair like a dog, letting out a triumphant, "woohoo!"
“mark?”
he swished his body around in the water to look back up at the bridge. it was yukhei.
mark quickly swam to the shore, clothes baggy and heavy from the water it was soaking up. yukhei met him by the rocks near the bridge. “you good? not trying to like...commit not alive or anything?”
mark giggled, something that was almost foreign to him. “no, nothing like that, yukhei. i was just going for a short swim.”
“the jump was pretty cool, to be honest. but i was in the area because—” yukhei bit his lip shyly, his right hand going up to rub the back of his neck awkwardly, “—i was worried about you. i wanted to make sure you got home safe.”
mark took a deep breath. it seemed to feel the tiniest bit lighter, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. “really? that’s cute, yukhei…” he trailed off, wondering why the hell he was subconsciously flirting with someone like yukhei. here he was, drenched head to toe, calling the lacrosse captain cute with his whole chest. oh, that. he was soaking wet and cold.
shivers started emanating from mark as soon as the realization hit him, teeth chattering and arms crossing to hug himself. “woah, woah, you really need to get dry. i know being cold and sick is the last thing you want considering your situation,” yukhei said, immediately throwing his arm over mark’s shoulder and taking him back towards home.
mark showed him the way, all the while humming through his chattering teeth and shivers. once inside, he pointed yukhei towards the bathroom so he could retrieve towels and dry clothes. mark could hear him rummaging impatiently (once again) through cabinets and drawers to find what he needed. yukhei finally came back to the kitchen to tend to mark, who was sitting on a barstool in the kitchen, dripping water profusely onto the floor.
yukhei stared at mark for a second, who was off in his own world. he smiled, as he found the way mark was waiting patiently a bit cute. when yukhei walked forward and mark whipped his head up to look at the former with doe eyes, yukhei fervently bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from smiling goofily.
“arms up,” yukhei said.
mark scoffed. “i’m a big boy, i can do it myself.” mark lifted his soaked shirt over his head, exposing his bare torso. yukhei didn’t know he was frozen until mark teased, “hello? aren’t you going to dry me off? you’re a big boy, you can do that part.”
yukhei gently drying mark off with the towel made the latter feel weirdly comforted. just the fact that yukhei was taking his time to tend to him with utmost care was fulfilling. not to mention the warmth from yukhei was so deliciously inviting that he couldn’t help but cave into the older boy’s touch.
when mark drowsily leaned forward to rest his head on yukhei’s abdomen, he didn’t question it. he didn’t want to. frankly, neither did yukhei. so there they were, mark almost melting into yukhei as the older ran the towel hypnotizingly throughout mark’s hair.
and in that moment, his breathing was the most tranquille it had been in a while.
▢▢▢
“i’m coming over.”
those were the words from jaemin as he hung the phone up on mark, who was coughing up more flowers into his toilet. it started before jaemin called. mark didn’t know if he hid that fact very well over the phone.
it only took jaemin 10 minutes to get there, as it was past midnight and he was going to mark’s apartment on a whim. it had been well over a week since johnny’s party, and he couldn't stand not talking to mark. he couldn't stand mark not talking to him. he hated being ignored and hated it even more that it was mark who was doing so. jaemin being jaemin, he wanted to wait until mark talked first. jaemin couldn't take it anymore and caved in.
mark didn't bother to force the lilacs down when he heard jaemin enter his apartment. if anything, it made his coughs more violent. and jaemin wasted no time being by mark's side, rubbing his back gently as the purple and red flowers smothered the inside of the toilet.
"it's okay, you can let it out."
mark just about threw up.
half an hour later, it stopped. mark's half-lidded gaze was resting on the toilet seat, and if he was completely careless, he would've passed out in front of jaemin right there. nonetheless, jaemin ended up carrying mark to bed, setting him down gently then snuggling up to his back. mark wheezed every time he inhaled.
after a moment, jaemin spoke. "im scared."
mark didn't open his eyes, nor faced jaemin. "why?"
"...i don't want to lose you."
there was truth in his words, and mark's wheezing lessened. "did you know jeno and hyuck are going out now?" mark changed the subject.
"yeah. they're gross," jaemin couldn't help but laugh. "and hyuck told me that the wong yukhei befriended you.
mark went silent. he decided he was going to punch donghyuck in the stomach next time he saw him. then mark thought back to just a few days ago when he and yukhei last saw each other. no doubt was there something starting between them, though mark doesn't dare acknowledge it. still, that won't stop him from thinking about yukhei's touch whenever his mind wanders.
"mark?"
"...yeah?" mark responded late, almost asleep.
"genuinely decide what's good for you. don't...don't let too many things influence the way you feel. if you're feeling something you can't change, just go with it. don't let anybody be an obstacle for that."
jaemin didn't expect mark to respond, so he let his guard down. he also didn't expect mark to turn around to face him, for mark to cradle his face in his hands. mark's eyes were awake, jaemin's wide.
"can i kiss you?"
jaemin blinked. then nodded.
slowly, as if he was afraid of hurting the older boy, jaemin reached up and took mark's hand, squeezing it tenderly. jaemin leaned in, eyes fluttering, and placed his lips on mark's.
both of them responded immediately, mouths molding together to fit the other. it was like two pieces of a puzzle that completed the full picture. the kiss was soft, the two boys cautious and experimental. jaemin moved his hand to the side of mark's head, tousling his hair lightly. mark sighed into the kiss, relishing in the feverish body heat he and jaemin were sharing. mark pulled away first. there was a string of saliva still connecting their lips.
the two boys had an innocent blush spread across their face, and jaemin kept his hand in mark's hair. "what made you decide on that?" the younger boy asked.
"i just wanted to see something." mark's eyes were closed. he shuddered at the way jaemin lightly tugged at his hair.
"was it what you wanted?"
this caught mark off. jaemin continued stroking the former's hair as if his question didn't hold any real meaning to it. maybe it didn't to jaemin, but mark knew better. even so, he answered truthfully.
"...no. no, it wasn't."
"are you okay with that?"
mark opened his eyes. this time jaemin was the one with his eyes shut.
"yeah…i think i am."
__________________________________________
yukhei came over the next day with a hangover.
"listen, i'm learning these guitar riffs and you groaning every other second is distracting." mark looked at yukhei, who was rolling around in the former's bed.
"i heard that jaemin came over yesterday," yukhei suddenly said.
"who keeps telling people about my business?"
"hyuck."
"i figured." mark sighed and set his guitar aside, then sat next to yukhei on the bed.
yukhei was laying on his stomach, face buried in mark's sheets. he turned over on his back and looked up at mark with a sly smile, putting his hand on mark's thigh. "did anything happen?"
mark made a sour face. "what's that supposed to mean?"
"y'know…did you guys talk, did you tell him the details of your lung stuff…what happened?"
there was a glint in yukhei's eyes that mark couldn't recognize. he ignored it. "we talked…"
"and?"
mark bit his lip. "i asked if i could kiss him."
mark could swear the grip from yukhei's hand on his thigh tightened, except he didn't have enough time to register it. "you did what? i need details~" yukhei's teasing tone didn't match the look in his eyes.
mark shrugged. "i guess we made out for a bit. it wasn't anything too steamy. but then afterwards he asked if kissing him was what i wanted and if i was okay with that." mark looked down at yukhei. "i told him it wasn't what i expected and i was fine with it."
yukhei's face contorted in confusion. "what the hell is that supposed to mean? translate it for someone who doesn't understand philosophical shit."
"it means that i wanted to kiss him and feel a connection with him. when i didn't, i ended up not feeling angry or sad about it. it was just something that happened, and now talking about all this is making me think too much. i don't like it. i should go back to playing guitar." mark began to rise from the bed and yukhei pulled him back down, making the raven haired boy fall back onto the sheets next to him.
"are you really fine with all this? you're not trying to convince yourself of something that's not actually true?"
mark thought back to last night, when jaemin told him to go with his gut feelings. he sat for a moment, thinking about yukhei's question before responding honestly. "yes, i'm okay. i don't feel anything negative nor positive. everything's…good."
mark turned his head and looked at yukhei, who was already facing the former. mark's breath caught in his throat as he locked eyes with yukhei, his whole body going awry with goosebumps. yukhei stared into mark's dark orbs for a second before clearing his throat and turning his head to look up at the ceiling. mark noticed yukhei's bangs falling gently into his eyes.
"that's good, then," yukhei expressed.
for the rest of the time until noon, they laid there in silence. the sound of cars and birds from outside mark's window filled in awkward gaps.
there were two things mark realized, laying there with yukhei. one, looking at the older boy was like living in an eternal dreamlike state. two, yukhei had a habit of playing with mark's fingers, absentmindedly. he didn't mind either.
▢▢▢
it had been almost 2 months, since mark kissed jaemin. christmas was right around the corner, and university students were sparse, on campus. mostly everyone had already flown to visit family, or traveled back to their hometown to catch up with their friends. mark hadn’t left, since he didn’t have enough expenses to fly back to canada. he was stuck in his small apartment. with jaemin. and yukhei. they weren’t leaving, either.
jeno and haechan ended up booking a trip to paris, their parents being a bit more well off than most. mark’s other friends, renjun and chenle, went to the philippines, since their singing class won a recent competition. and jisung—he was visiting juilliard, after the school noticed him in a dance competition representing his high school.
mark felt stuck. stuck with himself. stuck with two boys he was going insane over. it was tiring, but part of mark enjoyed it.
he tried not to dabble in thoughts of yukhei for too long. when it happened, he got too wrapped up in the moment he shared with yukhei, after jumping into the river. mark got goosebumps, thinking about the older boy's hands in his hair, the warmth he felt, the electricity running between them whenever they connected.
it was too much. an embarrassed part of him actually felt guilty at the thought of liking yukhei. after developing an entire disease for loving jaemin, it felt ridiculous. mark didn't like it.
there was no doubt mark loved jaemin. but the night he kissed the younger boy, he was testing to see if he felt anything. if there was that same electric current he felt when he touched yukhei. frankly, there wasn't. and much to mark's surprise, he wasn't bothered by it. what he was bothered by was the fact that after tormenting himself for so long, all he needed to learn was the difference between infatuation and love.
it was jarring, for mark. he was ready to step back and see yukhei in a different light, but he wasn't ready to let go of the addiction that was jaemin. mark hated coughing up lilacs, for sure, but he felt he was too far gone to stop now. almost a year and a half, and now you want to stop? mark decided he needed to talk about it. get advice.
mark called johnny.
no, johnny wasn't the best choice, but he was the one older person who stayed in town during the holiday. mark was just lucky johnny wasn't high or wasted when he went to his place to talk to him.
despite johnny being a party animal, he kept his house relatively clean. he couldn't stand being in a messy state for too long, and strived to take good care of his living space. he even had a few plants, which he called, "his babies."
johnny crashed down onto his couch, while mark plopped down into a bean bag nearby. "what d'you wanna talk about?"
mark sighed. he's known johnny since forever; since mark took a field trip in elementary school to chicago, where he ran into johnny. so johnny knows well of mark's situation, but mark doesn't know how to approach this new problem.
"i'm confused. i think i might like someone that's not jaemin."
johnny looked at him with a glint in his eyes. "think so? how's that disease of yours coming along?"
"...i haven't really been coughing stuff up as much as i used to."
"then it's set in stone. you think you like someone else, but you actually do. stop listening to that dense head of yours and pay attention to what your body is telling you." johnny sat up and headed towards the fridge. "you want a drink?"
mark shook his head and started following johnny to the kitchen. "no—listen." he sat down at the table while johnny grabbed a vitamin water. "i think—well i guess i do —like wong yukhei. y'know, the lacrosse captain."
johnny's eyes widened a bit. he didn't answer until he downed his drink. it was pissing mark off and he knew it. finally, with an obnoxious sigh of relief, he responded.
"tell him. christmas eve. be cliché and shit. the whole shebang."
"wait, why are you immediately adamant on me telling him?"
johnny gave a knowing look. "i talk to yukhei...just do it, no balls. you'll regret it if you don't. remember how you kissed jaemin on impulse? you don't regret it, do you?"
mark bit his lip. he knew johnny was being real with him, and he was grateful for it. "i don't. thanks, johnny."
"no problem, loser." as mark was heading out, johnny stopped him one more time. "and tell hyuck that i'm the one who has his toothbrush. i used it to clean my shoes."
mark chuckled. "gross. see you, johnny."
and as the days passed, it took mark a full week just to figure out what he was gonna say to yukhei. he planned this whole excuse that he was bored, and just wanted to run some errands with someone else that night. he'd recited to himself in the mirror. even recited it to hyuck, over the phone.
so when he showed up on yukhei's porch, mark could only get out, "do you want to—"
"sure."
mark blinked. "what?"
yukhei smiled warmly at mark, who had a scarf wrapped around his neck, up to his bottom lip. his nose was tinted a shade of pink, bit by the frosty wind.
"sure. i'll hang out tonight. i had no plans, anyway."
mark couldn't hold back the giddy smile creeping up on his face.
"i'll meet you at your apartment in a few hours." with a wink, yukhei closed the door. mark stood there for a moment, dumbfounded.
as he was leaving, mark dialed a number. after a few rings, it picked up.
"jaemin? yeah, i was wondering if you could meet me at the park near your place?"
__________________________________________
"so what did you want to talk about?"
jaemin looked irresistibly good, wearing a black turtleneck and long beige coat to match. the chains dangling from his belt loops chimed whenever he moved, his boots wet from the snow. his bangs laid as light as a feather upon his face, making him look soft and delicate.
they were sitting on a bench near jaemin's apartment. mark was nervous, fiddling with his fingers as he tried his best to find the words he needed to tell jaemin. looking at the younger boy was tempting enough for mark to fall back into him, fall back into the addiction he had for so long. he decided jaemin's warm brown eyes were dangerous and intoxicating, though he loved getting lost in them.
once he built up the courage, he faced jaemin. "i'm telling yukhei i like him, tonight."
jaemin didn't respond immediately. he was used to mark having no filter when it came to serious discussions, but he didn't expect the older boy to tell him that. "i'm proud of you," he ended up responding earnestly. his gaze faltered slightly away from mark's. he felt a prick of pain in his chest that he blamed on anxiety.
"did you know i loved you?"
jaemin's breath got caught in his throat. he had his response immediately but faltered. "...yes. of course i did. i realized it after the party. you weren't coughing up my favorite flowers for no reason."
tears threatened to fill mark's eyes. he cleared his throat and started bouncing his leg up and down. "why didn't you say anything?"
jaemin sighed. "i don't know. i...don't know." jaemin suddenly thrust his head into his hands, covering his face in frustration. " i don't know, " he repeated.
mark stayed quiet. he genuinely didn't know what else to say. jaemin rose back up after a minute, but didn't look mark in the eye. the older boy opened his mouth to speak, until jaemin beat him to it.
"if i told you i love you, what would you say?"
jaemin looked up and stared at mark. his warm brown eyes were wet. mark could see so many emotions raging through them at that moment.
"i'd say i love you, too. the timing just wasn't right."
a tear spilled from jaemin's eye. his body shivered. "can i kiss you?"
mark didn't hesitate to oblige. he wasn't mad at jaemin, nor at his request. last time, the kiss was for mark. this time, it was for jaemin's sake.
mark lightly took jaemin's neck in his hand and brought him forward, letting their lips brush over each other in agonizing movements. jaemin closed the gap and kissed mark hard. it was the most bittersweet kiss they experienced in their entire lives. mark was gentle with jaemin's desperate actions, and ran his hands all throughout jaemin's hair as tender as he could manage. jaemin pulled back and rested his forehead on mark's.
" let's just stay like this for a while ," jaemin whispered.
mark didn't say anything and stayed. he knew jaemin needed this just as much as he did .
and they were okay with that.
▢▢▢
spring, the following year.
jeno and donghyuck had plans of travelling to their favorite destinations for those few weeks before college started again. renjun, chenle, and jisung were occupied with sorting through performing arts colleges who were desperate for them to attend their school (they all had their eyes set on juilliard). jaemin was studying in the states to become a foreign language teacher. yukhei was in the process of moving into mark's apartment, and johnny was still doing what johnny does.
mark still talked to donghyuck as often as before, and did his best to facetime him tons. hyuck kept mark updated on little rumors he hears within their friend group, such as the rumor that johnny's been going strong with the thai exchange student ten, for a while.
jaemin and mark texted a lot, but had never called. and mark couldn't blame him—he'd understand if there were some harbored feelings from last year that jaemin couldn't ignore. everyone needed time to heal and their own form of it.
but mark was out buying groceries, when his phone rang with a specific ringtone he almost didn't recognize.
about to drop his bags, mark fumbled for the phone in his pocket and looked with wide eyes at the contact name.
"hello?"
"hey, mark." he didn't sound too good.
"jaemin? you never call, why'd you call?" he heard muffled coughing on the other line. his heart almost stopped, but instead skipped a beat.
"no reason...just missed talking to you."
"you sick? i heard coughing."
"i have a nasty cold. you know how americans are with their unvaccinated kids."
mark let out a sigh of relief and chuckled. "well it's nice to hear your voice again...when are you gonna come back and visit everyone?"
"soon. maybe once summer starts. i miss you guys."
"we miss you too."
shared silence.
"hey mark?"
"hey jaemin?"
"i love you."
mark grinned with confusion. "i love you, too."
the line went dead.
mark stared at his phone, looking at the red button flashing that indicated jaemin hung up.
the spring wind ruffled mark's hair as it brought little white flowers floating through the air. mark was still staring at his phone even after the screen went black. "i love you, too…"
jaemin sat with his head in his hands at his dorm in the states. he sobbed silently into his palms, chest feeling like it was on fire. the phone call was getting too much for him.
and a single poppy flower spattered with red lay next to his foot on the ground.