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Havoc doesn’t say anything to the rest of the team about the secret Ed had entrusted in him. And such a big secret, stated so simply in the guise of a question - what if it’s not just pretty…girls?
It’s not that the team would do anything if they knew. Treat Ed any differently. It’s just that it ain’t Havoc’s secret to tell. So he doesn’t tell, and he doesn’t try and cover up for Ed either because he’d certainly just end up drawing more attention to it, and he uses the handily gender neutral, extremely humiliating lover when referring to Ed’s future anything. He’s pretty sure he’s got a handle on it.
And then Riza informs him that he has to talk to Al too, even thought awkward boners are a -0% chance. She makes a few good points about how they might as well deal with it before he gets his body back and Ed immediately deserts, because there’s almost no way Ed will be any good at having the talk with his newly returned baby brother.
Well. He did break the news about Father Christmas to most of his younger relatives. He can probably give a body-less teenager a prep talk and a pep talk about what to maybe-expect when the hormones hit, and if Al turns out to be ace - well that’s just fair turnabout on Riza, really.
He doesn’t bother to track down Al, instead just waiting until Ed swaggers into the office after an away mission. Elric Swagger is directly proportional to the amount of property damage caused on away missions, with Ed’s rocketing upwards right along with the price of repairs and Al’s plummeting. Ed doesn’t look quite like a million bucks today, but not far from it.
More than enough time for him to talk with Al, then. Mustang and Ed will be ripping each other new ones until clock-out.
“Al, can I talk to ya a minute? I wanna show you something,” Havoc says, chewing on his cigarette. Riza manages to radiate approval from her desk without moving a muscle.
Al radiates surprise and follows Havoc, also without moving a muscle. Because he has no muscles. Because Havoc is about to give a sex talk to someone without - and possibly never with - the ability to have intercourse.
His life has gotten so goddamn weird since Ishval.
Havoc takes Al to an alley where cats - strays and people’s outdoor pets - regularly frequent. It’s all about providing a safe zone, a comfortable distraction. Ed got food, because it’s the only great love he has that he can multitask with. Al gets cats, because Havoc doesn’t think he could get through this if he had to flaunt around his physical form at the same time.
“Cats!” Al cries, and runs for an alley cat. It runs to meet him, purring already. By all rights it shouldn’t, with 200 pounds of steel armor clanking towards it, but Havoc supposes the old saying is true and Al’s proof. Cats see souls, not sins. “Thank you, Mr Havoc, this was definitely worth going.”
“Ah, yeah…” Havoc rubs the back of his head, and then reaches in his pocket for his lighter. If he’s outside, he might as well make the most of it. “You mind?”
“If you smoke?” Al asks, surprised again. Right. He wouldn’t be able to smell it. Ask a stupid question- “Yes, I do. No smoking, please.”
-get a stupid answer.
“What? Why not?” Havoc squawks.
“Mr Havoc, I can’t stop you from killing yourself if you choose to, but I’d prefer to not have to see it. Besides, these cats are much smaller than you and the effect will be greater on them, and they can’t even say please.” Al holds up a ragged looking tomcat, a particularly evil looking thing, that in his hands seems to have the biggest most pitiful yellow eyes that have ever graced an alley cat. “Look at his lil face, Mr Havoc. Do you want to give him lung cancer?”
The tomcat blinks its rheumy eyes at Havoc, sniffling a little, and gives a truly bone chilling little yowl. Havoc puts his lighter away.
“Look Al, I’m going to be up front with you. I was nominated to give a sex education talk to your brother, and Hawkeye thought I should give you one too.”
“I know all the theory,” Al says.
“Well, there’s a bit more to it than just scientific theory-”
“All the theory. Not just scientific,” Al corrects gently, cradling the dirty tomcat. “More than I’ll probably even need, if I’m being honest. It’s amazing what kind of novels you can buy when you’re 7 feet of steel, even at my age. I don’t even get carded!”
Havoc chews on his cigarette, stumped. “Hm. Well. Any questions, I guess?”
Al shrugs. “No, I’ve pretty much got the sexual theory covered. Especially once Ed gets my body back, with the right parts this time.”
Havoc squints. “Right parts? This time?”
“Oh- that’s right. Did you know, I hadn’t even considered you wouldn’t know? I… well, I’m not going to be Alphonse for long. If that makes sense to you. Even if Ed can’t make my body more compatible with my soul while retrieving it, alchemy isn’t the only answer to my kinds of problems.”
Havoc tries to suss that one out. It takes a moment, until he remembers Old Man McDonald with the goat farm - and the way he’d been Old Widow McDonald most of Havoc’s life.
“I think I got it. Do you want to… should I…”
“Oh, no! It’s… well. It’s easier, at least while I’m in the armor… to be the Elric brothers. And Ed knows. Winry and Granny know. We had - bring back Mom… it took me a while to figure it out. And I wanted to be able to tell her first. But that didn’t happen.”
“Al,” Havoc says, conflicted. Because what Al’s describing sounds like an extension of the Elric's sacrificial habits, and he’s not sure if it’s healthy. But hell, he’s not prepared for this. He needs to read some pamphlets or something so he doesn’t shove his whole foot in his mouth. “Alright. But just - let me know. If there’s anything I can do.”
“I’d say you could offer me advice with girls,” Al starts with the beginnings of a conspiratorial tone, and Havoc can already hear the end in his head, except it’s somehow not what Al says. “But I don’t think you’re much better with them than I am.”
Well. Havoc chews on his cigarette, which finally gives up and breaks completely, filling his mouth with soggy paper and tobacco. As he sputters mostly from that, but partially from indignation, he thinks - well. Didn’t see that one coming.
He’s starting to think he might not see much coming from the Elric siblings. But at least he doesn’t have to change the way he teases Al about getting a nice girl to settle down with.