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jeno likes it when donghyuck sleeps.
it's a somewhat creepy thing to say, yes, jeno knows this very well. but jeno does like seeing donghyuck sleep, peacefully, no worry plastered on his face like it usually is. jeno likes it when donghyuck sleeps without a care about the world. it puts his heart at ease; makes all his own worries disappear like nothing. it doesn't help that donghyuck tends to look like a teddy bear while asleep; if anything, it only made jeno even more fond of him.
it's easy for jeno to know when donghyuck is fully asleep and when he isn't. jeno cannot be bothered with the specifics and science of it all; he just knows donghyuck is peacefully asleep when the frowns on his forehead smoothen out, and his lips are partly open. jeno knows donghyuck is asleep when he breathes softly and evenly, almost like a soft breeze of wind.
in the same way, he also knows donghyuck isn't sleeping well when the latter moves a lot, curls into himself, trying to muffle the sounds of distress escaping his throat.
when donghyuck cannot sleep, jeno helps him. he lies beside donghyuck, hooking his arms around donghyuck's waist, burying his face in the nape of the latter's neck, legs curved enough to let donghyuck be comfortable. sometimes donghyuck would turn to him, and jeno would fall asleep to hot breaths against his chest. other times, it's donghyuck who drifts to sleep first, calming down contently with the other's presence. jeno knows donghyuck gets frustrated when he cannot sleep; gets delirious to an extent. and jeno knows how to comfort him; he had been doing that ever since they got close, after all, the two of them being announced to be a part of the company's biggest boy group debut plan ever.
going back to the point: jeno likes watching donghyuck sleep, he just does. he likes feeling assured that donghyuck is getting the rest he needs, promoting tirelessly with two groups consecutively and sometimes even simultaneously. he's seen donghyuck through the worst of his pains and stress, and he thinks it's okay to feel happy watching someone he holds precious to finally be relaxed, to be happy, even if it's somewhat unconscious.
even now, as he watches donghyuck sleep without even changing to his pajamas, he feels himself relax.
they are in america, having landed just a few hours ago. they have one day before their performance and two days before their flight back to seoul. jeno had decided to spend it in the room anyway, catching up on whatever he missed during the flight, and maybe during the entire month of comeback preparations.
jeno had went to wash up first, but even in that short time, donghyuck had managed to fall deep into sleep.
"you really do sleep peacefully." jeno whispers as he settles on the other bed.
he knows he's staring at someone sleeping, and knows it's as creepy as it sounds. but he cannot help it. it is to donghyuck's sleeping face that he sleeps to, feels his own jogging heart come to a slower pace to match that of donghyuck's. when jeno wakes up in between their day-in, he finds himself tangled between donghyuck's arms and legs. he wonders if he wants to— wants to — move out of it, but the warmth is too addicting that he decides against it. the small gap between the two single beds doesn't matter anymore, as they've managed to sleep crossways. it's much better, much more comfortable, even if he's trapped in donghyuck's arms.
—▪︎—
jeno and donghyuck are thirteen and energetic teenagers. days entirely spent in practice rooms, either with vigorous dancing or daydreams of travelling across the world.
jeno listens to donghyuck talk about japan; about thailand, malaysia and america, and how he will perform in all the countries with the biggest charismatic smile ever. donghyuck always manages to snoop in their debut plan meetings, getting scoops of secret information. jeno is the one who mostly indulges him; the others simply say they're too busy.
(jeno has a soft spot for donghyuck, and maybe he'll admit it in ten years, but not now.)
and finally, finally, whatever donghyuck's conspiracy theories were come true: they perform on their first stage ever.
the night before, everyone are in jitters. jeno is focused on the way he is off beat, how his heart rushes and confuses his mind. donghyuck is no better, jumping up and down to reduce whatever nervousness he had.
"one last practice, guys!" the instructor yells from a corner of the room. jeno feels like the wallpapers of the sky could easily fool him into thinking it was morning, that he has to perform now .
they twist and turn, shuffle and shift. they tumble.
jeno knows something is wrong when donghyuck does not get up after the tumble, when the tumble feels different. everyone stops, the instructor is running closer. jeno dares to turn and look at donghyuck and—
oh god .
there's blood, blood , and it makes jeno go into a mental overdrive. he hovers over donghyuck, aimlessly, stupidly, watching the latter wince in pain with teary eyes. blood still runs out from the wound, it's smeared in jeno's mic, and oh god oh god oh god —
"sorry!" he blurts out, kneeling down with weak legs. "i-i'm so sorry, hyuck-ah!"
donghyuck nods, but doesn't do anything else since it still hurts. someone takes him out, leaving the practice room in a heavy silence. some of the trainees glare at him, some take pity and care to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that it happens all the time.
jeno feels his hands shake in fear, in guilt and remorse and regret. all he wants to do is hide forever until donghyuck comes back safe and sound.
he runs out, does not realize that until someone stops him on his way. doyoung's face comes into his line of sight.
"jeno, where are you—"
"i— i didn't mean to," he exhales, feeling his entire body shake with jitters. what if donghyuck can't perform? what if the injury is too big and makes donghyuck sit back? what if they can't debut together? what if he cannot see anymore? what if—
"jeno, jeno listen to me." doyoung's voice interrupts his thoughts. "hyuck will be fine."
jeno looks up, and shows doyoung the blood-smeared mic. "will he?"
doyoung laughs, albeit not as happy as it usually is. "that devil will survive anything. he'll be just fine, don't worry."
that night, jeno waits anxiously at the entrance of their dorms, pacing back and forth and biting his nails. he's almost biting through his skin when donghyuck returns, finally , with a bandage right below his right eyebrow.
"what are you doing here?" donghyuck asks, and jeno knows it isn't spiteful, but his mind makes him think so.
"i'm so , so sorry ," jeno almost cries out. "i-i didn't know i did the part too closely, i should've looked, i'm so sorry—"
"stop," donghyuck says with a frown. "my head hurts with all the rambling."
"but i am sorry!"
"i know, jeno. no one could've seen it coming, not you or me or anyone else. it happened, so leave it at that." jeno watches as donghyuck keeps touching the bandage. "guess i'm performing with a bandage tomorrow. this ugly bandage, sheesh ."
jeno breathes in relief, feeling a ton of weight lift off his back.
"now come on, let's go sleep."
that night, jeno sleeps with his arms tight around donghyuck, hoping it is an apology and assurance enough.
it probably started after that. jeno's habit (and liking) of watching donghyuck sleep, that is.
then still a pre-debut member, jeno watched as donghyuck turned up late every night, the hours stretching into early mornings. he would debut early , jeno heard. he would debut early, and probably without him , his mind supplied oh-so-helpfully.
every time donghyuck came to the dorms at 2 in the morning, said "practice," and clocked out haphazardly on the bed, jeno would be the one to pull the covers over him. he would give him another pillow because donghyuck sleeps a lot better when he's hugging something. jeno would turn off the lights, whispering good night into the dark as he slips into his own bed. the pillow was replaced by his own body, but jeno barely complains because he's happy. at least donghyuck rests peacefully this way.
soon, donghyuck was gone, and jeno had no way to satisfy his habit of watching donghyuck sleep peacefully. he had lost count of the amount of times he had called mark on video call and caught glimpses of donghyuck sleeping, being content with those little seconds. but then donghyuck came back, with mark in tow, and he found himself at peace once again.
—▪︎—
"when does... jeno…" he bites his lips as he writes on the paper.
".... 'think haechan looks cute?'." jaemin deadpans from beside him. the cameras are recording, and jeno has a moment of panic. what if it is uploaded for literally millions of people to see? will they think differently?
he looks at the staff holding the camera for a flashing second, hoping his message goes through by telepathy or something. "you think he looks cute? i thought you only thought i was cute."
so maybe jeno could let the recording be. "nope." he says, popping the p.
it was the dream vs. dream recording, after jaemin and jisung's. he stayed silent behind the camera, watching jaemin whine at jisung's ridiculous questions.
jeno spots donghyuck walking across the frame, towards jeno. "go there," he warns, shooing him away with his still gloved hands.
the recording starts. donghyuck, surprisingly, gets none of the answers right, while jeno answers almost everything correctly. but he does not feel hurt over it, not even for the camera. he understood; donghyuck barely stayed in the dream dorm anymore, and quite honestly jeno's questions were hard to match. he could let it go.
"you think i look cute when i sleep?" donghyuck asks.
there is absolutely no hesitation when jeno nods. he smiles widely, too, an image of donghyuck sleeping coming to his mind.
"he sleeps with the most innocent face, so peacefully," he adds while looking at the camera, hoping his red ears are covered up somehow. donghyuck smiles at jeno, softly, like one of the faces he makes while dreaming.
jeno feels his heart swell at that, unexplainably large that his face ends up bursting with a big smile afterwards, for a long while.
—▪︎—
they get into the car after filming, ready to retire for the night. jeno is beyond tired; for some reason (re: his newly grown muscles) the directors decided giving him the role of a boxer would be good, making him do endless repeats of kicking a sandbag and positioning himself for the camera shots. all the others have easy concepts, while he has to jump around for two hours to get perfect shots. but he doesn't complain; at least he does not hate it.
"tired," donghyuck says weakly from beside him as the car starts. jeno knows it's a question than a statement, and nods in response.
"be a boxer, you'd know then."
"oh, i did boxing," donghyuck replies, making jeno turn in surprise. "in thailand. we did muay thai, me and johnny hyung."
jeno's mouth shapes to an 'o' as donghyuck continues talking about his one-day muay thai class. an image of donghyuck in a boxing competition pops up in jeno's mind. it'll be nice , he hears a low voice.
without realizing, donghyuck had rested his head on jeno's shoulder. feeling the familiar weight on his shoulder, jeno feels his own exhaustion pull his eyes close. donghyuck is still talking, something about jaehyun and cooking, but it all escapes his ears. he rests his head on donghyuck's, and is soon lost in darkness.
( "shh! they'll wake up!"
"they look so damn cute, oh my god i'm gonna squeal. find me someone like that."
"i did that for jeno when we went on our busan trip."
"you couldn't have been this cute."
"i'm offended."
"can we wake them up? i just wanna go to bed." )
—▪︎—
"you're still awake?"
startled, jeno looks up at the silhouette before him, before his tired mind supplies that it is donghyuck.
"yeah," he yawns as he says. "couldn't sleep."
donghyuck chuckles, voice barely above a whisper, and sits beside jeno on the couch. he silently wraps his arms around jeno's body and leans on his shoulder. "tired," he croaks out.
jeno takes his own moment, looking at donghyuck's frown-filled face. he wanted to remove all of the folds, one by one, soothe it till it's smooth in peace. he rests his head on donghyuck's, hoping it will ease him enough.
"i don't wanna do it anymore," donghyuck whispers lowly. "i don't want to go back and forth, split between the groups. i wanna stay ."
jeno hums in understanding, unable to give an answer. he can only hope that whatever little he could do will give donghyuck the rest and relaxation he needs.
something starts to soak his shirt, and only then does jeno realize that donghyuck is crying.
"i wanna stay , jeno. why can't i? why am i so— so tired? " he asks, shoulders shaking in soft, inaudible sobs. "i like singing, but why am i… why do i not want to do it now? maybe i-i'll change tomorrow, but why don't i want it now ?"
jeno's heart twists in pain as he watches donghyuck break down so silently, so quietly and so helplessly. jeno wishes he could do something, anything to make everything that looms as a grey cloud above donghyuck disappear; to let the sun shine on him and make him glow with a smile that embodies it. he cannot understand donghyuck or his plight, and he knows he never will but he can at least be a shoulder to lean on, that much he can do.
jeno stays wordless, but he wraps his arm around donghyuck's small frame hoping for it to be at least a bit of the comfort donghyuck seeks for.
jeno does not know when donghyuck fell asleep, or how they fit in the small couch, holding each other so tightly. he wakes up to their manager tapping his arm and forcing him to get up and ready for another busy day. at least he looked apologetic about it, or jeno hopes so.
it takes all of his will to wake donghyuck up, to see that peaceful, tear-tracked face scrunch up in sleepy confusion and frustration. there aren't a lot of things that jeno hated, but he definitely hates that face. it just doesn't look good , is what jeno would reason. donghyuck looks the best when he smiles .
they're inside the car, driving through empty roads. jeno is beside donghyuck, like always. donghyuck is looking out the window, face forlorn with something jeno will never understand.
he taps donghyuck's shoulder, grabbing his attention. "wanna sleep?"
donghyuck smiles weakly and nods, leaning on jeno's shoulders, one arm looped with his. it's perfect, just perfect for donghyuck to catch a little power nap, and for jeno to be content for the day.
— ▪︎ —
jeno proudly looks at the silver watch in his right hand, and looks at donghyuck's wrist, finding the same.
it was a rather uneventful day, with donghyuck at the dorms, now that the management had focused in on other group's activities, giving others time to rest. the team is scheduled for an overseas trip in a week, but jeno could be bothered less about it.
the watch, on the other hand, is kind of an unnecessary statement at this point. they are not going out anywhere, nor are they having a photoshoot. it's just the two of them in the dorm's living room, flipping through netflix to find good shows.
jeno doesn't quite remember the reason why he's wearing the watch, but he likes it. it's theirs , his and donghyuck's. and jeno will wear it everyday if he will feel this happy every time he wears it.
he knows that the fans know about their matching watches, and honestly, he's just happy that he doesn't have to hide it. the friendship bracelet that the seven of them have got together sits on his other wrist, and it makes jeno very, very happy.
"you're in a good mood today," donghyuck comments. "anything happened?"
jeno smiles blindingly, eyes curving to a crescent shape. "nothing." he says.
"there's definitely something,"
"i'm just happy." he shakes his wrist, the watch's blue core shining against the lights in these living room.
donghyuck glances at the watch, and smiles to himself as he grabs jeno's hand and pulls it to his lap, playing with it mindlessly.
"you know," he begins, slowly leaning his head on jeno's shoulder. "i'm happy too."
"hm."
"because i… because i'm here."
jeno hums low, surprise taking over his face.
"i'm happy with you, jeno."
the surprise turns full blown, and jeno whips his head towards donghyuck, seeing the other smile giddily, almost mirroring jeno's own.
"you make me happy."
jeno feels his heart fill up with thousands of emotions, fluttering and flying inside his body and threatening to break out.
what does he say, really? when he's this taken aback, this surprised by a few simple words that he knows is true. they all make each other happy, but with donghyuck, it has always been special. ever since the time they met, they have had something much more different, much more invisible running between them, like a string attached and knotted so tightly.
"you too," jeno sighs out, minutes later, feeling the familiar weight back on his shoulder. "you make me happy too."
the tv is forgotten as the two fall asleep, arms holding each other like lifelines. if jeno hears a few camera shutters, he doesn't let it show. if he hears a bit louder snickers, he doesn't mind it either.
as long as donghyuck is there.