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Broken, Tears
Dean Winchester / Castiel Novak / Lisa Braeden / Hannah Johnson / Benny Lafitte
Winter December 30 1994 - December 31 1995
The Cranberries “Linger” / The Sundays “Wild Horses”
Lawrence, Kansas / Johnson Residence / Chevrolet Impala / O'Connell Road & E 23rd Street
The City of Lawrence was quiet on this early Sunday morning. The winter weather had opened up and the city glowed in a sheet of pristine white as the snow fell down covering everything and muting the Earth’s sounds around it.
A rumbling of an engine broke the silence of the night as if darkness was coming. The black blur of a car sped down the side streets. Inside the warm car was Dean Winchester, desperately trying to navigate the slippery roads. In the passenger seat of his Chevy Impala was his best friend, or boyfriend, or a friend who’s a boy, or a friend. Dean couldn’t stop thinking about the events that unfolded while listening to Castiel yell at him. Dean has never seen this side of Cas and to be honest, Dean was a little scared.
Angled toward Dean, Castiel sat with his back toward the passenger door and one leg resting on the seat as he furiously laid into his friend.
“I just can’t believe this Dean”
“With her?”
“Screw you”
Dean didn’t have time to answer or say anything as Cas railed him with questions. So much rage was coming out of his voice, Cas felt beyond hurt. What he just witnessed between Dean and Lisa kept replying in his head like a fiery car crash.
Cas was feeling restless cooped up in his bedroom all day. His Aunt took his siblings on a quick weekend trip, Cas had the house to his self, and of course, Dean was right by his side. Since the moment the Novak’s left, Dean and Cas have been nothing but snuggled up, on Castiel’s bed. Cas had the idea of checking out the party, that everyone was talking about.
Dean wasn’t feeling up for going to a party. The party was at Hannah’s house, one of Lisa’s mean girls. Knowing who would be present, Dean didn’t want to be in that situation, he thought best to avoid anything to do with Lisa and her friends, along with Benny and anyone they associated with. Which at times were hard, since everyone at the school sucked up to them. So, Dean just mostly associated with Cas, and few other “rebels”.
After some sweet neck kisses and a bunch of pouting and blue eye batting, Cas convinced Dean to get up and head over to the party. Hell, he even offered to go out into bitter cold to start and the warm up the Impala for Dean.
Dean and Castiel arrived at Hannah Johnson’s house as the whole school was invited. It was the end of the winter break and an early New Year’s Party.
Dean needed to take a “leak” so he went upstairs to use the bathroom, as he walked off, he grazed Cas’s elbow and flashed a smile. Castiel blushed, as he knew that graze was out of love.
After a few minutes of waiting for his friend, Cas headed toward the kitchen where all the drinks and a keg were being held. Picking up a soda, Castiel took a sip and glanced around, desperate to find someone he knew. While he was busy trying to secure a new person to talk to, Hannah Johnson drunkenly stumbled into him.
She knocked the drink out of his hands and it spilled onto his shirt. She then proceeded to plaster herself all over him and laugh drunkenly.
“Oops, I’m sorry, C… Castiel…: Hannah smirked, breathing in.
The smell aroused of Castiel’s cologne her enough to sober her up to stand on her own, after letting go of Cas. “Mhmm. You smell hot,” she said loudly as she balanced herself and reached out her hand to run through Castiel’s hair.
Castiel turned towards her and with his annoyed husky voice said, “Take a chill pill and get off me, Hannah”. He pushed Hannah’s arm away from him.
“Oh, I’m sorry, angel face,” she titled her head up with a drunken grin. Cas sighed wiping the excess soda off his shirt. “Perfect. You stay here, I’ll be back.”
As he attempted to break away from that encounter, Cas felt a tug on his arm. Hannah wrapped her arm under his and said, “Wait, Cas, I’ll go with you...”
Hannah took the lead as they broke through the crowd of drunk teenagers. The party was in full swing, ---everywhere you looked there were beer bottle towers, couples making out and friends dancing with each other. Cas didn’t do well with big crowds, so he was thankful that Hannah was escorting him upstairs. As the two made their way up the stairs, Cas had to help Hannah balance up the steps a few times, but she made it.
Now participating in small talk with her, it was actually the most they have spoken to each other since moving to Lawrence earlier in the year. Not that Cas had anything against Hannah, he just didn’t hang out with the “popular” kids. Despite her drunken state, she was quite funny, maybe this could be the start of a new friendship for the new year.
Hannah removed her arm from Cas, which to him felt abrupt. The two walked around the corner to the bathroom down the hall. As they turned the corner, he was caught off guard by the sight of Dean backed up against the wall. Before Cas had a chance to open his mouth to call out Dean’s name, he realized someone had him pinned up against the wall. Lisa Braeden was standing in front of Dean, with her hands on his broad shoulders, her eyes closed as she kissed Dean. At first, it was just Lisa doing all the work, but then he saw it.
Frozen to his spot, Cas felt he had just been stabbed in both the heart and the back. Tears started to spill over and his heart broke in half, as he watched Dean return the kiss and pull Lisa closer.
Seconds, maybe minutes pass, but it felt like an eternity. The way Dean softly and passionately kissed Lisa back revealed the emotion behind it. It was nothing like what he and Dean had. In fact, Cas slowly felt like he was dying as he realized Dean, the boy he had become soulfully embodied with, would never openly love him back that way.
“Ahem,” Hannah coughed to catch Dean and Lisa’s attention.
Dean abruptly stopped the kiss. As his eyes darted toward the source of the sound, Dean first saw Hannah, but caught the sight of Cas in his peripheral vision. The flushed, stratified look left Dean’s freckled face, as his eyes met Castiel’s and he froze in horror, just staring at his friend. The terrified green eyes watched as the sad blue eyes went cold and dark with pain.
“Dean…”
Before waiting for Dean’s voice to break the silence, Castiel pushed Hannah away and darted back in the direction he came from. He wasn’t sure that he ever felt this pain before; he felt betrayed, jealous angry, envious of someone else kissing Dean.
Dean stood still frozen in horror, after registering Cas running back down the stairs, he pushed himself off the wall and pushed Lisa off him to go after Castiel.
Grabbing his arm, Lisa said” Dean, forget about him.”
“Let go of me right now, or I swear,” Dean aggressively barked back at Lisa.
Lisa looked into Dean’s furious green eyes in which she could see anger, pain, sadness, and something else, something she never saw when they were together. “Holy shit, the rumors are true,” she said with a “I knew it” tone to her voice.
With disgust in his face Dean continued to stare back at her, “What rumors? Shut up!” Dean spit out.
Tilting her head back, “Oh, I don’t know? The one where the weird socially awkward new kid Castiel Novak is secretly and desperately in love with the captain of the wrestling team, Dean Winchester”
“And by the looks of it, vise versa.” Hannah so kindly decided to add.
“What are you talking about?” Dean griped as he ripped his arm out of Lisa’s clutches. He started to head around the corner when Hannah stepped in his path.
“Dean.” Hannah was close enough for him to smell the hours and hours of bad decisions coming off her. Dean stopped where he was in direct eye contact with her, he glanced at Lisa, and then back to Hannah. “Go to Hell! Both of you!” Dean said with pain in his voice and tears forming in his eyes.
Dean hurried down the stairs. The words Lisa said about Cas being in love with him, being desperately in love with him, kept running through his mind. Dean almost missed the last step due to his thoughts. All he knew is, he had to find Cas and explain what a spiteful “Bitch” Lisa was, and what happened to lead up to that situation.
“Damn, why are there so many people here?” Dean thought as he walked in circles, eventually stopping in the living room to catch himself. On the verge of a breakdown, Dean’s eyes frantically searched for his friend in the sea of party goers.
Doing all that he could to keep himself together, Dean couldn’t believe what had happened. It was an accident, he thought to himself. The living room was the loudest room in the house, which started to eat way at Dean as he tried to think. He started to walk out of the room toward the kitchen when the song changed and he could hear that familiar melody.
The music and words of the song made Dean stop in his tracks. He felt his chest get heavier and he closed his eyes in attempt to keep the tears in, but the pain was too much and it caused him to reach out and hold himself up on a door frame. Dean felt weak, as he stood his arm extended, resting his head on his arm, and let the song wash over his miserable soul.
“I’m sure I’m not being rude, but it’s just your attitude, it’s tearing me apart, it’s ruining every day,” played through the speakers of the boom box.
The song had brought back the memory of that night with Castiel by the lake for his birthday. Rain started to pour down as Dean and Castiel broke away from their first real kiss. Dean remembered he felt like he could see the heavens in Cas’s eyes. After the boys dried off from getting soaked, Dean laid there, in the Impala, just holding Cas and listening to the rain hit the metal of the car and sweets sounds of The Cranberries, as Cas would put it. Dean could remember Cas humming the song to himself as they drifted to sleep.
The whole situation was pissing Dean off by the minute. Dean was starting to break from the lack of room and air surrounding him. The name “Cas,” came off his lips, in the most broken way, even cupid couldn’t fix.
Dean finally made his way into the kitchen where he ran into his personal Judas.
“Dean-O,”
Benny had spotted Dean coming into the room. He was probably seven sheets to the wind. Not wanting to deal with that situation, Dean tried not to engage Benny very much in the moment, but he figured why not ask him about Cas anyway.
“Benny, have you seen Cas?” which you think Dean would have stop with just the simple question, however. “That harlot girlfriend of yours upset him and he ran off.”
A drunk laughed erupted from Benny. Placing his free hand on Dean’s shoulder. Benny leaned in.
“Harlot doesn’t describe the word for that girl. We aren’t an item anymore, I found her with The Firebirds football captain.”
Dean was scanning the crowd for Cas, so he only half heard what Benny said. All he heard was “Firebird football captain”. And his attention snapped back, to what Benny had just said.
“What? She did what? That explains so much”
“What does?”
“Never mind, have you seen Cas?” Dean asked again, more loudly so Benny could hear him without question.
As Benny was about to answer, Dean felt a nudge on his side. Next to him a blonde girl that he only knew from passing and classes appeared.
“You’re looking for Castiel right? Brown hair, tan jacket? Well, I saw him bolt the back door.”
Hoped appeared in Dean’s eyes. He thanked the girl and patted Benny on the back has he brushed past them directly for the back door.
Silence, and freezing temperatures enclosed around Dean as he stepped out onto the back deck. The feeling of the cold threw him into another panic, as he knew Cas only had his jacket and not winter coat on.
“Cas… Castiel… Where are you?” Dean’s raspy voice echoed through the night.
The sky’s pitch black, no moon, just snow, which lit up the back yard.
“I’m sorry… Castiel!” he yelled into the night. Dean could feel warmth of his tears slid down his face as he stood there on the back porch, shivering.
“Son of a bitch,” Dean whispered to himself as he tried not to slip down the stairs of the back deck. Still look around, he didn’t see Castiel. ‘It’s like he just flew away or something,’ Dean thought.
Arms folded, Dean shivered as he searched the back yard for Castiel. After a few seconds, Dean noticed fresh foot prints in the snow. Getting closer he could see a trail which he followed down the driveway and around the corner of the house.
A sigh of relief and tears came out of Dean as he spotted the Impala parked across the street under the light post. He could see his dark haired, blue eyed friend sitting inside, in tears, using his tan sleeve to wipe the pain away from his eyes.
Dean just stood there, in the middle of the driveway unnoticed, forgetting about the cold, or anything else that wasn’t Castiel. Seeing his friend in that much pain, broke Dean’s heart and he started to cry. After a few seconds, Dean bucked himself up, took a deep breath, wiped his face dry, as if it was wrong for him to show emotion. He was able to muster enough courage to walk toward the car.
The squeaking of the door caught Castiel’s attention, as Dean sat behind the wheel. Still trying to keep the tears back, he reached out and attempted to embrace his friend.
Castiel just sat there cold, dead inside, staring back toward the house, as Dean embraced him with tears gushing out of his face. Dean rested his face into Cas’s neck, and let the tears come out, trying to sputter out words, but between the tears and his face pressed into Cas’s neck, his words sounded muffed. Cas pushed Dean off and propelled him back toward his side of the car. The amount of strength Cas used to thrust Dean back, made him realize just how angry Castiel was.
Dean wanted to explained what happened. What Benny had told him. But he couldn’t say a single word. He just sat there looking back at Castiel and tearfully gazed into those cold dark blue eyes. Dean tried. He tried to see it. The love he saw in those eyes’ hours, hell, even minutes earlier, it wasn’t there anymore.
Composing himself back into a driving position, Dean glanced down at the keys in his hand, bowed his head and he could barely make his word audible enough for even himself to hear. I’m sorry”, broke through the cold air.
Shaking his head and resting his right arm on the rest of the car door, and looking out the widow Castiel sighed, “Take me home.” Castiel just stared out the window without looking toward Dean. His actions were so cold toward him that Dean would have sold his soul to take away whatever pain Cas was feeling, but he also knew when to give up. Dean realized Cas was too upset to comfort.
There was a sound of Dean tousling with the keys in his hand and the metal clinking against the ignition. The boys felt a little shake from the engine roaring to life. Taking a moment, Dean sat there listening to the sound of Baby, as if she was attempting to comfort him, rubbing the outline of Cas’s pendent that he was wearing under his shirt. Clearing his throat, Dean pulled the gear shift into drive and they left the curb heading in the direction of the Novak residence.
“I just can’t believe this Dean”
“With her?”
“Screw you”
There was pain and grovel in Cas’s voice as he verbally went off on Dean. It was like something broke in Castiel and to the point where he wasn’t sure what Cas would do. Dean decided to stare straight into the night, trying to stay focused on the road. As he drove harder, Dean felt like he could disappear into the sound of the engine and the road and just forget about tonight and how angry Cas right now. This was a whole new side of Cas, the pain, anger, and tears in his voice. Cas’s voice slowly disappeared into the background of Dean’s mind, he focused hard on the road, he wasn’t listening to a word his friend was saying.
“You know what? Just take this, I’m done!!!!”
Whatever whipped passed Dean brought him out of his trance as it scratched his face and hit the windshield.
With one hand on the wheel and eyes on the road, Dean was able to use the other hand to catch whatever Cas threw at him midair as it started to fall toward the floorboard.
He pulled the item to his face to make out what it was and realized that in the palm of his hand was the amulet Sam had given him when they were kids. Dean gave it to Castiel as a gift this past Christmas.
“Enough!” Dean shouted out as he threw the amulet back toward Cas. “Are you going to let me talk now? I’m tired of not getting a word in,” Dean mustard out with tears in his voice.
“Dammit, Dean- “Cas started talking and was cut off.
“No, damn you, Castiel” Dean screamed back. Trying to keep the car from sliding around on the road, Dean kept his eyes on the road and not on Cas.
Dean started to try to explain what had happened. Why he was in such a position, why he even let Lisa corner him like that.
Cas was just too upset; he started to bang his fist on the dashboard of the car. After Dean yelled at him for abusing his car, Cas turned his attention to Dean, and started slugging him in the arm.
Left on hand on the wheel and the other arm preoccupied with blocking Castiel’s hits, Dean tried to get him under control, but horrifically failed. Baby was closing in on the intersection of O’Connell Road and E 23rd Street. The green light turned yellow, Dean was close enough to press down on the pedal and accelerated baby towards the deserted interaction. As Dean, Cas and Baby entered the point of no return, the light switched to red.
The sound of metal crushing caught Dean’s attention. Slowly turning his head toward the sound, Dean could see Castiel illuminated with the light behind him as his back was against the door. The light made Cas look like a shadow as he was violently pushed towards the driver’s side along with broken glass. Wide eyed, Dean could see not just his friend being thrown, but he saw the shattered glass we well. Dean turned his body and head to block the debris.
As the sounds of glass and metal embodied the cab of the Impala, Baby was now being pushed in the wrong direction. In fact, everything was going in the wrong direction. Still caught in the moment, Dean’s body slabbed against the driver’s door, and he could feel his window shatter. His body felt pressure from what felt like rolling. Still not making sense of what was happening, he felt cold snow hit his face, hitting and bouncing off everything in the car. The back seat, front seat, cassette tapes, school books, coffee cups, the amulet that Castiel threw at his face moments prior, all went rolling around with Dean like he as in a clothes dryer.
While his eyes were still closed, Baby and Dean along with everything else in the car, waywardly flipped down the road.
As the Impala came to a stand still, the night became almost silent once again. Full of twisted metal, scattered glass on the ground, steam hissing from damaged parts, the smell of burnt rubber gas and oil filled the cold night air as the parts from the site of impact to where Baby sat barely at a rumble on the small stretch of E 24rd street.
Realizing that his body was in pain, Dean tried to open his eyes and look around as the blaring of a truck horn was going off in the distance.
Blood dripped from Dean’s forehead, almost his entire face was covered in blood. A glimpse of green broke through the red, as Dean attempted to open his eyes. He tried to move and look around the car, but snapped back into his original position, after feeling a sudden pain in his neck. With one opened eye, Dean couldn’t recognize anything inside the damaged car.
“C…C…Cas,” Dean breathlessly got out with blood splattering out of his mouth.
He couldn’t move and just stared at the dimming lights of the console. The lights slowly dimmed in and out as if Baby herself was trying to stay conscious for Dean, so he wasn’t hurt and alone. As the hissing continued. Dean’s eye moved toward the radio, which was desperately hanging on to what little power it had left.
The low acoustic sound of guitar came through the radio.
“Faith has been broken, tears must be cried. Let’s do some living after die. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away”
Dean could barely make out the words but recognized the guitar. With ringing and blood filling his ears, Dean gave a painful smirk as a tear fell down his cheek. Drifting back out of consciousness, Dean leaned forward to rest his head on the steering wheel and closed his eyes.
TO BE CONINTUED…