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When it had just started, Jackson had been grateful of Jaebum and had been happy that he had someone there for him when things got rough.
The first time it had actually happened, Jackson had been alone, only just recently moved out to his new apartment and he'd really felt the quiet. It had been so silent and the apartment had seemed so big suddenly, and he'd been overwhelmed with everything happening around the group, writing for the new album, the choreography and pressure of always thinking, 'and what if we fail. what if i fail, what then?'
One minute he'd been organizing the items in one of the many boxes scattered atound, and the next he was crying and a bit hysterical, scared and so alone. He'd reached for his phone and dialed a number he knew by memory, fingers curled tightly around the device as the ringing dragged on for more than five seconds. He was crying a bit harder now, feet stomping in impatience.
"Jackson?" His voice was a bit distracted, but Jaebum had answered nevertheless.
Jackson sniffled in reply.
That seemed to grab Jaebum's attention, and after a bit of shuffling around his voice came clearer and concerned. "Are you alright? Why are you crying?"
"'S lonely here. And 'm tired and want hot chocolate and bath!" For a few seconds there was only silence on the other end, but then jaebum was sighing softly.
"You live alone now, of course it feels lonely. Go shower and then make yourself some hot chocolate and just relax, go to bed and leave the unpacking for tomorrow." Jaebum sounded amused and Jackson whined into the phone, stomping his feet again and huffing.
"No!" Jackson practically yelled and groaned as if to let Jaebum know he was annoyed.
"No?" Jaebum scoffed. "Then do whatever you want, just-"
Jackson cut him off and this time he sniffled again as he whined, "No, Jaebummie come."
Of all the things, Jaebum raised a brow and muttered, "Jaebummie?"
"Come here now. Make hot chocolate and bath."
"Uhm, no?" Jaebum sounded confused and Jackson blinked at the sudden blurriness that clouded his vision. "I'm serious though, are you okay?"
What dumb question? Of course he wasn't okay! His apartment was empty, he was tired and needed to be taken care of!
"Jaebummie come now. 'S lonely and- uhm feel sick." He scrunched his nose and Jaebum finally heard the way Jackson was slurring his words as he talked.
"You're just homesick, probably. It's usual to feel like so since you've been living with us for years, It'll be over before you know it, you just have to get used to living alone and away from me and the rest of the boys." Jaebum tried soothing him, but Jackson couldn't help but sniffle again, large droplets of tears running down his cheeks, his hands scrubbing them away quickly.
"One time only." He had to admit he sounded rather sad, Jaebum would later point out he sounded pitiful.
"One time only what?" Was he deliberately acting like he didn't understand or was he seriously unaware of Jackson having a breakdown.
"Come?" The defeated way he said it made Jaebum sigh and after a few seconds he was making a noise of agreement.
"Okay," He said it softly and the tone of his voice made Jackson grin. "I'm at my studio, give me an hour or so and I'll be there."
Jackson nodded even if Jaebum couldn't see him doing so. "Yes, bye Jaebummie! Do not be late, okay?"
Jaebum agreed even if after he'd hung up he spoke into the otherwise silent room, "Late? We didn't even set up a time."
Anyway, to make this long story short, Jaebum had gotten there fourty minutes later, letting himself into the apartment with the key code Jackson had given him and the other 5 members, for emergencies or whatever. Jackson had been in his room, sitting on the bare mattress looking at his hands. Jaebum had called his name softly to grab his attention and Jackson had jumped up and all but ran to him, hugging him and rubbing himself against Jaebum's chest, sniffling and mumbling incoherently.
Jaebum had patted his back lightly and hugged him back while waiting for him to calm down. He had, eventually and even if he hadn't spoken much afterward, Jaebum had handled him with a gentle patience, making him the hot chocolate he asked for quietly, Jackson right by him at all times, fingers clinging to the hem of Jaebum's shirt. Jaebum had waited for him to finish the drink and afterwards he'd gone off to the bathroom to get the water in the tub running for Jackson's bath. He'd done it a bit on instinct, not really thinking twice about it as he opened the cardboard box shoved off to the side with all the toiletries and Jackson's soaps and shampoo's. He'd poured some into the water and swished his hand around to make bubbles before leaving the faucet running so the tub would fill.
Jackson had been in the living room where he had left him, his mug empty and his eyes droopy. Jaebum had told him to go have his bath, and his brain had short circuited when Jackson pulled him along, leading him into the bathroom where he began undressing like it was the most normal thing in the world. Jaebum had tried to leave, but he'd whined and blocked the exit while huffing petulantly.
The only thing he'd said was, "Jaebum stay." and then he'd taken off his pants and underwear before stepping into the tub, Jaebum snapping out of it as he stepped forward and leant in, his hand reaching out to turn off the water. It had been silent then, just their breathing and the water splashing around when Jackson moved or a sigh when Jaebum sat on the ground and tried not looking anywhere near Jackson.
He'd finally been able to leave after a few long minutes, using the excuse of going to look for some clothes for Jackson to change into after his bath. Jaebum had sighed and suddenly he was also extremely tired, he didn't really do much, but all he wanted was to go home and sleep. He actually did grab Jackson a change of clothes, rummaging through the boxes in his bedroom until he found some underwear, a shirt and some sweatpants.
He waited for a while, sitting on the edge of the mattress, fiddling with his phone, texting Mark and Youngjae back to let them know hed be gone until the next morning, ignoring their questions afterwards. It was only a few minutes after he'd sent the texts that he'd heard Jackson calling for him and Jaebum had grabbed the clothes and a clean towel he'd also taken out, heading to the bathroom where Jackson was standing in the middle of the tub, soap bubbles littering his skin. Jaebum had almost crashed into the wall when he stepped into the small room and turmed around quickly to head back out, shoulder knocking into the wall and his hands dropping the clothes in surprise.
He really doesn't know how exactly, but next thing he knew he was unplugging the tub to let the water out, turning on the showerhead instead and making Jackson clean himself up, sighing when the younger man ducked his head to let him lather his hair in shampoo, Jackson giggling when Jaebum pulled away and his hands were soapy and his shirt absolutely soaked. Jaebum really had to keep his eyes from straying anywhere else, turning away to wash the soap off in the sink.
Jackson had finally deemed himself done and had stepped out of the tub, dripping water all over the floor before Jaebum was handing him the towel. He'd dried himself and only made Jaebum dry his hair with it after he'd gotten dressed.
Jaebum had struggled to get him to go to sleep after that, but after he'd grabbed himself a shirt and some sweats from Jackson's packed clothes and had then lied down beside him, Jackson had curled up against his side and promptly fallen asleep minutes later.
The next day, Jackson had been tired and grumpy the entire day, making Jaebum worry about him as he didn't want to leave the bed or wake up for more than a few minutes before he was back to sleeping. He'd finally woken completely around 8PM, stretching with a long whine until Jaebum was forcing him to get up and eat. Jaebum had wanted to bring up the previous night, but Jackson had seemed to be avoiding the subject, and Jaebum really didn't want to embarrass him, or himself, so he didnt mention it. He got a shy thank you, though, when he left two hours after Jackson had woken up and had a meal.
--
It had happened a few times after that, sometimes during the day or sometimes at night, but somehow Jaebum was always there and when he couldn't be, he was on the phone, guiding Jackson around until he was in bed asleep and his phone died while on facetime with Jaebum. Slowly, Jaebum knew what Jackson always needed, had even done research and found out what it was. Headspace? Subspace? Age regression? A bit of the three.
Jackson needed him to take care of him, wanted him around to feel safe and needed him to softly guide him so he could stay grounded and not feel overwhelmed with what was going on in his head, forget his thoughts and feelings that had made him drop so suddenly in the first place.
Afterwards, they never brought it up, and for a while, Jaebum had thought they didn't need to. He'd had the mentality of, 'we know what we're doing so do we have to bring it up?' and he'd thought the answer was, 'no they didn't'. He was wrong and looking back, he was irresponsible as well. Being a caregiver was a big responsibility and even though he loved doing this for Jackson, Jackson probably didn't know he did. It was the same thing with him, he felt like he was doing a good job taking care of the younger, but did Jackson think he was doing as well as he thought himself to be doing?
Communication was key in everything, Jaebum had failed Jackson in that aspect.
--
"Are you feeling better?" Jaebum's voice was barley a whisper and his hand was extremely gentle in it's caressing of Jackson's cheek.
Jackson burrowed himself further into the blankets, nodding and sniffling as he pressed himself closer to Jaebum. He looked so exhausted, he had dark eyebags from the lack of sleep and from the stress that had sat on his shoulders. He looked pitiful and Jaebum had to swallow against the lump that formed in his throat.
"Silly boy." He finally whispered out and Jackson pouted and hid his face, his shoulders shaking as Jaebum pulled him even closer, dragging him up until he was lying on top of him. "Silly, stupid, dumb boy. You have to always call hyung. Always Jaebummie, don't you already know?"
This time the one that sniffled was Jaebum, he pushed himself up until he was sitting down, Jackson's legs on either side of his hips. He hid his face into Jackson's shoulder and let go of his frustration. Jackson made a noise of alarm when Jaebum's shoulders began shaking, his sniffles muffled and cries silent.
"Hyung, no! Don't cry, I'm okay!"
"Now," Jaebum croacked out, sniffling as he sat up straighter to look at Jackson. "Now you're okay, but what about this morning? Or yesterday or the night before that?"
Jackson looked at him and quietly wiped at his face to rid him of the tears. Jaebum looked guilty, like he felt this was his fault, and that was something Jackson never wanted him to feel. This was Jackson's fault, not his, why didn't he understand?
"But that's not your fault! Jaebummie is kind and takes good care of me all the time. When i drop or when I'm normal me. Hyung doesn't need to blame himself, does Jaebummie not understand?" Jackson looked determined to make him understand, but Jaebum shook his head.
"It is my fault. I always stress about making sure you're okay, comfortable and happy, but I've never asked more questions. Never asked how you feel afterwards, how well i took care of you, if i missed something or did something wrong or that you didn't like." He stressed and the look on his face let Jackson know how bothered he really was by this. "I never took the time to talk things over with you, to ask questions and get answers about what more you need that i can give you, how much more i can help. If you're happy, satisfied with the things i do or if I'm lacking in any way."
"But you've given me everything i can possibly need, Jaebum."
"Have I?" Jaebum really looked doubtful, pleading him for answers. Why hadn't he called this time? Why make himself suffer by doing this alone? "I've never told you a lot of things. I've never let you know how happy it makes me to be able to take care of you like this. How grateful I am that you chose me as your safety net, someone you trust so much that you trusted with this. I've not let you know I love looking after you, in your headspace or out of it. Or how-" Jaebum paused and looked him in the eyes, so honest and full of determination.
Jaebum really was tired of not communicating. "Or how much i honestly, truly adore you. How much I treasure our moments together, how much i love being with you, how much i just love you. Being around you."
Jackson blinked rapidly and Jaebum sighed, his fingers stroking Jackson's cheeks so softly the touch was practically nonexistent. "I... oh."
"Do you get it now?" Jaebum asked him and all Jackson could do was nod silently. "You never have to think i don't like taking care of you. Never think you're a burden to me, Jackson Wang."
"Jaebum hyung?" Jackson whispered and his fingers lightly touched Jaebum's, closing his eyes as he felt Jaebum take a hold of his hand. "I love Jaebummie too, okay?"
Jaebum didnt respond, but when Jackson opened his eyes he was greeted with his smile. "Okay."
Jackson sighed and tightened his hold on Jaebum's hand. "I think we have some talking to do."
"No kidding." Jaebum nodded and squeezed his hand back
And so they talked. It was a long conversation full of questions and answers and more questions. Jaebum's kept coming one after another, if this was okay if he was comfortable with this if he wasn't with that. And finally Jackson asked his own questions and Jaebum answered them all, saying this is okay, i love doing this, we haven't done that.
The last thing they talked about was Jackson and when he drops, what makes it happen apart from stress. Jaebum listened attentively, keeping everything in mind.
They finally talked. It lifted weights off both of their shoulders finally knowing how each other felt. Communication was everything even about the smallest things that one moment seemed unimportant or unnecessary to talk about. Just knowing and communicating.
They both understood that now.