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The orphanage out in all this rural farmland is lovingly-kept, but it is still clearly run-down and in need of help. The broad, simply painted strokes of the characters on the sign are peeling off, leaving it barely legible. It’d be impossible to see this place in the full dark; Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are here right as the sun is setting. There is an ugly patched slab of wood on top of what must have been a hole in the step that still groans as Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian trod upon it. The love comes in terms of the flowers draped across nails sticking out of the worn-down sign, illuminated by strings of warm, golden light that blink like fireflies. Lanterns are kept out front, giving the place a warm glow, even though it’d still be near invisible on the night road.
Luckily, Lan Wangji has Wei Wuxian to lead him home. Or, well, to wherever they’re staying the night, Wei Wuxian has kept that little fact to himself. Lan Wangji would be worried, but he is a man perfectly capable of meditating all night in the driver’s seat of his luxury car while Wei Wuxian sleeps in the back, so he’s not too concerned. He trusts Wei Wuxian to have a little surprise for him, though he doesn’t know if he’ll like it. If it makes Wei Wuxian happy, he’ll like it. Wei Wuxian holds his hand as he leads Lan Wangji through the flower-decorated front entrance of the orphanage simply titled Dandelion Orphanage. Lan Wangji thinks there is an orphanage in the Cloud Recesses, something titled Orchid Orphanage , and it is a very clean and streamlined white mansion of a building run by generous donations from the Lan family. The difference between that place and this one, where Wei Wuxian grew up, makes his chest tight.
“Lan Zhan, look!” Wei Wuxian tugs at Lan Wangji’s hand.
A horde of children run up to Wei Wuxian, hugging his legs tight, their small bodies squeezing him for all they’re worth. They approach Lan Wangji with caution; they are probably used to Lan men being here for...different reasons. Lan Wangji knows he has the Lan look about him. He is in spotless white, kept clean by various cultivational charms sewn into the inner lining of his clothing. His white oxfords gleam with money, and his white blazer, button-down, slacks, and vest combination all aren’t quite a suit to anyone who knows better, but children don’t. And Lan Wangji knows his face, his flat affect showing no emotion despite how strongly Lan Wangji can feel . He looks like a threat.
The children cling to Wei Wuxian and tug him away from Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian, oblivious, thinking that they’re just playing a game, follows along and trots to where a threadbare couch awaits in the room behind the front desk. The room is full of toys scattered everywhere, various woven rugs with sole-worn holes covering the floor, protecting the children from the rough floorboards’ splinters. This place must truly be ancient. The rugs must have once been a stunningly bright color, though, and the room has many strings of firefly lights that make it comfortable and warm, along with various tall mismatching lamps and, of course, flowers and dandelions hanging from the lights.
The old married couple who seem to run this place curl against one another behind the front desk, whispering to each other. The both of them are women like the both of us are men. Except, Wei Ying will never love me like that. It is only pretend. Lan Wangji is here because Wei Wuxian suggested that they spend bonding time as “cultivation partners” as they’ve been assigned for a semester. Lan Wangji could never refuse Wei Wuxian anything, and this place--the place where Wei Wuxian spent some of his childhood--was clearly important to him, and Lan Wangji wanted to share in that, not to reject it, but...he should’ve rejected it.
“You’re here to steal the children.” The woman with the wildflower in her hair clenches her fist so hard it shakes.
“I am not here on family business,” Lan Wangji says.
The woman with the painted red nails says, “I didn’t think A-Xian was close to any Lans.”
“You do know he studies at the Cloud Recesses?”
“Many people study at the university.” The wildflower woman narrows her eyes. “He doesn’t need to get close to any Lans.”
“If you want me to leave, I will leave.”
“Then--” the wildflower woman starts.
“Lan Zhan! Come here! A-Yuan wants to meet you!” Wei Wuxian smile is beaming.
The red-nailed woman wraps a hand around the wildflower woman’s shaking fist and kisses it. “He hasn’t done anything wrong yet, and he’s friends with A-Xian. A-Xian wouldn’t let a bad man hurt any of us.”
“I know,” the wildflower woman wilts.
The red-nailed woman looks up at Lan Wangji. “And you aren’t a bad man, are you?”
“I am not,” Lan Wangji says and desperately wishes he had the words to soothe these women’s fears.
“Lan Zhan!”
Lan Wangji goes to Wei Wuxian’s side. The other children have dispersed, nearby in the room but distracted by other toys scattered all around the floor. One young boy, this A-Yuan, grips Wei Wuxian’s finger with his fist. Wei Wuxian tickles A-Yuan under the arms, and the little boy giggles and changes his grip to Wei Wuxian’s shirt. He looks up at Lan Wangji, and then he quickly looks away, pressing his face to Wei Wuxian’s shirt and turning away from Lan Wangji.
“A-Yuan! Why are you hiding! This is Lan Zhan, my cultivation partner!”
Lan Wangji’s ears blush. How he can say that so shamelessly, Lan Wangji will never know. But Lan Wangji takes pride in being Wei Wuxian’s cultivation partner, even if it is just pretend.
A-Yuan says, “Rich men bad men.”
Wei Wuxian laughs. “Well, you’re not wrong, A-Yuan, but this one’s a good man! He’s the best man I know!”
Wei Wuxian reaches out for Lan Wangji’s hand, and Lan Wangji immediately gives it to him, lacing their fingers together with new familiarity. It feels good to be holding Wei Wuxian’s hand, as always, as ever, pretending this will last. Wei Wuxian’s hand is sticky with sweat and very warm--Wei Wuxian always runs hot--but it feels good and precious in Lan Wangji’s hand. It feels right.
A-Yuan peeks away from Wei Wuxian’s shirt.
Lan Wangji remembers a toy that he’d purchased when Wei Wuxian had first texted him about going to the orphanage this Saturday. It’s a plush butterfly toy with long ribbons. Lan Wangji sewed a cultivation charm inside of it. The colors of the butterfly plush aren’t charged with any sect tension, being composed of a rainbow in perfect ratio. Lan Wangji had been specific not to get a toy that had Lan branding on it. It was harder than he had thought. Even if Wei Wuxian doesn’t think about such things, I must. Wei Wuxian thinks he’s just bringing a friend to the orphanage he grew up in. He’s not thinking about the way that this orphanage sits on the borderlands between Gusu and Yunmeng, and in recent years, in show of alliance, Yunmeng has given this (worthless) strip of farmland to GusuLan. Wei Wuxian isn’t thinking about how many visits white-suited Lans have visited in their expensive clothing with demands the orphanage can’t meet in order to try to seize the land under Lan control.
There’s a thin line between knowing that the Lans likely intended to pour money into this place to make it another Orchid Orphanage and knowing that in order to do that, they’d have to take it away from someone first. Lans want to do good. But they want to do good under their rules. Lan Wangji knows; he is one of them.
Lan Wangji gives the toy to A-Yuan, whose eyes light up upon seeing a shiny new toy. Lan Wangji has no idea how to gauge the ages of children, and he doesn’t know it if it is rude to ask, so he doesn’t. A-Yuan is small and round-eyed, his eyes as dark as Wei Wuxians, although not half as mischievous. He still has chubby limbs, but he looks like he’s able to walk and talk.
“Try throwing it,” Lan Wangji says in his softest voice.
Wei Wuxian looks up at him. Lan Wangji meets his gentle gaze, and Lan Wangji nods because he doesn’t know how to smile. Wei Wuxian does, though, and he grins back at him, taking his hand and squeezing it. He has no idea how precious these moments are to me . And how awful I’ll be when I have to lose them . Clueless, clever Wei Wuxian twines their fingers together and laughs as A-Yuan throws the butterfly and it soars . The rainbow ribbons ripple behind it. A-Yuan giggles and points, spit bubbling in his mouth. Wei Wuxian lightly grabs him and wipes his mouth for him. A-Yuan runs to get the butterfly again, and throw it again, and again, and again.
“How did you make something like that, Lan Zhan!”
“Sewed a small charm into it.”
“I didn’t know you could so! Lan Zhan is so talented.” Wei Wuxian wiggles his eyebrows in an incomprehensible gesture.
Lan Wangji wants to kiss him. Instead he just says, “Mn.”
Together, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji move to sit on the threadbare couch and watch A-Yuan play with the butterfly for a while, Wei Wuxian still holding onto Lan Wangji’s hand. A-Yuan finds a thousand different ways to throw the butterfly and watch it float through the air, riding invisible wind currents. The neutrality of the rainbow was a good choice, and Lan Wangji sighs in relief at it. He notices that the other toys have Yunmeng purple, although most of the color is aged out or chipped on the toys at their current age. None of them are new, then, except for this one.
“Rich-gege is good!” A-Yuan says, coming back to Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji.
A-Yuan climbs into Lan Wangji’s lap, sticking his legs straight out and gripping onto Lan Wangji’s shirt with one hand and the butterfly with the other hand. He has a small line of spit dripping down his chin.
“A-Yuan needs to take better care of himself,” Wei Wuxian laughs as he wipes A-Yuan’s mouth again.
“Rich-gege will take care of me!”
Wei Wuxian holds a hand to his heart, as though hurt. “What about me?”
A-Yuan sniffs. “Poor-gege can take care of me, too.”
Wei Wuxian howls in laughter. “Why am I poor-gege? I was a young master, too, you know! Back in my day!”
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says fondly.
“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian grins at him.
They gaze at each other. Lan Wangji hopes the gaze of his golden eyes is as warm and loving as the lights in this orphanage because Wei Wuxian’s eyes are as delighted a dark as he’s ever seen.
“Poor-gege,” A-Yuan says. “I want to play at Poor-gege’s house.”
“Haha, okay, okay,” Wei Wuxian says.
“You have a house here?” Lan Wangji says, eyes widening a fraction.
“Just a small one! It was really cheap! They don’t have hotels or anything here, and I always take the train and then walk ‘cause I can’t drive--really super hard to pay attention to the roads and the cars and the signs and the mirrors, god, so many mirrors-- so I just slept outside until one of the farmers said--well, he said he’d sell to anyone, as long as it wasn’t GusuLan, haha, I don’t know why, you guys are so good! And I’m sure you could’ve offered a better price than I could’ve, but I paid him everything that I’d left Yunmeng with, and now I have a house!”
“Is that where you wanted to stay the night?”
“Yes! Now we can spend the night with A-Yuan if the Aunties here will let us take him. Aunties! Is it okay if A-Yuan spends the night at my house?”
The wildflower woman narrows her eyes at Lan Wangji, but the red-nailed woman gently smacks her hand, pets her hair, and nods at Wei Wuxian. “Of course, A-Xian. Just bring him back in the morning.”
“Thank you!” Wei Wuxian lets go of Lan Wangji’s hand to hug the women.
They hug him back, tightly, like loving mothers would. Then they let him go.
After that, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji leave the orphanage.
“I live really close, we can just walk!” Wei Wuxian says.
So they walk. The farmland is full of marshy ground and high grasses, which makes Lan Wangji glad for his cleaning charms. They try to keep to the road, but it’s not much of a road. There isn’t a lot around here, mostly farmland and the lonely house here or there. There are no houses nearby, though, as far as Lan Wangji can see, but maybe he is missing something. The “road” is a walkable path, but the tall grasses would’ve made it impossible to drive on, at least without a car made for off-road use, which his luxury Cadillac was not. In fact, Lan Wangji is a little surprised the Cadillac even made it up here.
Fifteen minutes later, there is no house in sight.
“Close?” Lan Wangji says, wishing he could raise an eyebrow.
“Or, well, maybe it’s not that close, but I don’t think your car can make it over these roads anyway. I wouldn’t want to ruin your nice, expensive car!”
A-Yuan splashes in the rain puddles in the dirt, getting Wei Wuxian’s clothes dirty with mud. Wei Wuxian just laughs. He’s wearing black jeans with (supposedly stylish, Lan Xichen tells him) holes in them, and a black long-sleeve shirt with red sleeves and collar. The mud hardly shows up on the black, but Lan Wangji wants to go into Wei Wuxian’s home and wash it for him. By hand. Just to be sure it doesn’t stain. Even though Lan Wangji knows charms that would do the same.
Lan Wangji doesn’t know what’s gotten into him, except it’s probably the same thing as it always is, which is that he’s in love with Wei Wuxian.
A-Yuan professes being tired of walking, a splash of mud on his face, and Wei Wuxian licks his thumb and wipes it off of A-Yuan’s cheek. Then, he picks up A-Yuan and carries him on his hip. Wei Wuxian gently bounces A-Yuan until he falls asleep, and by the time he closes his eyes, resting his head against Wei Wuxian’s shoulder, they’re there. Wei Wuxian stops in front of it and points. Even if Wei Wuxian hadn’t pointed, Lan Wangji probably could’ve guessed it was his house by the still-fresh crimson paint all over it.
“I painted it last summer, doesn’t it look nice, Lan Zhan! Maybe you can help me touch it up when the weather gets nicer.” It is March, and still a bit chilly, if not snowy.
“Looks like Wei Ying.”
Wei Wuxian bows and extends one arm that was not holding A-Yuan. “Thank you, thank you. Look, A-Yuan, we’re here!”
A-Yuan walks on the ground again, holding Wei Wuxian’s hand, and they all go inside. It is a mess, but not a horrible one. There are no food-crusted or coffee-stained mugs anywhere, even if there are various papers and components of...inventions? That seem to be scattered everywhere. A-Yuan climbs up a dining room chair and then onto the table, and immediately puts the stick end of a half-painted spirit-repelling flag into his mouth. Something looks off about the pattern, but just as Lan Wangji tries to place what, Wei Wuxian slaps it out of A-Yuan’s mouth and shoves it underneath some papers.
“Haha, don’t look at that, it’s nothing. Also A-Yuan! Don’t be a bad boy! I told you not to eat anything here! It’s dangerous.” Wei Wuxian boops A-Yuan on the nose.
A-Yuan giggles and grabs at Wei Wuxian’s fingers. “Play house.”
“You’ve built a playhouse?” Lan Wangji says. He looks for it. The entire house is a bit small for that.
Wei Wuxian shakes his head. “Oh, no, I don’t have the room for that, but he wants to play the game, ‘house’!”
Lan Wangji blinks. “What is ‘house’?”
Wei Wuxian gasps. “You’ve never played house?”
“No.”
“Wow! We have to play it right now! I’ll be the dad. And...well, Hanguang-Jun, you can be the other dad.”
Lan Wangji is lost. “Two dads?”
“Two dads! A-Yuan has two moms at the orphanage. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be raised by a mom and a dad. So to make it make sense for him, we have to be two dads, you know!”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji likes this game a lot.
“If...you’re okay with it, of course. Haha. If you think it’s weird, we don’t have to play.”
“No, want to play.” Lan Wangji nods fervently.
“Good!” Wei Wuxian places their palms together, lining up their fingers before twining them together. He gets a sly look on his face. “Now, husband , help with dinner while I keep A-Yuan busy so he doesn’t swallow any important parts of Daddy’s work!”
Lan Wangji feels like his heart is going to stop. He can feel his ears blushing, and he tightens his grip on Wei Wuxian’s hand. Wei Wuxian smiles, smaller this time, and more intimate, and he presses their joined hands to his cheek, rubbing his face on them, and then he lets go. A crash sounds as A-Yuan runs into another pile of Wei Wuxian’s inventions, and then Wei Wuxian chases A-Yuan around the small house. Lan Wangji looks at the pot, looks at the pantry, and then he starts making congee.
The house is furnished with small touches of Yunmeng, like one Yunmeng bell hanging above the countertops, embellished with what must be his Shijie’s gentle touch in the form of an additional lavender ribbon with a pearl on the end of it next to the tassel. The Yunmeng lotus also hangs from some of the walls in framed prints on expensive, ridged paper. Ink paintings of water lotuses hang from the walls in traditional scrolls, too. The cabinet is full of spices and dried herbs imported from Yunmeng, stuff that harder to come by in Gusu what with GusuLan’s milder palate.
Lan Wangji doesn’t use anything he doesn’t know, but he cooks the rice in canned chicken broth to which he adds slices of ginger, an onion, garlic powder, and white pepper. He is stirring the pot when Wei Wuxian walks up behind him, putting his hands on Lan Wangji’s shoulders. The warm breath from his nose skims Lan Wangji’s neck, tickling him. Wei Wuxian moves his hands from on top of Lan Wangji’s shoulders to hugging him around his waist. Lan Wangji can feel him breathe.
Lan Wangji’s heart is soaring. This level of sweet, gentle domesticity is just a dream. He couldn’t have imagined that Wei Wuxian would’ve ever wanted something like this with him. That he’d ever be interested in a life as his husband . Lan Wangji also didn’t know he wanted a life like this, making dinner while the little one is making mischief like his father, like Lan Wangji’s husband . But Lan Wangji would want any kind of life if it meant being with Wei Wuxian. He just thought he never could have it.
Lan Wangji doesn’t deserve it. What he deserves is to be punished.
“Come play with me and A-Yuan,” Wei Wuxian whispers.
“Mn,” Lan Wangji says, ears heating.
They go out into the garden to play, A-Yuan sitting in the dirt. Wei Wuxian also sits in the dirt. Lan Wangji, too, sits in the dirt, not concerned about his white clothes because of the strength of their charms. The vegetable garden is just a big patch of dirt with rows in it where vegetables will one day be, if Wei Wuxian decides to live here in the future. The farm proper is behind the house, but this is just probably what Wei Wuxian decided he needed for himself alone. This place is more like a rural village than the industrialized farms of the modern day. There are still some pockets like that in the country, where people go to be left alone or pretend that the world outside has stopped moving. Lan Wangji hadn’t thought that Wei Wuxian was one of the people that wanted to get away from the world.
Wei Wuxian has excelled at moving through the world, skilled at whatever he puts his mind to, although the only thing he seems to be putting his mind to right now is charming Lan Wangji. (He is succeeding.) But Lan Wangji has wanted to be alone and away during times in his life. Well, wanting to be alone...was less of a want and more of a truth about his life. It didn’t matter what he wanted, he was alone. But even if he was alone, traveling through forest and mountain and country and finding places plagued by spirits and ghosts and helping the people there as a roaming cultivator, that was fulfilling. Except, now, he thinks about doing it with Wei Wuxian as his husband. Wei Wuxian beside him at every step of the way, warm in his bed, laughing at his dinner table, walking hand in hand.
It would be perfect.
Lan Wangji doesn’t deserve it.
“Do you plant anything here?” Lan Wangji says, to distract himself. He palms the dry dirt.
Wei Wuxian begins digging a hole.
A-Yuan looks at him and also begins digging a hole.
The hole deepens. “Oh, I try planting a few vegetables every summer. I’m getting better at it! Learning tricks from the neighbors. My nearest neighbors up the hill, Wen Qing and Wen Ning--they’re Wens, but they’re, like, Not Evil--have given me advice on how to survive out here and keep my plants alive.”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji combs his fingers through the dirt.
The hole is getting quite large. “They’ve shared their food with me in return for me helping Wen Ning with his archery. Thank god we still play with shooting kites down with bows and arrows back in Yunmeng! I don’t know if Wen Ning is a cultivator or if he just likes it. His bow isn’t a spiritual weapon, at least not the one he uses around me. And Wen Qing is a doctor. They’re siblings.”
“Have the Wens stopped enlisting their young adults?”
Wei Wuxian’s face goes still. He stops digging. “No, and I haven’t asked why Wen Ning managed to avoid it. Wen Qing, as what I hear is an incredible doctor, has some clout. She probably paid some price to make sure that Wen Ning would be safe from that. Probably the same price that led them here, in what I’m guessing is exile. Although I don’t doubt that the Wens know exactly where they are at all times, and still probably call on Wen Qing to do her doctor thing.”
Lan Wangji helps Wei Wuxian dig. “Mn.”
Wei Wuxian smiles at him and starts digging again. “They’re good people, though. It’s not their fault they were born into the Wens. They’re part of an offshoot branch, not the main family. They don’t have much to do with the main family business. Wen Qing went to medical school and everything, although probably on blood money.”
Lan Wangji is quiet. He just keeps digging. The hole is getting quite deep. “The same could be said of you and me.”
“Haha, yeah. You’re right, I just don’t like to think about it.” Wei Wuxian shakes off his hands and then pats the ground beside him. “Come here, A-Yuan.”
A-Yuan stops digging his small hole and toddles over to Wei Wuxian, smiling at him with his big eyes. Wei Wuxian gives Lan Wangji a mischievous grin, and then he picks A-Yuan up under the arms and puts him in the hole they dug together. Then, Wei Wuxian starts planting A-Yuan. He packs the dirt back in around A-Yuan, who is looking confusedly around him as he becomes planted like a radish. The dirt covers him up until only his head and the tops of his shoulders peek out of the ground. A-Yuan frowns.
“Hahaha! He’s planted, like a radish!”
Lan Wangji smiles. Same thought. “Foolish.”
“Are you smiling, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian bursts into laughter.
“You are smiling, too,” Lan Wangji admonishes.
Wei Wuxian rubs A-Yuan’s head. “Of course I am! I’m proud of my radish son!”
“Radish son wants to come out of the ground now,” A-Yuan says, pulling a face.
Wei Wuxian tugs on A-Yuan’s cheeks and blows a raspberry, and then A-Yuan laughs, his small face brightening. Wei Wuxian wiggles his hands underneath A-Yuan’s shoulders, and then he unplants him. A-Yuan is giggling and clinging to Wei Wuxian’s shoulder. Wei Wuxian will make a good father someday. Lan Wangji only hopes that he’ll be able to see it. Even if Wei Wuxian meets someone else, has a family with someone else, Lan Wangji will always remember this. He and Wei Wuxian and their little one in a game of make-pretend house that is far, far too real for Lan Wangji.
They all go inside.
“I’m going to bathe A-Yuan now!” Wei Wuxian says, running up the stairs with a child in his arms.
After washing his hands thoroughly with dish soap, Lan Wangji tends to the congee, stirring it slowly. It has thickened, and it is aromatic and creamy, smelling better than he thought canned chicken stock would. The rice has puffed up and softened, and the stock has reduced down. The slightly off-white grains of rice look as though they’d taste very good. Lan Wangji tries it. It is not quite the consistency that he would like it to be, not yet smooth or creamy enough. It needs to cook down just a little bit longer, and then the texture will be perfect.
Lan Wangji thinks of the impossible future. He and Wei Wuxian will never be together in any capacity probably because the universe can’t possibly allow something so good to happen to Lan Wangji when he hasn’t done anything to make himself worthy of it. Lan Wangji doesn’t know why, but he thinks of the world in terms of what he deserves, what he’s earned, and how he needs to be punished. Lan Wangji has always had a strong sense of self-discipline. It’s the only way he learned to make sense of the world. It took him a long time, but he eventually learned that even 3000 rules can’t tell him what he needs to be doing and who he needs to be. Only he can decide that for himself.
And he’s judged himself unworthy.
He doesn’t know what it would feel like to be worthy, but he thinks he’d know what it’d be like if he was. It feels like something inherent, something known in the deepest parts of oneself. And in the deepest parts of himself, Lan Wangji has judged himself far from it.
That’s not even to mention the aspect of them both being men. It is not wrong for a man to love men, but it is wrong for Lan Wangji to love men. Lan Wangji also can’t explain this; it is just true. Lan Wangji doesn’t deserve to be happy; this includes loving men. Not to mention the way Lan Qiren--more a father to him than his own father--would look at him if he knew. So it’s better he doesn’t know. It’s better he doesn’t ever know. The disappointment that once would’ve shattered Lan Wangji wouldn’t hit him as hard now, when he no longer has to face Lan Qiren every day in his own family home, but to be rejected by his own father figure would hurt. He looks up to Lan Qiren.
Lan Qiren, if he knew, would look down on him.
Lan Wangji stops stirring the congee. He tastes it--perfect.
Wei Wuxian appears behind him, breath on the nape of Lan Wangji’s neck. Lan Wangji can feel Wei Wuxian’s warm, damp body behind him in what feels against his back like a plush bathrobe. If Lan Wangji weren’t feeling the way he was, he’d probably be blushing. Wei Wuxian’s wet hair hits Lan Wangji’s back, dripping against Lan Wangji’s blazer in ropes. Apparently, Wei Wuxian had bathed along with A-Yuan. He smells like cinnamon and brown sugar. Lan Wangji wants him so bad it’s like a punch to the gut. He’s shaking.
“Lan Zhan, what’s wrong?”
“The congee isn’t done yet,” Lan Wangji lies, for the first time in his life.
Wei Wuxian moves around to face him, his arms still around Lan Wangji’s waist. “That’s not why you’re upset.”
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says, voice choked up.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian laughs. “Are you that unhappy with me?”
“No!” Lan Wangji holds Wei Wuxian to him, not allowing him to go.
Wei Wuxian laughs softly. “Then why are you unhappy? If even I can tell, you must be really, really unhappy.”
With Wei Wuxian finally in his arms, Lan Wangji should be ecstatic. He shouldn’t be anything but the most brilliantly burning star. But all he can think about is how he’ll punish himself when he gets back home. Hours in the cold spring, hours kneeling in repentance, hours copying Righteousness and Restraint, though he knows them by heart. All of it is just a raindrop compared to the ocean he needs before he even comes close to deserving Wei Wuxian. What will it take before I deserve to be happy? More than I can give.
Wei Wuxian presses his head to Lan Wangji’s shoulder. Lan Wangji pulls off his ribbon, releasing his hair, which cascades over his shoulders down to his hips. Lan Wangji threads hsi fingers through it and pretends Wei Wuxian is his. He pretends this is another world, where Lan Wangji has done enough good to ever deserve someone as warm and joyous and delightful as Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji is a cold man. He always has been. That’s how he’s been able to do what needs to be done for the Lan clan. That’s how he’s been able to punish himself for his misdeeds.
Inside his mind, he smiles wryly. Is it such a wrong to love him?
Except, he knows it is. It wouldn’t be for anyone else. Just him.
“Lan Zhan, tell me what’s wrong. Tell your husband what’s wrong.”
And because Wei Wuxian is his husband for today, Lan Wangji does. “This is too good.”
Wei Wuxian looks at Lan Wangji, tipping his head the slight distance to meet Lan Wangji’s eyes. They really are of a height. “Huh? What is? The congee?”
Lan Wangji slow-blinks at him. “You are.”
Wei Wuxian points to himself. “I am?”
Lan Wangji slow-blinks again. “You are.”
Wei Wuxian laughs, smacking him lightly. “Lan Zhan, I’m not good at all! I even got expelled for being such a bad guy! Your uncle hates me!”
Lan Wangji gazes into Wei Wuxian’s eyes intensely. “Not bad. With me, like this, not bad ever.”
“Oh. Oh.” Wei Wuxian’s voice is small. “I am so happy with you, Lan Zhan. With you and our little one. I wish...I wish this...I want this.”
Wei Wuxian is gripping him tightly, fingers clenched in Lan Wangji’s blazer, pressing the length of his body against Lan Wangji, as if he’ll vanish, like he’s too good to be true. You are the one who is too good for me. Wei Wuxian looks up at him with uncertain, dark eyes that search his face, moving back and forth over his features. Lan Wangji doesn’t know what he’s looking for, but he has a feeling Wei Wuxian doesn’t find it, doesn’t know how to read him as deep as his brother can, so he curls his fist tighter into Lan Wangji’s clothing, swallowing his nerves.
Lan Wangji, buying time, turns off the burner with a click that sounds in the silence.
You are a fickle man. You want it right now, but you won’t want it later. But Lan Wangji is honest, more honest than he has any right to be, when he says, “I do, too.”
Wei Wuxian slowly cups Lan Wangji’s face. Lan Wangji has a thousand years to move, to reject him, but because he is weak, he doesn’t. Lan Wangji just closes his eyes and lets Wei Wuxian press his lips against Lan Wangji’s own. The touch is small and tentative, but Lan Wangji fists a hand in the back of Wei Wuxian’s shirt and presses him close, kissing him full on the mouth, meaning every moment of it, in a way he hopes is unforgettable. Because Wei Wuxian will lose interest in him someday, and probably someday soon, the way he loses interest in all things. Lan Wangji doesn’t need to look any further than the dining table to see at least three abandoned projects.
Wei Wuxian will probably abandon him, too, once the semester’s over. Lan Wangji’s heart stings. But he kisses Wei Wuxian with everything that he’s got, because in this moment, in this very moment, Wei Wuxian means it. And that has to be enough. Wei Wuxian’s lips are dry and rough, but he seems to like it when Lan Wangji licks them for him, Wei Wuxian sliding his tongue into Lan Wangji’s mouth. It feels so good Lan Wangji almost forgets about A-Yuan.
They kiss like this, sweet and simmering, until A-Yuan pulls at Wei Wuxian’s pant leg.
“Father, hungry.”
Wei Wuxian pulls away with a gasp and a giggle, and just like that, just with the sound of Wei Wuxian’s laugh, Lan Wangji’s heart changes. It warms instead of stings. Lan Wangji finds himself laughing, too, quietly under his breath, Wei Wuxian’s simple pleasure infectious as always. Wei Wuxian just looks at him, light dancing in his eyes, and he covers his mouth, but that can’t hide the crescent shape of his upturned eyes. He can’t help smiling. Lan Wangji can’t help smiling either. He reaches for Wei Wuxian’s hand. Wei Wuxian takes it and squeezes it.
“Let’s eat, A-Yuan! Husband. ”
Wei Wuxian pours congee into three bowls, using a rice bowl for A-Yuan. He hastily shoves the papers on the coffee table into a pile on the ground, sitting down on the floor beside A-Yuan with familiar comfort. He pats the table so Lan Wangji can sit on his other side. They hold hands beneath the table. A-Yuan starts eating his congee, happily slurping. Wei Wuxian takes a bite and licks his well-kissed lips.
“The congee is very good, Lan Zhan, but a little bit of love will make it even better!” Wei Wuxian whips out a bottle of chili oil and puts a hearty splash into his congee. He also puts a big splash into Lan Wangji’s congee.
Lan Wangji tastes it. His mouth burns. But looking at Wei Wuxian’s wonderful smile soothes his tastebuds. He’s right. It does taste better with a little bit of love. Lan Wangji takes Wei Wuxian’s hand again and squeezes it under the table.
It doesn’t matter how temporary this is. It doesn’t matter how much he doesn’t deserve it. Not right now, at least.
Right now, Lan Wangji is going to be happy.