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Bojack looks at Princess Carolyn, she seems exhausted while hugging her daughter. He can see the love shining in her amazing green eyes, now decorated with two dark circles under them. She needs help. She is too proud for her own good and probably hasn't asked for any kind of help. Bojack goes to her with a shy smile.
He has been writing to Diane because it was easier because there is something similar inside them. And because he is a coward. He couldn't find the strength to write Princess Carolyn. Bojack has hurt her so much through the years... A simple letter during his recovery is not enough for her. Princess Carolyn deserves better. She deserves the world. She deserves all the things he can't give her. Bojack watches her going around the place doing her job with a sad expression on her face.
Bojack asks himself how can help her. What does she need? What can he do for her? There must be something he can do for her. However, in the end, Bojack doesn't have any idea. Well, he has ideas but they are mediocre and stupid and useless. He wants to do something real for her. He doesn't want to make just amends with her. Bojack wishes to do something else. He wants to be what she always wanted but never dared to ask. Princess Carolyn has always been there for him. She has given him everything he craved but couldn't enjoy because of his poor life decisions.
The seconds pass and Bojack doesn't move, his dark eyes glued to her. How could he do all those things to her? How could he hurt her so much? Finally, he breathes and doesn't delay their meeting any longer.
"Princess Carolyn." He calls her. She stops and her eyes meet his. Her mouth opens with surprise and for one second she is speechless.
"Bojack?!" She wasn't expecting him. Bojack scratches his hair nervously. "When...?" He didn't say where he was, but she knows. She always knows everything about him. Bojack doesn't understand how is that possible, but she always knows and for some reason, she has been by his side since they met that fateful afternoon in the agent with that useless man who thought he was better than anyone. Sometimes, Bojack misses those days; everything was simpler back then and less painful. He was an asshole but didn't feel like a leech every time he saw Princess Carolyn. And when he remembers those days, he believes he would have acted in a different way towards her.
"I returned a couple of days ago." He informs her. "I..."
"How are you?" She asks swaying the baby carefully. This is not the best place for her to talk, Bojack realizes. They could go to a quieter place where Princess Carolyn can rest her arms.
"Why don't we go to the cafeteria that is in the corner?" He offers. It is sad, but this is the first time he does something like this. "I could have a coffee." Bojack can see the relief in her emerald eyes and she nods. "There are things we need to talk about." He adds and he feels stupid. Old habits die hard, he thinks. He has to sound like he is not here just to see here. He can't act normal around her and just tells her he has missed her.
"Thanks." She says with a smile. When they start walking, Bojack takes her bag and Princess Carolyn looks happy and grateful. It is heavy, but he doesn't complain or say anything about how good he is for carrying it. He has been working in the centre that kind of comments. Bojack is more aware now about his bad habits and he is fighting to be better. Now, he knows he can be better. And actually, it feels better when he tries.
In the cafeteria, they have a coffee. They talk about work for a little bit, Bojack wants to come back. He wants to work again, Philbert is a good income alongside with Horsin' Around, but he wants to work. He wants to prove to the world he can be better, with no controversy and drugs around. He can do this.
"Are you sure?"
"Why wouldn't be?" They both know why this could be a problem, but Bojack wants to prove her, he has changed. He is not an addict anymore. Now, he fights against all his addiction and he is going to show her, he is not the same horse that has to disappear because of what he was and did in Philbert. "I'm not sure if you're my agent anymore, but I want you to..." He doesn't have to finish the sentence when she is with her mobile in her hands.
"Don't worry, Bojack. I'm on it." she has a bright smile now and is moving her fingers fast to write on her phone. "It's good to have my favourite client again." She sounds honest and the worst part is that she is honest when she says that. It is not the first time she says these words, but only when she pronounces them looking at him sounds real. For some reason, he is her favourite client after everything he has done to her. Bojack opens his mouth to ask her why, but he restrains himself. He is afraid of the answer.
"It's good to see you." He says and tries to sound casual but fails; however, Princess Carolyn doesn't say anything and keep working on her phone after a glance.
"It's good to see you too." She purrs.
"What's her name?" He asks to change the subject. However, the moment he pronounces the words, he knows he shouldn't have made that question.
"I... I... She..." Princess Carolyn stutters. "She doesn't..." There is guilt in her beautiful eyes. The baby doesn't have a name. "I'm a terrible mother." She says after a long silence. "I didn't have the time to find the perfect name."
"Perfect name?"
"Yes. The name she deserves. The name you know it belongs to her." She tries to explain.
"What are you saying? Names don't belong to people till you name them." She moves her head disappointed like he doesn't get what she is saying. He doesn't, but because it doesn't make sense. Princess Carolyn is tense and Bojack feels a bit responsible for that. "The name you choose, it will be the perfect name." She scratches her arm trying to hide her shame.
"You care." Bojack says after a long and tense silence. "You are a wonderful mother." His mother never cared about him, she gave him money, education, a name…, but she never really cared about him or showed him love. Princess Carolyn is actually a good mother. Bojack has seen her feeding the baby and worrying about her, she looks at the baby with love, she cares and her problem is she cares too much about stupid stuff.
Princess Carolyn doesn't say anything and changes the subject to Diane and her videos. Bojack hasn't watched them; well, he tried the first one but it was too ridiculous and decided not to try ever again. He didn't read her articles; therefore, he is sure she isn't expecting he will watch the videos. They even talk about Mr Peanutbutter who is having a good professional moment, people want to work with him which is good for her.
"And now, you're coming back. This is going to be so good for my agency." She is proud of herself but Bojack can sense she is overwhelmed by everything.
"I'll try to make things easy." He promises. She doesn't believe him but, like always, she decides to be quiet. Bojack wants to insist but he knows it would be a waste of time. He deserves this from her. He has never treated her well. He has never made things easy for her. This is the reaction he deserves, in fact, he deserves something much worse but, for some unknown reason, Princess Carolyn has had a soft spot for him since they met and has ended forgiving him for all the shitty things he has done to her personal and professionally talking.
"First, I'll find something for you, and we'll see what happens after." She is being nice.
That night, Bojack asks himself what he can do for her. He has been making amends with some people anonymously since he is sure they don't want to see him or accept his apology and Bojack is learning to live with that. He is learning to be better and this is one step more. He knows he can do it and he is not doing amends because he thinks things can be like they used to be with some people but because he wants to be better. Bojack wants people to be comfortable around him. And he wants to be comfortable with himself.
Suddenly, he has an idea. Maybe it is not a good idea but, at least, if it is a bad idea at the end it won't hurt anyone. During his recovery he learnt how to write wonderful letters, so why doesn't he write a letter to Princess Carolyn? She can ignore him if she wants to. He searches for a piece of paper in his house, but he has none. Therefore, he has to go to buy paper along with a pen. He passes in front of the Bellican’s with the car and for one second he convinces himself there is nothing wrong with having a drink. However, he doesn't stop the car and keeps driving. It is a powerful feeling to be stronger than his addictions.
When he is ready, he sits to write that letter. He has written so many letters to Diane, but this is different. He is not telling a story or explaining his life and days as a new man. This time this is about his feelings and about facing his past with a woman he has hurt through the years. He tries not to think too much about what he is writing. This has to sound honest for Princess Carolyn, she only deserves honesty from him.
When he finishes, he sends the letter and waits for her answer. Princess Carolyn doesn’t send him a letter. She doesn’t have the time for that, but days later, she calls him to have lunch together.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
"What are you doing Bojack?" She asks and Bojack feels small under her beautiful big green eyes. Princess Carolyn is exhausted and terrified because of him. She doesn't trust him. She doesn't trust his feelings. She can't be sure he won't leave her again. That he won't disappoint her again. And Bojack can't blame her. Her fears are justified. He has hurt her in the past, he has abandoned her with no remorse in the past.
"I'm..." How can he explain to her what he is doing? How can he make her see the truth of his feelings? He has changed. He is trying. "I'm..." How can he show her his feelings? "I just... I'm trying..." He looks nervous, almost frantic. He doesn't know how to express his feelings. He can write letters now, but he is still useless when he is in front of the person.
"It was a beautiful letter." She says and she feels about the table till she finds his hand. "Don't get me wrong Bojack." Her voice is soft and intimate. "But... this is... I don't know what you want." She sighs with defeat. She is lost and doesn't understand what Bojack is saying and he can't blame her after all their story together. "You say you want to be better, but I don't know what that means Bojack." She is frustrated with the situation.
"I..."
"I have a baby now Bojack and... I don't have the time or the strength to try to understand what you want." Bojack breathes and nods. This is better than he expected when he sent the letter. She hasn't rejected him yet. Princess Carolyn always let him come back to her after a long fight but this time is different. She is not fighting him; she is giving him a chance to express himself.
"So… what do you want, Bojack?" The question is honest and she expects an answer.
"I..." He doesn't know how to start. He doesn't know what he wants, what he really wants. "I've had some time to think about... us." Bojack tries to have a steady voice while talking. "About my past behaviour and how I treated and..." He didn't like what he saw when he had to rememorate his past with Princess Carolyn. He didn't like how he always left her alone and exposed. "I was shitty." Princess Carolyn doesn't interrupt him, she doesn't nod to tell him he was certainly an asshole. "I don't want you to remember me being a shitty client, friend and lover. I believe I can show you a better version of myself." Bojack smiles shyly and Princess Carolyn returns him the smile.
"Thank you, Bojack." He is not sure why she is thankful for, but he doesn't dare to ask. "That was really sweet."
This is a new beginning for them. This is a new opportunity for Bojack. When he was in that place, he thought a lot about her. Bojack knew he loved her but never really understood his own feelings towards her. He always regretted how he made her waste her thirties, even though she never told him that. He felt bad for having her around because she was a reminder of all the pain he can cause to a good person. And he treated her poorly because of that when she deserved the world. But now, he has a new chance to make things right between them. Bojack wants to show her how important she is in his life.
Bojack loves her.
Bojack loves Princess Carolyn. And right now, the only thing that matters is to make her see he has changed. This is not only about being sweet, but this is also more than that. Bojack has been sweet with her in the past and has hurt her because being occasionally sweet is not enough. And she deserves something better than him being occasionally sweet.
"I don't want to be just sweet." Bojack is well aware sometimes he finds the right words to say. Sometimes, he tells exactly what the other person needs to hear in a specific moment. And Princess Carolyn knows it too. she has listened so many times the right words in the right moment from him, she doesn't trust him anymore. But now, Bojack doesn't want to find the right words to stay with her. Bojack wants to demonstrate her, he is worth it. "What I want is to show you this new me." She sighs and her eyes shine, however, she doesn't say anything. She doesn't respond to his words. "I've been saying I'm poison all my life and I've been acting accordingly. I've pushed and hurt people because I was incapable of doing the right thing because it was easy to excuse my actions saying I was poison" He hopes he is explaining himself. This is important and maybe his last chance to be with her. "I'm not poison. I don't hurt people because I'm poison but because I chose to. I made my own decisions. I was all the things that were wrong with me." He remembers Todd's words.
He was right.
He was the one making those awful decisions, hurting people, begging for attention and running away the moment he got it. Bojack was the one making those things; not his mother, not the drugs or the alcohol. He has always been responsible for his own happiness and now, he wants to share it with Princess Carolyn.
“What I’m trying to say is… I’d like to be more than a stupid client.” He doesn’t dare to ask her for more than that. He is afraid of asking more than that. “I want more than seeing you around or for a work-related meeting.”
“Bojack…” Princess Carolyn understands what he is implying. She knows perfectly what his words are saying without actually saying it. Bojack wants to be with her in her own terms. He is not going to impose his presence or feelings. “Bojack.” She repeats his name in a low purr. “Please.” She asks because this is the only answer, she can give him. Princess Carolyn has loved many men before and after Bojack, she has fought and cried for other people, but Bojack has been different. And that is scary. She has been ready to have her heartbroken and has never complained, she has never has asked for anything. However, Bojack is different. Princess Carolyn squeezes his hand. “Please don’t break my heart, Bojack.” This plea is her answer, the only one she can give him.
Bojack nods and smile in silence. He can make no promises, but Princess Carolyn accepts his silence. He is here right now. Bojack is not trying to be sweet with her but honest. Being with him is dangerous, but maybe this is the right time for them after so many years of relationship. They are not in their best moment, but there is hope in the future and Bojack is here with no ulterior motive than being with her. The words echo in her mind and Princess Carolyn can hear them in Bojack’s mind. This is their last chance and Bojack knows if he screws things with Princess Carolyn, he will lose her forever.
Princess Carolyn looks less exhausted and more beautiful, this is the effect he has on her. And Bojack is going to fight to have that power for the rest of his life. She deserves to be happy; she deserves to have it all and he really wants to give her all the things she always dreamt. And for that he has to be consistent, dependably good every day for her because that is what she deserves.