Work Text:
your rose-tinted cheeks
are all that I need,
I love you too—
thank you for loving me.
🌹🌹
"You're in love with him."
"I'm not in love with him," Namjoon replies dryly. But Taehyung only shakes his head next to Jimin who lets out an even bigger sigh than the one just a few seconds ago.
"You are," Jimin adds. "Hopelessly so."
"I'm not."
"Hyung, you really are. It's okay though. He loves you too. So you should tell him," Taehyung says, tone suggesting he's wise beyond his years. Namjoon kind of wants to strangle him.
"I'm not telling him anything because there isn't anything to say."
"That's what people in dramas say. Are we living in a drama?"
Jimin giggles and Namjoon shuts his eyes tightly together, so tightly together that maybe, just maybe, he can imagine himself far away from here, far far away in a completely different universe, somewhere where he isn't having this horrifying and dreadful conversation where he continues to deny something so simple, something that's become a facet of his being, something that—
"Hyung?"
Namjoon opens his eyes. Because fuck.
"I'm in love with him."
"Finally," the two of them say in unison.
The words disappear into the air.
Namjoon feels like he's floating.
🌹🌹
The person that Kim Namjoon is in love with is Min Yoongi.
Min Yoongi.
Min. Yoongi. Yoongi.
Namjoon thinks he's known it for a long time now. It's Yoongi. Hell, he was probably in love with him after just a month of knowing each other.
Namjoon remembers that time. He remembers trailing after Yoongi, remembers the first time Yoongi pat his back and the way that Namjoon's nerves immediately set on fire, warming up his entire body so much that Namjoon had to lie to Yoongi and say he had a fever when Yoongi asked him about it.
He remembers Yoongi back then. Yoongi was stressed. He was tired. Yoongi wasn't sure he wanted to continue with university or drop out. Yoongi wasn't eating enough because he hardly cared with everything else going on and Namjoon was someone that came in and out of his life enough that he felt comfortable telling Namjoon this, but nothing anything more.
Yoongi back then was all surface-level feelings. Surface-level conversations. Surface-level looks and surface-level words.
The Yoongi that Namjoon knows now has dug so deep within Namjoon that Namjoon isn't sure he even would want to try and dig him out. The Yoongi that Namjoon knows now is beautiful in every sense of understanding that Namjoon believes the word to be. Beautiful in the kind of way that Namjoon thinks makes sense, like how nature is beautiful or the art he sees in museums.
Namjoon genuinely doesn't know how he didn't figure out that he loved Min Yoongi sooner.
"Namjoon."
Yoongi is here with him and he's giving Namjoon a curious look. Like he sees something he doesn't understand. Namjoon wonders if Yoongi sometimes feels just as lost about him, feels just as lost as Namjoon sometimes feels about Yoongi.
"You're thinking so hard you're going to give yourself wrinkles," Yoongi says, a laugh in his voice. Namjoon blinks.
"You have more wrinkles than me."
Yoongi's laughter turns into an exasperated glare pointed at him. "My skin is honey-smooth, refined by the gods themselves."
"Okay, now that's bullshit."
"So, what's wrong? You usually don't think so hard about things unless something is wrong. Want to talk to hyung about it?"
Namjoon does want to. Besides the fact that these feelings are about him, Namjoon wants to tell Yoongi about everything. He always does. Namjoon likes to talk to people. He likes to talk about his feelings. He likes to open up and Yoongi is good at listening to him. Yoongi is good at letting Namjoon open up around him.
Except, "No, nothing is wrong. I think I'm just a bit too in my own head today. Might take it easy today."
"That’s good," Yoongi nods. "You deserve to take it easy. Is there… is there anything I can do for you, Namjoon?"
Namjoon wants to say yes. "Nothing much. Thanks though, hyung."
Yoongi nods again and smiles. "Of course, Namjoon."
Of course, Namjoon.
Namjoon meets Yoongi in his music psychology class. Yoongi is sitting in the middle of the room, not somewhere Namjoon would sit usually, but the seat next to him was the only one that was open. This class is hard to get into. That fact alone makes Yoongi interesting.
"Can I sit here?" Namjoon asks. Yoongi glances up at him and nods, not saying a word. Namjoon sits down and takes out his notebook and pen. Some of the other students have their laptops out but Namjoon thinks writing down things helps him remember better as opposed to typing.
Yoongi is also using a notebook.
The class goes by quickly, the professor taking only a few minutes to introduce herself before they move into their first topic. The classroom is quiet.
Nothing stands out too much.
Make friends, Namjoon remembers. Have someone to rely on in case you need to miss class. He didn't make as many friends as he could have last semester and when he started to skip classes to stay in bed and stare at his wall instead, he wished he did.
When class ends, Namjoon makes sure to force the words out of his mouth, letting them tumble down into the space between them.
"Can I have your number?"
Yoongi looks at him. He frowns. "For class?"
Namjoon feels warm and he nods. Of course for class. What else would it be for?
"Yes. I… in case one of us misses class? That way we can exchange notes." He feels awkward but Namjoon's proud of himself for getting through it. Yoongi is silent for a second or two but finally, he nods.
"Yeah, sure, of course. Sounds like a good idea. Here."
They exchange numbers and names, Yoongi pleasantly asking for his name first which makes Namjoon flush at how impolite he was.
"I'm so sorry. I should have said that first. My name is Kim Namjoon," he says.
"Min Yoongi," replies Yoongi.
And when Namjoon asks if it was okay if Namjoon texted Yoongi now to make sure he put in the right number, Yoongi laughs and says, "Of course, Namjoon."
Of course, Namjoon.
The first time Namjoon and Yoongi go out and eat together, Yoongi thinks it's a date. Namjoon had asked him, only two weeks after knowing each other because for some reason, the part of him that wanted a friend he could rely on had already chosen Yoongi to be that friend.
Namjoon texts him and asks him if he wants to go out and eat dinner that Friday. Namjoon says Friday because it's one of his only free days. Yoongi thinks he said Friday because he thinks Namjoon is asking him out on a date.
When Friday comes along, Yoongi doesn't say anything about it for a long time, smiling shyly at Namjoon as Namjoon greets him in the restaurant. It isn't an expensive restaurant at all, but the décor is nice and calming. Namjoon's never been here before and when he tells Yoongi this, the blush on Yoongi's cheeks deepens.
They talk for a long time and Namjoon thinks they have a lot in common. They're both interested in music production although Yoongi is majoring in business and Namjoon is majoring in communications. Both of them are in their second year, which Namjoon wonders about since Yoongi is older than him (information that he just learned) but he doesn't ask. Yoongi has an older brother he really admires but no other siblings. Yoongi has two good friends, Hoseok and Seokjin. Yoongi is funny and intelligent. Yoongi is—
"I don't know how you knew I liked guys, but I had an inkling with you too, I guess. It's why I said yes." Yoongi lets out a shy smile. "But… this is nice. Even though it was a bit nerve-wracking at first."
Namjoon stares at him, confusion wrapping around his ribs and squeezing just enough that discomfort becomes his primary feeling. From the context, Namjoon might know what Yoongi is talking about, but he still doesn't quite get it. He doesn't understand. So, "What?"
Yoongi frowns. "Wait do you… not like guys?" He shifts, looking as uncomfortable as Namjoon feels. "Ah, are you simply curious? I—wait… what? Wait…."
After a long silence that Namjoon isn't sure they can return from, he speaks again. "You like men?"
Yoongi swallows. He looks suddenly nervous and Namjoon doesn't really know what to do.
"Yes? I thought it was obvious. I mean, to you. You asked me out on this date, right?"
"Date?"
Yoongi takes a long few seconds to study him, a multitude of expressions dancing across his face and finally, he settles on an awkward understanding that Namjoon's brain is trying to catch up to as well. "This… isn't a date?"
Namjoon blinks. "No?"
Yoongi is staring at his food, not able to meet Namjoon's gaze and Namjoon sees how rosy red his cheeks are and he feels suddenly so bad for the misunderstanding. Namjoon finally understands. He clears his throat.
"I'm really sorry, hyung. I only invited you out because I wanted a new friend." And because Namjoon apparently can't control his mouth as well as he thought, he adds, "I also… don't like men romantically."
Yoongi just starts shaking his head, finally forcing his gaze from his food back to Namjoon. "No, I'm sorry. You never did technically say anything that would have meant it was a date. I'm really sorry. I can still be your friend, yeah. Unless…." He swallows. "You don't want to?"
"Why wouldn't I want to?"
"Because I'm gay."
Oh. Namjoon feels even worse than he did before for making Yoongi think he'd care about something like that. He shakes his head. "No, hyung, that's completely okay. I'm sorry if you thought otherwise. I still want to be your friend. I have other gay friends actually." It feels like such a cop-out to say but Namjoon needs Yoongi to understand, he needs him to understand Namjoon isn't like that.
"Oh."
"Yeah," Namjoon laughs. God, all the bad feelings in the pit of his stomach are beginning to pile up on each other. Namjoon hopes they can come back from this. "Yeah, sorry. For making you think otherwise. I guess it is kind of weird to ask you to eat dinner. I can see how you thought otherwise." Namjoon hopes they can come back from this.
Yoongi shakes his head. "Nah, it's okay, really. All of this. Let's just ignore this, yeah? Let's be friends."
"Okay, yeah, yes," Namjoon replies, smiling. Namjoon hopes they can come back from this. Namjoon really likes talking to Yoongi. He really, really hopes they can come back from this. "I'm glad you still want to be my friend."
Yoongi smiles kindly at him.
"Of course, Namjoon."
Of course, Namjoon.
"Of course, Namjoon," Yoongi mutters. "Of course he's treating me well."
"I just don't like him."
"You don't have to like him," says Yoongi. Namjoon sighs. Yoongi fixes him with a stern look. "Besides, why do you care so much anyway?"
Namjoon shrugs. "I care about you, Yoongi-hyung. Why else?"
Yoongi is quiet. And then, "I care about you too but do you see me giving a shit about who you're fucking?"
Namjoon blinks. He swallows.
"You're right. I'm sorry."
"Is it because I'm gay?"
"What? No, hyung, of course not."
"Then why do you care so much?"
Namjoon doesn't know. "I just don't like him. You deserve to date a better guy. He's so irritating. I don't even know how you can stand him. He's pretentious as hell."
"Did you know that you're kind of pretentious too?"
Namjoon clenches his jaw and takes a step back. He hadn't even realized he had gotten closer. "I don't want to argue with you and you're right, it not my business. Just... just be safe, okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be safe, Namjoon?" Yoongi says. But then he deflates, sighing again, and the exhaustion settles in. "Never mind. I don't want to argue about this either. I can get defensive. I apologize."
Namjoon feels bad though. Yoongi is right. He had no right to have reacted so extremely. And Yoongi is just so mature about it. He bites his cheek.
"It's my fault. I'm sorry. Really, hyung. I don't know why I'm being like this."
"It's okay, Namjoon. Let's just let it go, okay? We just moved in together. Seems we still have things to sort out." Silence. Namjoon feels—"I'll see you later, yeah?"
Namjoon can tell Yoongi is still pissed off at him but he can also tell that Yoongi needs his space. All of today has been tense and Namjoon knows it's his fault. He just… he just…
"Okay, yeah, hyung. Sorry."
The apology hangs in the air but Yoongi just nods and walks back into his room, shutting the door behind him softly and leaving Namjoon to stand there alone. Namjoon swallows and looks down at his feet, wondering why he had to ever say something at all. He can get so stupid about this sometimes. He doesn't even understand why. He doesn't know why. He sighs.
"Sorry," he says again, to nobody at all.
🌹🌹
The person that Kim Namjoon is in love with is Min Yoongi.
Min Yoongi.
Min. Yoongi. Yoongi.
And Namjoon has no idea what he can do about it.
He's known Yoongi for years now, so long that Yoongi's become intertwined with nearly every aspect of his life. Yoongi's basically already a part of Namjoon's family. Namjoon's parents love him. His little sister loves him too. Even his family's pets love him. But Yoongi is just Namjoon's friend, his roommate, not his crush. Namjoon has never introduced Yoongi to someone as anything more than a friend. Yoongi is exactly that though. A crush.
Except it's more than a crush. Even Namjoon, who spent so long in the dark about his own feelings, can see that. Namjoon is in love with Yoongi. Namjoon's in love with the way Yoongi exists. Namjoon's in love with his mind. Namjoon's in love with his heart. Namjoon's in love with Yoongi.
It makes more sense than it should. Their friends liked to joke they were married. Yoongi helped Namjoon through his sexuality crisis after all and that day is still something they don't even bring up. There was something between them that Namjoon forced deep within him back then. Even Yoongi seemed to realize that there was something more. Maybe Yoongi already knows that Namjoon's in love with him.
Maybe Namjoon doesn't even stand a chance.
Namjoon is at home alone, staring down at his homework and unable to read what it says, too lost in his own mind to understand the reality around him. He'll be living with Yoongi for at least two more years. That's what they agreed on. Namjoon is a grad student now. Yoongi is waiting for him to finish. They've talked about this. They don't know what they're doing after Namjoon gets his degree. Yoongi told him that if Namjoon really did want to keep living with him, he could, obviously, but he also said he didn't know what he'd be doing either.
They don't worry about it. Namjoon has never been one to worry about that.
In the background, he hears the door open and Namjoon looks up from his homework and meets Yoongi's gaze. Yoongi's slightly wet, his hair mussed and his jacket clinging to him tightly. Outside, it's raining gently and Namjoon watches the rain without saying a word to Yoongi.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah," Namjoon responds. He can barely hear himself. Namjoon hadn't even been aware it was raining. How did he not realize it was raining? He looks back at Yoongi. "I'm okay, hyung. Just stressed."
Yoongi hums, slipping off his shoes as he hangs up his jacket and sighs. It's a pretty sigh. Yoongi is very handsome. Namjoon blinks away his thoughts.
When Yoongi is finished getting himself situated, he doesn't stay to chat, slinging his bag over his shoulder more as he walks to his room quickly, almost as if he's trying not to bother Namjoon.
Yoongi doesn't bother Namjoon. Not really. Not ever. Namjoon doesn't know how to just say that though. It'd be kind of strange to say, he thinks. Especially out of nowhere.
Before Yoongi disappears into his room though, he pauses and turns around. Namjoon admires the pretty smile that Yoongi gives him.
Namjoon blinks again. And then Yoongi speaks.
"It'll be okay, Joon."
It'll be okay, Joon.
When Namjoon was younger, the world felt smaller. His world consisted of his family and his friends and school. His world consisted of the movies he'd watch and the books he'd read. His world consisted of what he surrounded himself with. He felt like he could take on anything. He felt like he was bigger than he was.
Now that he's older, the world feels bigger but he feels smaller than ever. Namjoon thinks too much sometimes. It's a bad habit and he's trying not to care as much about some things. He's trying not to give in so much to all of his bad thoughts. He's trying to feel big again.
When he was younger though, he didn't worry about things outside of his small world. He worried about his grades and he worried about his friends if something was going on with them. He worried about what his parents thought about him. He worried about not being able to see a movie that came out because he was too busy studying. He never felt too much out of his own skin except when he'd suddenly think that maybe, no matter what he did, it wouldn't matter.
Except. All of Namjoon's friends felt like that too. They felt that their small world was too much and that they couldn't exist within it. They felt constrained and limited. It had to get bigger, it had to.
So, Namjoon's struggles didn't really stand out and he learned to move on. He learned to let it go. He learned to feel it and then dismiss it. He forced himself to go to a good university and live with roommates rather than his family because he couldn’t stop feeling that maybe he was just a bother to have around. Namjoon wasn't enough but he wanted to be so he made himself take that first step and ignore the one thing that made him different.
Namjoon became skilled in ignoring it. It being the thing he hasn't let himself even fully realize.
Which was, well, basically… Namjoon, back then, back when he was younger and hanging out with his cool friends and his nerdy friends and his girl friends and his family, well, Namjoon Wasn't Gay. It was a problem he didn't let exist. He had a girlfriend for a long time and then when they broke up, he was sad, but not as sad as he pretended to be, and simply focused even more on his studies, creating music deep in the night he'd never show another soul.
Back then, he was trying to prove something. Namjoon has gone through a big portion of his life always trying to prove something to someone, even if that someone was just himself. Namjoon is still trying to prove something. He just isn't completely sure as to what.
When he entered university, he had pushed the problem so far back into himself that he could almost believe he forgot about it. He was too busy focusing on his grades and contemplating his future to care about dating anyway. It doesn't matter.
But then it did.
But then it did.
But then it did.
It mattered.
"Namjoon, what's wrong?"
Namjoon shakes his head, so caught up in his thoughts he didn't even realize, how could he not even realize, and Namjoon absolutely hates crying like this, he doesn't cry like this often, and he's crying in front of Yoongi of all people and—
Yoongi reaches over and grabs his hand, holding on tightly and not making a move to do anything else. Namjoon is glad and he tries to focus his attention on the warmth of Yoongi's hand rather than everything else because it's just so much. It's so so much.
He laughs through his tears. "God, I'm sorry, hyung."
"What's wrong, Namjoon? You can talk to me, I promise."
"I just realized something about myself."
"What?"
But Namjoon shakes his head, fear coursing through his veins alongside his blood. Namjoon can't just say it out loud. Saying it loud makes it more real and Namjoon isn't sure he can do real. He gnaws at his bottom lip and doesn't reply. Yoongi squeezes his hand tenderly.
"I can't say it right now," Namjoon finally replies. "I'm sorry, hyung."
"No, don't be sorry. It's okay."
"Okay."
Yoongi's fingers lightly ghost over Namjoon's knuckles and Namjoon doesn't hold back his shiver.
After Namjoon wipes away his tears, Yoongi speaks again, gripping tightly onto Namjoon's hand for just a brief second before finally loosening and pulling away. Namjoon finally looks up at him. Yoongi gives him a smile and Namjoon feels the tension from his body seep out of him.
"It'll be okay, Joon."
It'll be okay, Joon.
Yoongi is cute when he's drunk. Rosy red cheeks as he laughs softly at what Namjoon is saying, hands grasping his beer bottle as if it's a warm cup of coffee. Namjoon grins at him. He's drunk too but he didn't drink as much as Yoongi so he still gets to appreciate how relaxed Yoongi seems.
"Namjoon," Yoongi mumbles, reaching out and grabbing at the air. He frowns. "Hold my fucking hand, Namjoon."
Scratch that. Yoongi is really cute when he's drunk.
"Hmm, why should I?"
"I don't ever ask you to."
"You have!"
"You don't though. Besides," Yoongi says, shrugging off his blanket as he scoots closer to Namjoon on the couch. "It's embarrassing."
Namjoon laughs softly. His week was a good one and they're both about to graduate soon, they're so close, and Namjoon hasn't gotten to hang out with Yoongi where they just relax and get drunk too many times before. So, it feels like a moment that should be appreciated. Namjoon appreciates it. He appreciates it very much.
"Fine," he finally replies, holding out his hand, palm facing the ceiling and Yoongi looks at him for a long time but finally, he holds on. Namjoon inhales. "Your hand is kind of cold."
"Shut up," Yoongi murmurs, not moving closer to him so it's kind of awkward and Namjoon doesn't want that at all. In a very tiresome endeavor, Namjoon manages to push his body closer to Yoongi and Namjoon tries not to smile at the surprised and flustered look Yoongi shoots his way.
Exhaustion settles in his bones and Namjoon lets out a sigh as he leans his head on Yoongi's shoulder. Yoongi is quiet.
"I'm proud of you, Namjoon."
Namjoon blinks sleepily at him. "For what?"
"You're going to graduate soon. You worked hard. You deserve this."
Namjoon can't help his smile. Yoongi sounds so fond. Yoongi sounds so….
"You're graduating too, hyung. I'm proud of you too. You worked hard too."
Yoongi huffs and squeezes his hand tightly, bringing up his other hand to cup Namjoon's cheek. Namjoon swallows. Yoongi pulls back suddenly like he was burned. Namjoon thinks he's the one that's burning.
"Of course I worked hard," Yoongi finally mumbles. "But, I don't know, you were important for me. You are important, you know, for me. You helped me in lots of ways you probably don't know because I don't really tell you. But, ah, hyung loves you a lot, okay?"
Warmth envelops him in a hug and Namjoon feels suddenly much soberer than he was just a few seconds ago, but that feeling is still drenched in a fuzziness that holds tightly onto Yoongi's words and lets them lift him up, so high up that Namjoon knows he's flying.
"Thank you, Yoongi."
Yoongi nods and rests his head against Namjoon's. Yoongi has always been good at ripping Namjoon open, seeing the things inside of him that Namjoon would never ask for or talk about and then immediately closing up the wounds tenfold. Namjoon would have continued on without saying a single word, without asking for help or advice. Yoongi always makes sure he doesn't do that to himself. Yoongi always makes sure to take care of him.
"It'll be okay, Joon."
It'll be okay, Joon.
In the first year of Namjoon's growing friendship with Yoongi, they tended to only spend time together at their university. There were only a few times they went out to eat somewhere else, but that was because they were tired of the options on campus.
And when they both finally admitted to each other that neither one of them had gotten the chance to genuinely explore their campus, they made it their mission to, ranking every popular hang-out spot and eating in all the dining halls and restaurants.
It was ridiculous and fun and engaging and Namjoon didn't think he would have many things to look forward to at university but spending time with Yoongi proved him wrong.
Yoongi was smart and cool and he had very abstract ideas for dreams and it was refreshing to meet someone neither negative nor positive. Yoongi took things as they came and he got through them. Namjoon needed that. Namjoon needed that mindset and influence. Namjoon appreciated him more than he could say.
"Would you want to meet my friends? I know you sort of met Seokjin but that was so brief that doesn't even count."
"He's your roommate, right?" asks Namjoon, recalling the very few conversations Yoongi ever brought him up.
Yoongi nods. "Yes, he's insufferable and one of my best friends."
Namjoon grins, leaning forward on his arms as he tilts his head in mock contemplation. "Who else would I be meeting?"
"My friend Hoseok. I met him last year. I've mentioned him before too… he's pretty chill. You'd like him. He's your age."
"You say that as if you're decades older than me."
"I am."
"Okay, ahjussi."
"Shush, brat."
Namjoon flushes. Yoongi raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment.
"Fine," Namjoon finally says after a few more awkward beats of silence. "Then you have to meet mine."
"You have friends?"
"Hyung, you think you're really funny, but you actually aren't."
"I am funny," is Yoongi's only reply. Namjoon sighs.
"Anyway, my "friends" are my roommates. Taehyung and Jimin."
"Oh yeah. You've mentioned them. You always complain about them though."
"I love them dearly."
Yoongi snorts. "But you don't like how much sex they have?"
"They are very in love and I do admire those qualities about them." He shivers when he remembers the night he could still hear them through his headphones, his music be damned. He ended up having to go out and take a late-night walk. The next morning, he managed to talk to them about it, but their dual expressions of guilt and pride still haunts him to this day. Thankfully, it hasn't been as bad since, but… Namjoon has definitely been tested.
"You're meeting Hobi and Seokjin first," declares Yoongi. "Are you free this weekend?"
Namjoon nods. "Yeah. Where?"
"My place?"
"I haven't seen your place."
Yoongi frowns cutely. It makes Namjoon smile. "Really?"
"Really."
"Well," Yoongi huffs. "Now you will."
Namjoon grins. "Now I will."
Now Namjoon had even more things to look forward to.
🌹🌹
Namjoon wakes up feeling warmer than usual. He doesn't open his eyes, basking in the warmth as he shuffles a bit, his arm wrapped around something solid, and Namjoon stills, realizing his arm is wrapped around a person, not a pillow.
"Sorry," he hears Yoongi mumble and Namjoon opens his eyes, blinking sleepily at him and flinching at how he's able to hear his eyelids open and close. Yoongi flushes, pulling away immediately and Namjoon frowns, just registering the fact that they were holding hands tightly and definitely cuddling.
Namjoon yawns as last night hits him all at once. Namjoon remembers they wanted to watch a movie together, but then their power went out, crushing their plans for the night. But Yoongi's computer had been fully charged and Yoongi had said they could just watch it together on his computer, that they could get settled in his bed and watch it together. He said it like it was nothing. Namjoon had pretended like it was nothing too.
Finally registering how cold his hand feels now, Namjoon shakes his head, holding back another yawn as he stares at Yoongi and tries to come up with what to say. "It's okay, hyung."
Yoongi stares at him too, frowning in a considerate way and Namjoon desperately wants to know what he's thinking.
Namjoon doesn't consider himself a physically intimate person. Even in a romantic sense, he's never been one to initiate too much affection beyond awkward sweaty hand holding and his arm around a waist, but with Yoongi, Namjoon wants.
He thrusts his hand back out. "Here," he says softly. "Hold my hand. I'm cold." Namjoon ignores his own words, his ears ringing with What are you doing what are you doing what are you doing, but he's already said it and it'd be too cowardly to back out now.
Yoongi doesn't take his hand though, looking away and staring at the wall. He sighs, glances back at Namjoon, and then gets out of bed, still not saying anything back. Namjoon drops his hand awkwardly, trying to ignore the hurt he feels. Feelings of rejection begin to build a house inside of him but Namjoon clenches his jaw and ignores that too.
Yoongi goes to the bathroom and Namjoon sits there alone, torn between getting up and hiding away in his room like he probably should and staying just so he can spend more time with Yoongi. When Yoongi does finally come out of his bathroom, he seems surprised Namjoon is still there. He doesn't tell him to leave though. Instead, he walks back to the bed and sits down next to him.
He smiles gently and puts his hand on Namjoon's arm. His voice is quiet when he speaks.
"Hey." Namjoon frowns and Yoongi doesn't break eye contact as Yoongi pushes him, palm against his chest now, and Namjoon is lying back down, his head hitting Yoongi's soft pillows with a gentle thud. Namjoon doesn't understand. Namjoon doesn't ask.
Namjoon closes his eyes.
"Go to sleep, Namjoon. You're tired."
Go to sleep, Namjoon. You're tired.
Namjoon's first year of grad school is one of his worst, both mentally and emotionally. His workload stresses him out beyond measure and he's finally faced a part of himself that he still isn't able to say out loud. He thinks about it every single day, thinks about just calling Taehyung and admitting it over the phone, thinks about telling Jimin over a cup of coffee, thinks about just giving in completely and confessing it to Yoongi.
He doesn't though. He studies. He works hard.
Yoongi still isn't home.
Namjoon glances at the clock periodically, worried about Yoongi, hoping he's safe wherever he is, but the part of him that Namjoon isn't able to ignore stirs with jealousy, commenting that Yoongi is probably more than safe, whispering darkly that Yoongi is out having fun and Namjoon is stuck here, studying for an exam he can't afford to fail. Namjoon writes what he feels at the top of his paper in frustration.
He's being unfair but Namjoon doesn't care.
Another two hours pass before Yoongi finally does get home. Namjoon tenses up at the sound of his key being jammed into the lock and he hopes Yoongi's alone, he can't deal with Yoongi bringing someone over right now, Yoongi knows he has an exam tomorrow, but he still looks to see, still forces himself to face the thing he still isn't able to, but… Yoongi is alone.
"You're still up? Isn't your exam at eleven, Namjoon?" Yoongi comments tiredly. Namjoon feels so angry suddenly.
"It's four in the morning."
"Yeah?"
Namjoon doesn't know. He swallows but doesn't look away. "Your lips are bruised," he says and that's because they are. Bruised in the way Namjoon knows Yoongi's been kissed more than once tonight.
Yoongi frowns at him. "What does that have to do with anything?"
Everything. "Nothing."
Yoongi raises an eyebrow, walking over to stand beside Namjoon. Namjoon doesn't meet his gaze.
"Obviously it means something to you. So," Yoongi dares, "spit it out."
Namjoon's grip around his pencil tightens. He hates when Yoongi gets like this, going back and forth between not wanting to deal with confrontation and then having the bravery of a thousand suns charging into war.
"I thought you weren't seeing him anymore."
"I'm not."
Namjoon doesn't know if that makes it any better. He feels a knot in this throat. Namjoon can’t get it out, he can't get it out, he can't—
"Namjoon, you know we broke up." Namjoon finally looks back up at him. Yoongi scrunches his nose. "Technically, I was never even dating him. He was just someone I saw every now and then. You know I stopped seeing him though. Besides, why does it matter, Namjoon?"
The knot in his throat is getting larger and Namjoon isn't sure he can even breathe at this point. He wants to say it. He wants to say it.
"It doesn't matter."
"Obviously, it does," Yoongi grits out. "So why does it?"
"I have to study, hyung."
Yoongi lets out a frustrated sigh. "Just tell me, Namjoon."
And if this had happened at any other time, at a time that Namjoon didn't feel exhausted to the core, at a time that Namjoon's emotions weren't swirling all around the place, maybe Namjoon wouldn’t have said anything at all. Maybe, none of it would have happened in the first place.
But Namjoon is exhausted. And his emotions have been boiling for hours now.
So, he tenses up and tells him.
"I'm jealous, Yoongi."
And then he deflates.
Yoongi doesn’t speak for a long time. Namjoon doesn't know if he wants him to or not. He reads the words on the paper in front of him, his earlier thoughts coming back to him in full force.
Stop being so jealous, it's your fault.
Namjoon bites back tears.
"Namjoon, look at me."
He takes a deep breath and does, Yoongi picking at his nails as he bites at his inner cheek, puffing the other one out. He looks cute. Namjoon feels pathetic. Yoongi opens his mouth but nothing comes out and so, Namjoon simply sits there as Yoongi stands right next to him, and they stare.
Finally, Yoongi sighs, shrugging off whatever thoughts he might have thought about saying earlier as he heads to his room.
"Go to sleep, Namjoon. You're tired."
Go to sleep, Namjoon. You're tired.
"You have such a loud ass laugh, I could hear you from the other room," Yoongi comments from behind Namjoon. Namjoon turns around and grins widely at him, pulling him into a hug, blaming it on the drinks and not on the sudden urges he sometimes he feels when it comes to Yoongi. Yoongi half-heartedly attempts to squirm away but he doesn't and sighs loudly, breath hitting Namjoon's collarbones.
The party is on the smaller side and neither Namjoon or Yoongi are big on parties, but it's a celebration for Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hoseok for graduating so it'd be pretty impossible to miss it.
"Where's Hobi?" Namjoon asks, looking around to see if he can pull his friend into the hug as well. Yoongi huffs.
"I don't know." He tilts his head and then muses, "Though I did see him earlier trying to give advice to poor Jeongguk."
"Advice about what?"
"University."
Namjoon snorts and hugs Yoongi even closer to him. "What's he got to say about university that will help Jeongguk? Jeongguk is doing great."
"He's wise beyond Jeongguk's years, apparently, which, well, he kind of has a point," Yoongi laughs, making Namjoon grin.
Jeongguk's a first-year that Taehyung met and forced into their makeshift friend group which basically comprised of Yoongi's friends, Hoseok and Seokjin, and Namjoon's friends, Taehyung and Jimin. And now: Jeongguk.
Namjoon and Yoongi have only met Jeongguk a few times, this party making it the fourth time they've all hung out together like this. And they didn't really speak much the first three times.
Which is why he probably asks it at all.
"So," Jeongguk says a little later into the night, all of them slightly buzzed as they sit on the floor of the living room, everyone else already having left, "Taehyung and Jimin are dating."
Jimin laughs sweetly and Taehyung nods seriously while grinning widely at the same time. Namjoon and Yoongi are sitting next to each other, arms brushing, and maybe that's also why Jeongguk thought to say what he does. Maybe that's why he turns to the two of them and points with a wide smile, "And Namjoon and Yoongi are dating too." Next to him, Yoongi chokes on nothing at all and the whole room goes quiet, nobody saying a single word. Namjoon thinks he hears flies buzzing around in his head. Jeongguk seems confused. "Wait… am I wrong?"
Hoseok starts laughing and Jimin joins in. Seokjin is biting his lips, obviously holding back as well and Taehyung just looks at Namjoon and Yoongi with wide, betrayed eyes.
"You two are dating?" Taehyung accuses, standing up and nearly falling over with how dizzy he seems. He pouts. "You didn't even tell me."
To make matters worse, Jeongguk pipes up again, commenting that, Oh actually, hyung, they never told me, I just kind of assumed with how they're always around each other and look at each other like they want to—
"We aren't dating," Namjoon forces himself to say, the buzzing in his head louder than ever before. Yoongi snorts.
"You really think I'd date him?"
Namjoon frowns, slightly offended. "Hey, I'm a good boyfriend."
Yoongi smirks at him. "Yeah?" And the way he says it has Namjoon nearly breathless. Weird, he thinks as he looks away. Weird weird weird.
"So, you're telling me that they aren't dating?" Jeongguk whispers loudly to Jimin and Hoseok who are still laughing at him.
"We aren't dating!" Namjoon says again and Jeongguk looks at him but seems to see straight through him. Eventually, he nods.
"Okay."
It doesn't sound like he believes Namjoon but Namjoon doesn't have it in him to care anymore. Yoongi is laughing silently next to him.
Time moves quickly after that and when Jeongguk realizes that Yoongi is older than both Hobi and Namjoon, he asks why.
Namjoon already knows why. Namjoon asked Yoongi before, in their first year of knowing each other, and he hadn't wanted to ask but he wanted to know. He wasn't the one to bring it up in the end though. Yoongi did, wanted to in fact because he didn't want there to be any miscommunication. Yoongi absolutely hates miscommunication.
Namjoon didn't think it was a big deal and told Yoongi that his business is his own but if he did want to tell Namjoon, he was here to listen. So, Yoongi told him and although not a single part of Namjoon thought that it was something to be ashamed of, it was obvious Yoongi was. Yoongi—who took time off from having to go to school so he could take care of himself, take care of his mind, and take care of his family. It wasn't admirable, it wasn't cowardly, and it wasn't something to be ashamed of either. It just was.
Namjoon knew what it was like to feel lost and he almost thinks he should have done the same thing, but then he also thinks that if he had, he would have just felt restless.
Yoongi says something similar to Jeongguk, not as detailed about it though, and this time, Yoongi's hands aren't shaking, but Namjoon still makes sure to reach over and squeeze his arm to show he's here.
It's not a big deal altogether and Jeongguk grins at him and tells Yoongi that's he's cool. The awkwardness dissipates and Seokjin comments that Jeongguk had a point in thinking Namjoon and Yoongi were together considering they act like bickering husbands and it's all downhill from there.
By the end of the night, Namjoon, Hoseok, and Yoongi feel thoroughly congratulated and Jimin is pulling at Namjoon's arm and trying to tell him of the urgency of their need to leave because otherwise, they'll miss their bus.
Namjoon shyly smiles at Yoongi who's been watching him with a fond look for what feels like years now.
"Good night, hyung. I'm glad you're in my life. Thanks for graduating with me."
Yoongi laughs softly but he purses his lips, obviously trying to hold back a smile, and Namjoon considers that a win. Namjoon's heart is louder than he thinks it's ever been. Louder and louder. Yoongi finally smiles at him.
"I'm glad I got to graduate with you too."
"Are you?" Namjoon leans forward because he wants to see every detail of Yoongi's face, wants to see the fine print of Yoongi's eyebrows and nose and lips—
Jimin screams at him from afar. "Namjoon, come on!"
Yoongi laughs and steps back. "I am."
"Good," Namjoon says giddily. "I don't want to leave." And he means it. He doesn't want to leave, not when he feels as good as he does, not when he wants to stay here with Yoongi and talk to him more and see him more and just be with him more. Namjoon doesn't have Yoongi back at home and he wants to. "We should live together."
"What?"
"NAMJOON, PLEASE," screams Jimin.
"We should live together, Yoongi-hyung."
Yoongi's eyes are wide and his mouth opens and there's nothing to be said, obviously they'll have to talk about this more, but now that Namjoon's said it, he doesn't understand how he didn't say it earlier. Yoongi closes his mouth and rolls his eyes.
It makes sense, is the thing. Jimin and Taehyung are moving out soon. Namjoon needs to look for a new roommate anyway. And Yoongi is looking for one as well. It makes sense and now it's all Namjoon wants.
"We'll talk about this later," he says, voice quiet. There's something else there though. There's something else more. "Go to sleep, Namjoon." Namjoon blinks. "You're tired."
Go to sleep, Namjoon. You're tired.
It's late when Namjoon tells him. Namjoon didn't make any plans to tell him but it built up inside of him for years now and Namjoon knows if he didn't, all the pieces making up the building, making up the thing inside of him would have fallen down and broken into millions of pieces that never should have existed in the first place.
Yoongi will understand, he thinks over and over and over again. He'll understand. It isn't enough. He'll still love you. He'll still care about you.
The admission tumbles out of his mouth before he can stop himself and he can barely even hear himself say the words but he knows what he said and he knows Yoongi heard him, knows Yoongi hears the softly-spoken I'm gay louder than anything else in the room, louder than his own heartbeat even.
Yoongi and Namjoon don’t show too much physical affection to each other often, but Yoongi is hugging him tightly within seconds and Namjoon is too wrapped up in everything else to even return it.
"So, yeah."
"Namjoon."
"It's okay, right, hyung?" Namjoon clenches his jaw. "I mean, I know it's okay, obviously, but it's okay, right? I think I've just built it up to be a bigger deal in my head than it really is. It's just—I spent so much of my life ignoring it. But now I can't anymore. My world is big." He wipes at his own tears, feeling ridiculous for even crying over this. "And I feel small."
"Of course, Namjoon." Yoongi's voice cracks and if this were any other moment, maybe Namjoon would tease him for it, but it isn't, it's this moment, and Yoongi's voice is the stability Namjoon needs right now. "It'll be okay, Joon."
And Namjoon knows that, he knows it'll be okay because all things eventually pass, all things eventually get better or worse, no moment stays the same, but right now, Namjoon is completely torn apart by these emotions, this realization, but saying it out loud makes it better, it made it better, and Yoongi is still holding on tightly.
He never responds and eventually, Yoongi lets go, giving Namjoon more space as his crying finally stops. Namjoon can barely look Yoongi in the eye. He feels completely drained and he wants to drag himself into his bed, hide under the blankets, and fall asleep and not wake up for days.
It's real now. It's real now.
Yoongi's lips are pressed against Namjoon's forehead and he's burning.
"Go to sleep, Namjoon. You're tired."
🌹🌹
The person that Kim Namjoon is in love with is Min Yoongi.
Min Yoongi.
Min. Yoongi. Yoongi.
And if it were anybody else, maybe Namjoon would confess, maybe Namjoon would ask him out on a real date this time, but it's Yoongi and Namjoon doesn't feel brave when it comes to this. He doesn't want to risk anything because Namjoon doesn't want to lose him.
Maybe Taehyung was right.
His life sounds like the plot of a cheesy drama. Namjoon is living in a drama, in love with his best friend and roommate, and Namjoon doesn't know what to do.
Namjoon wishes he could just turn the stupid drama off.
🌹🌹
Yoongi's voice is quiet, but has gruffness to it when he says it, like he's embarrassed but determined. "You're my best friend, you know."
Namjoon looks up from his phone with raised eyebrows. They're supposed to be studying and Namjoon was looking something up he wasn't able to find in his books. Yoongi has been quiet almost this entire time, planning out his essay with a cute frown and pursed lips. Except now Yoongi was looking straight at him, cringing immediately at what he said.
Finally though, "I am?" He quirks his eyebrows even more and his lips twitch with amusement.
"You are. When you aren't being annoying."
"Hmm, I'm never annoying though?"
"You're annoying me right now."
"That's mean, hyung," Namjoon pouts, crossing his arms and sighing dramatically as he leans forward. Yoongi rolls his eyes.
"You're the worst part of university."
"I'm the best part of university."
"Brat."
Namjoon clicks his tongue. "You're being mean again." He smiles anyway though because maybe Yoongi's the best part of university too. Yoongi's the best. "You're my best friend too."
"I am?"
"Yes?"
"Good. I'm a good friend to you, this is deserved on my end."
"Okay, Yoongi-hyung."
"Remember that time I took care of you when you were sick? That's what a good friend does."
"I just called you my best friend, don't make me take it back."
Yoongi laughs.
He has a nice laugh.
🌹🌹
The person that Min Yoongi is in love with is Kim Namjoon.
Kim Namjoon.
Kim. Namjoon. Him.
Yoongi tells him on campus, which Namjoon supposes is at least a bit poetic of their friendship considering it's not the most romantic. Yoongi doesn't even go to school here anymore. He was just visiting Namjoon since Namjoon has been working on his thesis for weeks now and has barely gotten to go home. Yoongi missed him, he says. Yoongi wanted to see him.
And Yoongi—
"Hey, so I really like you."
Namjoon's pencil stops moving. He swallows and glances up. Yoongi is watching him softly. "What?" he asks.
Yoongi takes a deep breath but doesn't reply and Namjoon hears the words again bouncing around in his head. He wishes he could stop time. Yoongi has the innate ability in making Namjoon feel absolutely ridiculous for the smallest of reasons like how fast Namjoon's heart is beating or how sweaty Namjoon's palms feel suddenly.
"I really like you. I've liked you for a long time, Namjoon. More than friends. You're just," Yoongi sighs and collapses even further into his chair, "fucking great, Namjoon."
Namjoon starts laughing almost instantaneously. All this time, all this time, Yoongi has liked him back?
"Yah~" Yoongi complains softly. "Why are you laughing at me?"
Yoongi doesn't even realize. It makes it even funnier, makes every single moment Namjoon's despaired to himself alone in his room over Yoongi funnier, makes every single time Namjoon tried to pretend their closeness was casual and fine and normal funnier.
His laughter stops and Namjoon lets out a big sigh, feeling much more tired than he previously was and it's as if this great weight was lifted off his shoulders and he doesn't have to worry about it anymore. Yoongi likes him back.
"Yoongi, I… I love you too, Yoongi."
It's such a relief to say at this point and it's even better when he sees the subtle changes in expression on Yoongi's face. Shock, confusion, realization, and then. Love.
"Ah, that's not fair."
"What's not fair?"
"I said I liked you to lessen the blow in case you didn't love me back and here you go, telling me you love me first."
"Yeah, but you initiated it." Then it hits Namjoon what Yoongi just said and Namjoon doesn't care about his thesis at all, doesn't care about any of it, and knows that they're safe in their private rooms so Namjoon is standing up before he can stop himself.
Yoongi watches it all happen with wide eyes and stands up awkwardly. "Are you about to kis—"
Namjoon kisses his cheek once and then wraps his arms around him so tightly that Yoongi huffs out a fond laugh.
"I should have realized with how jealous you were of everyone I slept with," Yoongi grumbles into Namjoon's neck.
Namjoon pulls back. He frowns. "I wasn't jealous of that."
"What were you jealous of then?"
Namjoon blinks. "I was jealous that you got to be out and proud. I was jealous that you got to do any of it at all while I just… couldn't even admit it to myself."
Yoongi gives him a long look and Namjoon doesn't wonder what he sees in Namjoon anymore because Namjoon now knows it's what he sees in Yoongi. Yoongi leans forward and hugs him again.
"I'm proud of you then. Always have been. Always will be. I love you."
Namjoon presses himself tighter against Yoongi and lets all of his emotions seep into the hug.
"Thanks, Yoongi. I'm proud of myself too." He buries his face in Yoongi's hair. "Proud of you too. Love you."
They finally pull away with rose-tinted cheeks and Namjoon thinks that his world feels bigger than ever before with Yoongi beside him.
"So, are you going to finish your work or do I have to stay here for six more hours?"
"You're the one that wanted to come to visit me."
"A mistake on my part that won't happen again," Yoongi lies dramatically.
"So, the two of us confessing our love for each other is a mistake?"
"If it means I won't be getting a full night's rest tonight…."
Namjoon rolls his eyes and sits back down, making no move to pack up any of his work as Yoongi stands there and waits expectantly. One minute passes. Namjoon twitches as he erases words he didn't mean to write. Two minutes pass. Yoongi coughs. Three minutes pass.
"Fine! Let's go home!"
Yoongi is grinning maniacally and holding Namjoon's hand the entire time back, but Namjoon is determined to make up for it by hogging all the blankets that night.
He never gets the chance though, and when he wakes up, they're tangled around each other, Yoongi sleeping quietly against his chest, and Namjoon goes back to sleep with a soft smile on his face.
It doesn't matter how big or small the world is.
Namjoon's just glad Yoongi's in his world at all.
🌹🌹