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Lan Xichen hasn’t moved in hours. It wouldn’t be too strange, if he was in meditation, but he doesn’t have a clear enough mind for it.
He knows that Wangji still hopes he’ll come out of seclusion eventually, that he’ll get over what Jin Guangyao did to all of them, did to him, and will resume his position as clan leader.
But the truth is, Lan Xichen knows that’s no longer possible for him. Not to mention that he doesn’t want to do either of these things.
Ever since that night at the temple, something has been wrong with Lan Xichen. And not even just the obvious emotional hurt everyone keeps commenting about.
Lan Xichen had been ready to die with Jin Guangyao; had been willing to just let him drag them both towards the coffin and just get it over with.
Lan Xichen knows no one understands that part; but in his mind there hadn’t been another way. He failed both his sworn brothers, and while he was way too late to do anything for Nie Mingyue, he could still do something for Jin Guangyao.
It would have been a way to repent, too.
But Jin Guangyao had pushed him away at the last moment, had smiled at him with the smile he always had ready for Lan Xichen, and then he was gone.
And now there is nothing left.
Lan Xichen has lost his sworn brothers, his friends, his trust in people, and most importantly, the ability to cultivate.
He hasn’t told anything about that last part yet; he is still not ready to believe it himself.
But ever since that night his golden core feels wrong. Tainted, almost. It’s still there, Lan Xichen knows that much, but he can hardly use it. Getting himself into a state that allows him to meditate proves to be harder than it has any right to be, and Lan Xichen gave up on it a while ago. He’s too tired to fight with his golden core.
He can sit still without meditating, after all.
Wangji still comes by almost daily, despite his many responsibilities as Chief Cultivator. He always brings his guqin, plays Clearing for Lan Xichen tirelessly, but Lan Xichen doesn’t even feel its’ effects anymore. His qi is too changed to react to it.
It’s just a beautiful piece of music.
Lan Xichen wishes Wangji would stop playing it for him; it only brings back the knowledge that Jin Guangyao used this piece of music to kill someone Lan Xichen loved; brings back the knowledge that, no matter how unwittingly, Lan Xichen helped him, by giving him unrestrained access to the Cloud Recesses.
But finding his words is more work than it’s worth, Lan Xichen finds, and so he silently sits through every time Wangji plays the song for him.
In the beginning Lan Xichen was never left alone, suicide watch, he thinks they called it, but it’s been months now, and Wangji and Uncle seem to have relaxed a bit. They only come by for a few hours a day.
Lan Xichen doesn’t have any active plans to end his own life; it will happen sooner or later anyway, he knows. His core might still be there, but it’s wrong, in a way Lan Xichen can’t explain.
He can still use it, can still summon that power he grew so accustomed to over the course of his life, but it’s harder than it has any right to be.
And even when he manages to use it, just for the smallest of things, the power that runs through him turns to ash in his veins.
It’s like his golden core lost the will to live, and Lan Xichen finds that very fitting. It’s not like he has much of a will left, either.