Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Purple Prose from Cellblock 74
(A.K.A. "The Risian Ribald")

by Christina and the VS 7.5 writing staff

 EXTRA!!!!!! 

Nunk stood patiently in the mail call line, knowing that to do anything else would invite snide comments--and he was tired of the cracks the other prisoners continuously made about his lobes. He suspected that was why his brother was always indisposed at mail call.

"Nunk or Blont, you have mail."

Nunk stepped forward and took the package. The Klingon guard snarled something at another prisoner. "From your mother," he said. "Now why would she be sending you such dishonorable material? The warden has okayed it."

Nunk wondered why Blont wanted to read about Voyager. Nunk preferred to forget about that ship--but Blont continued to scheme.

Blont was in their cell when he arrived. "It's been three months and I asked Moogie to send this to us every month." He snatched the PADD. "Well, well...Now she sends us the Anniversary Issue."

"Blont, why do this to us. The hoo-mans have a saying about putting chemicals in open wounds..."

Blont glared at him, and Nunk sat down on his bunk without another word.

Blont grinned. "I was correct, Starfleet has no intention of sharing Voyager's technology with anyone. But, little brother, it's not all in vain." Blont's wicked grin grew. "I have a plan..."

Nunk shivered. Perhaps he should ask the warden for another cell. "Yes, Brother."

"But, right now, Voyager. Get over here and read this to me. This could be very interesting."

Nunk obediently stood and moved closer to take the PADD. "The Risian Ribald? Wouldn't the Federation Daily tell us more?" He didn't duck fast enough. Blont's fist landed on his right lobe. Nunk didn't dare rub it, fearful Blont would strike again. He wished he'd remained a courier for their uncle. At least that job wouldn't have landed him in jail--or at least it was less likely it would have.

He started to read. 

Delta Quadrant Special Report:

Murder, Mayhem and Nanoprobes
by Harmon Brando

A tale of intriguing galactic consequences that Starfleet would prefer remained locked behind the screen of a heroic epic myth.

For eight years Voyager was supposedly lost in the Delta Quadrant. And through apparent use of alien technology, including the Borg transwarp, the ship and her crew miraculously found a way home.

What better story for Starfleet to cover up--it's own illegal research in technology that has been banned at home. Is it more than coincidence that Voyager's return came just months before Starfleet announced they are building three--not one--but three ships capable of transwarp speeds?

Starfleet scientists have been trying to achieve transwarp for years. They believed such technology was vital in their campaign to destroy the Borg. Voyager wasn't lost, but misplaced by this Federation obsession. Unnamed sources have confirmed that nine years ago Voyager had been fitted with what's called a transwarp coil, to take them into Borg Space.

And here's another coincidence. At the moment of her arrival in the Delta Quadrant, the ship's transwarp coil *broke*. It took Voyager eight years to get home. Eight years of searching for a way home, Starfleet says. Yet the transwarp wasn't repaired until AFTER Voyager found the Borg.

And Voyager had nanoprobes designed specifically to mutilate and destroy the Borg drones forever. Bioweapons have been banned by the Federation, and rightly so, yet Voyager had them.

Starfleet is very proud of their *new* Borg technology, but not so proud of how it was REALLY created.

What did Starfleet do that they don't want people to know the truth?

In yet another coincidence, Voyager's entire medical staff and many of their senior scientists *died* early in the voyage. The very people who would have raised the ethical considerations regarding the use such a bioweapon.

A voyage of many coincidences or a voyage of intrigue and secrecy? The cover mission--to capture a renegade Maquis cell in the Badlands--a long way from the Delta Quadrant. Yet on Voyager's return, instead of prosecuting the Maquis, they were all pardoned. Another sham in the torrid tale of lies and deceit.

The Borg are amoral--and to defeat them, Starfleet chose to become like them. What's to stop them from continuing along this dark path?

"I knew there had to be another reason for our illegal imprisonment in the middle of nowhere. We knew the truth," Blont said with a satisfactory smile.

"Proxima prison isn't exactly in the middle..." Nunk didn't finish his sentence. Blont was considered by the family to have excellent lobes for business, and Nunk wasn't about to contradict his family--at least out loud.

"Read the next one," Blont said as he leaned back on his bunk and crossed his arms.

"I have work detail in ten minutes," Nunk said. Blont frowned. Nunk didn't dare say anything else. Blont had not approved of Nunk volunteering--it was not good business, the pay wasn't enough. Nunk had his eye on early parole, not that he'd told Blont that. He saw it as a chance to gain his independence from his brother.

"Read on," Blont snarled.

Nunk obediently went to the next article, and grinned. "Ooooo. Look at those fingers." Blont grabbed the PADD

"Look at the ridges. I do like my women to have ridges. She's only half Klingon. Do you think she's anything like full-blooded Klingon females?" Blont tossed the PADD back to Nunk. "I've heard about this triangle. Vulcans...Bah."

Uncovered: Triangle of Passion

by Jules Aveenez

As we approach the one year anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha quadrant, one has to wonder if there are any stories left to tell. The recent holonovel now occupying the top of the bestseller lists, "The Pilot and the Engineer: A Delta Quadrant Love Affair," is the "unofficial" account of the steamy romance between roguish ex-con turned Starfleet hero Tom Paris and tempestuous half-Klingon Maquis-turned-Starfleet-miracle-worker engineer B'Elanna Torres. In that popular account, passion and temper flare in equal proportion as the two ardent lovers struggle to find their destiny amid the wonders and dangers of the Delta quadrant.

We know how the story ended--in wedded bliss and a now two-year-old daughter, who rumor has it, incorporates the exotic beauty of her mother and the easy charm of her father. But how did it really begin?

 

 
According to the celebrated holonovel, it was the steady and persistent wooing of the hotshot pilot that eventually won over the reluctant engineer. However this intrepid reporter has uncovered additional information that suggests the torrid romance was actually set in motion by a single incident, and by passions born of raging hormones, secret desires, and a mysterious "fever." And it involved not only Paris and Torres but a third member of Voyager's stalwart crew--yes, a veritable TRIANGLE OF PASSION.

The stardate was 50537.2, the setting a planet deep in the Delta Quadrant called Sikari, the mission to locate the mineral galacite in a cave system deep below the planet's surface. Another routine mission according to the official ship's log, but we know that official logs never tell the whole story, or even the best parts of it. Other sources indicate it was a mission gone awry, and it is the medical logs of the ship's loquacious holographic doctor--recently obtained by this determined reporter--that give tantalizing glimpses of what really happened during that "routine" mission. To quote:

"Mister Neelix has fully recovered from his injury sustained in a fall during the away mission on Sikari. But no sooner did I release him from Sickbay than Commander Tuvok called to inform me that three more patients were beaming up from the planet. That old adage--a doctor's work is never done--is so true. I successfully treated Lieutenant Torres' fever, which has now abated. Her serotonin levels are near normal again, and there should be no lasting effects from her experience, other than a slight memory loss due to the fever and her extremely high metabolic rate. And perhaps some embarrassment from the memories she does retain.

"Lieutenant Paris sustained only minor lacerations and bruises, and I released him, though he seemed reluctant to leave Lieutenant Torres. However, his baleful glares at Ensign Vorik were disrupting my concentration--so I threw him out.

"As for the instigator, he sustained various bruises, three broken ribs and a moderate concussion. Ensign Vorik will fully recover, though the best news is that his serotonin level has naturally returned to the minimal level typical of Vulcans. It appears the physical...altercation has cured his condition. I will keep the ensign here overnight for observation, and release him tomorrow.

"Meanwhile, I can finally get back to work on penning my latest opera, now that all is back to normal. I'm extremely grateful this only happens once every seven years."

Once every seven years? That sounds familiar, does it not? Especially when you combine the phrase "every seven years" with the word "Vulcan." And when you consider the following medical log excerpt, recorded just hours before the Sikari mission began:

"I have repaired Ensign Vorik's dislocated jaw. Considering the pinpoint accuracy of Lieutenant Torres's right hook, he's lucky it wasn't broken. Regarding the ensign's underlying, uh...condition, I have little experience in that area. I have administered medication to regulate his serotonin levels, which will hopefully correct the chemical imbalance. According to Commander Tuvok, intense meditation is one method of dealing with the ensign's condition. We certainly can't return to Vulcan, and allowing the ensign to approach any more unsuspecting officers isn't an option. In the meantime, I am reviewing all medical records dealing with this condition in the hope of finding other answers should the meditation be insufficient to overcome the ensign's problem."

Was Ensign Vorik simply having a very bad day? Or, dare we utter the obvious words that by now are humming in our brains...Pon Farr? Yes, that secret "condition," that Vulcan mating urge, which strikes every seven years. Though little is known about its biochemical nature due to those spoilsport Vulcans, perhaps we now know one more fact about the notorious Pon Farr--IT'S CONTAGIOUS!

After all, can it be a coincidence that after an altercation with Ensign Vorik in his "condition," Lieutenant Torres suddenly developed an unexplained "fever"? That they both had highly elevated serotonin levels? And consider the doctor's concern that Ensign Vorik not approach any other unsuspecting officers. Can there be any doubt that Ensign Vorik tried to initiate Pon Farr--oh, please, can we just call that Vulcan for "incredible, mind-blowing(literally)sex"?--with Lieutenant Torres, who rejected him but soon found herself infected by the same desperate urge to mate? And that the object of her affection was none other than the apparently irresistible Lieutenant Paris?

This principled reporter is truly loath to spread unsubstantiated rumors, so I contacted several sources who spoke with me on the condition of anonymity. Said one source, "When Neelix was injured, the bridge received an urgent call from Lieutenant Paris. It's rumored that one of the things he said was that Lieutenant Torres had bitten him."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the more unusual mating customs in the galaxy, Klingons indicate their attraction and initiate sexual relations by biting each other on the cheek. Lieutenant Torres obviously showed no hesitation in marking her man, and we can all guess what followed in those dark, secluded caves. What red-blooded human male would refuse such an offer!

But there is still more to tell! This astute reporter initially assumed that the physical altercation on Sikari took place between Ensign Vorik and Lieutenant Paris, both fighting for the right to mate (or in the case of Paris, mate again) with the lusty half-Klingon engineer. But another source had this to say:

"It was all very hush-hush after the incident on Sakari, but word spread that a Klingon really can beat up a Vulcan."

At the very least, it appears a half-Klingon female in a mating frenzy can! And hold the shuttle just a minute here!! One now wonders, why was Lieutenant Torres fighting Ensign Vorik? Could it possibly be that the ensign, rejected by his first choice, transferred his affections to another...to one Lieutenant Paris? Since Vulcans fight for the right to mate, it is the logical conclusion. Though Lieutenant Torres was the original object of Ensign Vorik's lust, clearly in the end Lieutenant Paris became the object of desire for both, and Lieutenant Torres won him in a fair fight (or not so fair--what do we care?!). One can be sure Lieutenant Paris didn't object either!

This fair-minded reporter made a sincere effort to allow the primary participants to set the record straight and deny these obvious conclusions, if they could. Lieutenant Paris refused to comment (though he laughed, no doubt in a fruitless effort to throw off suspicion), Commander Torres threatened bodily injury (this seasoned reporter is used to such intimidation), and Ensign Vorik also declined to comment.

There you have it. Clearly, the parties refused to comment because the facts could not be denied. And now you know the entire true story of the "greatest romance in the Delta Quadrant." Lieutenant Torres won Lieutenant Paris in a fight, and though their relationship was alternately testy, it's clear she never intended to let her prize go!

That's the uncovered truth for this month.

Next month in Uncovered..."EPIDEMIC!" Could the Vulcan Pon Farr spread throughout the Alpha quadrant, infecting billions with the compelling urge to mate now...and would this really be a bad thing? Join this enterprising reporter next month and find out!

Jules Aveenez is an award-winning reporter for the Risian Ribald. He has won the ASC (Alternative Scribes of Choice) Reporters Award for his expose on Berengaria's dragon adoption industry called "Can a Dragon Cry Real Tears?"
as well as second place in the Romantic Liaisons Festival for his undercover report on secret Betazoid mating rituals. He travels extensively, wandering fearlessly into war zones, unfriendly empires, and hostile territory to uncover the truth. He also proudly holds the record for the most revoked visas in the Federation, including the Rigel Colonies, Berengaria VII, Betazed...and Vulcan.

"Contagious? Pon Farr is contagious?" Blont said. Nunk stifled a groan. He could just imagine the direction his brother's mind was heading.

"We can't. We're in here."

"Maybe not," Blont said with a smile. "I have friends. The ultimate aphrodisiac. Everyone will want to buy. We'll be rich..."

Nunk rolled his eyes. "Let me read the next one." He hoped that this might distract his brother from anymore scheming. A quick glance told him it would only worsen the matter. He read this one to himself. He then scanned the rest of the PADD hoping their mom had sent him other such ads. Blont didn't notice the extended silence.

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Nunk moved quickly to the next article. This one sounded particularly unpleasant, in a pleasant sort of way.  

Delta Quadrant Exclusive:

Pleasure Palace or House of Horrors?
by Nado Tathet

Taresia. The very name sounds like it should evokes pleasure. And an initial description could equate this planet of beautiful babes to Risa.

With the recent confirmation of the Delta Quadrant Exploratory Fleet, could Taresia become the Risa of the Delta Quadrant? U.S.S Voyager's only encounter with the women of Taresia is a titillating tale of tempting treats: the male fantasy come true.

On the surface that is just what it sounds like--the lucky man gets his choice of sexual partners (yes, plural) and promises of pleasure and delight. But, before every male enlists in Starfleet, this is a cautionary tale. The old adage, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, definitely is true in this case.

The Taresian women are the Courting Widow Tresk of the Delta Quadrant. They entice the male of the species to their lair and eat them in a peculiar process of mating, the male's DNA is collected in a pouch off the digestive tract.
 

 

 The Taresian women strip the DNA out of their mates, leaving behind a rotting corpse.

But the story gets worse. They are also brilliant scientists who have genetically engineered a virus to incorporate Taresian DNA into a male host. They have the capability to turn any humanoid male into a potential mate.

A kind of *love bug* that found its way onto Voyager. Poor Ensign Harry Kim (now Lieutenant, j.g.), perhaps the unluckiest man in love, thought it was Paradise. Having been infected with this modified virus, he became the Taresian's willing plaything...Just barely escaping with his life, after he discovered just what the hedonistic pleasures his Taresian brides had planned for him. Lucky man if maybe a little wiser.

When asked about the encounter, the only one who would talk about the subject was Voyager's enigmatic Emergency Medical Hologram, Dr. Mark Zimmerman. He went on to explain in great detail the nature of the manufactured virus--and promised that his tenth article on Delta Quadrant medicine to be published in the prestigious Federation Journal of Medicine would be about the Taresians. Lieutenant Harry Kim refused to talk about the incident.

"That's creepy. Females..." Blont grinned lasciviously. "I bet they do great oo-mox though."

"I don't like how they do it," Nunk retorted.

"Whatever. Are there any Vulcans here?"

"Vulcans don't get thrown in jail," Nunk replied.

"Maybe someone on the staff. Find out," Blont ordered. "Continue reading."

 Special Report: Murder in the Delta Quadrant?

by Amalia X. Perabody
the Ribald's Prize-Winning Ace Investigative Reporter

Relatives of the lost crew of the science vessel "Equinox," destroyed by Delta Quadrant aliens who attacked and almost wiped out Voyager, wonder why Captain Janeway and her crew were unable to save more of the science vessel's crew when the smaller vessel crossed their path over four years ago.

Alvin Burke wants to know what really happened to his brother, Lt. Commander Maxwell Burke, who lost his life on the Equinox. "Why is Starfleet covering up the facts? We know more of the crew had survived up to that point, including my brother, but Janeway, her crew, and even the five rescued from the Equinox are all keeping quiet. What are they hiding?"

Attempts by this reporter to speak to the former crew members of the Equinox were rebuffed. Noah Lessing and Angelo Tessoni refused to be interviewed. Only after a long search was one Equinox crewman located, in Proxima Prison in the Alpha Centauri system, in the midst of serving 29 days on drunk and disorderly charges. James Morrow refused to comment about the circumstances of his conviction on Alpha Centauri.

Most disturbing of all, Crewmen Brian Sofin and Marla Gilmore have not only left Starfleet, they also have disappeared without a trace.

The five former crew members of the Equinox all received General Discharges. While not the same as a dishonorable discharge, our legal expert Davis Heron notes that a General Discharge is "less than honorable." Since Morrow refused to explain what the reasons and terms of his discharge were, even to Alpha Centauri court officials, Heron suggests that his silence, as well as that of the other members of the crew, may have been bought by threats of prosecution if the terms of their departure from Starfleet become known.

Persistent, although unsubstantiated rumors have circulated for over a year now that a murder was committed on the Equinox. Whether this was before or after that ship's fateful meeting with Voyager has not been clarified.

The silence about what really happened to the Equinox--and to the missing crew members--can only lead to unhealthy speculation about why the rest of the Equinox crew was apparently abandoned by Captain Janeway. Even if Starfleet's fair-haired girl Kathryn Janeway's reputation might be tarnished by the truth's being told, the public has a right to know the complete story of how each member of the lost crew met his or her fate.

"I know I'll never see my husband again," laments Sylvia Ransom, widow of the Equinox's well-regarded Captain Rudolph Ransom, who was lost with his ship. "If only I could learn the full story of what happened to him, I'm sure it would ease my mind."

"Most curious," Nunk said when he finished. "That Ensign Gilmore had such lovely fingers."

Blont shook his head. "Brother, you need to think about how we're going to turn a profit in here."

"I'd rather think about the luscious B'Elanna...or that Borg, Seven. Yum, her attributes...

"Nunk! Read."

Talk of the Quadrant
by WinChel Hedlou
exclusive to the Risian Ribald

Your Humble Correspondent has spent the last few weeks on the lovely planet Earth, reveling in the natural beauties and scenic wonders (most of whom are found trolling the tropical beaches) and catching up on all the latest dish from the heart of the Federation. And believe you me, there is enough dish for a banquet! Yes, indeed, tongues are wagging about the crew of the USS Voyager and their amorous adventures in the other side of the galaxy.

For all the dangers the Delta Quadrant offered, it appears that the isolation and peril provided a jump start to the libido of the stalwart Starfleeters, mysterious Maquis and assorted aliens they met along the way. Mum was the word while the ship was still far from home, but now that they are safely back, the sizzling details are proving too hot to keep under wraps any longer!

And for Dessert... Rumor has it that the ship's cook was serving up more than just meals in the mess hall. The way Your Humble Correspondent heard the story, the inventive chef kept not one, but two feminine companions smiling in the kitchen during the eight year journey. Ah, but don't jump to that conclusion yet--apparently the happy helpers were sequential, not concurrent. (It was a very small kitchen!) The story goes that first one was an elfin beauty who, alas, did not survive the perilous trip. The second is a coy ex-drone who caught the grieving gastronomic guru on the rebound. No wonder Voyager's crew talks about the spicy food on the ship!

Location, Location, Location... Those close to the Voyager crew are quietly speculating about a certain couple whose passionate play made deck nine, section twelve THE place for romance on Voyager. There are those who wonder (privately, of course) whether the couple can maintain the same intensity of ardent amore away from the indulgent confines of Voyager. Is this a flame doomed to burn itself out, or the Real Deal? Your Humble Correspondent will continue to follow this story.

Talk About Sophisticated Programming... When it was spring on Voyager, even holograms lightly turned to thoughts of love. Intimate idylls abounded in a certain re-creation of an Irish village, but the ruler of romance among the photonic set was a certain healer who reportedly dispensed more than just medical care! Among his alleged conquests are a physician, a mathematician, an opera diva, a soldier and a professor--each from different Delta Quadrant worlds. Now, that's what Your Humble Correspondent calls taking care of what ails you!

Puppy Love... When love was in the air, not even the youngsters on Voyager proved immune. The adults looked on as the two teens on board--a Ktarian cutie and another ex-drone--discovered the agonies and ecstasies of Young Love. Word has it that cooler heads intervened before things progressed much beyond tender feelings, before the young ones could find out if it was True Love or merely propinquity. Now that they are both on Earth again, we look forward to future reports.

Don't Play Poker With... If the old adage "Lucky at cards, unlucky at love" is true, then you don't want to play poker with a certain former Ops officer. He hasn't found Miss Right yet, but it's not for lack of trying! Deep in the Delta Quadrant, he pursued a hologram, a life-sucking alien, the wrong twin, an ex-Borg, not just one but two terrorists, and last but not least, a suspected murderess. Rumors are rampant that the last heartless hussy left him practically at the altar. Hope may spring eternal, but word is that the poor man is now disillusioned to the point of foreswearing any more affaires du coeur. Your Humble Correspondent finds this too sad to contemplate. Surely, ladies, one of you can restore this gallant guy's faith in the power of the heart?

Love Conquers All?... If Cupid has an arch enemy, it must be the spectre of the evil Career Conflict. Those in the know are beginning to wonder if the relationship of a certain former starship captain and her former first officer is running aground on the shoals of competing priorities. The passionate pugilist is said to be on track for a very different career path than his ambitious lady love. Or perhaps it's simply that his affinity for blondes has resurfaced? Your Humble Correspondent will keep eyes fixed on San Francisco in coming months to see if Love triumphs or is K-O'ed in the final round.

That's all for now, friends and lovers. Your Humble Correspondent will be back next month so you can hear the Talk of the Quadrant.

Nunk reread that article to himself. Blont had closed his eyes and was deep in thought. Nunk hated that look. He started to read the next article. "Hey, it's about us!"

Blont stood quickly. "Give me that." Nunk relinquished the PADD. Someone knew their story. Maybe, Moogie could get them out of here.

 Risian Ribald Exclusive:  Misplaced Alliances
Tirmo Bresnel


Six months ago, when I was approached by representatives from the Ferengi government to investigate the apparent illegal arrest and incarceration of two Ferengi businessmen, Blont and Nunk. It took months to actually find the trial record. It had been heavily edited, but imagine my surprise to learn two interesting facts.

1. Their accomplices were apparently Romulan Pirates.

2. Their target was Voyager.

An interesting target--and apparently one these two had tried to nab before. The information on the first attempt on Voyager are very sketchy. These two seem to have exposed some serious lapses in Starfleet intelligence and security--so it's no wonder anyone in Starfleet is willing to talk. The last attempt was very brazen and public. Witnesses at Deep Space Nine were more than willing to discuss what they saw, especially the furious Ferengi Bartender Quark. "Those two give Ferengi businessmen a bad name."

I informed the representative, who was not pleased with my results. The Ferengi government is still convinced that Starfleet is holding the brothers illegally.

I then tried to find out more about these Romulan pirates. The new Romulan ambassador to the Federation, Ambassador Ralurm, was most unhappy at my insistence, but eventually she did say that the pirates had been dealt with. In true Romulan style, she refused to reveal their identity, implying that these pirates probably had some high-level help and were probably in no shape to talk to anyone. Never the less, I was denied entry into Romulan space.

Prison authorities denied me permission to interview Blont and Nunk, so I tried speaking to relatives. Their mother was most cooperative, but did not know why her "dear sons" were in prison.

I get the usual platitudes from the many officials I contacted, like "The Romulan government stands behind our alliance with the Federation."

But do they? After years of open hostility, just why did the Romulans suddenly agree to ally themselves with the Federation? Was the government truly involved? What do the Romulans hope to gain from this alliance?

(To be continued in next week's Risian Ribald)

"Well?" Nunk asked when his brother finished. "What happens next?"

There were several seconds of silence, then Blont grunted. "Females! Moogie didn't send the continuation. I hadn't heard anyone wanted to interview us. I'll have to speak to the warden." He handed the PADD back to Nunk. "You need to go clean latrines, or whatever you do. I'm going to think for a while."

Nunk placed the PADD on the table. He signaled the guard to let him out. As the heavy door opened, Blont said, very quietly. "And don't forget about the Vulcans."