Chapter Text
Would you be everything you wanted in a lover and an accomplice, could you be her?
Focus on the breath…
The dying crackle of Xie Lian's doorbell was a welcome interruption from his morning meditation, and he leapt to his feet without bothering to reground himself. Stress from all angles - his cousin's bail, increasing hostility on social media, and his own diminishing back account - had made his attempt to shut off the whir of his thoughts all but impossible, and no matter what nightmare might be greeting him at seven in the morning, he was certain it would be better than the pitfalls his mind was offering him right now. He stumbled down the stairs, foot catching on the nail that stuck dangerously out of the second step, and lifted his leg to suck on his toe even as he opened the door, blinking the sting of surprised tears out of his eyes.
"Can I help...San Lang?"
San Lang - or Hua Cheng, as he was known to anyone who owned a television set and didn't fall for his prank introduction party trick - stood tall in Xie Lian's battered doorway, immaculate as ever despite the early hour. A bouquet of flowers, twice as wide as the back it was poorly hidden behind, was clutched in his hand, and his one eye swooped over Xie Lian's flexing form, lips parting in surprise until he recovered himself and smiled, radiant and warm.
"Good morning, gege."
After a few moments, Xie Lan remembered to release his toe from the grip of his mouth.
"What are you doing here?"
"Can't I take my beau to breakfast?" Hua Cheng winked, brandishing the flowers. "For you, dear. I can wait while you get changed."
Xie Lian sputtered, hiding his face in the fragrance and breathing deeply in an attempt to control his embarrassment. He'd almost forgotten meeting Hua Cheng on the street on Friday, tipsy and depressed, and pouring out his woes in a nearby park, dragging his feet along the sand beneath the swings. The memory was hazy, like a dream of burdens lifted, and when Hua Cheng had offered to boost his public reputation by pretending to date him for a while, Xie Lian had taken it for the joke it ought to have been, laughing and shaking his head.
"Rather than boost my reputation, I'd only drag you down," Xie Lian remembered saying. He hadn’t looked to see Hua Cheng's reaction. "That is, if anyone even believed you'd date a lowlife like me."
Evidently, Hua Cheng had decided to prove him wrong. He followed Xie Lian into his house, taking off his shoes while Xie Lian searched for something to put the flowers in. It was almost sad, really - he'd never been gifted anything so extravagant and beautiful by the people he'd actually dated. Hua Cheng’s tailored jacket, luxuriously crimson, looked even brighter against the faded beige of Xie Lian’s couch, and Xie Lian couldn’t help but cringe. He seemed comfortable enough, lounging against it with his legs crossed and arms splayed over the back, but Xie Lian couldn’t help but imagine his wince; that his display of casual ease was just that, hiding a careful balancing act to avoid the aged and dubious stains.
A chipped pitcher was all Xie Lian could find, and he stuffed the flowers precariously into it, making a desperate attempt to prevent the weight of the bouquet from crushing itself by rearranging the outer layers. When it seemed as if it could stand up on its own, he stood back, offering Hua Cheng an uncertain smile.
“Did you say...breakfast? San Lang, I thought you were joking when you said -” Xie Lian cut himself off, too embarrassed to even utter the phrase pretend to be my boyfriend . Hua Cheng was entirely unruffled.
“I don’t joke about important things, ge ge. I'd be happy to help in any way. Something small like this is really no trouble for me."
Xie Lian shook his head. There was nothing small about going public with a relationship, even a fake one, when one of the parties involved was Hua Cheng. His name was on everyone's lips - as a bachelor, a talented actor and an entrepreneur. And when the 'boyfriend' in question was Xie Lian…
"I can't drag you down with me," he insisted. "I'm grateful, believe me - so grateful. But it would be better for you not to associate with me right now."
Mu Qing had said as much - that it would be better for everyone not to associate with Xie Lian now that his academic and online spheres of influence had merged into one, all focused on the mistakes he had made as a teenager. It had hurt to hear it from him, as someone who had been there when those mistakes were made, who had pulled him out of the wreckage of the car and sobered him up with a dunk in the river, but there was no doubt that he was right. Xie Lian was bad news for the university and his friends, and he would be for as long as he remained in the public eye.
It would be better for him to fade into obscurity. Someone like Hua Cheng, who was followed even while grocery shopping, should forget about him entirely.
Xie Lian had gotten so caught up in his thinking that he didn't notice Hua Cheng stand. It was only when he felt a hand clasp his own that he looked up, and when he did Hua Cheng's gaze was fierce and intense. The man had been accused of overacting before in reviews quickly shot down by enthusiastic fans, but it had taken Xie Lian less than a month to realise that there was nothing feigned about Hua Cheng’s intensity. If anything, the silver screen dampened him; Xie Lian had never been able to stand his ground under the sincerity in his eye. He could already feel himself wilting - from a selfish point of view he had no reason to refuse anyway, since Hua Cheng was offering him a huge favour, and the thought of that fire directed towards him, even in fantasy, made him a little weak at the knees.
“I want to associate with you. Even you can’t persuade me otherwise,” he said, and Xie Lian choked on a sigh. “Besides, it would be good for me, too. I’m sick of being known as a bachelor.”
“I hadn’t even thought about that. Your fans are going to want to kill me...there’s no way they will think I’m good enough for you,” Xie Lian laughed weakly.
“I’m the only judge of that,” Hua Cheng replied seriously, his gaze lowered. He spoke as if Xie Lian was a god or king he had to state his case to, when Xie Lian felt like he was the one who should be judged. Then he smiled, his features transforming once more into someone light hearted and mischievous. “I'll decide after breakfast, though. Hurry and get changed - I'm hungry."
Xie Lian couldn't help but laugh as he trotted up the stairs, pulling out the nicest clothes he could find to dress in. Hua Cheng had expensive taste, and he was dressed finely, so there was no chance he could get away with his usual faded slacks and oversized jumpers. Eventually he found his one pair of 'good' trousers, throwing on a shirt three sizes too big that Pei Ming had donated to him and hurrying back down. He was halfway out of the door when Hua Cheng called him back.
"Ge ge, your cane."
He made the perfect picture of the concerned partner, standing in the doorway and brandishing Xie Lian's walking cane, his brow furrowed in disapproval. Xie Lian tugged at the bun he had put his hair into, squirming.
"Are you sure..? If you get seen or photographed and I'm using it…"
"Then they'll know I'm a responsible lover, making sure you don't strain your joints. Don't think I didn't see that flex when you answered the door. It's not good for you."
The word 'lover' fell from his lips like it belonged there, and Xie Lian had to take a moment to admire Hua Cheng's acting skills. He really was born to be a star. Thousands of people, maybe more, would kill to be in Xie Lian's shoes right now, and they didn't even know the San Lang that stood in front of him.
Blessings were few and far between in Xie Lian’s life; he shouldn’t treat them lightly, especially when they were offered with such tenderness. He smiled, taking the offered cane, and allowed Hua Cheng to place his hand on his back as he guided him out of the door.
Why Hua Cheng had insisted he bring a cane was a mystery. He had barely made it onto the pavement when he was ushered into a smart black car, and Hua Cheng’s driver, a silent, sunglassed fellow with an unchanging expression, drove them right to the door of the cafe before speeding off.
“It’s not good for the environment to drive such small distances,” Xie Lian commented, and Hua Cheng bowed in apology, his lips coming close to the top of Xie Lian’s head.
...Why had Xie Lian never noticed how tall he was?
“Then we’ll walk next time. I was only excited to get here.”
“Ahah...it’s fine, San Lang, don’t worry about it. What is this place? I’ve never been.”
“Me neither. I wanted to try somewhere new with you. I hope it’s good.”
Already the staff were whispering. Hua Cheng was unmistakable, even when forgoing the false eye he wore for his roles. Xie Lian, on the other hand, was a nobody - or at least he had been until his informational videos had been featured on the news. Now he was known at best as a quack scholar, and at worst as a criminal. He hoped that the furtive glances towards him were questioning his status, rather than in any form of recognition. Hua Cheng seemed to be paying them no mind, but after a moment he bent low, murmuring in Xie Lian’s ear.
“Do you mind it? I can say something.”
Xie Lian shook his head. He’d grown used to worse in the past month. Hua Cheng continued to stay by his ear, his breath tickling Xie Lian’s lobe and making him shiver.
“May I be familiar with you? I don’t want to overstep, but since this is our first outing as a ‘couple’...”
This time Xie Lian nodded, fighting to keep the blush from rising in his cheeks. The cafe was unseasonably warm, after all, and one of the employees had taken her phone out, not-so-subtly letting the camera peek out from between her fingers.
“Of course - I’ll tell you if you make me uncomfortable, but I really don’t think you could,” he replied softly. As if he had been challenged, Hua Cheng quirked an eyebrow and smiled, and the hand on the small of Xie Lian’s back dipped a little lower.
“Alright, then,” he said, dropping a kiss against Xie Lian’s temple before straightening up. Gratefully, one of the waitresses gasped so Xie Lian didn’t have to. He stuck close to Hua Cheng instead, hiding his face in the sleeve of his blazer as they were seated, and Hua Cheng kept up the act all the way to their seats, grin wide and revelling in Xie Lian’s touch.
“You’re really too good at this…” Xie Lian muttered, using the menu as a shield from prying eyes. Hua Cheng laughed, reaching across the table to take his hand.
“I’m having fun. Are you?”
‘No, I’m not. I don’t see how any of this can be fun for me or you,’ was what Xie Lian intended to say, but then he caught sight of Hua Cheng’s eye. He was watching him closely, and Xie Lian caught a flash of vulnerability that tugged at his heart strings. For whatever reason, the answer really mattered to Hua Cheng.
It wasn’t Hua Cheng that was making the experience uncomfortable, anyway. If he thought about it, he’d been so preoccupied with the ludicrosity of the situation that he hadn’t had time to wallow in his difficulties ever since Hua Cheng showed up at his door. He’d even laughed more genuinely than he had in a long time.
“...Yes, I’m having fun,” Xie Lian replied, and found that it wasn’t a lie. Even if it was, it would have been worth it, because Hua Cheng squeezed his hand tighter, the corner of his mouth lifting with delight, and Xie Lian heard the soft tap-tapping of his toes against the floor.
“I’m glad. What are you going to order?”
A recent profile in a popular magazine had identified Hua Cheng as an avid meat-lover, but the cafe he had picked out for breakfast was vegan. Xie Lian couldn’t decide between two meals, and Hua Cheng ordered both for them to share, as well as a pot of jasmine tea. As the waitress walked away, their order and an autograph in hand, Xie Lian shook his head in disbelief.
“Why are you single..?” The wonder was apparent in his voice. “You’re obviously the perfect boyfriend, and there are so many people who’ve expressed interest... Or is it all easier, since it’s pretend?”
Hua Cheng's smile faltered, making Xie Lian's stomach drop.
"It's no different for me."
"Then why…?"
"I'm waiting for someone."
"Someone specific, or..?"
Hua Cheng smiled, benevolent and enigmatic, his fingers dancing across the back of Xie Lian's palm. He had always been like this, saying things with weight and then skirting around the meaning, as if Xie Lian was supposed to be able to figure out his secrets by himself. He leaned forward, intending to push him, but then processed the words more fully and gasped, slamming his hand, along with Hua Cheng's, down on the table.
Hua Cheng's eye widened, his shoulders squaring.
"Does that mean you've never dated, San Lang?"
He slumped, looking up at Xie Lian through one sorrowful eye, "Is that so strange?"
"Of course it is! You're so popular, how are your standards so high that you've never dated..? Even I -" Hua Cheng slumped further, and Xie Lan changed track, seeing that his words were only stressing him out more. "Well - I just mean - isn't it a shame that this is your first experience? You deserve something good, and…"
Real , Xie Lian didn't say. Their food arrived, and Hua Cheng pushed his plate towards Xie Lian, his smile returning.
"Well then, I suppose you'll have to make it good, won't you? My standards are exacting, but I think that you can meet them."
The heat of the café rushed to Xie Lian's head again, and he laughed, ducking nervously into his salad.
"I hope so…"
Talk shifted to lighter things while they ate, Hua Cheng shuffling his chair closer and feeding Xie Lian from his fork, and they hashed out the details of the arrangement.
"I can't steal your first kiss…"
"I'm not that innocent, ge ge."
"Oh - well - in that case…"
"It will probably be necessary for the act. We can work up to it, but it's no trouble for me."
"San Lang, you really are too much…"
Hua Cheng's driver arrived within twenty minutes of them finishing their meals, and he held Xie Lian's hand all the way to the door, opening it for him in spite of Xie Lian's protests. He drew the line at being escorted to campus - inferiority complexes abounded at the university, and Hua Cheng’s success would only fuel their irritation with Xie Lian.
“Isn’t there anything I can do for you there?” Hua Cheng asked, and perhaps Xie Lian had settled into his role too quickly, because his urge to comfort resulted in his hand cupping Hua Cheng’s cheek, and Hua Cheng leaned into the touch as if it was the most natural and comforting thing in the world.
“There are some things I have to handle alone. You’re already doing so much for me, and really, just knowing I have your support in spite of everything is already a big help. You’re the only one who’s offered me anything, and for it to be something so big…”
Hua Cheng’s hand found Xie Lian’s wrist, holding him in position against his cheek and squeezing.
“It’s not ‘in spite’ of anything ge ge. It’s because of a lot of things. Something trivial like this is no more than you deserve.”
How embarrassing, Xie Lian thought, to feel his throat tighten in the back of Hua Cheng’s car at such a sentiment. He hadn’t felt like he deserved anything in a long time now. Hua Cheng spoke with such certainty though, and his hand lingered on Xie Lian’s wrist as they bade each other goodbye. Xie Lian thought that maybe, if Hua Cheng believed it, he might deserve this.