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Tony entered his penthouse, feeling exhausted. The meeting in San Francisco had taken longer than he had expected, and with the trip back to New York he felt like all of his energy had been drained out of him for the day. He had a vague idea of what had happened while he was away.
He knew a group of aliens known as the ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ had made contact with the new SHIELD. He knew Pepper had made a deal with the Chinese manufacturers for discounts on raw material. Bruce had sent him three new equations toward their research in-
“I am Groot.” What the fuck. Giant tree-like alien. Plant alien. Huh.
“Tony Stark.”
“I am Groot.”
“Yeah, sure am.”
“I am Groot.”
“Maybe. I mean I’ve had a few heartaches. First Pepper, then Bruce- I mean it was all mutual but I’m no longer a one night kind of guy.”
“I am Groot.”
“Maybe.”
“I am Groot.” A flower bloomed on his shoulder.
“Again with let me think about it.”
“I am Groot.”
“Yeah, we can talk.”
“Tony have you seen-“ Steve said as he came in with a small entourage.
“Tony, what the hell are you doing?” Bruce added at the same time.
“Having a conversation.”
“We are Groot.”
“It’s a bit too early for that, don’t you think? I mean, we just met.”
“Did Groot just proposition you in front of us?” Of course Bruce would catch on to that.
“Jealous Bruce?”
“No, but Tony the others-“
“Go ahead and tell them. I mean it’s not like they won’t find out.”
“Is anyone telling us what’s going on?”
“Sure thing, Spudlord.”
“It’s Star-What the fuck just came out of your head?!”
“A frond.”
“Thanks, Brucie.”
“A what?” Tony was about to explain the intricate nature of his anatomy when Groot moved and his attention was on him again.
“I am Groot.”
“Hey, get away from her! It’s too early for that part of the relationship.”
“Do I need to shoot anyone?” Clint asked, completely perplexed.
“Okay. Listen up everyone. I, Tony Stark, am part fern. That over there is my fern parent.”
“You mean you’re part chlorophyll?”
“Yeah.”
“This is weird.”
“Says the supersoldier with a frozen boyfriend.”
“Bucky is not my-“
“Enough!” Gamora and Natasha called. She and Natasha looked at each other. It looked like the start of a beautiful friendship there.
“I am Groot.”
“Fine! I’ll go on a date.” His frond completed unfurling. He pulled it out and gave it to Groot. Groot ate it. Groot took his shoulder flower and gave it to him. When in Rome. Tony ate it.
“We are Groot.”
“Not yet, not until the third date at least.”
“I am Groot.”
“Next Tuesday. Got it.”
“Groot.” Groot left the penthouse, followed by his friends.
“Tony!” He called back, because why not.
“Tony?”
“What I’m part fern. Get over it. I mean aside from occasionally finding flora sexy it doesn’t really make different from anyone else.”
“You were birthed by a fern.” Bruce reminded him.
“That means I can kill Macbeth.”
“So can I. Caesarian, after three days of labor.” Clint added. That earned him a glare. Bruce was eyeing his dick.
“No dick-fronds, Bruce.”
“I wasn’t-“ Bruce blushed.
“Dick-fronds?” Natasha asked, a brow raised.
“None of your business.” Tony replied.
“Tony, this has serious implications to the team. Medically too.” Steve started.
“Seriously, being part fern is in no way useful or dangerous. I can produce fronds and photosynthesize –which is less useful than it sounds.”
“Okay, look. I understand this is odd. But I’m tired, hungry and want to sleep for another three days. We’ll talk about it later. Tomorrow or whatever. I’m going to sleep and I have to plan for a date.”
“Tony!”
“Ask Bruce what you want. We dated for a while. Tomorrow. Sleep first.”
“Okay.” Tony heard Clint ask before he closed his bedroom door. “What’s with the dick-frond comment? What’s a frond” he went to bed.
He needed the rest. He had a date to plan.