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"Yagami Light," Near quietly addressed. "Why did you become Kira?"
Those words spared on a complete silence. That wasn't surprising in the slightest, Near thought, but it somehow still managed to chill him.
Light Yagami was lucky—or unlucky, depending on how you look at it—that Matsuda didn't kill him with his rapid gunfire. True, had Ide and Aizawa not held him back he would've shot Light in the head and finished the job, but perhaps it was best he didn't. To Near, it was obvious he was acting out on his emotions. Once he calmed down and realized he killed Light Yagami, well, Near didn't think Matsuda would've been able to live with himself.
And because of this (un)luckiness, Light Yagami survived. Kira survived. He was in a hospital bed; had you not known what transpired, you would be perplexed to see him here. He looked fine, since most of the gunshots were concentrated in his torso.
Of course, though, you're not given pity when you're Kira, even if you were shot six times. Once Light was healthy again, he was most certainly going to be sent to prison for life—or executed. It seemed the government was still deciding.
How ironic would it be, to give Kira the death penalty?
And yet the thought of Kira—No, Light Yagami—being executed made Near feel a little sick.
He told himself it was the guilt that came with his job as the new L. Sending somebody off to their death because he caught them; technically Light's death would be his fault. But he deserved it, didn't he? Near was confused why he felt like it was wrong. Maybe it was because L had told him Light was his first "real friend"—possibly a lie, but if it were, why did L tell everyone at Wammy's House that? The idea that Near was killing L's only friend felt bad, to say the least.
"Hm?"
Near was snapped back to reality by Light's quiet hum. It was icily calm, and held a vague sense of contempt in it. Not surprising, considering Near had caught him.
He was probably still mad about that; he was probably still annoyed at their earlier conversation that took place only moments ago. Light had asked, clearly surprised and vexed, why Near had come to visit him.
"To lecture me? To pronounce your victory?" he had said, his voice dripping with an accusatory tone.
But that wasn't what Near was here for.
"I came to visit. That's all."
"That can't be your only reason. That would imply you care about me."
Light's words had caught Near off guard, because...
Did he?
But why would he care about Light, a mass murderer? A crazy serial killer? Kira?
He killed L. He killed Mello. He killed Matt. He should hate him with every fiber of his being. he had never felt hate before—that burning sensation of pure anguish and rage that Mello must've felt constantly—and he expected himself to feel it now, being faced with the man who killed everyone Near had even slightly cared about.
But he felt nothing.
Well, that's not the right way to put it. Something felt wrong, to be exact. Off. As if he should be feeling an emotion he wasn't, or that he was feeling and emotion he should'nt. Near had never been good with feelings or expressing emotions, and it proved to be more frustrating now more than ever.
Near snapped back to the present.
"Why did you become Kira?" Near repeated. When met with several seconds of silence, he added, "you knew what you were doing was wrong, and yet you kept doing it. Why? We're you just that much of an egomaniac, that you truly believed you were an untouchable God?"
Light let out a short, raspy laugh—a result of being shot in the chest. "I knew you wouldn't leave without insulting me first."
I wasn't trying to, Near wanted to reply, but the words buried themselves in his throat.
"Why did I become Kira?" Light reiterated. "Didn't I already tell you, at the warehouse?"
"Yes, but what I mean is..." What he meant was...
What did he mean?
Light looked at him steadily for a moment before scoffing and shifting in the hospital bed. "Because justice doesn't always win. That's why I became Kira."
Justice doesn't always win.
If it did, L would still be alive.
"We have laws and courts to uphold justice, but courts can still be corrupted by bad faith. Laws have loop holes. Criminals can get away, unpunished," Light elaborated, his dark brown gaze—the one that sometimes seemed to be a blood red—stared at Near. "Do you really want to live in a world like that?"
"No," Near replied, agreeing, even. "But humans will always do bad things, no matter what. Who's to say killing them off is ethical? Who's to say what constitutes as a crime terrible enough to get the death penalty?"
"It's simple, Near. People who commit crimes in good faith—murder in self defense, stealing because they have no money to buy food—they deserve to live. But are you saying the world isn't better off without serial killers? Rapists? I've been making the world a better place. Can you honestly look me in the eyes and say that if you knew a man was going to molest a child, but you had no evidence to put him in jail, that you wouldn't kill him for that child's sake?"
"It's...It's not that simple, Yagami Light." why was his voice faltering?
"Is it not? Good people deserve to live, bad people deserve to die. People will think twice before committing a crime now. I know people would obviously disagree with me, because we have to maintain a facade where we believe in protecting human lives—even the one's not worth protecting. But in our hearts we know there are people who would've been better off dead, who are better off dead. People who do nothing but hurt others, cause wars..." Light's eyes seemed to bore into Near's, and for a moment, Near was a little afraid. "Are you seriously suggesting that those people should live on to keep causing trouble? Should we keep wasting resources on them so they can rot away in prison for the rest of their sorry lives? If you ask me, that's even more inhumane than killing them."
Near hadn't even realized it, but he was twirling his hair between his fingers. His heart was pounding. Why the hell was he so nervous? He had never felt like this before.
"Anyone can justify their actions if they try hard enough. It's what serial killers do."
Light didn't speak.
Near ventured on. "To be given the power to kill anybody you want...it's driven you mad. You are not the authority to decided who lives and dies, even if your ideals make sense."
"So, you're agreeing with me?" Light looked a little shocked.
"No, I don't agree with you. But I understand."
A moment of silence proceeded Near's words, then Light—
"You don't understand," he scowled. "If you did, you'd agree with me."
"I can understand something and not agree with it. I can understand somebody's thought process behind creationism, that doesn't mean I agree with them. I understand a mathematical method to solve an equation, that doesn't mean I think it's the best method." Near stopped twirling his hair, letting the thin, silky strands fall from his fingertips. "Was it all worth it, to become Kira?"
Light seemed to genuinely contemplate the question before he nodded. "It was. I sacrificed a lot, but because I did, the world is better now. I was finally given a purpose in life." he lied down on his bed, relaxing his muscles. At first, he stared up at the white hospital ceiling before turning his head, looking at Near with a smile. "I don't regret a thing."
Not a thing? Not killing those innocent FBI agents? Killing L? Leading your father to his death? Near wanted to question these things—he wanted to know—but his mouth wasn't working. It refused to open and let him speak. He felt stiff.
He felt off.
Why was he here, listening to Light? Talking to him? Perhaps even sympathizing? He killed so many people. This was wrong. But the world isn't all black and white like Kira thought it was, and the same goes for thoughts and emotions. They were gray. But even if they were gray, why was he planning what he was? It was beyond insane. He was insane. What was he doing?
And yet, he couldn't stop himself.
"Yagami Light," Near spoke, catching the attention of the older man again. "There are no cameras in here."
Light blinked. He looked perplexed.
Near could feel his own heartbeat pounding in his fingers and roaring in his ears as he reached down his baggy pajama shirt, his fingertips grazing what felt like worn, thin leather. He pulled out the Death Note.
Light's eyes widened.
"I said I would burn the Death Note," Near quietly explained, his hands shaking ever so slightly as he held the murderous book in his hands with a pen clipped on the outside. He wasn't shaking because he was scared of the Death Note, or of the possibility of what was going to proceed. He didn't know why he was shaking, honestly. Anticipation? Adrenaline? "And I did. I burned the fake one and hid the real one. Nobody knows I'm doing this, not even the SPK."
Light sat back up, his eyes now wide with curiosity. "What are—"
"Yagami Light; Kira," Near cut him off, his voice louder than before. "I'm giving you a choice. You are going to be taken to prison within a matter of days. Perhaps even tomorrow. I'm giving you two options." he held out the Death Note.
"You can either write one last name down as Kira—any name. Or you can relinquish ownership of the Death Note and live life normally, as Yagami Light. I'll even let you work at the SPK. Those are your options."
In complete disbelief, Light stared at Near. It seemed an eternity passed before he spoke, and Near could only hear the thumping of his own heartbeat. "You can't be serious," Light hissed out in a whisper.
"I am. What will you choose?"
Gently and hesitantly, Light took the Death Note. His hand was still injured from being shot, however it was usable, albeit sore. He took the pen off from the Death Note and flipped around the pages, looking at all the rules and names already previously written down, as if he hadn't already memorized ever aspect of it.
"And what if I write down your name?" Light asked, his eyes flickering up at Near.
Nate River, Near thought dizzily. Light knew his real name. He could kill him. But for some odd reason, the thought didn't phase him.
"If that's your choice, then it doesn't matter to me. You can't escape this hospital or prison, no matter who you kill."
Light seemed to hang on these words for a long time. Deep in thought, Near could only imagine what was going through his mind. He could either write one last name or lose all memories. It was a tough choice, Near was sure. In all the same respect, however, Near wondered what was going through his own mind. Giving the Death Note back to Kira, risking his life for who-knows-what? Mello would laugh at him for this one. L would chastise him. If any sort of afterlife exists, he's sure they'll be making fun of him once he gets there. And while Near was so absorbed in thought, he almost missed the click of the pen in Light's hand.
He's going to write a name down, Near realized, an odd sense of disappointment washing over him.
What if it really would be his name? Of course it would be! Light hated him for exposing his plans. He'd want revenge. Would Near really just sit back and let him do it? Could he? Who would take L's place, then? And if it wasn't Near's name, it'd be Near's fault if another man—or woman—died. What if it were Aizawa, or Matsuda he kills? Somebody would surely figure out the Death Note was still around, then. That Near hadn't properly disposed of it.
He watched as Light started writing, his injured hand shaking with pain.
夜 yoru. That's the kanji for night. Near was slightly relieved that it was certainly not his name being written down. But if that's the case, then who's...?
神 kami. That's the kanji for God. 夜神 is...
Yagami.
Near lurched forward and grabbed Light's wrist. Light yelped in pain.
"What the fuck, Near!?" his voice strained, thick agony in his pitch from Near gripping his wounded arm.
"You're—" Near felt dizzy. Why did he feel dizzy? "You're writing your own name down."
"Y-Yeah...No fucking shit, I can read," he hissed angrily, voice trembling still with pain. "Let go of my hand!"
"Why are you writing your name down?" Near quickly asked, as if panicked, though his voice didn't convey this. He kept his hand around Light's wrist.
"Isn't it obvious? There's no way I'm leaving this hospital without going to jail, I'm either going to rot there or be executed. I'm not..." he sucked in a shaky breath. "I'm not going to give up my memories to be executed for a crime I won't remember. I'm ending this now."
"I—I have control with the government, you know. I can probably get you out, granted you relinquish ownership of the Death Note..." why the hell was he proposing this? Why was he starting to panic? What was wrong with him?
"Why would you do that?" Light asked, echoing Near's own bewildered thoughts.
Near couldn't answer. He didn't know why.
He let go of Light's wrist.
"Even if you could bail me out, I would have to live with the guilt and knowledge of what I've done without remembering a damn thing. That's torture." his voice was slightly suspicious, as if he wondered why Near suggested bailing him out at all. Near doesn't blame him—he wasn't sure why he suggested it either.
And though Near knew what was coming, his mind was pleading for him to scream please don't as Light managed to write the last kanji of his name.
月 tsuki. That's the kanji for moon. However, it's pronounced Light in his name.
夜神月 - Yagami Light.
The deed was done.
Light Yagami would die in 40 seconds from a heart attack.
Shakily, Near slowly pulled the Death Note away from Light along with the pen. Light didn't fight back—he knew there was no reason to now.
Suddenly, the soft ticking of the clock in the room seemed much more menacing.
Suddenly, Near felt light headed.
Suddenly, Near felt like he couldn't breathe.
This was his fault. He gave Light the option and he chose to kill himself. He was responsible for this. He didn't directly kill Light, no, but he enabled it. But, why was he getting so worked up over it? Light was a murderer! It's Justice!
Isn't it?
Why was Near second guessing himself? Why did everything about Light make him lose all reason and sense?
30 seconds.
There needed to be something he could do. Something he could say. It wouldn't change time, it wouldn't stop Light from dying or even picking up that dreaded notebook. But he needed to say something.
If you ask me, that's even more inhumane than killing them. That's what Light said. He wouldn't want to rot away in prison, or wait to be executed. This is what he wanted. This was the best for everyone. So why did it feel wrong? Why did it feel unfair?
Justice always wins. Justice always wins. Justice always wins.
20 seconds.
But it doesn't, does it? It's why people are wronged, why innocent people are jailed and criminals go free. It doesn't always win. That's why Kira was born. But that doesn't make Kira justice, it makes him just as unjust. Nothing but a murderer. There was no true justice, not anywhere. Two negatives don't make a positive. Two crimes don't make justice. This wasn't justice.
Light is the only person who has ever made Near feel this much emotion. Not even Mello, or Matt, or L made him feel this way. So hopeless, so panicked, so lost. So desperate for them to live. If only he could've met Light under different circumstances. As a friend, not a foe.
No, Near thought. Near knew, this is the only way we could've met.
10 seconds.
He needed to tell Light just how much turmoil he's put Near in. Just how many emotions he's made him feel. He doesn't know how to express it, what words to use and how to accurately show what he feels. Instead, the first thing that tumbles out is,
"I love you, Light."
He doesn't know if it's true. He doesn't know if he means it platonically or romantically, or if he loves him at all. But it was the first words he could think of—the first, most powerful word he knew. A word that encapsulates compassion, curiosity, heartbreak, sorrow, panic, anguish, and tranquility all into one. Yes, that's how he felt. That's what resonated the most.
Love.
And Light only looked surprised. His eyes only widened for a few seconds before...
0 seconds.
It took a few excruciating moments, but his eyes fell slowly, almost in a peaceful manner, and Near didn't need to check his pulse to know he was gone. Light Yagami was dead. Kira was dead.
He was gone.
Near couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. Why was he crying over Light? Over Kira? Because he loved him? Did he even love Light? Were the last words he said to Light a complete and utter lie?
He'd never know.
Still sniffling and wiping away tears, Near hid the Death Note back into his shirt. He would have to burn this fucking thing. This goddamn notebook that caused all of this.
Kira was dead, and that was good. But so was Light Yagami. L's only friend. A genuine man, brimming with potential, corrupted by the Death Note. They both died, because they were one and the same. There was no difference, and yet all the difference. For evil to die, so did the good, and then you just have nothing.
Does justice, truly, always win?