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Inej hadn’t returned to Ketterdam in five years, and now there she was, looking at the gloomy city with her lips tightly pressed together. She didn’t know why she was back – she didn’t have to, her work was going great and she loved her ship, the sea. Yet something had told her to go. Just go.
What had happened to Jesper and Wylan? Had Nina ever returned? She knew of her work with the king, knew she’d buried Matthias long ago, and about Hanne – they’d seen each other after a while, spent the day chatting on deck and laughing and drinking. She missed Nina. She missed all of them.
“Captain, when are we leaving again?” her second – a tall Shu girl with short hair and sunburnt skin – called after her as the crew moved around in excitement. They loved sailing, but they loved land too, where they could drink and sleep on a stable floor.
That depends, the captain thought, chewing her cheek for a moment before looking at the city again. Will he see me? Will he be happy?
“I don’t know just yet,” she replied after a while, then turned towards the girl and smiled. “I’ll reach out, try not to loose anyone,” she told her, jumping gracefully off the ship. All those years had improved her balance, to the point where she thought there was no need for a net anymore – it was reckless, maybe, but it was the only way she could’ve survived on her own.
“Ay-ay Captain,” the girl called after her, and Inej smiled again, almost wildly.
She walked the familiar streets silently, like she’d always done, creeping in the shadows – why? She wondered. You can be here, and no one is looking for you. You’re not looking for anyone. Except she was. She stopped and sighed, shaking her head: what was she doing? She wasn’t a thief – not anymore – and she wasn’t banned from the city. Why was she acting like it?
“Inej?” a voice called after her and she froze before she could answer herself. “Inej, is it you?” the male voice said again, bewildered – familiar, yet off-tune. She turned slowly, and a cascade of red curls bumped into her as Wylan hugged her. Inej’s lips parted, her arms slightly raised as she found balance with the new weight of his body before wrapping them around his torso gently. “I can’t believe it! Saints, it’s been so long!” he was saying, his voice high-pitched as it used to be, but only because of his excitement. Inej reminded herself that he wasn’t a boy anymore – just like she wasn’t a young girl. Five years had gone by, they’d all grown up.
“Hello, Wylan,” she almost whispered gently, her throat suddenly sore. “How are you?”
“I’m great!” he declared, placing his hands on her shoulders and gently pushing her away. “I know how to read now! And I live where my father used to with Jesper – he’s somewhere around here, I don’t know what he was looking for. How are you? We didn’t know where you went, Kaz never told us and – oh, Saints, have you seen Kaz already? Does he know you here? We need to –” he rambled, and he would’ve kept going if not for Inej’s hand on his mouth as she laughed.
“Calm down, Wylan,” she told him gently, trying not to laugh at his face. He frowned for a moment, then nodded once.
“Sorry,” he mumbled against her hand, and she took it off slowly. “I just – it’s so strange seeing you here, we thought you’d never come back,” he said, and then grimaced at his words. Inej’s smile faltered slightly, but she sighed and shrugged – she didn’t know if she was ever coming back too, and it had been a surprise when she woke up craving to be in that place. With those people.
“Wylan what are you – all the Saints and the donkeys they rode in on, Inej Ghafa?” Jesper appeared behind them and almost dropped the bag he was holding. He was taller than Inej remembered, but there was an expression on his face she’d never seen before: he was happy. Truly happy, not gambling-happy.
“Hello to you too, Jesper,” she took a step back from Wylan and waved, a little smile painted on her lips. “You look good,” she added, and hoped he understood what she meant – given his expression, the bright smile that shifted his face, he probably did.
“You too, the ocean has been kind with our little Wraith, has it not?” he asked, and Inej found herself getting surprised when she heard that name again. It had been so long she now imagined it was only the one of her ship – she had thought of changing it many times, but something had always stopped her. No, not something: someone. Jesper cleared his throat and shifted from one leg to the other, glancing at Wylan for a moment. “Have you – does he know you’re here?” he asked, and Inej’s lips twitched nervously. He. Wylan hadn’t thought for a moment of calling him by his name, but Jesper knew better: he knew their history, and how much they’d hurt each other. He knew Inej’s story too well, and no doubt had come to know Kaz’s as well.
“No,” she replied, clasping her hands behind her back just like she did on the ship. “Not yet,” she added, and she almost convinced herself, because she hadn’t truly decided if she was going to see him. Jesper expression changed, a little smile lingering on his lips when Wylan clapped his hands.
“Why don’t you come to dinner? The house is big, you could stay for the night too if you don’t want to go back on the ship or in some disgusting room,” he told the girl, and Jesper sighed loudly.
“You’re talking like a spoiled rich boy, Wylan,” he commented, and Wylan shrugged.
“I am a spoiled rich boy,” he retorted, then turned his attention on Inej. “So, what do you say?” he asked expectantly. And even if Inej hadn’t wanted to – a comfortable, warm bed, a proper meal – she wouldn’t have told him no, if only to not ruin his smile and mood.
“Sure, why not?” she replied, and Wylan’s face lit up. He pressed a kiss on Inej’s cheek and then grabbed Jesper by his arm, almost dragging him away.
“Great! See you later!” he yelled, and Inej remained still a few seconds before laughing: things had surely changed, if only not for the fact that Jesper was being carried around like an obedient puppy without a sound of complain.
Inej spent the rest of the day searching for something to wear, because all her clothes were ruined and she’d suddenly felt self-conscious about it. Why? You know them. You almost died with them. Why would they care? Why do you care?
Because of him.
Because they hadn’t seen each other in five years and she wanted to look at least nice – she couldn’t do much about the signs the sun had left on her skin, or about her salt-ruined hair locked in a tight braid across her shoulders. But she could own a decent pair of pants and a shirt that wasn’t ragged and didn’t smell of sailor.
She was looking behind a glass, hoping to catch a glimpse of simple clothes that could fit her figure instead of over-elaborated dresses when someone tackled her to the ground, almost making her hit her head. She was about to reach for her knife when someone yelled.
“Nina! You can’t just go around jumping on everyone we meet!” the female voice said, and Inej managed to focus on the dark tangle of brown hair that fell over the shoulders of her attacker. The girl standing behind them looked at her with a worried and sorry expression, and Inej smiled reassuringly.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Nina mumbled, her head hidden in the crook of Inej’s neck, and the girl laughed slightly.
“I’ve missed you too, Nina, but I might still need my ribs,” she whispered back, and the girl got up quickly, muttering a series of sorry that made Inej laugh again.
“I didn’t know you were back,” she said then, squeezing Inej’s shoulders before placing a kiss on her cheek. The captain had tears in her eyes: Nina too looked different, even being the last of them she’d seen. Behind her, the other girl frowned, then cleared her throat. “Oh, right! This is Hanne, the girl I told you about,” Nina said, gently pushing Inej towards her. Hanne gaped at them both, a fair blush spreading over her cheeks.
“You talked about me? When was this?” she asked nervously. Inej smiled at her with kindness, trying to put her at ease as much as she could.
“Four years ago, a little less maybe,” she told her, and Hanne’s cheeks took even more colour, “it’s so nice to finally meet you,” she added, and the girl smiled at her.
“Nina told me about you – all of you, but mainly you,” her voice was gentle, low, almost as if she was afraid. Inej wrinkled her nose, then lifted her arms and turned around quickly.
“So, how do I look?” she asked, cocking her head to one side. “Like you imagined?” Hanne seemed to think over it, squeezing her eyes for a moment.
“Taller, I think,” she replied after a while, and Nina’s laugh mixed with Inej’s.
“Wylan and Jesper invited me over for dinner,” Inej told them, then waved her hand in front of her face, “Wylan mainly, he was so happy to see me I couldn’t say no – he will be even more happy if you’re there,” she looked at Nina, almost pleading her with her eyes, then quickly turned to Hanne, “you too, of course.”
“Will he be there?” Nina asked, and Inej bit her bottom lip – that was enough of an answer for Nina.
“I was looking for something to wear,” she replied instead, looking around. Nina’s face lit up, and before she could say anything, Inej stopped her, “something easy, Nina. All my clothes have been ruined at sea,” she warned, and the other woman pouted slightly – just like the old Nina.
“Boring,” she protested, then lifted her hand in Hanne’s direction. “If I can’t help you then I better get off so I can prepare her for tonight,” she smiled at the girl uneasiness, then leaned towards Inej, “you don’t need fancy clothes to impress him, Captain.”
Jesper opened the door and his smile shot wild at the girls sight.
“I brought some backup,” Inej declared, smiling at him. Jesper leaned over and hugged her, one arm wrapped around her, the other extended to keep the door open.
“He’s already here,” he murmured in her ear, “he doesn’t know you’re coming, does he?” he asked then, taking a step back. Inej pressed her lips together and shook her head slowly.
“I haven’t got the chance to see him,” she murmured, and behind her Nina rolled her eyes before walking over them, Hanne at her heels. Jesper shot her a worried look and trailed behind them, almost letting the door close on Inej.
“I’m sorry we arrived uninvited, but she thought it might’ve been nice to be all together – plus one,” Nina exclaimed, entering the room with a wide smile. Wylan almost dropped the plate he was holding, and with a squeal he reached Nina, throwing his arms around her shoulders. She hugged him back with a soft laugh, patting his back affectionately as her eyes scanned the room, locating the cane resting against the table and the boy next to it. Not boy, man.
“She?” Kaz asked from his seat, looking quickly up from his glass. Jesper, behind them, opened his lips to reply, and Wylan frowned just before Inej walked in. Kaz dropped his glass and took a sharp breath in, his eyes suddenly wide scanning every inch of the girl’s skin, her simple clothes, her hair free over her shoulders – how could he not know she was there? Was she the real reason of that dinner?
“Hello, Kaz,” she cooed with a smile, and for a moment Kaz thought he was dreaming. Or dead. His blood was rushing in his head, making almost impossible for him to focus on what was happening. Inej, Inej, Inej. Five years had gone by without a word, without knowing where she was, how she was, with who, not after the day she’d sailed away on her new ship with her parents – everything because of him. Had he pushed her away willingly? Had he wanted her to go away? Or had he expected her to stay despite what he’d offered – and what he hadn’t? The tension in the room was so heavy Hanne and Wylan started to shift nervously from one foot to the other – Nina reached for them both, gently patting against their shoulders before pushing Wylan in Jesper’s direction and clearing the way between Inej and Kaz.
“Hi,” he murmured getting up, his eyes still glued on Inej.
“Hi,” she repeated in the same voice, clasping her hands behind her. Time stretched, the silence taking over, insufferable. Then Jesper cleared his throat and clapped softly.
“Shall we eat?”
Dinner was even more awkward. For some reason – a reason called Nina – Kaz and Inej sat next to each other, their knees accidentally bumping – how was the table of rich people so small? - their elbows missing the other’s by half an inch, their arms and hands brushing as they reached for something at the same time. Inej realized he wasn’t wearing his gloves, and kept staring at his hands for the rest of the evening even as she answered questions about her travels, what she’d done, how’d she’d been. On the other hand, Kaz couldn’t look away from her profile, the sharp line of her nose and the stubborn set of her chin, her lips full and smiling more than he’d ever seen her do. Had five years away from Ketterdam – away from him – been enough for her to heal? He hoped so. He wasn’t so naive to think he’d healed completely, but he didn’t feel his stomach twist whenever he touched someone, and those quick, swift brushing of skin on skin – Inej’s skin – didn’t bother him. The knot in his stomach was caused by something else. They talked and talked and talked, of what they’d done in those years apart and reminiscing the past every now and then – much to Hanne’s embarrassment.
“I’m glad you had the time to say a proper goodbye,” Wylan almost whispered, placing his hand on top of hers as he smiled kindly. Nina squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, then moved her hand to ruffle his hair.
Inej managed to look at them, her heart almost aching: she’d missed them. All of them. On her ship it was nice, everyone was kind to her – but she was their captain, not their Wraith. Not what she was amongst them. An equal. When she turned her head, Kaz was looking at her, and she felt her neck heat up.
“What?” she whispered at him when he didn’t look away. She almost couldn’t hear anything else other than the thunder of her heart – not Jesper’s laugh, Nina’s tale. Nothing but her breath and Kaz’s as he looked at her for what seemed to be the first time. Or last time, she didn’t know.
“You – nothing,” he shook his head and looked away, leaving her staring at the set of his jaw and his smile. His smile. Kaz Brekker was smiling. Not a sarcastic smirk, a true smile. And it was breathtaking.
Nina and Hanne left after three hours of yelling and laughing in the main room with drinks and Wylan’s music. Jesper and Wylan went upstairs a few minutes after, extending the invitation for Inej to stay the night, which she took gladly, she just wasn’t that tired yet.
And so she remained alone with Kaz sitting on the fancy bench on the porch – this is how Jesper has been living? I can’t believe it, she’d joked about it – next to each other, their shoulders touching as they small talked.
“You should see it,” Inej whispered, looking down at her hands and then over, lost in the darkness of the city. “I know we’ve seen a lot of things, but there’s something quite magical about the sun setting over the horizon,” she slightly lifted her chin as she inhaled, closing then her eyes as a little smile lifted the corners of her mouth, almost as if she was reminiscing it. She probably is.
“I’m glad you enjoy your new life, Captain,” he told her, his eyes lingering over her throat, following the curve of her neck, her chin, her lips.
“Do you ever regret it?” she asked him, opening her eyes slowly and then turning her head to look at him. Their eyes interlocked and for a moment everything else seemed to stop again. Yes, I regret not stopping you, I regret not telling you I wanted you to be here, with me. That I meant it. Or I wanted to come with you, and I regret staying. And yet I needed time, and I’m better now. Not good, but better.
“No,” he said instead in a whisper. Inej frowned slightly, then chewed at her lips and looked away.
“Right,” she murmured, rubbing her hands together before dropping them at her sides over the polished wood of the bench. “I should go to sleep – I don’t want to wake up Wylan or Jesper when I go back in,” she added then, and almost slapped herself. He called you Wraith, no one ever heard you and you think you could wake someone up. In response, Kaz simply grinned.
“Wait,” he called after her softly when she tried to get up. “I want to – can I try something?” he asked, lifting one of his hands. Inej looked at him for a moment, her head cocked to the side in wondering, then nodded. “Alright,” Kaz inhaled deeply, “can you please stand still?” his voice dropped to a low murmur that sent shivers up and down her back. He took a deep breath in, leaning in her direction slowly – that position was uncomfortable, with them still sitting next to each other and his torso twisted to an almost painful limit as he pushed forward, inhaling deeply her scent – so familiar, yet with something utterly new. He looked down at her lips, and she did the same with his, her breath coming out almost in shaking hiccups, and then she moved slightly in his direction too, forcing him to stop. “Don’t move,” he hissed, almost an order, lifting his gaze to hers. She licked her lips, wrapping her fingers around the edges of the bench as Kaz closed the gap between them. Their lips brushed for a moment and, as Inej took a deep breath in, Kaz moved his right hand up and placed it on the curve of her neck, deepening the kiss. Her warm skin sang under his palm, and he didn’t stop as he pressed his mouth on hers, closing his eyes and sinking in the feeling and the taste of her. Wine, ocean, laughter. Inej’s fingers curled as she moved towards him, breathing slowly as his hand trailed up her neck, behind her head, his fingers intertwining with the loose locks of her hair. Were they both feeling their lips burning? Their heart running wild behind their ribcage? The sudden desire of touching and poking the other just to be sure they were both real?
“Inej,” he breathed simply when she placed one of her hands over his heart, pressing the palm on his shirt – his skin ached where she touched him, but there was nothing unpleasant about it. “Inej,” he repeated, a chant, a pray. Slowly she lifted her free hand and brushed the tip of her fingers against his cheek, then moved away as if she’d burned herself.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, Kaz’s hand still on the nape of her neck. He felt suddenly cold where her hand had been, and the ghost of her touch lingered over his heart, on his face, all over his lips. He looked at her almost astonished, then lifted his free hand towards her face and brushed his thumb over her bottom lip slowly. Inej sucked her breath in, her eyes suddenly wide, doe-like, and for a moment Kaz got lost in it.
“It’s okay,” he murmured back, wrapping his fingers on her cheek with a gentleness that amazed Inej and pushed her to lean towards it. Towards him, abandoning everything she had been and was just to be there, with him. “I’m still working on getting off my armor,” he added then in a whisper, and Inej’s lips twitched in what seemed a grin. He remembers? He brushed his thumb over it again, and the girl closed her eyes, slightly parting it and exhaling softly.
“Kaz?” she called, as if he might’ve disappeared. Or never been there in the first place. He hummed in response, lost in his study of her traits, and how her skin truly felt. “Can you kiss me again?” she asked him, almost shyly, and when she opened her eyes saw Kaz smile. Again. Breathtaking.
He obliged, wanting the night to go on forever – wanting that moment to never end. But then they didn’t care, lost in one another, at last connected like a final puzzle piece, and time bent to their will, forcing the dark to remain as such for the hours they spent in the other’s embrace.