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Phil likes the blue lighting of the aquarium. He knows it’s a calming colour, but it transports him to the land of peace. He feels his worries draining away, which is something he definitely needs.
The past couple of weeks (hell, even months) were, as usual, hectic. Moving, conventions, planning their next tour, Dan running out of his meds. They need this, a calm place away from all the craziness of their lives. They just need to switch off for a bit, and right now, the best place for that is the Singapore Aquarium.
Thankfully, it’s not that busy. There are a couple of dozen people loitering, so it’s easy to see things. For a while, they sit in front of a tank of exotic fish, their colourful scales perfectly contrasting the blue water.
The bench is comfortable, so Phil has no reason to move. Dan’s got a leaflet in his hand, he’s reading the information.
“Are you happy?” Phil sighs. “I am. I never want to leave.”
He closes his eyes, but he still feels Dan’s on him. He knows he’s smiling. He knows Dan well; Phil doesn’t even need to look at him to know what he’s doing.
“Me neither,” Dan sighs. “I want to do this every day.”
“You mean this specific aquarium?” Phil opens his eyes. “We can.”
“No, I mean… Going on casual dates without any big plans and just not caring. This makes you happy, this makes me happy, so why can’t we?” Dan bites into his lip as he carefully reaches for Phil’s hand and takes it. “I don’t want to care anymore.”
“I don’t either.”
Dan smiles at him, but it’s small and unsure. “Okay, good. I mean I know we have to talk about this some more, but… I’ve never thought someone would love me as much as you say you do. I didn’t believe I was worthy of it, you know? And I don’t want to hide that, not anymore.”
“Oh, Dan.” Phil puts his arm around Dan’s shoulder and kisses his head. It’s a risky move, someone might see them and then their whole world could collapse. But Phil really doesn’t care. “I love you very much and of course, you’re worthy of it. You’re the best thing ever.”
“I wish I could kiss you.”
“Me too.”
They watch the fish for a few more minutes in relative silence, before making their way to a bigger tank. It’s even less crowded.
Phil wonders how he got so lucky. He watches Dan as he takes pictures of the animals, pointing at especially beautiful ones. He built a life with him, but it’s more than that. It’s not just a house, not just some furniture, not just a career. It’s home. He’s home.
For so long, before meeting him, Phil’s heart was lacking something. It wasn’t completely empty; he had his family, his silly videos, his friends. But it wasn’t whole either. It was missing a chunk. Then he met Dan. Then everything fell into its place.
They’ve got their ups and they’ve got their downs. But life is so much better with Dan around.
“Are we getting married?” Phil doesn’t even know what brought that up. It’s been on his mind for a while now, but that doesn’t explain the why and the why now. This isn’t exactly the place to have marriage talk.
Dan blinks at him, slowly lowering his arm. “Is that a proposal?”
“What? No! I know I don’t seem like more romantic, but trust me, I am,” Phil says. “I mean I’m clumsy and can’t really plan a surprise, but…”
“Phil.”
“Right, sorry. No, I mean, in general. I know we’ve talked about this, but I do want it. Preferably before the decade ends.”
“But… Why? Most marriages don’t work out.”
Phil rolls his eyes. One of the quirks he got from Dan. “Ours would.”
“How can you be so sure? I can’t even think about losing you.”
“Good, me neither, so this conversation should be easy.”
Dan pockets his phone. He doesn’t answer right away. On one hand, Phil understands his hesitation. This is a big thing. On the other, this should be an easy decision, a simple thing for them.
“I’m worried that we’ll end up like my parents,” Dan admits, taking Phil’s hand and fiddling with his fingers. “I’m worried that our relationship would become toxic.”
“It won’t, babe, I know that for a fact. We’re us. We’re invincible,” Phil says. Dan chuckles at that. “I love you. I want to get married to you at some point.”
“God, you’re so stubborn.” He squeezes Phil’s hand. “Is it really that important to you? Marriage? A contract?
“Wow, thanks for putting it like that. But kinda? Not the whole… ‘let’s spend a lot of money’ aspect. I want the bond.”
“The James Bond,” Dan laughs and Phil joins in. It’s a stupid joke. “I want that, too. I want you to know that I’m a hook to your loop. Or superglue to your everything.”
“Can we stop with the DIY analogies?”
“Sure, sorry.” Dan smiles at him. “So, is this what you want? To get married to this loser?”
“You have no idea how much I want that. And if you're a loser, then so am I.” Dan watches him for a bit, not saying anything, just smiling. So Phil continues, “I know it’s silly and kind of overrated. We can just do an intimate thing, like your family, my family, a couple of friends. I don’t want a big thing. I just… I just want to be married to you, to be bonded to you.”
Dan nods, his hand squeezing Phil’s. “I do too. But only if it can be as picturesque as this place.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal.” Phil kisses Dan’s head again. Sometimes he wishes they weren’t well-known. Sometimes he wishes he could just kiss his boyfriend in public, properly, on his lips. “I want a selfie in front of the aquarium.”
“For them or for us?”
“For us. I think it would look good in the living room.”
Dan takes the picture. They’re stood in front of the blueness, with fish swimming behind them. There are no forced poses, no forced smiles. In that picture, they are not Dan-and-Phil, the brand they’ve been building for a while now. They are Dan and Phil, boyfriends, dorks in love and future husbands.
But in the end, Phil decides to share it. He’s proud of it, of everything they’ve achieved, but what he’s most proud of is his relationship with Dan. He wants others to see that.
