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“The Jiang clan motto, Ah Ling, is, ‘Attempt the impossible.’ Your Ah Cheng-jiu, Ah Xian-jiu, and I all grew up under this motto. Do you know what it means?
“It means do not let others restrict you. What others say is impossible, you can choose to reach for.”
Jin Ling opened his eyes as the coach yelled for the next set of students. Lining up among his classmates, Jin Ling eyed the sets of hurdles on the track.
“Look, it’s that Jin kid! He’s so young! He can’t be more than a freshman! He thinks he can join the varsity team already?”
“A typical Jin mentality. Always think they’re better than everyone.”
Jin Ling felt his eye twitch. Before he could snap out a retort, another voice called out.
“Good luck, Ru Lan!” Lan Si Zhui waved from the bleachers with Lan Jing Yi grumpily sitting next to him. “You’ve got this!”
Jin Ling opened his mouth to shout back that he didn’t need any luck, but the starting signal went off and Jin Ling immediately raced ahead of the others. It was over quickly, far too quickly. But as Jin Ling breathed as deep as he could dare post run, the sense of satisfaction at watching his nay-sayers struggling to catch up was too great. At least until the coach gave his verdict at the end of tryouts.
“Jin Ru Lan, I already said I cannot accept your application.” The coach stared down at Jin Ling from behind his sunglasses. Jin Ling scowled, as if that would be enough to pierce shaded glass and give the coach a fright. It almost worked. “What I mean is-”
“Respectfully, Coach Li, I fulfill all requirements. I maintain my grades well above standard and will continue to do so. I had the best time in all races I tried today, including hurdles. As for the monetary commitment, I will be able to pay the fees.” Jin Ling bowed, a perfect 90 degrees, not a single hair out of place, the full Jin family propriety and charm on display. “Understandably, the largest limitation is that the ability to join a team is not permitted until next year, however, there are precedent cases, with you as coach, where a younger student with exemplary performance was allowed to join. I believe finishing, on average, 30 seconds ahead of my peers counts as exemplary. The last underclassman student you considered barely managed 10 seconds ahead on average.”
Coach Li’s face turned purple. “You-”
“If required, I will find other supporting evidence as to why I should be permitted to join.” Jin Ling looked up from beneath his lashes. “I’m sure my father and grandfather, would be very interested in hearing why I am not permitted to join.”
“I- You wouldn’t- The Jin family-”
“Oh, if that is the problem, would you rather speak to my uncle?” Coach Li’s face turned blotchy and he walked away. Jin Ling smiled. “Is that a yes?”
------
“We of the Jin family are always gracious and magnanimous. We do not forget our duty, our responsibilities, nor our pride.
“You are our pride now, Ah Ling. Take care of it.”
“Do you intend to explain to me why you were late to class, Jin Ru Lan?” Yang Laoshi crossed her arms. “This is the third time this week.”
“Yang Laoshi, I have a note from Coach Li. It won’t happen again.” Jin Ling presented the letter with a bow. Yang Laoshi accepted it with a furrowed brow. “Furthermore, as you saw, I have all my assignments completed and I did well on your quiz today.” Jin Ling maintained his bow. “So please excuse me this once, Yang Laoshi. No offense was intended.”
Yang Laoshi pulled the letter open. Coach Li’s signature was clear and his tone apologetic for pushing Jin Ling, now brought around to the potential of a new track star. “Do not let it happen again. Even if Coach Li expounds upon how fast you run the 300 m hurdle, it won’t save you next time.”
“Of course not, Laoshi. I promise.”
Jin Ling allowed himself to walk out of the classroom proudly but halted in the doorway as he heard his teacher say, “Just like those Jiangs, wandering in and out as they pleased. Nothing like his cousins from the Jin family.”
Jin Ling bit his tongue, the bitter taste of iron in shortly after the sweetness of a short-lived victory was chastising enough.
------
“The most difficult words you’ll have to learn how to say are, ‘Thank you,’ and ‘I’m sorry.’ You should start practicing now, Ah Ling. You’ll thank me later.”
“This project is worth too much! How dare you slack off!” Jin Ling glared at his two classmates Lin Jia An and Wang Yi Long. “And if you think I’m just going to carry you both, you can forget it! I’ll go talk to Yang Laoshi right now!”
“It’s just a misunderstanding Ru Lan,” Yi Long said lazily as he slouched against the wall. However, despite his relaxed posture, Yi Long’s eyes were sharp and his brows furrowed. “There’s no need to be so upset.”
“Yeah, we will fail the project too if my computer doesn’t get fixed,” Jia An said as he stood up from his desk. “I’m going to the shop this afternoon. We still have a full week before the due date. I can easily make up my portion if my computer is not repaired by then. Yi Long has his stuff all backed up as well.” Jia An crossed his arms. “For what purpose did you come to yell at us like a young mistress? We’re good diligent students too, just like you.”
Jin Ling inhaled sharply. “I-”
“Forget it. I was starting to think differently of you, Jin Ru Lan, but I see everyone was correct.” Jia An jerked his head. “Come on, Yi Long. I need you to show me the computer shop you went to last time.”
Jin Ling stood silently, fist shaking and jaw clenching as the two left. Only after they had walked off down the hall, did Jin Ling break his silence.
“I’m sorry.”
------
“What are your books here for if not to study? You have the nerve to act this way and still talk back to me? If you don’t get within the top ten at your school, then I’m no longer your jiujiu!”
Jin Ling turned his head every which way, but it did not matter. The names written for rankings within his year were clear.
Second place.
Second place was firmly within the top ten. It was enough. More than enough.
And yet to be second and not first…
“Fuqin and Cheng-jiu are never going to let me hear the end of it…” Jin Ling grit his teeth and fought the urge to scrub at his eyes. “All that studying for nothing!”
“Look at him, so frustrated.” Jin Ling kept his eyes forward instead of finding out who dared to whisper about him behind his back. “So greedy! How hard was it for any of us to get a decent grade, and still he wants to be first!”
“Hey, being second is it’s own burden! I don’t envy him at all!”
“I wasn’t even twentieth and you want me to sympathize for a classmate that got second? In your dreams!”
The two ran off laughing, but Jin Ling did not laugh. Not even as he called his family to give them the news of his success.
------
“Laugh at me again!” Jin Ling pressed the entirety of his weight down on his classmate, Yi Qi’s, chest with his foot. “I dare you! Whoever thinks I’m an easy target will regret it!”
“Ru Lan! Stop!” Lan Si Zhui vaulted over the back alley fence, dressed in his gym uniform, with a grace Jin Ling envied. “It’s not worth it!” Huffing and puffing behind him, but not by much, Lan Jing Yi followed. “Ru Lan, let’s go back and we can work this out.”
“I’m-”
“Da Xiao Jie,” Jing Yi gasped out, “Xiao Yi is turning blue in the face. You’ll really kill him!”
Jin Ling glared down at Yi Qi, still scratching at his ankle while his face turned pale. Jin Ling eased off a fraction, but Yi Qi’s gasp of air was far larger and louder than he anticipated.
“We have to go, now!” Si Zhui grabbed Jin Ling by the elbow and pulled him away. Jing Yi followed suit after putting a bottle of water next to Yi Qi’s head.
“What do you think you’re doing? Lan Si Zhui, you better let go of me!” Jin Ling struggled in Si Zhui’s hold. “Just because Lan Wang Ji married Xian-Jiu doesn’t mean-”
“Of course it doesn’t have to mean anything.” Si Zhui finally lead them to a stop under the awning of their dorm building. “The dynamics are not traditional. We need not be so traditional either.” Si Zhui tugged Jin Ling to get his attention. “But you are also my underclassman here. I have to make sure your behavior is not irresponsible or immoral.”
“Underclassman by one year!”
“One year is one year,” Jing Yi shot back. “Don’t think that you can neglect it so easily at school! Just because-”
“Ah Yi.” Si Zhui’s tone was sharp and Jing Yi bit off the rest of his sentence as if his mouth had been sealed shut. By the way his lips struggled, perhaps they had. “What Ah Yi means to say, is that we just want to help you. It’s true, my diedie is your jiujiu, and in the loosest sense, that makes us cousins. But I am here not because I am your biao ge, I’m here as your friend.
“You’ve been getting irritated easily lately. A lot more easily.” Si Zhui and Jin Ling ignored Jing Yi’s snort. “Do you want to talk about it?” Jin Ling kept his mouth shut an gave Si Zhui a look. “I see.”
“Why are you so rude!” Jing Yi’s lips finally opened. “Si Zhui and I agreed to not call you Ah Ling while we’re here at school, we don’t visit your classroom and we don’t offer to have lunch with you, today is the first time in two months that we’ve seen you! Did you want to actually kill someone today?”
“Yi Qi is an idiot. He was never going to die anyway.”
“You don’t know that! Did you actually see how blue his lips were? How long were you pressing on his chest before we got there?” Jing Yi stepped closer, to be within the same circle of space as Si Zhui and Jin Ling. “Ru Lan.” Each syllable of his name was said carefully, slowly, as if it was a prayer to soothe a beast instead of a name. “We aren’t here to judge you. We want to help you.”
“And what? What will you do? What can two upperclassmen do, even if your last name is Lan? Not even my last name spares me!” Jin Ling finally pulled his arm out of Si Zhui’s grasp. “I am not as soft as my mother. I am not as regimented as my father. I cannot achieve the heights Chang-jiu wants! I cannot humble myself like Xian-jiu wants! Heaven forbid Guan Shang-ye says anything! Will I suffer the remarks of Fang Mian-ye too?!
“And yet I’m too much! Too much like a Jiang all the same! Willful and doing as I please! Too much of a Jin all the same! I take what I want and demand what I want! What does it matter how I act now? Who will believe me if I say I’m one or the other?! So why should it matter how I act?!”
“Now that is spoken like a Wei,” Jing Yi mumbled. Si Zhui kicked him.
“Ru Lan, we can’t bear your burden.” Si Zhui’s hand on Jin Ling’s shoulder was soft, but not at all hesitant. “And it is a burden. But let us help lighten them.”
“And what do you know of burdens? Lan. Si. Zhui.” Jin Ling spat out Si Zhui’s name like something sour on his tongue.
“I know what burdens are and I know what my burdens are. They are different from yours, but no less heavy to me,” Si Zhui said calmly. He finally withdrew his hand, and Jin Ling felt heavier because of it. “This isn’t a competition to see who is the most hurt, the most burdened, the most deserving of anger or pity or shame.
“This is us trying to live as best we can within the life we have now. And if you want help to live as best you can, to be your best instead of whatever your family thinks is the best, Ah Yi and I want to help you. And if you think that to do that, we should not be your friends, then we will respect that.
“But Ru Lan, we want to be your friends. We want to help you. We want you to be our friend and help us.” Si Zhui extended his hand. “What do you say?” Jin Ling did not look at Si Zhui’s hand and after a few minutes it was retracted. “I see. We need not force such things.” Si Zhui bowed. “Thank you for considering it. Ah Yi, let’s go. We need to get back to class before Coach Zhang notices.”
The two silently walked off, unable to see the tears falling on the pavement.
------
“Ah, um, Si Zhui-ge… This is Si Zhui-ge, right?” Si Zhui checked the caller ID. Although it had been a few days since Jin Ling refused his friendship, that was no cause for Jin Ling’s voice to change so drastically over the phone.
“Yes? Speaking. Who is this? How did you get Jin Ru Lan’s phone?” Si Zhui’s tone was calm but urgent.
“Oh, no no no, I didn’t take it or anything! I promise Si Zhui-ge! This is Ouyang Zi Zhen! We were in the same class last year, but my father transferred me out, do you remember?”
“Oh! Ah Zhen! But, that still doesn’t-”
“Well… I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but I found Jin-gongzi passed out in front of a bar…”
Si Zhui stood up and Jing Yi sleepily cracked open an eye from his nap. “A bar? Now? It’s the middle of the day!”
“By the clothes he’s wearing, he must have been in there overnight…”
“Which bar is it?” Si Zhui shoved his feet into his sneakers, kicking at Jing Yi’s bed to rouse him further. “I’ll be on my way as soon as I can. Send me the address.”
“Of course, Si Zhui-ge! I’ll stay with Jin-gongzi until you get here.”
“Thank you, Ah Zhen. Let’s exchange numbers now so you can get in touch with me in case something happens…”
Finally roused, Jing Yi hurried to put his sneakers on and follow Si Zhui as he ran out of their dorm room to collect their errant friend.
------
“A bar? A bar of all places? He’s only fifteen! How did he even get drinks?!” Jing Yi groused and moaned as they dragged Jin Ling back to the dorm. And no amount of shushing or sealing his mouth with a half remembered silencing spell would impress upon him the importance of being inconspicuous with dragging Jin Ling back.
“You’re going to make it worse. Either keep your mouth shut until we get Ah Ling back to his room, or I’ll have to shut it for you again.”
“How are you even doing that?”
Si Zhui turned to look at Jing Yi with a blank face. “I have achieved the same level of enlightenment as a bodhisattva and now have the ability to silence mortals.”
“Really?!”
“No!” Si Zhui rolled his eyes. “Although that’s technically not entirely untrue…”
“Huh?!”
“Just walk faster, Ah Yi.”
“But I want to learn how to do it too!”
Topic successfully changed, Si Zhui bantered back and forth with Jing Yi over the way one would, hypothetically, use magic or spiritual power to seal another person’s mouth shut for approximately five minutes at a time. And potential experiments Si Zhui would want to try to increase the time indefinitely.
Suddenly Jing Yi was a willing participant. As long as he could learn how to do it too, of course.
------
Jin Ling woke up to a splitting headache and two other boys in his specifically single person dorm room, sitting perfectly at attention at his bedside. Jin Ling blinked, Si Zhui and Jing Yi were still there. He rubbed his eyes. Nothing had changed.
“I must have died and ended up in hell because there’s no other reason why you two are here to torment me.”
“If I wanted to torment you, I’d play the tracks I recorded of Si Zhui practicing his guqin,” Jing Yi offered. “You don’t want to know how badly some of those melodies went- OUCH!”
“Here, drink some water,” Si Zhui said as he offered the bottle, looking entirely like he didn’t just step on Jing Yi’s foot. “It’ll help you feel better.”
Jin Ling took several sips, but still eyed the other boys wearily. “Did you bring me back?”
“Of course. Although you should thank Ouyang Zi Zhen too. If he didn’t call me on your phone, who knows what sort of nonsense could have been started.” Si Zhui put his hands in his lap. “I won’t say more than that. I’m sure once your headache subsides, you’ll come up with worse scenarios.”
“Too late.” Jin Ling curled in on himself. “It’s such a disaster. I’m sure my parents have heard about it all the way in Lanling already.”
“Well, the bouncer and bar owners were hoping to sell the story. Fortunately, fuqin and diedie have been… very kind with my monthly allowance lately…”
Jin Ling sat up despite how it made him want to vomit. “They could have sold this story for a stupid amount of money to a whole number of tabloids. Millions of yuan. What did you do?”
“Oh nothing major…”
“Si Zhui!”
“Did you know serving alcohol to a minor is legally punishable by law if it gets reported?” Si Zhui’s eyes were particularly bright. “Especially if you knowingly serve a minor? A very well known minor? Who may or may not be associated with very large and rich families that you might attempt to extort? And those families might bring down such large legal challenges that your entire chain of bars might go out of business overnight?” Si Zhui smiled. “So once that was out in the open, the owner was much more agreeable to negotiating with a pair of high school students to keep quiet.”
“Si Zhui also did his weird silencing thing. OW! Hey! You’ve been using me for your experiments on that thing! I’m allowed to talk about-Mmph? MMM! MMMMMMM!”
“The point is, we’ve done what we can to keep it quiet.” Si Zhui nudged the water bottle again. “Come on, drink some more water, Ru Lan. You won’t get rehydrated after just a few sips.” Jin Ling just stared at the bottle. “Ru Lan? Do you need me to help you to the bathroom?”
“What are you doing, Si Zhui?”
“Hm?” Si Zhui’s smile faltered. “Helping? I hope.”
Jin Ling did not look up. “But why are you helping? What do you get out of it?”
“Does one have to get anything out of helping? Or being a friend? Is it not enough of a reward to have helped, to simply be a friend?”
“Not for people like us.”
Outside of the silencing spell, Jing Yi stayed quiet and only glanced at Si Zhui. Si Zhui nodded. “For many of our classmates? I would say that’s true. They all want something. Even if it’s for us to fail.
“But for Jing Yi and I, we just want to be friends with you.” Si Zhui tugged on Jing Yi’s sleeve. “We’ll leave you to get some rest. If you need anything, you can text me. Or come to our room. We’re just one floor up.”
Jin Ling quietly let the pair leave. But it was only just after Si Zhui had closed their door that someone knocked. Jin Ling looked as if he had dragged himself up the stairs, but Si Zhui waited patiently for what he had to say.
“I heard… some of the seniors say... fried chicken is good for a hangover. Do you… do you and Jing Yi want to come get some with me?”
Si Zhui turned to look at Jing Yi who was already putting his sneakers back on before offering Jin Ling a smile. “It sounds great, Ru Lan. Let me get my wallet.”
------
“So the game is that you take your thumb like this,” Jing Yi put his thumb up, “and then you try to push it backwards and-”
“Mine won’t go down, it’s too stiff,” Si Zhui said as he attempted to push his thumb. Suddenly Jin Ling snorted and collapsed onto the table, full of giggles amid chicken bones and dipping sauce cups. Si Zhui turned to Jing Yi, hoping for an explanation, but Jing Yi was similarly affected. “What are you both- Oh. Oh god.”
“Hahaha, Si Zhui, who knew you were so… potent,” Jing Yi snorted out.
“Oh gosh, and he said it with such a straight face!” Jin Ling had tears in his eyes.
Si Zhui was torn between admonishing the two and laughing with them.
He chose to laugh instead.
At the very least, the chicken restaurant didn’t kick them out for all the noise considering the fact that they had ordered another large round of scallion fried chicken.
------
The next day, Jin Ling came to their classroom, bearing several buns from the bakery down the street that everyone fought over. “Si Zhui, Jing Yi, do you… do you want to have lunch with me? I got extra curry buns from the bakery.”
“It’s so hard to buy one! How did you get extra?” Jing Yi peered into the bag. “Did… Did Si Zhui teach you the weird silencing thing?”
“Of course not,” Jin Ling snapped. “I bought the bakery instead. It was easier.”
“WHAT?!”
“Dummy, how are you my upperclassman.” Jin Ling shoved Jing Yi. And while it looked harsh, the push lacked force. Jing Yi blinked and Si Zhui only smiled. “Of course I didn’t buy the bakery. I just called ahead and put it in as a special catering order.”
“That is… really clever.”
“Are you going to flatter me all day or will you eat? I don’t care either way.” Jin Ling turned to walk out and Jing Yi chased after.
“Dibs on the chickpea curry bun!”
That got Si Zhui’s attention. “No fair! I want that one!” He chased after them as well.
------
A few weeks later, after many lunches and silly hangouts, Jin Ling opened his door to find Jing Yi waving a DVD case in his face. “Just released on DVD! That crazy American movie with the guy that just kills everyone when he gets pissed off.”
“That is... the synopsis to a lot of American movies, Jing Yi. Be more specific.”
“John Wick!”
“Oh…” Jin Ling looked over his shoulder at his desk. All his assignments were done. Track practice had ended earlier in the morning. “Did you buy popcorn?”
“Duh.”
“And those dried persimmons I like?”
Jing Yi made a face. “I don’t know how you can eat popcorn with dried persimmons like that, but yes.”
Jin Ling shrugged. “I wouldn’t expect an uncultured guy like you to understand the delicate combination of sweet and salty that is popcorn with dried persimmon pieces.”
“Well at least you don’t eat radish sticks while watching movies.”
“Si Zhui is so weird.”
“Yeah…” They both gave each other knowing looks. “Well, come on then! I’ll go get the popcorn ready!”
“Let me grab my phone!”
Two hours later, Jing Yi was passed out as Jin Ling and Si Zhui continued to watch the movie. Si Zhui delicately picked at the popcorn, but appeared to be favoring the dried persimmon. Jin Ling ate some of Si Zhui’s radish sticks after every few handfuls of popcorn. The sound of shouting and gunfire from the only slightly subpar speaker system was slowly becoming dull.
“Ru Lan, if you like we can-”
“You don’t have to call me Ru Lan anymore.” Jin Ling did not look at Si Zhui. “I mean, everyone else has to, but you and… You, Zhui-ge, and Yi-ge don’t.”
Si Zhui’s eyes widened and softened at Jin Ling’s address. “Ru Lan, you are old enough to decide how you want us to address you.”
Jin Ling huffed. “Barely.”
“Fifteen is old enough. All the teachers already call you Ru Lan.”
Jin Ling flicked an unpopped corn kernel at Jing Yi’s face. He didn’t stir. “Only because I asked fuqin to tell them to.” Jin Ling turned a bored expression on to Si Zhui, but reading his eyes, Si Zhui knew there was more. So he waited. Jin Ling turned away before speaking again. “I was hoping… if I made everyone call me by my courtesy name… They’d… I don’t know… But it had to be something better than… Than just saying I’m not enough of one family or another. That I’d finally be me.”
“Ru Lan is Ru Lan. You aren’t responsible for the way other people have pictured you. Diedie taught me that.”
“He also taught you how to swap covers between porn novels and your fuqin’s poetry books.”
“Some lessons were, naturally, more useful than others.” Si Zhui nibbled on another piece of radish. “But it’s a lesson he wants you to learn too. Some people grow under the weight of expectation, like fuqin. Some people bend or find ways out of it, like diedie. And some people…” Si Zhui winced. “Like Cheng-jiu, handle pressure in their own manner.”
Jin Ling paused. “I don’t know if I’d call what Cheng-jiu does, ‘handling pressure.’”
“He hasn’t killed diedie yet.”
“Not for lack of trying,” Jin Ling mumbled.
“What I’m trying to say,” Si Zhui said while pushing forward, “Is that you have to learn to find your way and that it’s enough. You can’t please everyone, even if it’s your parents. You need to be happy with who you are.”
“And what about you? Are you happy with who you are, Zhui-ge?”
“Sometimes. But I admit, it’s a work in progress.”
They watched the movie in silence for a few more minutes, letting the credits roll. Jing Yi rolled over in his sleep. Jin Ling removed the blanket from his legs and threw it over the other boy before dusting himself off.
“I… I want you to call me Ah Ling, if you want to.” Jin Ling twisted the end of his hoodie strings. “And… If it’s okay… Can I call you Yuan-ge instead?” Jin Ling turned around after smoothing the blanket over Jing Yi. “Zhui-ge just sounds weird. Doesn’t roll off the tongue.”
“Inherited all the bad qualities of his father and uncle, and none of the good qualities of his mother,” Si Zhui recited. “Unable to talk about his feelings for more than fifteen seconds at a time, but still cries and gets upset.” Jin Ling bristled, the memory of Wei Wu Xian saying the same thing not too long ago echoed in his mind. “Of course you can call me Yuan-ge. And I will be happy to call you Ah Ling.” Si Zhui smiled and offered a hand. “Let’s be closer as friends, and cousins if you like, Ah Ling.”
Jin Ling sighed and made an expression as if he was eating bitter gourd, but his grip was warm and tight as he took Si Zhui’s hand, shook it once, and practically fled the room. But Jin Ling stopped in the doorway to quietly say, “Thank you, Yuan-ge,” before running away.
Si Zhui smiled before looking at Jing Yi, who had started snoring. He nudged Jing Yi with his foot. “Come on you, you missed all the good parts of the movie and Ah Ling being friendly. What good are you anymore?”
Jing Yi cracked an eye open. “Did we do it? Did we get him to stop being a jerk?”
“It’s a work in progress, Ah Yi.”
“I’m not hearing a yes.”
Si Zhui’s expression flattened. “You’re going to hear me kick you if you don’t help me clean up all the popcorn you threw everywhere after John Wick’s dog got kidnapped.”
“It was one handful!”