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It had been a little harder to survive, since Gunther’s passing. Untouched by time and suffering, free at last, he lay underneath sunkissed meadows. Siegfried could feel the remorse that remained in the wake of his blade. A dear friend, lost forever to the trials and tribulations of time. Another oath failed to uphold.
Siegfried had never had trouble with the “staying alive” part of it; it was more about how life had seemed to come to a standstill for his eyes only.
The sun kept rising every day, cruelly, as if making a mockery out of his mourning. It would shine way too radiant through windows in the morning, and paint the sky all the colors of fire just before dusk. Wasn’t it supposed to be the beginning of autumn, anyway? After all that had transpired, the Sky Realm wouldn’t even bother to grant him the bittersweet mercy of a grey cloudy day or a little fall of rain to match his melancholy.
In spite of the doleful quietude reigning over his heart, the days kept marching on at their usual beat: unrelenting and certain. Siegfried had never been the type to let himself slack on his duties even in dire situations, and he was not about to make an exception. He made sure to stay busy as ever, unfalteringly showing up to every mission and expedition. His training sessions became longer and harsher than ever then, and he would not let a single minute stray in favor of recollection.
He knew the abyss his mind was looming over. He knew not its depths, but its pitch black darkness and its terrifying visage (at the bottom of the pit lay the dragon's open maw, threatening to swallow his being whole). And so, he made sure to push his body as close to its limit as possible every single day. He would head to bed feeling utterly exhausted, ready for vacant silence to engulf his existence; just to make sure there was no energy left in his own consciousness to taunt him with ghosts of the past.
In such a way the days passed, one after another.
Against his best efforts and half a skydom away, the bigger part of his heart had remained in the sunlit valleys of his beloved homeland. So many years had passed him by, and still it was hard to accept just how large a part of his life and his youth laid now in a small cemetery by the training grounds. Dear friends, dear liege. The open hands and welcoming smiles that had once taught him life could be gentle and warm.
The hurt clawed at his being incessantly, the wound still fresh and gaping. The sinking feeling of something gone forever. Such moments where not even words, not even tears were enough to grasp the expanse, the depths of pain. In his heart of hearts he found it hard to convince himself that life had kept on bustling and time still moved forward.
With a prayer in his mind and a gentle smile on his lips, he tried to keep moving forward as well.
One of such days, Siegfried was back on the Grandcypher’s deck after a mission that had been completed rather quickly. The local army had competently aided the crew and, since the monsters were relatively weak, it was over in a flash. Siegfried himself barely had to break a sweat, being already so above this level of battle.
The first thing he heard upon setting foot on the ship was Lyria’s voice enthusiastically calling out to him.
In spite of his somber mood, he couldn’t help but smile at the girl’s overflowing energy. She ran up to him as quick as her little feet allowed, flashing the brightest grin in the whole wide sky when she finally stood right in front of the knight. Vyrn caught up to her just a second after, wings flapping as he waved a paw at Siegfried.
“Siegfried! We have something very, very important to tell you!”, Lyria spoke, sounding so eager it gave Siegfried the impression she had been waiting all morning just to talk to him.
His eyes clenched in endearment. “Were you two waiting for me to come back?”
“Yes-”
“No!”, Vyrn cut her off.
“Uwa?”, Lyria’s head whipped towards the dragon in surprise, while Siegfried seemed amused at the exchange.
“We didn’t! We were simply walking around here and we happened to see you, and since we had something to say, we took the chance and came over!”
“Ah… Y-yes! It’s true! We were just passing by!!”
Siegfried’s head tilted to the side slightly. He held back a laugh, reading right through their little white lie as he had literally just watched them run all the way from the other edge of the deck to where they now stood. They were definitely plotting something. This ought to be fun.
“I see. So, what do you two need?”
“Um! We… We need to ask you a favor!”. The excitement bubbling up in Lyria’s speech was a little more than usual. She clasped her hands together as she looked up at Siegfried expectantly.
“We have a mission for you… “, Vyrn paused to look around suspiciously, “...but it’s a secret mission.”
“Oh? Secret?”
“Yes! Super secret! It’s very very important that no one hears about it!”
“Shh! Don’t talk so loud, Lyria!”
The girl’s own hands covered her mouth immediately, as she spoke a muffled “sorry”.
“A secret mission, huh? So what is it about?”, Siegfried asked, thinking it most likely had something to do with killing monsters or moving a very heavy rock. Those were the kind of things he was usually needed for, after all.
“That’s confidential! We can’t tell you until it’s time for the mission. But it’s very important that you keep your schedule clear for the rest of the day.”
“Yes! Extremely important! Super super important!” Lyria’s hands had balled into fists at her chest as she spoke. That’s how important it was.
Siegfried could feel his smile widening the slightest bit. He sighed calmly, wondering at which point he had become so accustomed to this kind of antics being a part of his daily life. The familiarity of it all was comforting.
“Alright, got it. I’ll be ready. Am I allowed some time for a bath and a meal, though?”
“Yes, of course! We’ll come get you a while later!”
“Actually, someone else might come pick you up. We’ll be a little busy with preparations.”
Lyria’s mouth opened and closed again, as she mentally checked over something. “Right! But they’ll let you know it’s for the mission.”
Siegfried gave them an amused smile and a gentle pat on their heads, and agreed. He owed much to them, after all. Perhaps the secrecy involved some sort of surprise for another crewmate? He decided not to dwell on it.
Today’s weather was nice. To Siegfried’s expert eye, there was no doubt it would rain by evening.
The cold wind felt refreshing on his hair and skin. It had been a while since the last time he walked on deck wearing anything other than his full armor. Despite how hard he had been trying to keep himself busy, it felt nice to take a moment to simply lean on the railings and take in the scenery laid out below.
The Grandcypher had been docked in this island for a couple days. For most of the crew, it had been a time of restful quiet. By the looks of it, this place was a fairly developed country with a lot of urbanization, and the capital seemed to be deeply connected to the musical arts. Some of his crewmates had been excited to wander about the city.
Siegfried hadn’t found himself in the mood to venture much, but just last night the dining room had been lively with conversation about the picturesque town. Percival, who had needed to run some of the usual diplomatic errands, chatted to him a little bit about the country’s tradition, the fine architecture and how he’d been thinking about seeing the local orchestra (a barely contained glimmer of excitement would light up his sharp features in such moments, and it never failed to get a smile out of Siegfried).
Vane had gushed something about local food as well, and of course Percival had barked something about how a mongrel such as him can’t appreciate the fine subtleties of art. The whole thing had spiraled into their usual chaotic banter, and when Siegfried breathed out an amused laugh, his comrades’ stares had fixed on him with relieved interest. It made him wonder if he really hadn’t laughed like that in a while.
Being the constant focus of attention and worry was something he couldn’t quite get used to, but finding that some things remained warm and real even through the hurt comforted him so.
Lost in thought as he was, the approach of a familiar presence suddenly shook him out of his entrancement. A hand came to rest on his shoulder, gently.
As he turned to face the man before him, a familiar rush of warmth washed over his senses.
“Percival? I thought you’d be busy today, as well.”
He made sure to muster up an affable smile. It probably wouldn’t work, but trying to ease Percival’s mind a little was the least he could do. Ruby eyes roamed over his visage, evaluating. He would deny it until his dying breath, but Siegfried knew this man to be kind and empathic beyond what he’d ever admit. With a look that felt much too tender in contrast to the man’s usual self confidence (all his life Siegfried had thought of romance as something foreign that happened to strangers, and even now, after months of hungry kisses and wandering hands and sleepless nights, it felt strange to think of himself as someone’s lover and be treated as such), Percival’s hand moved to tuck one of Siegfried’s loose hair strands behind his ear, and he finally spoke.
“Yesterday I was done with negotiations, but this morning the authorities wanted to drag me around town a little. So I’m free to do as I please, for now.”
Siegfried nodded and opened his mouth to speak when a single finger was placed over his lips, shushing him effectively.
Percival’s smirk was confident as ever, but there was a certain sweetness to it.
“I’m here to escort you.”
Thick eyebrows furrowed in confusion at that.
“You? But Lyria said…”, and then Siegfried’s eyes lit up in realization, as he gave Percival a disapproving look. “Ah, so they helped you rope me in.”
Percival was gloating . “It’s your own fault for being so stubborn. I had to make sure you had no room to refuse.” After leaning closer and pressing a gentle kiss to Siegfried’s cheek, he quickly turned to walk to the inner rooms. “Hurry. We have to get you properly dressed, and I’m not missing the show.”
Siegfried’s face puffed up in indignation, like a child who had just been reprimanded (did he just say show? Was Percival dragging him somewhere fancy ??).
Percival turned his head back and added: “Ah, and we’re doing something about your hair this time. No buts. I can’t have you making me look bad after I just established a trade agreement.”
Siegfried breathed deeply, all but pouting as he watched Percival walk away. Unbelievable. He should have seen this coming.
The concept of going somewhere full of people was honestly a little jarring, but it had been quite a while since they were last able to spend any quiet time together. So, he figured, it was fair enough.
Reluctantly he followed suit, guessing he might as well try to unwind and have a little fun.
Siegfried had absolutely no clue what he was supposed to wear, but luckily a beacon of light shone upon him in the last minute: he remembered Korwa had gifted him an outfit once, and other than trying it on he’d never got the chance to wear it. Not that he was much too fond of pompous clothing either way, but he figured it might be fitting for the occasion. Percival did always pester him about not taking proper care of his appearance.
It was a rather simple design: mostly a regular three piece suit, accompanied by a matching ascot. The way it was embroidered, however, with delicate patterns waving around the fine silk and bringing it all together, made it stand out. The cut was delicate and smooth, rather than overtly sharp or ostentatious. Siegfried wasn’t sure he was cut out for this kind of thing, but he definitely trusted the seamstress’ expert eye and rather liked the look of it.
It had been a thank you gift from her part, in return for a favor. Something about “creating a happy ending for someone” or such, she had said. Of course it wasn’t made or designed by her, as she specialized in dresses, but she had picked it out herself from a shop whose owner she was currently working with.
Siegfried himself wouldn’t have asked for something in return, but after she coerced him into trying it on and she and Metera had spent half an hour gushing over how handsome he looked in it, it was simply impossible to turn her down. He smiled down at her, saying he guessed he'd find the occasion to wear it eventually. She nodded, and her smile had been radiant as a moonlit night.
Siegfried smiled to himself, reminiscing such events as he finished buttoning his vest. The various ways in which he had bonded with crewmates from all walks of life was dear to him.
A short series of knocks on the door shook him out of his musings. The familiar beat was registered in his brain since his time serving as Captain back in the capital.
“Percival, come in.”
The door creaked open. Siegfried turned back, heart aflutter in anticipation. He was far from a lovesick teenager, but Percival always looked his best. Siegfried knew today would be no exception.
And oh, wasn’t he right.
Clad in red and gold and black, the man before him embodied everything one would imagine upon hearing the word royal . All the embellishments on his outfit flattered his figure. A dark red sash served to highlight the slender waist, and a gold collar adorned by red jewels brought attention to the chiseled neck and collarbones.
One detail in particular caused Siegfried’s heart to skip a beat, however: Percival was wearing his hair almost the same as he would during his service as vice captain, under his own command. Siegfried had always been fond of it: the way little strands curled inwards at his cheeks, framing the delicate features with finesse. It brought him back; made him feel a little younger, a little more fearless.
Of course, Siegfried was not so eloquent as to weave such words together, even in the quiet of his own mind. His lips simply parted, exhaling in appreciation after holding his breath just long enough for the other man to notice.
Percival, however, responded in kind. Ever silver tongued, he simply stood there now. Eyes wide open and thin brows arched upwards, he softly stepped inside the room. He took his sweet time to gawk at Siegfried’s built form as told by burgundy and silver embroidering over black silk. The deep appreciation in his countenance caused his features to soften. There was not a trace left of the usual irascible demeanor: the look in his eyes was tender, when they finally met Siegfried’s gaze. They mirrored the way Percival would look at him eons ago, over campfires and nearby chatter of friends and comrades in arms, at the slow beat of falling in love without quite realizing it yet.
Gold eyes clenched in response, stirring the tones of a sunkissed wheat field in a summer day. Ruby flinched, ever so slightly, at the radiance of the sun.
It had always been this way between them: both were the type to hold eye contact, rather than look away. Percival’s piercing glare was intimidating to many, but not to a mountain made man. Siegfried’s hard earned temperance was ever steady, and it rose as the most alluring challenge when directed at the crimson flame.
Siegfried’s lips broke into a smile at last, matching the tenderness already swirling in his eyes.
“You look stunning as ever.”
Percival answered with the vague hint of a smile. This one was far from his signature smirk and, though it was gone in a heartbeat, Siegfried made sure to treasure it in the back of his mind’s eye.
He walked up to Siegfried, immediately busying himself with fixing the crumpled ascot. He spoke confidently as ever, without looking into Siegfried’s eyes. “You’ve had this suit for… How long? And I’ve never seen you wear it?”
Siegfried’s smile stayed in place, amused and endeared as ever at this little routine of theirs. Maybe Lancelot was onto something when he said they acted like an old married couple.
“Well, my duties normally entail fighting and getting covered in dust and grime. Unlike those of Your Royal Majesty.”
He pulled Siegfried a little closer by his shirt’s collar, giving him a stern look. “Don’t give me that. You know you don’t try.”
Siegfried held back a chuckle at that. “Fair enough.”
It had been a joke but, truly, in Siegfried’s mind, no one in the whole wide sky could ever carry the title of prince quite the way Percival did. With such poise, such grace.
Percival, meanwhile, was still entertained fussing over every little crumple of his suit. “You brushed your hair, didn’t you?”
Being scolded like this was endlessly entertaining, if a little annoying. “I did. After last time, I’m never letting you do it for me again. Ever .”
It was Percival’s turn to stifle a laugh now. “For how ridiculously sturdy your whole body is, your roots are oddly sensitive.”
“Maybe you’re just a brute.”
“Fair.”
The smug grin plastered all over his face was just… So Percival.
“Turn around. I want to try something.”
“You’re not braiding it.”
“Not that! Come on, turn around. We’re short on time.”
Sighing a little too dramatically, Siegfried obeyed. Surprisingly gentle hands grabbed through his dark locks, tying it all up into a low ponytail. Soon enough it hung over his shoulder, tied with a dark red ribbon. Percival grasped softly at his arm, signaling him to turn back. And so he did.
Percival’s hand came to rest over Siegfried’s cheek, thumb idly ghosting over worn skin.
“See? I’ve told you a billion times. You look gorgeous when you actually try. Causing a good impression is important.”
Siegfried responded with his signature, catlike smile, and Percival would never admit to the way it made his heart flip inside his chest.
“What a compliment, coming from you… Percival called me pretty .”
Percival almost pouted in indignation. He tugged at Siegfried’s cheek with little force, as a reprimand. “Don’t kill the mood like that.”
Siegfried could feel the laughter almost pouring out from his lips, when Percival closed in with a kiss. It was over much too soon, upon the first touch of tongue over tongue. Percival pulled back, one hand lingering over his lover’s shoulder. His voice was low, his eyes half lidded.
“Hurry now. I won’t be late, not even for you.”
Said and done, he put forth distance between their bodies and dashed out the door without so much as one more glance. Siegfried stared for a couple beats, and then smiled to himself. At the way Percival had chided him for killing the mood, and then immediately stormed out for the sake of decorum.
Siegfried considered himself a complete stranger to romance. He was dense beyond belief, and never seemed to catch on to its subtleties. Percival, on the other hand, was far more self aware and detail oriented. He certainly had more of a flair for romance; far more than Siegfried. In the quiet solace of his own mind, Siegfried knew him to have a penchant for it, more than he outwardly let on in. And still, his stern and solemn demeanor often betrayed him in that department.
They were birds of a feather, in such ways.
The sight of the town from up above, the chill of the cold wind on his skin and the colors of the clouding twilight sky made it all feel like a dream. As Siegfried gazed sideways from over the bridge, he let his mind wander into unexplored lands. Wondering, for a moment, what would things be like if he had been a different person leading a different life. What if maybe tonight was all that mattered, if there was no uncertain future looming over his head and no bittersweet stories of days gone by to lull him into not-so-peaceful slumber.
Percival’s gaze fixed on him, went unnoticed by the Dragonslayer for the larger part of their walk. He observed, quietly, the way gentle eyes roamed over the cityscape under the shine of orange streetlight. Siegfried needed to unwind. To keep on moving, to feel less alone. That was his priority for the night. The thought of coming closer, striking up a conversation, walking arm in arm crossed his mind, but he decided against it. He himself appreciated silence and idle time spent in quiet company, and he knew Siegfried to be of the same mind. There would be plenty of time for chatter, after all. Right now, he wanted Siegfried to enjoy himself in whichever way was most comfortable.
When Siegfried finally averted his gaze from the scene of the slowly dimming city life, Percival met him with a smile.
“Pretty, isn’t it?”
“Very. I’m almost jealous of the people who get this view as a part of their daily lives.”
“Really? I’m content enough to be here for a couple days, if I get to see it with you.”
“Percival?”
“What?”
“That is… too sweet. Almost suspiciously sweet for you. Is something up?”
Percival stopped in his tracks, one step ahead of Siegfried, and turned his head back. A smile adorned his lips again, but oh, this one was unmistakably sweet.
“I’m in the mood to spoil you tonight. Don’t make me regret it.”
The rest of the evening passed by, shrouded in the same dreamy haze of blurring streetlights and little droplets falling timidly, a prelude of the rainfall to come.
Turns out, Percival brought them to watch the orchestra he had mentioned the night before. They were holding an anniversary concert of sorts, and he had made good use of his connections to borrow tickets from the uptown men he’d been rubbing shoulders with for the sake of diplomacy. The seats were the best he could get: center and front, but not precisely front row.
He thought Siegfried might be feeling a little out of place, so he tried for some idle chatter. He talked to Siegfried about the way the musicians were always positioned to favor the acoustic of the room, and in the middle of a phrase the room was suddenly shaken by the sound of instruments tuning in unison. Siegfried’s attention was irreparably lost.
Nevertheless, there was a glimmer in his eyes. With a satisfied grin, Percival settled for getting comfortable in his own seat. Through all the battles and trials they had faced in tandem, his analytic nature had always led him to try his best to know and understand the man at his side. He knew Siegfried himself was unaware of his own sensibilities, his tenderness, his affinity with beautiful and heartfelt things. Things done with care and diligence. Percival could tell. It showed through the silent pride lighting up his smile whenever he looked over Lunalu’s drawings or helped Sara and Danua add the finishing touches on their sand castle, carefully placing seashells over its little towers. For all these things and many others he carefully stored away in his memories, he held no doubt Siegfried would enjoy the concert.
And so it was. Gold eyes remained fixed on the stage. Percival had always adored symphonic concerts and still, no symphony or performance could hold a candle to the reflections of light swimming through his lover’s eyes, stirred by emotion. Lips half open in an awed expression, hands intertwined over his lap. In spite of his best effort at paying attention to the masterful performance taking place before his very eyes, his gaze kept escaping to the man at his side.
He found himself staring in awe at Siegfried. This man he’d known for so many years, seen from so many angles and under so many lights, and still he never tired of it. Even now, after tight embraces and sleepless nights, the larger part of his heart never stopped feeling grateful and amazed at the fact that Siegfried was still nearby, alive, innocent and in one piece. After walking through hell on earth on more than one occasion, here he stood: still struggling until the bitter end.
Percival let himself get entertained for a while with trying to guess what thoughts rushed through Siegfried’s mind. Would he be mindlessly getting lost in the notes and the harmonies? Did they bring back memories of happier times? (Percival hoped, from the very bottom of his heart, that he was making Siegfried as happy as heaven allowed, but he deeply understood this man carried a weight heavy as the sky itself. He knew love ought not to try to heal or complete the other, but rather, carry him and stay at his side through light and darkness alike.) And he found it poetic as well, knowing his guesses were no more than guesses; he may never know just what exactly went through his beloved’s head as the sound of trumpets and violins broke through the air.
At last the music came to a halt, and Siegfried turned his head to face him. His eyes were still open wide in wonder as his gaze met Percival’s own. Percival surprised himself with his own reaction: he didn’t feel ashamed at all. He would not have minded if Siegfried could read his mind and somehow find out he’d been eyeing him during the larger part of the show.
Percival showed him an effortless smile.
Still seemingly lost amidst a sea of emotions, Siegfried’s lips opened to speak. Before his voice could properly come out, the host’s voice resounded and they both turned their focus to the stage once again. An erune woman in a pure white gown stood when the curtains rose: a soprano would perform, to end the concert on a grand note.
Siegfried was not at all well versed on symphonic music, but now… Something about this particular piece tugged at his heartstrings a little too tight. It sounded vaguely familiar, like a long lost childhood lullaby. But it wasn’t that, he was sure. As music weaved through the atmosphere, he closed his eyes and tried to search for the answer.
Nearing the end of the song, realization struck him: it was a melody Kriemhild used to hum under her breath, during the rare idle times they had shared at the old tavern back in the Capital.
All too soon the music faded, and the warmth of Percival’s hand over his shoulder gently shook him back into reality. Present day, with all its ghosts. He opened his eyes and only then did he notice the hot trail of tears trickling down his cheeks.
He blinked one, two, three times, not knowing how to react at his own grief or at Percival’s worry. He knew a friendly smile wouldn’t get him out of this one, so he didn’t bother. His gaze remained lost in between the nothingness.
The hand on his shoulder clutched ever so slightly. “Let’s head out for some air.”
“Thank you”, he breathed out, barely above a whisper.
Not knowing a single thing about the town or the building, he let Percival take the lead. They walked out through the hallways, took a couple turns and came into an open balcony, watching over the city and even the tall bridge they had crossed on the way there. The wind had grown harsher, and it carried a light drizzle. Rain clouds loomed over their heads, way up above. The air felt crisp and clean in every breath.
Siegfried stepped ahead towards the edge. Percival knew Siegfried wouldn’t let himself cry in earnest, no matter what he said. He breathed deeply, almost a sigh, and stepped closer.
The sight from up above was breathtaking. The growing fall of rain made the city lights blur in the distance, making it all look like an impressionist painting. The mountains far ahead were outlined by a faint glimmer of moonlight.
He couldn’t say for how long the silence stretched. It carried them both through the haze; the shine of the moment, the majesty of it all. The building was grandiose, and it made them both feel small. Siegfried felt small in the face of all his personal tragedies; his perceived inability to protect those he cherished most. Percival felt small and helpless against the weight of the world hanging from Siegfried’s own heart.
Percival glanced aside over his shoulder. Siegfried’s eyes were downcast. He rarely looked so despondent and, whenever he did, it was moments where he thought it would go unnoticed. The sheer fact that he was letting the mask down when he knew Percival’s attention was on him, was telling of how insidious the misery stirred inside his chest. At the very least, it was a sign of walls coming down and trust building up.
“Siegfried.”
His body eerily still, Siegfried sighed deeply. His eyes closed, and his head cast downwards a bit more, as if in shame. Even now, he mustered up a smile.
“You went through all this trouble to cheer me up, and here I am getting all nostalgic. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I don’t need you to put on an act for me.”
“I guess you’re right.”
The spell of silence threatened to fall over them again, and the sting of tragedies gone and tragedies to come loomed heavy over Percival’s heart. The bittersweet urgency of you’re here tonight but you might not be here tomorrow caused him to rush for the best words to say. As if to match his train of thought, the wind began to blow a little faster.
He kept coming up dry. Nothing seemed right enough. Still, he settled for the next best thing. The night only lasted so long, and moments were far too fleeting.
“I knew you carried a troubled past, from the moment we met. I chose you with all your scars, not in spite of them.”
As he spoke, Percival turned his back towards the vast emptiness and leaned back on the balcony’s railings. His gaze turned towards the clouded sky, as if it was the natural thing to do. You ponder life and time, you stare at the sky. His eyes almost hoped to find a starry sight; he was met with fog and rain clouds instead.
He could feel Siegfried’s form shifting, his back straightening somewhat. He took that as a small personal victory.
“You’ll have to forgive me for saying such things after all we’ve been through, but… I still wonder. Why you chose (a monster) a man like me.”
Percival breathed in, deep and paused, and then exhaled in a quiet sigh. It would always make him angry, whenever Siegfried spoke of himself like he was nothing. He took good care to let all of his anger dissipate in that one breath. Anger was not what Siegfried needed right now.
“You’ll have to keep wondering, then. I’m not changing my mind.”
Siegfried exhaled, low and deep, a soft laugh. His voice would always rumble deep from his chest, cavernous and visceral.
“I can live with that. I just hope you won’t come to regret it.”
“Stop.”
In the silence of the night only interrupted by the gentle strumming of a light drizzle, he could tell Siegfried held his breath for a moment. It took one more second to notice he’d been holding his, as well.
He took another deep breath, preparing for the backlash over words he had not begun to speak yet.
“I can’t ask you to let go of all your guilt. I won’t make believe I understand what you’ve been through. But get this through your head: I don’t blame you for any of it.”
“Percival…”
“I know whatever I say won’t ease your mind about Gunther, but… Isabella was not your fault. And neither was Hagen.”
Siegfried finally stared back at him, and the look of utter pain in his eyes hurt deep as a sharpened blade. Percival had placed his fingertips on the gaping wound, in an attempt to soothe it. He knew his words had been tactless. He trusted Siegfried to understand why he’d struck right where it hurt, so he bit back the apology on the tip of his tongue.
Siegfried looked down again, breaking into a bittersweet smile. His half lidded eyes roamed towards the city below.
“Kriemhild would always invite me to plays and concerts, you know? And I would always refuse. It’s true I was busy with my duties most of the time, but… Part of me thought it was useless to waste time in anything that wouldn’t serve to make me stronger.” Whether he referred to music itself or to the act of bonding with another human being, he said not. Percival had a hunch it was a bit of both.
“You… You’ve changed, though.” Percival’s stare lingered on Siegfried’s, even when the other man was lost somewhere far away.
“I have. They changed me. King Josef taught me many things as well… And many more I only came to understand after he left my side.”
The last line had sounded so personal, it felt like it didn’t quite belong to a knight talking about his liege. To Percival, it mirrored the pain he himself carried in the depths of his heart, locked and treasured away like a sacred amulet.
The image of King Josef and captain Siegfried of the Black Dragons had never left him after all those years. He came to Feendrache from a world of cold prestige: he loved his land of Wales with the very fervor of fire, but his father’s and Aglovale’s company had shaped him into feeling ashamed of his own kindness, thinking of it as weakness. Then came into picture a king who ruled his people with an iron fist and a heart noble unlike any other, and of course, his commander whose eyes would clench with emotion whenever he watched children playing in the peaceful fields of his beloved Feendrache, from afar. These two men had changed everything Percival thought he knew about what it meant to be strong.
And here was the legend in the flesh, the Dragonslayer himself. Broken and battered and still keeping his heart gentle and kind, beneath the armor. Without a shadow of doubt, in Percival’s heart, he remained the only true symbol of unshakable strength.
“Siegfried.”
Before he could settle on the words to say next, Siegfried’s stare left him frozen in place. The vibrant tones of sunlight filtering through autumn trees swirled in his eyes. The colors were warm and yet they told of a deep melancholy. Colder than the midnight wind and the rain falling, heavier now, over their backs.
"I'm not afraid of pain or death. But I can't think of a fate worse than hurting those I swore to protect."
Through all their time together, all the trials faced and the battles lost and won, he had never seen Siegfried looking so open and sincere and utterly vulnerable.
"Siegfried." Even now, a litany whispered into the night wind, his voice was firm and sharp.
The only response he got was Siegfried’s eyes clenching. Percival wondered if it was an attempt to keep tears from falling.
A warm hand gently stretched ahead to cover the side of Siegfried's face.
Percival would normally look straight into people's eyes and hold eye contact even after the other faltered. It was, partially, an attempt at control. It allowed him to analyze every little gesture and feel like he could stay on top of things.
This time, however, his eyes were begging Siegfried's not to look away.
"This twisted joke of a world doesn't deserve you."
Siegfried gasped at that, and the way his voice broke was a telltale sign of tears threatening to fall. He didn’t look away, nevertheless. Percival felt the impulse of simply pulling the man before him into a tight embrace wash over him.
Even now, with a pain that belonged to a hundred lifetimes rather than his 32 years of age, he gathered the light left in his heart into a warm smile.
“You go to such lengths for a monster like me. For a ticking time bomb.”
“Please. If you’re a monster, then I must be the absolute scum of the earth.”
“You could have so much more.”
“I want you . You know this.”
Siegfried’s hand came to rest over Percival’s own, face leaning carefully into his warm touch. He closed his eyes for a moment, smile fading away.
Once again it felt impossible to find the right words to say. Percival knew himself helpless in the face of Siegfried’s grief and remorse. It would have been hypocritical and selfish either way, to demand that he stop viewing himself as a monster, after all that had taken place and couldn’t be undone. After he was forced to run from the very homeland he had dedicated his life and his youth to. After he was blamed for the death of the man who had given him meaning and been the closest thing to a father he had ever known. After he was branded a fugitive; after Lancelot had pointed a blade at him.
After Percival himself had wandered about, losing his own mind, trying to drill into his brain that his beloved Captain had turned out to be a scoundrel and a traitor.
There had, indeed, been a moment where everyone Siegfried held dear was either dead or pointing accusatory fingers at him. There was no point in denying it. He could not take back the scars, nor the thoughts it had instilled into Siegfried’s heart. He knew some of the reasons Siegfried called himself a monster, and no doubt there were a handful more, locked deeper yet.
Siegfried’s eyes opened halfway, fixed on crimson.
“Want me, and love me, if that’s what you choose. But please, don’t need me. If you need me, we’re in trouble.”
Percival’s eyebrows furrowed in a hot mix of confusion, anger, indignation and sorrow (and maybe something else he couldn’t quite name).
“Siegfried.”
“I need to know you’ll get by, if the worst comes to happen.”
“I…”
“If I lose myself. If I have to die by your hand.”
His eyes were wide open now, his gaze unwavering.
Percival wished, with all of his heart, that he could contradict him. But Siegfried’s words were perfectly rational and true as day. Under the gleaming sunlight, surrounded by comrades and blinded by the hope that victory brought anew, he had said he’d save Siegfried as many times as it took. It rang true, and nothing had been enough to make his conviction waver. Not even Aglovale’s “ you should have killed him the moment he became a threat.” And yet right now, facing that pair of slit pupils, he simply could not avoid the dreadful weight of possibility.
He bit his own lip with a little too much force, eyes clenched shut. Breathing heavy, he took a minute to gather his own strength. Siegfried waited, patiently.
His free hand came upwards as well, cupping Siegfried’s face and pulling him an inch closer. He stared straight into Siegfried’s eyes, not allowing himself the mere thought of wavering.
He breathed once more, exhaling a pained gasp. As he spoke, the hot pinprick of tears rolling down his cheeks washed over him. And still, his voice did not falter.
“ Fine . If it eases your mind. I’ll do what needs to be done, if push comes to shove. I’ll show you no mercy. And I’ll live on after you disappear.”
Siegfried blinked in response, gaze mellowing out as a wordless thank you.
Choking a sob, Percival quickly hid his face in the crook of Siegfried’s neck, pulling him into an embrace. One of his arms moved down from Siegfried’s shoulders to his back, holding their bodies closer in a desperate attempt to feel him here, safe and alive.
I don’t want to lose you again , he didn’t say aloud.
Siegfried’s arms silently wrapped around his waist, letting the full weight of him lean on Percival’s hold. His own face came to rest on Percival’s shoulder as well.
The wind blew colder and the rain suddenly broke into a heavy downpour, as if the sky itself were trying to prove a point.
“Sorry”, Siegfried whispered. His breath felt warm over Percival’s skin.
In gentle motions Percival cupped Siegfried’s chin in his hand again, signaling him to lift his head and look him in the eye.
“Don’t apologize. Do me a favor instead.”
“Huh?”
Instead of elaborating, Percival lurched forward and kissed him soundly.
“If not for a lifetime, just for tonight. Let’s make believe. Let’s say you’re mine and I’m yours, and we get to have a life together.”
They stayed in place for a moment, feeling each other’s breath ghosting over their lips. Siegfried laid a soft peck over Percival’s parted mouth, gently, sweetly, closing his eyes.
“Even if we know it might be a lie?”
Percival’s thumb gently caressed Siegfried’s bottom lip, as ruby lost itself amidst a sea of gold.
“I’ll take the lie. I’ll take however long we have left.”
“Percival…”
“Don’t. Don’t say it.” That it’s unlike me to say such things .
Siegfried gave him a knowing smile, before peppering him in soft, short but unhurried kisses. Soon, Percival pulled him closer, into a deeper open mouthed kiss. When they finally broke apart, the sound of distant thunder broke them out of their trance. They were quickly getting drenched, and the night was quite cold.
“Shall we head back to the Grandcypher?”
“It’s late, and it’s pouring . There’s an inn nearby, let’s stay the night there instead.”
“Percival?”
“Yes?”
Another gentle kiss, this one laid on his forehead instead. With the utmost care.
“I love you. Thank you for not giving up on me.”
Percival smirked in response. “You sure make it difficult, but I’m a man who keeps his word.” He caressed Siegfried’s cheek with his palm, one last time before breaking apart. “Until the bitter end.”
Siegfried took that hand in his own, laying a solemn kiss on its back. “Until the bitter end.”
Soaking wet and without a care in the world, after a few more kisses (with laughter clinging to their lips as they bickered over which of them was the bigger softie) they finally coaxed themselves to start walking down the endless hallways and stairs, towards the inn. Even through the transparent curtain of the downpour, the town from up above was a sight to behold.
With the moon covered by a thick layer of clouds, they had no clue as to what time of the night it was. Still, Siegfried had a feeling the night ahead would be a long one.
He quietly prayed for the rest of their lives hand in hand to be just as long, as well.