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17
It starts somewhere around the middle of third year, sitting in Natsuya’s room with assorted papers strewn over every available surface, drinking tea and studying for a very important math test.
Nao, with his glasses askew and his hair half-up and braided in that way that Natsuya says makes him look like some sort of faerie prince, leans back against the bed while scribbling something in the notebook he has propped against his knees. Natsuya, sprawled across the bed and long since having given up on any semblance of productivity, makes another unfortunate attempt at folding a paper star from a piece of an incomplete worksheet. The paper crumples awkwardly when he folds it, as did all the others, and he tosses it across the room in the general vicinity of the trash bin.
“I don’t get it,” he whines.
“What,” asks Nao, not looking up from his own work, “the math, or those little paper stars you’ve been trying to make for the past half hour instead of studying?”
Natsuya pouts exaggeratedly, but Nao knows that without having to look.
“The math. Both. I don’t know.“
“Want me to explain it again?” Nao asks while reaching for another worksheet, but Natsuya shakes his head at that. “Okay, suit yourself,” Nao says, passing the fresh piece of paper to him. “This one has some easier problems you can start with.”
Natsuya begrudgingly sits up for just long enough to accept the new worksheet and immediately flops back down onto the bed. Nao has barely started working on his own studies again when Natsuya’s whining breaks the brief silence.
“Baaaabe.”
“Just a second,” Nao says, putting down his own notebook and joining his boyfriend on the bed.
“Alright...” he starts to explain, pointing to the half-answered problem on the sheet with the eraser end of his pencil, “I’ll show you again: if you look at the numbers in parentheses first-“
“Let’s get married,” says Natsuya.
For a moment, Nao questions whether he’s hearing things. There’s nothing particularly special about this moment, one of many exactly like it since Natsuya’s return to Japan earlier this year.
He considers the situation at hand. Natsuya’s head rests on his shoulder, the last light of early evening filters in through the window, and it’s nice. It’s comfortable, despite his frustration at his boyfriend’s tendency to procrastinate (Nao knows that while Natsuya is smarter than he often gets credit for, his attention span is seriously lacking). Nao wonders if this - the casual, comfortable intimacy of the moment, not his internal criticisms of Natsuya’s attention span - is what prompted the question.
For a brief crazy second he nearly says okay, unquestioningly. The word almost escapes his mouth before he remembers that he’s supposed to be the responsible one in this relationship for a reason.
“Why?” is the response he eventually settles on instead.
“Why not?” Natsuya asks, like it’s the easiest decision in the world. “I love you. We’re graduating soon, so then we can get married. It’s as good of a time as any, right?”
Natsuya rolls over onto his side so that he’s looking at Nao, math all but forgotten.
“Do you think that will help you get out of studying?” Nao asks.
At this, Natsuya just smiles in that way that he does, flirty and a little bit smug, somehow equally charming and irritating.
“Ideally?”
“It won’t.”
“It was worth a try,” Natsuya says and winks at Nao, which is a thing that would normally be more embarrassing than endearing, but somehow Natsuya can pull it off.
If it had been up to Nao, they would have been finished studying by now and doing something much more entertaining than math, but after so many years of dealing with Natsuya, he’s used to having enough patience for the both of them.
“But I’m serious,” Natsuya continues, before Nao can direct him back to the work he’s supposed to be doing. “Marry me.”
Against his better judgement, Nao decides to indulge this conversation.
“Even if I said yes, it still wouldn’t be possible. It’s not legal in Japan.”
At this, Natsuya looks genuinely taken aback, and Nao mentally rescinds his earlier thoughts about his boyfriend’s underestimated intelligence.
“Oh, right,” Natsuya says. “Well… we’ll go to Norway or something. We can get married there I think.
“We’re not eloping to Norway, Natsuya,” says Nao as he manoeuvres the forgotten worksheet from underneath Natsuya’s elbow. “You’re procrastinating again. Here, look.” He points at the unfinished problem for the second time. “You have to pay attention to that, it means that the answer you have there is equal to n³, not n.”
“Well, when it becomes legal here, then,” says Natsuya, clearly unconcerned with learning the actual value of n. “We can wait. But can’t we at least get engaged?”
“Maybe later,” Nao answers, because while he really does mean it, this probably isn’t the ideal time to seriously have this discussion. “Definitely not if you fail third year math, though.”
Natsuya sighs dramatically, but he does shift back to a working position - lying on his stomach and propped up on his elbows - and starts rummaging around the bed to find his discarded pencil.
“I’ll ask again once I’ve passed the test and proved I’m husband material.”
“Trophy husband, maybe,” Nao says, giving Natsuya’s shoulder a little nudge with his own and looking pointedly at the neglected math worksheet.
“I’ll take it,” Natsuya concedes. “So, explain again about the parentheses here?”
18
Nao is on his way out the door when his phone starts ringing, but when he sees that it’s a video call from Natsuya, he heads back into his apartment and answers.
The image on his screen is a little bit grainy. The room Natsuya is calling from is not well lit, but even with the low quality of the video, Natsuya’s features seem to radiate sunshine. He’s smiling wide, cheeks a little flushed maybe - it’s hard to tell in the dark - and he’s wearing a practically fluorescent orange t-shirt. He seems to be sitting in a room full of couches, shelves of books and board games, and other people - some of whom are nearby and looking excitedly at the phone screen.
“Isn’t he so beautiful?” Natsuya addresses the small crowd of people next to him before Nao has a chance to say hello. “Look! See, I told you!!” Nao gives a little wave to the curious onlookers.
In all honesty he feels a little disheveled today, with his hair haphazardly pulled into a bun and his lean frame overwhelmed by a big cozy hoodie that Natsuya had left at his place a few months ago, but he doesn’t dwell on it for too long. He reasons that he must not look too out of place compared to Natsuya and the other backpackers - and even if he does, they all seem too intoxicated to particularly care.
“I wasn’t expecting a party,” he says, and Natsuya seems to suddenly remember that he’s holding a phone.
“Oh, hi!” If he picked up on any sarcasm, he’s not acknowledging it. “I was just telling my new friends about you. Everyone, say hi to Nao! Someday he’s going to be my husband!”
“Maybe,” replies Nao. “You’re drunk.”
“Just a little! I made some friends here at the hostel though, see? Say hi to my friends, babe!”
Once again, Nao finds himself waving at a very animated - and likely also drunk - group of backpackers. They all wave back enthusiastically.
“Hi everyone,” he says, before turning his attention back to Natsuya. “Having fun in Mexico?”
“Yeah! Miss you a lot though.” He pauses for a second and makes an expression like he’s trying to remember something. “What are you up to? What time is it?”
“It’s almost 2 in the afternoon, I was just getting ready to head to class,” Nao tells him, as if he wasn’t almost out the door and isn’t definitely going to be late now.
The idea of arriving to class late doesn’t entirely sit right with him, but neither does the idea of ending the video call. After weighing his options, he takes his shoes off and makes his way to the couch, mentally cursing himself for being so weak to Natsuya’s charm.
“Hmm.” Natsuya says in response. “What time is it here?”
“Midnight, I think?” Nao answers, trying to mentally calculate the time difference. Was it 13 hours? 14? Something like that. “You don’t know? Doesn’t it say on your phone?”
“Oh!” Natsuya laughs. “I guess it does. But it’s better when you tell me, because then I get to hear your voice.”
Even though he should really be used to it by now, Natsuya’s drunken sincerity and sappy romanticism still causes Nao to feel a little flustered.
“You’re ridiculous,” he says. He repositions himself so that his arm is covering most of his face to hide his blush, a faltering of his composure so slight that only someone who knows him as well as Natsuya does might notice. Natsuya does notice, of course, and he smiles his million-watt smile again.
“Ridiculously in love with you, you mean.”
For a moment the warmth of that smile makes it easy for Nao to forget that he’s halfway around the globe.
“You should come visit me here,” Natsuya then says, and that happy feeling slips away just as quickly as it had begun. Nao is suddenly back in reality and Natsuya is half a world away again.
“You’d like it,” Natsuya continues. “The food is really spicy.”
Nao laughs. “As much as I love spicy food-”
“And me!” Natsuya interjects. “You love me, too.”
“And you. As much as I love you and spicy food, there’s just one problem with that plan, and it’s the fact that I’m a full-time university student.”
“Nope,” Natsuya says matter of factly, as if willing it into truth. “University is a scam. Ditch class and come travel with me.”
In reality Nao is sure that he’d find it more stressful than enjoyable, traveling the way Natsuya does, but deep down there’s a part of him that has indulged in that exact daydream a few more times than he would ever admit.
Guilt about the 2:30 lecture that he’s absolutely going to miss now briefly flickers into his mind, but he files those thoughts away to deal with later. Nao usually prides himself on his self-control, but with one disarming smile from Natsuya it all goes right out the window.
Nao can’t help but wonder if Natsuya even understands just how dangerous he is for Nao’s decision making. He couldn’t possibly, Nao ultimately decides. If he had any idea how close Nao sometimes comes to agreeing to these things, there’s no way he would suggest them so casually.
“You know,” Nao says without thinking, “right now that almost sounds nice, actually.”
At that, Natsuya’s face lights up, so Nao quickly follows up with “Almost, and only because it might be a little more relaxing than studying for the anatomy exam. But just to be clear, it’s definitely not happening.”
“See…that’s why I’m the trophy husband,” Natsuya muses. “You’re the smart one. But, wait… you’re also the pretty one.” His face lights up with another smile made of pure sunshine. “Wow, I really lucked out, didn’t I? I miss you so much, babe.”
“So you’ve said,” Nao laughs. “I miss you too.”
“He misses me!” Natsuya announces to everyone in the room, most of whom tuned out some time ago. Oblivious to the lack of attention, Natsuya turns his focus back to the conversation. “So, when I get back… will you marry me?”
“Maybe is the best answer you’re getting right now,” Nao says evenly. “I still haven’t decided.”
That’s not entirely true. He’s still just as tempted to say yes as he was the last time he answered this question, but Natsuya almost definitely won’t remember much of this conversation when he wakes up the next morning.
“Okaaaay,” Natsuya sighs, exaggeratedly pouting. “I guess I’ll just have to ask again.”
20
Seated on a very uncomfortable bench in the lobby of the Narita airport, Nao hears Natsuya call out his name before he actually sees him.
Nao turns to face the direction of the shout, and sees his boyfriend actually running towards him from the baggage claim area. Somehow, even after traveling for nearly an entire day, he has energy to spare.
Before Nao can say anything in response, Natsuya wraps him in a hug so deeply affectionate that Nao can’t help but feel self-conscious. However, a quick glance around the lobby makes it clear that everyone else is seemingly more preoccupied with their own reunions than the public display of affection, and so he allows himself to relax into the embrace. Natsuya’s hair is a little greasy and his jean jacket definitely needs to be washed, but the only thing that really matters to Nao in this moment is that he’s here again.
“Alright,” Nao says, once they separate, “let’s go home and drop your things off. I was going to suggest a nap after such a long flight, but…” He gives Natsuya a questioning look. “Are you even tired?"
“Nope,” replies Natsuya, looking more proud than he should. “But I don’t think you’d want to know how many energy drinks I’ve had in the last twenty-four hours. And actually-”
After glancing over at Nao again, Natsuya cuts himself off mid-sentence. Instead of continuing his train of thought, he studies Nao with a mixture of distress and confusion.
“What happened to your hair?”
“Oh, right.” Nao runs his fingers through his newly short hair and smiles mischievously. He knew Natsuya would have something to say about it. “They made a mistake when I was getting it trimmed, so I thought I’d try a new look. What do you think?”
Natsuya wrinkles his nose in response.
“I miss it,” he pouts. “Missed you more, though.”
“It’s hair,” Nao says, holding back a laugh. “It will grow out again, eventually. Although…” He pauses, pretending to consider something. “It is kind of nice not having to tie it back all the time. Maybe I’ll keep it short from now on?”
At this, Natsuya’s eyes go wide.
“No! You wouldn’t.”
“You never know,” Nao says, thoroughly enjoying Natsuya’s reaction. “Ready to go home?”
Natsuya nods. He’s already collecting his bags from the floor, so Nao grabs a duffel bag from the pile and motions towards the parking lot.
“I drove,” he tells Natsuya, and gets a grateful look in response. “I figured you’ve had enough public transit for one day. How was California?”
Natsuya attempts to shrug, but carrying so many bags makes it a difficult process. “It was California,” he says. “Same as it usually is. I think I’m going to go to Australia next.”
Nao isn’t surprised to hear those words, despite how much he wishes he could have been. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly before speaking.
“Really, Natsuya? You just got home and you’re already planning your next trip?”
“Just as something to look forward to!” Natsuya reassures his boyfriend. “I’m at least going to stay here until Ikuya’s graduation.”
Nao makes a small hmm noise but otherwise says nothing else.
“And,” Natsuya continues, flashing one of his annoyingly charming smiles, “I have to spend some quality time with the love of my life too, of course.”
It’s cheesy and overplayed - as is par for the course with Natsuya’s affection - but the sentiment still somehow manages to put Nao a little more at ease. He rolls his eyes in response, but Natsuya doesn’t seem to notice.
“So that means you’re staying here in Tokyo instead of with your parents?”
“At your place, yeah.” Natsuya says, as if it’s set in stone. “Obviously.”
Nao debates asking if this is how Natsuya always plans his travels, but then decides he would probably rather not know the answer. He already worries enough as it is.
“Well,” Natsuya continues, “I’m going back for a few days for the graduation ceremony, but you’re coming with me, so it’s fine.”
“Oh, am I?”
“Aren’t you?”
They’ve reached the car at this point, and Nao opens the trunk to neatly set the duffel bag inside. Natsuya tosses the remaining bags on top of it haphazardly, prompting Nao to sigh and shake his head. He takes a moment to organize them into a slightly neater arrangement before continuing the conversation.
“I am going,“ he finally confirms, “but you can’t just assume I am.”
“Well, good,” Natsuya says as he opens the passenger side door. “I’ve been looking forward to getting to wake up next to you every morning, so I would be really sad if you didn’t come with me.”
“Says the one who barely spends any time here in Japan. If you want to see me, you know where to find me.”
“You know I need to get it out of my system now,” Natsuya explains, “because once you agree to marry me I’ll probably end up as a house husband.”
He says this with such sincerity that Nao can’t help but laugh out loud.
“So what happened to being a trophy husband?” he asks as he carefully manoeuvres the car out of the crowded parking lot. “You know you would be a terrible house husband. You don’t do any chores.”
Natsuya makes a show of feigning outrage, and Nao takes his eyes off the road for just a moment in order to shoot a disbelieving glance in Natsuya’s direction.
“Hey, I’ll have you know I’ve gotten very good at doing chores.”
“Hmm” Nao says again, clearly not convinced by the theatrics. “I’ve known you far too long to actually believe that.”
“Hey,” Natsuya whines, “it’s true! You’ll see.”
“I bet it won’t even take a week before I have to start nagging you about chores.”
Nao doesn’t look away from the road this time, but he doesn’t need to. He can tell exactly which expression Natsuya is making - the determined air that settles over him when he’s been given a challenge - and he takes a moment to feel pleased with himself for knowing precisely which words would get Natsuya so fired up.
“I’ll take that bet,” Natsuya says, just like Nao knew he would. “Would you wager your hand in marriage?”
“Nice try,” Nao answers without missing a beat, “but you know we can’t get married until my hair grows back, Natsuya. Think of the wedding photos.”
In his peripheral vision he sees Natsuya light up with excitement, barely registering the rejection at all.
“So you are growing it back!”
22
Nao is not especially fond of California.
The first time he visited, the only other time before this, was when Natsuya was living here during high school. By the end of the two-week vacation, Nao had concluded that the only thing he really enjoyed about America was that it was where Natsuya was.
Now, six years later, his opinion still hasn’t changed. It’s too much for his liking, too boisterous and messy and impolite, and almost the entire city of San Francisco just has a smell that somehow apparently no one else seems to notice. But for some reason, when Natsuya suggested that Nao join him on this trip as a way to celebrate graduating from university, Nao had surprised both himself and Natsuya by agreeing.
He’s still not quite sure what compelled him to do that. Maybe it was the urge to do something a little bit spontaneous now that he's no longer weighed down by class schedules and lab reports and his all-consuming preoccupation with maintaining his near-perfect grades. It could easily have been that. Maybe.
Or maybe there was more to it than that.
Despite how he prides himself on his self control, Nao is aware that deep down, he’s drawn to recklessness in a way that he doesn’t entirely know how to explain. It’s the reason that he had very nearly said yes to Natsuya’s proposal back in high school, the reason he had skipped his university classes to video chat with Natsuya on more occasions than he was willing to admit, and why he had even briefly entertained some secret fantasies about dropping everything to follow his impulsive boyfriend halfway across the world with no plan.
Natsuya is an absolute hurricane of a person, and Nao has always known this, and it's more because of this than despite it that Nao fell in love with him. Ultimately, as much as Nao likes to pretend otherwise, he has always been all too willing to get swept along in the storm. He’s aware of this part of himself, and it scares him, and no amount of self-control will change those facts. So maybe that had something to do with it, too.
But regardless of his reasoning at the time, right now he’s here in San Francisco with Natsuya once again. Truthfully he wouldn’t mind just spending the duration of the trip in staying indoors and reading at Natsuya’s aunt and uncle’s house, but he understands that’s not what vacations are for, and so he allows Natsuya to play tour guide while dragging him around the city excitedly recounting stories from his high school days.
Some of the stories are ones that Nao has already heard - as Natsuya sometimes has a tendency to forget whatever he’s just said as soon as he’s finished saying it - but the way he lights up while he talks is just too captivating for Nao to say anything about it.
“I’m going to show you my favorite place in the whole city,” Natsuya declares as he pulls Nao along down the busy street. “You’ll love it.”
As they make their way through the city crowds hand-in-hand (“you won’t get to experience the whole city if we just take the bus everywhere,” Natsuya insisted), Nao finds that he isn’t quite as bothered by the walk as he expected to be. Despite how much he already misses the cleanliness and efficiency of Japan, he has to admit that it’s nice being able to hold hands with Natsuya in public here without worrying about the attention that might come with such a display of affection.
“So tell me about where we’re going,” he says to Natsuya as they walk.
“Well,” says Natsuya in between sips of an iced Starbucks drink that barely even qualifies as coffee, “it’s kind of beautiful. You can see the Golden Gate Bridge from there. Well… except if it’s really foggy out, but since it isn’t, you’ll get a good view.”
“You’ve shown me the bridge before,” Nao reminds him. “You don’t remember?”
“I do remember,” says Natsuya, “but that was six years ago.”
“Has it changed since then?” Nao asks, and Natsuya responds with an incredibly dramatic sigh.
“Okay, fine… I forgot.” He pouts for a moment, but his enthusiasm quickly returns. “There is more than just the bridge, though. The whole vibe is just… you know. It’s different from the rest of the city. I really think you’ll like it.”
“Why is that?” Nao asks, and Natsuya just shrugs.
“I don’t know how to explain it. Just trust me, okay?”
“I can’t make any promises,” Nao teases, which earns him another theatrical pout from Natsuya.
After listening to Natsuya try to elaborate on it further for the next ten minutes or so, Nao assumes that he has a pretty good idea of what to expect, but as they turn the corner Nao realizes why Natsuya had such a hard time describing it with words.
Just a moment ago, the two of them were walking down a street just like any other in the city, but suddenly they’re now staring down what must be the edge of the world. From the top of what’s likely the tallest hill Nao’s ever seen, the ground seems to drop out from under the two of them and leaves nothing but deep blue sea blending into clear blue sky.
“Come on babe, let’s go,” Natsuya says, and Nao realizes he’s standing still, struck by the beauty of the view.
He allows Natsuya to pull him along, and as they approach the steep drop, Nao is able to make out rows of colorful little houses lining the streets below and a bustle of activity that feels much more charming than the frantic pace of downtown. At the very edge of the decline, Natsuya stops and gazes down at the picturesque scene below, then turns to Nao and grins.
“Was I right?” he asks, and the whole moment is so beautiful that Nao can’t even bring himself to sass Natsuya about how smug he looks.
“You were right,” he says, breathless. “It really is something else.”
True to Natsuya’s word, Nao spots the Golden Gate bridge, brilliant red against the blue horizon. All around it sailboats drift lazily across the water, and sunlight dances across the waves. Neither Natsuya or Nao make any move to descend the hill, choosing to watch the whole scene in a comfortable silence.
“Why didn’t we come here last time?” Nao eventually asks, and Natsuya smiles at the question.
“I wanted to save it for the next time you were here,” he says. “I had to make sure I still had something exciting left to show you.”
“What if I didn’t ever come back?” Nao asks. Natsuya just laughs.
“I knew you would eventually. But honestly, I kind of expected it to take a lot more whining from me before you actually gave in.”
“Looks like you’re not the only one who’s full of surprises,” Nao says.
The wind is more noticeable at such a high altitude, and because he had dressed for a much warmer spring day, Nao notices himself shivering at a particularly cool breeze.
Natsuya must have noticed too. “Are you cold?”
“A little,” Nao admits. “I wish I had thought to bring a jacket.”
“I have a better idea,” Natsuya says as he pulls Nao closer, wrapping his arms around Nao’s waist from behind him.
Instinctively, Nao tenses up at the display of affection.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Natsuya tells him. “I promise no one here cares.” With this reassurance, Nao gradually softens into the hug, and Natsuya is right: it is better than a jacket.
“Actually,” Natsuya continues, “you know we could even get married for real here, right? It’s legal now. So.. wanna get married?”
Natsuya’s habit of casually proposing has become somewhat of a recurring joke between them at this point, but just as Nao is about to respond with the usual maybe that comes after that question, he realizes something and it suddenly feels like the whole world is tilted on its axis. Something about this moment, standing here at the edge of the world in California, makes it overwhelmingly real. It’s no longer just a hypothetical or an overdramatic declaration of love. It’s a possibility, and that’s somehow simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying.
“Babe?” Natsuya says, the tone of his voice tipping slightly into concern. “You alright?”
“Just… thinking about how nice this is,” Nao says, and he feels Natsuya relax again. “Thank you for bringing me here.”
“Told you so,” Natsuya says, and just as suddenly as everything had tilted sideways earlier, it all shifts back into place as if it had never happened at all.
24
The first thing that Nao sees as he enters the apartment - his arms laden with a few more bags of groceries than he should realistically be trying to manage on his own - is Natsuya, sitting cross-legged on the kitchen counter and frowning at his phone like it had somehow personally wronged him.
“I’m going to need you to move,” Nao tells him, nodding at the precariously balanced grocery bags cradled in his arms.
“Ikuya is engaged,” Natsuya pouts, and makes absolutely no effort to change his position.
“Oh,” Nao says, clearly more concerned with freeing up counter space. “Well, that’s nice.”
He makes an attempt to nudge Natsuya off the surface with his knee, but the countertop is too high up for the action to accomplish much of anything aside from making him feel irritatingly uncoordinated.
“I really don’t want to drop these,” he warns.
”Nice?” Natsuya continues, bringing his knees to his chest with no indication of getting down. “My baby brother got engaged before I did.”
“Is that all?” Nao asks, increasingly distracted by the perilous grocery situation. After pondering for a moment, he shifts the weight of the bags again to steady them and something occurs to him. “Oh. You’re jealous.”
“Of course I’m jealous. Now will you let me propose to you?”
Natsuya punctuates this question by finally sliding off the counter to stand on the floor. Immediately, Nao moves to rest the many grocery bags down where Natsuya had been a moment ago, and with that he switches his focus to the conversation at hand.
“Eventually,” he says, settling back into his usual calm demeanor. “So did this just happen while I was out, then?”
“Ikuya, you mean?” asks Natsuya. “Yeah, he just called me and asked me to be the best man.”
Nao can’t help but be amused at how his boyfriend manages to sound simultaneously proud and petulant at the same time. It’s not an unfamiliar tone of voice for Natsuya though - it’s the same one he uses when he talks about Ikuya winning against him in a swim race.
“They’re going to get married in America,” he goes on. “Can you believe that?”
“That they’re engaged, or that they’re planning a wedding in America?” Nao asks, only halfway paying attention to Natsuya’s small crisis as he begins unbagging the mountain of groceries on the counter, sorting the items into neat piles based on where they needed to be put away.
“The wedding? Both? I don’t know.” Natsuya pauses to take a deep breath, then continues with slightly less frantic energy. “They’re getting married, Nao. My baby brother is getting married.”
“So you’ve said.”
“They’ve only been together for…”
Nao watches Natsuya’s struggle to either do the math or remember the actual timeline of it all - knowing Natsuya it could be either - and decides to spare him the effort.
“Three years, isn’t it?”
“I knew that,” Natsuya pouts.
“Funny,” Nao muses as he stacks a remaining few grocery items on the counter, neatly slotting the last paper bag into a cupboard, “I remember that’s around when you first proposed to me.”
Somehow it feels both recent and as though it was a lifetime ago at the same time. It’s hard to believe that they’ve been dating for ten years now - an entire decade - but at the same time Nao can barely imagine there was ever a time in his life before Natsuya, who feels like as much of a constant as the sunrise every morning.
“And you’re still on the fence, apparently.” Natsuya slides up next to Nao and grabs the apple that Nao is currently holding directly from his hand, examining it idly. “Come on babe, we’re basically married already.”
They are basically married, Nao contemplates, and it’s nice, comfortable, pleasantly domestic despite Natsuya’s natural tendency to attract (or create) trouble.
As if taking a cue from his thoughts, Nao watches in dismay as Natsuya nonchalantly drops the apple back in the wrong pile - instead of the one with the other apples in it, because that would make too much sense - and sifts through the other groceries, singlehandedly undoing Nao’s precise system of organization.
“Well,” Nao says, just a little sardonic to make it known that he’s displeased with the mess Natsuya is making of the groceries. “In that case, it doesn’t really matter whether I say yes, does it?”
Natsuya sighs dramatically in response and turns around, knocking an entire block of tofu off the counter and onto the floor without realizing.
“You know that’s not the point,” he whines.
Nao does know that, of course, possibly even more so than Natsuya does. It’s never been about being married, not really; it’s about the gesture, the idea of it all. Nao understood this as soon as Natsuya proposed the first time back in third year, and that’s why, even as a hypothetical, he couldn’t allow himself to say yes.
Because Natsuya has always been the reckless one, spontaneous and affectionate and impulsive, a storm that Nao doesn't want to take shelter from, Nao tries hard to be an anchor to reality for the both of them. He’s the logic to Natsuya’s emotion, a paragon of self-control. And just as Natsuya’s proposals have never really been about marriage itself, Nao’s maybes are the true north on a compass, his way of saying don’t you see? I love you, and that is why I need to keep you grounded.
But Nao realizes, and perhaps for the first time really understands, Natsuya is no longer 17 and reckless. And he himself is no longer 17 either, grappling between his love for Natsuya and his need for control and certainty, working hard to maintain an image of poise and composure that he did not yet truly measure up to. The two of them are no longer 18 and loving each other from opposite sides of the world, no longer meeting in airports, cherishing the little pockets of time that they spent in each other’s presence. They are adults, Nao muses, and they are building a life together regardless of whether he’s noticed yet or not.
He changes the subject. “Did Ikuya tell you anything about the proposal?”
Natsuya, still sulking about the whole thing, just shrugs. “You can ask him yourself if you’re going to be like that.”
Nao leans over to pick up the block of tofu from the floor, ruffling Natsuya’s hair and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek as he reaches around him to set it on the counter.
“I know you’re going to tell me anyway,” he says affectionately, “so there’s no point in delaying the inevitable.”
“Okay,” concedes Natsuya. “Fine, you’re right. I’m going to go crazy if I don’t.” He starts scrolling through his phone as he speaks, searching for something specific. “Ikuya said it was very romantic. It involved a picnic under the stars, so I’m assuming they had to drive out to the countryside to actually see any, and-“ finding what he was looking for, Natsuya thrusts the phone at Nao. “Here it is. He sent me some pictures of his ring, see?”
Nao squints at the phone screen, taking it from Natsuya’s hand and fiddling with the brightness until it’s at a manageable level. He knows it’s because of his bad eyes, but a vague and plaintive thought about getting old crosses his mind.
The ring is gorgeous, of course. It’s an elegant silver band in the shape of a mermaid’s tail wrapped around itself, minimalist enough not to be tacky but elaborate enough to garner some admiration.
“Hiyori has good taste,” Nao observes, as if that was news to anyone.
“He actually had it specially made,” Natsuya supplies, “which I bet cost a fortune. Ikuya said the whole thing felt like a fairytale. He was definitely crying when he called me.”
Nao smiles, unsurprised at that too.
“He said he wasn’t when I asked,” continues Natsuya, “but I could tell. He’s such a romantic.”
“Oh, and you aren’t?” Nao teases. “Strong words, coming from someone who proposes at least once a month.”
“Yeah, but…” Natsuya runs his hand through his hair, searching for a halfway plausible way to deny his own hopelessly romantic nature. “Not like that,” is what he settles on. “If I did something like that, you’d just scold me for wasting so much gas just to drive out to the middle of nowhere.”
“I probably would, wouldn’t I?” Nao laughs. “Oh well,” he says, turning back to the once again disorganized groceries on the counter and beginning to re-establish his system of piles. “It is what it is. Good for Ikuya, it’s nice to see him so happy.”
As Natsuya turns to leave the kitchen, but Nao stops him with a very pointed “Not so fast.”
Natsuya turns around just in time to see Nao tossing the apple from earlier at him. Reflexively he catches it, as Nao knew he would.
“You made a mess of the groceries,” Nao says, “so now you get to help me put all of them away.”
25
“I think I’m dead,” Natsuya groans, slumped over with his head resting on the table of the booth he sits in. “Today killed me.”
Nao laughs. “Yesterday killed you, technically.”
“Oh my god. Shut up,” Natsuya says, but Nao isn’t wrong - it’s well past midnight. He and Natsuya look incredibly out of place right now, decked out in formalwear and sitting in front of an array of greasy fast food at a McDonald’s in San Francisco.
Natsuya’s tie hangs undone around his neck, and his suit jacket is rumpled from spending the past few hours tied around his waist in a way that a formal jacket is definitely not supposed to be. He shoves a handful of fries into his mouth while barely lifting his head from the table.
Nao takes a delicate bite from a spoonful of yogurt parfait. Although he isn’t nearly as visibly exhausted as Natsuya, it’s clear that he is also losing energy. His hair is beginning to slip out of its elegant braid, and he’s swapped out his contact lenses for a more practical pair of glasses.
“You have to admit though,” he says to Natsuya, “it was beautiful.”
Mmnf is the sound that Natsuya responds with, words muffled by a mouthful of fries.
The wedding was beautiful, of course - there’s no way Hiyori would have planned one that was anything less than enchanting. Despite the hectic morning of preparations and last-minute damage control (even Nao, who at this point likes to think himself immune to Kirishima-induced chaos, had found himself impressed at the sheer amount of pandemonium that seemed to surround Ikuya’s and Hiyori’s friends), the ceremony itself went off without a hitch.
It was a simple and classic beachfront event, picturesquely curated down to the very last detail. As the vows were exchanged, Ikuya and Hiyori were holding back joyful tears. Natsuya did not make any attempt to hold his own tears back.
In contrast, the reception was significantly more lavish - no doubt due to the influence of Hiyori’s best man Kisumi - and despite the small guest list, the festivities continued well into the night. Nao had allowed himself to indulge in a few glasses of wine, and Natsuya indulged in quite a few more, which is likely why he insisted on dragging Nao to the nearest 24-hour fast food restaurant after leaving the party.
“I can’t believe it,” Natsuya finally says after a few more handfuls of fries, sounding much more sober than he had before he’d eaten anything. “They’re really married, aren’t they?”
“You watched it happen,” says Nao, making no effort to hide the amusement in his voice. “Still jealous?”
Natsuya doesn’t answer right away, and instead takes a moment to contemplate the question. He takes a bite of a chicken nugget and chews thoughtfully. Finally, when Nao is beginning to think Natsuya actually might not have heard the question at all, he answers.
“Weirdly, no. Just really happy for the two of them.” He stops to think for another moment, shifting in the booth so that he’s sitting upright now with his chin propped up on his hand. “You know,” he continues, “I basically set them up.”
Nao looks at Natsuya with a teasing smile. “Oh?” He asks. “That’s not exactly how I remember that series of events.”
“Well,” Natsuya says, “You remember wrong. So, because I basically set them up, there’s something really heartwarming about the whole thing. And I’m proud of my baby brother. He’s married! Plus…” he stretches and sighs in relief, “I’m just glad this is all over with so I can finally take off this stupid tie.”
“Done with weddings for a while, then?” Nao asks, and Natsuya nods as enthusiastically as he can manage in his current state.
“Yeah,” he agrees. “Unless you ever decide to marry me.” He pauses to stifle a yawn. “I’m so tired, babe. Weddings are exhausting. Can I have the rest of your fries?”
Nao glances at the trays that sit on the table in front of them. Natsuya had already managed to inhale an extra large order of fries and a box of chicken nuggets, and was now eyeing Nao’s meal without even finishing the burger in front of him.
Nao puts a hand on his own fries protectively. “You still have half of your burger left.”
“Yeah,” says Natsuya, “but I want more fries, and you’re not even eating yours. Please? ” he whines with exaggerated melodrama. “I’ll trade you my hand in marriage or whatever.”
Suddenly, sitting in a McDonald’s in California in the middle of the night, bickering over sharing meals, Nao feels something that’s been building for years now finally shift into place.
“Okay,” he says, in a tone so resolute that Natsuya lifts his head to look at him with confusion.
“Okay as in I can have the fries?”
“Okay,” Nao explains, and it feels like finally breathing again after not even realizing he had been holding his breath in the first place. “As in, okay Natsuya, let’s get married.”
“Huh?” Natsuya’s eyes open wide, the fatigue in his body language all but gone and the fries he had been angling for instantly forgotten. “Why now??”
“Why not?” Nao’s tone is deceptively casual. “It’s as good of a time as any, isn’t it?”
“As good of a time as... hey, that’s what I said!” Natsuya accuses. “I said that when we were in third year!!” And then, quieter, almost sheepish, “Can I have a do-over?”
Nao grins back at him, with the sly expression that he reserves only for Natsuya. “No, this is it,” he says. “This is our engagement story.”
“But I want it to be special!” Natsuya protests.
“This isn’t special?”
Natsuya opens his mouth to reply, but unable to find any words, closes it again.
“If I were in your position,” Nao continues, “I wouldn’t go around giving out proposals that I didn’t mean.”
“I did! It’s just…” Natsuya gestures first at the table of half-eaten fast food, and then at his own unkempt appearance. “Look at us. We’re at a twenty-four hour McDonald’s, babe. Can’t I at least-“
“There’s nothing stopping you,” Nao cuts him off, “but there’s no guarantee I’d say yes again.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“Maybe,” says Nao. He notes how immensely satisfying that word feels to say right now. “There’s only one way to know for sure, though.”
“You know I wasn’t expecting that,” Natsuya tries to plead his case. “I don’t even have a ring for you.”
“That’s unfortunate.” Nao says, immediately reaches over into his messenger bag. He fumbles around for a moment, feeling his heartbeat resounding throughout his body. He takes a deep breath once his hand closes around what he was looking for, and wills his nervous system to settle down before finally fishing out the small box and opening it towards Natsuya. “Do you think these might work in a pinch?”
“Oh,” says Natsuya, dumbfounded.
Inside the box, two identical gold bands sit nestled on the cotton. The design is minimalistic and elegant with a small diamond-encrusted moon and sun as the standout feature. Natsuya gapes at the rings, rendered speechless again for the second time in one night.
Nao, quite enjoying the response he’s being met with, decides that he might as well see this theatricality through as best as he can. While he doesn’t have the same inclination to dramatic gestures as his boyfriend does, he figures that he owes Natsuya a bit of a show. After all, it did take him long enough.
He shakily stands up - partly from the fatigue and partly from nervous excitement - and drops one knee down onto the floor in front of Natsuya’s side of the booth. The tile is inexplicably damp, he notices, and just about as clean as anything else in American public spaces. It occurs to him that he’ll definitely need to get this suit dry-cleaned, but he can’t bring himself to dwell on that for any longer than a few seconds.
“Kirishima Natsuya,” he says, “will you marry me?”
“How…?” Natsuya finally manages, trying to find the right words as he accepts the box from Nao. “When did… why?? ”
“I figured it was about time to say yes,” says Nao, glad for the opportunity to stand up again. He dusts off his pants as best as he can, and having had enough vulnerability for one day, he allows his much more familiar air of composure to take over as he speaks. “And unlike you, I like to be prepared.”
Nao expects Natsuya to respond with snark or a pout, but it seems he’s still struggling to communicate in full sentences.
“They’re… perfect,” Natsuya breathes, staring awestruck at the contents of the little box.
“Aren’t they?” Nao says as he slides back into his side of the booth. “I found them about a month ago at that one little store near that theater that plays all the foreign films. I bought them that day, and I just got them back from being sized right before we left.”
It had been an incredible stroke of luck, actually: noticing the rings in the window while walking home from a movie he had almost decided against seeing, getting the call from the jeweler on the morning of the day they were scheduled to fly out to San Francisco… it had all fallen together serendipitously.
“Aha! ” Natsuya says, beaming, having evidently regained his capacity for speech. “So you’ve been planning to say yes for a while!”
Nao smiles gently back at him. “Dearest, I’ve known for a very long time that I intended to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“When I first asked you in third year?”
Nao considers the question. Technically, that’s the truth. A lifetime ago at age 17, Natsuya had proposed to him for the first time and he just barely stopped himself from saying yes right then and there. But had Natsuya instead asked the question at age 16 during a timezone-displaced phone call from America, or even at age 14 after just kissing him for the very first time, Nao has no doubt that it would have played out exactly the same.
“Before that,” he tells Natsuya.
“What, really?” Natsuya asks in complete disbelief. Nao gives a small nod of his head in response. “How far back?”
“I would say… hmm.” Nao weighs his desire to tell the truth against the annoyance of expressing vulnerability, and the former wins out. “I’ve known since you convinced me to quit aikido and join the swim club,” he says simply.
Natsuya is crying, Nao notices. He’s less surprised by that than he is by the fact that it took so long. He figures that there’s probably only so much that a person can cry in one day, and after the day they just had, Natsuya must have nearly reached his emotional capacity.
“Nao…”
“I told you I would say yes eventually, didn’t I?” He reaches across the table to hold Natsuya’s hand, for once not caring in the slightest about the public display of affection. He figures that proposing in a 24-hour McDonald’s is about as public and affectionate as it can get, and anything else is just embellishment at this point.
“Oh,” Natsuya says. “I guess you did, but I wasn’t sure if it was actually ever going to happen. Why did you wait so long, anyway?”
Natsuya’s tone is one of curiosity rather than annoyance, and so Nao resolves to answer the question in the most honest way he knows how. He lacks the words to adequately explain the past 11 years of them, though he’s sure Natsuya already understands much of what’s gone unspoken, so he opts for a straightforward approach.
“Well…” he starts, “A big part of it is that I wanted to make sure we were both at a point-” Natsuya raises an eyebrow at this, and Nao continues, “both of us, not just you, so don’t make that face at me.”
Natsuya attempts to wink despite still being teary-eyed, and he still somehow manages to make it look charming. He laughs, sniffling. Nao laughs too.
“I wanted to make sure we were both ready to build a life together,” Nao finishes, and squeezes Natsuya’s hand.
“And you think we’re ready?” Natsuya asks.
Maybe, Nao thinks, or maybe not. But either way, it’s already happening.
“I do,” is what he says out loud.
Natsuya smiles, in that same dangerously charming way he always has, and gestures again at the nearly empty restaurant they find themselves at in the early hours of the morning. “What does it say about us that this is the moment that made you think that?”
Having pondered that question himself, Nao finds that he isn’t even sure where to start. It says that love is complex and adulthood is intimidating, despite the fact that he would never admit either of those things out loud. It says that self-control is overrated, sometimes, and given the amount that Natsuya has mellowed out over the years, Nao finally understands that he owes it to both Natsuya and himself to match that effort in his own way. And, ultimately, it says that although Natsuya may never stop being a hurricane, Nao would rather have this storm than any other calm.
“Something interesting, probably,” Nao finally responds.
With the excitement winding down, a wave of exhaustion passes over Nao after such a large spike of adrenaline, and by looking at Natsuya he can tell that he’s not the only one. The two finish their meals, barely awake by the time they stumble out of the taxi and into their Air BnB.
Just as Nao feels himself starting to surrender to blissful unconsciousness, he feels Natsuya nudge him awake. He opens his eyes, searching his boyfriend’s face for whatever could possibly be more important than sleep right now.
“Hey babe,” Natsuya starts, but Nao is way too impatient for any preamble right now.
“You have ten seconds,” he tells Natsuya.
“Okay, so earlier you said all of that stuff was part of the reason you waited so long,” he explains. “But you never told me what the other part is.”
“The other part is that I love to antagonize you,” Nao says drowsily, turning over and closing his eyes.