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"As the heavy stone door slowly rumbles open, your entire party exhausted from the final fight against the Gods in the Pillar as small amounts of debris fall around you, you finally set your eyes on what has brought you all here together.-"
"Fuck yes!"
"Ahem. Lying upon a pedestal at the end of the room, ancient stairs leading up to it, is the legendary magic artifact, the Red Stone of Aja. Your long standing journey is coming to a close, your treasure lies before you. Tell me adventurers, what do you do?"
Famous human rogue Jorge Kujo snorted. "It's mine, of course." He said confidently.
"Whoa whoa whoa, hold the fuck up." Replied dragonborn monk Jyleous Kasr, typical stalwart and cool-headed demeanor thrown out the window in this moment. "Joseph, why the fuck do you get the fucking treasure? You didn't do anything last fight."
"Well," Joseph replied defensively, holding his character sheet to his chest in a movement that was mainly a half-assed attempt to obscure Caesar's view of his not-too-low hit points, "I called it right after the fight."
"And I told you to go fuck yourself," Caesar snorted, shuffling the astronomically large pile of paper notes on his side of the table. He almost knocked over his figurine, but caught it and set it upright before it could hit the ground. "It says here that my character has been searching for this for years, something I literally told you all at the start of the campaign. I should get it."
Loggins leaned over to Messina, who was sitting right beside him, and whispered into his ear. "What were they talking about?" He asked, looking at the half-scrawled notes their combined efforts had resulted in as they both tried to play a single character. "I wasn't paying attention."
Messina shrugged at the question, eyes stuck on his phone. "What makes you think I was? I just don't get this game."
"Guys, Guys!" Suzie broke in, a strained smile on her face as she tried to stay optimistic in the face of the possibility that Joseph and Caesar were about to ruin the session with their nth fight of the week. "Can we share it?"
Caesar shot her a dead look. "It's a single rock, Suzie." Lisa Lisa snorted at the sheer level of dryness in his tone.
"Suzie? Who's Suzie? A-ha ha..." Spoke the infamous Orc Berzerker Suzilla, named as such in-game for her ferocity in battle, and in actuality for lack of Suzie actually being capable of picking decent names. "I think we should split the treasure." She repeated more firmly in-character, intellegence stat of 7 showing clearly.
"Su-" Joseph started, before seeing the adamant look on Suzie's face to not break character. Lisa Lisa was smirking behing the DM screen, he was sure of it. "Suzilla," he said, lowering his voice an octave to the character voice that belong to his totally-not-a-self-insert. "It's a rock, a gem. We can't- we can't just break it."
"Sí," Caesar cut in, "It's mine after all."
"Oh absolutely not."
"You just want it because it's a fucking shiny thing! It's not even real, why are you being such a kleptomaniac about this?"
Suzie sighed into her hands, head dropping down between her arms on to the table.
"Because it's in character, mister two-hundred-page-backstory, you-"
"Two hundred and twenty seven."
Joseph slammed a fist down onto the table, the whole thing jerking with the sudden movement. Loggins yelped as his coffee spilt from his cup onto his lap as it fell from where he had set it down, but neither Joseph nor Caesar seemed to notice. Or care. "That's even worse!" The young englishman cried, and Lisa Lisa subtly manoeuvred her phone camera over the DM screen to record the drama. "You always take this shit way too seriously, if anyone at, say, the gym knew you were this much of a fucking nerd-"
Caesar scoffed, rolling his eyes at Joseph. "Don't even fucking mention any of those muscle-bound jackasses near me. You hanging out with Santana is bad enough."
"Santana is my friend and compared to the rest of his family he is totally fucking chill! You always-"
"-well maybe if you didn't talk about how two of them literally tried to propose then we wouldn't be-"
"-that was totally not what it sounded like, I tried to tell you, and besides, what the hell do you care if I-"
Messina sighed as he shut his phone down, and then elbowed Loggins as the other man furiously patted at his lap with a cloth rag, trying to avoid burns from the scorching hot coffee. "This isn't going to end anytime soon. Want to go to Subway next door?"
Loggins looked up at his boyfriend from where he was wincing at his lap. "Yeah, sure," he replied as he stood up, ignoring the increasing volume as Joseph and Caesar kept screaming at each other.
"Get me a panini, you know what type." Lisa Lisa called after them as they exited the room, also completely disregarding the increasingly more physical fight Joseph and Caesar were having over a fictional treasure in a goddamn game of DnD. She was live tweeting the entire thing on a fail account thread. So many people were reading.
Suzie sighed explosively into her folded arms as Joseph yelled something out about attacking Caesar in game, the Blond's squawk of protest followed closely by Lisa Lisa rolling dice behind her screen. Something flew closely over her head and she tensed, and then there was a shattering noise as whatever Caesar had thrown at Joseph missed it's mark. Well, this had turned into a total fucking failure. Nothing she could-
Wait.
Suzie perked up again, practically beaming, and Lisa Lisa raised a brow over the sunglasses that she was wearing inside for some reason, leaning in close as Suzie whispered her idea into her ear. She paused as she contemplated it, before looking over to where Caesar was trying to beat Joseph over the head with the game board they had been using, and she nodded.
"Alright!" Suzie's fist pumped the air a slight bit. She grabbed two sets of dice, one D6 and two D20s and prepared to use a move she had picked up in Lisa Lisa's extremely homebrewed DnD campaign. She ducked under a chair as it was thrown her way.
She rolled the dice, the clacking noises of plastic against wood almost totally drowned out by the fighting, but not quite enough.
"Suzie?" Joseph asked, pausing from where he was trting to restrain Caesar. Suzie was too busy grinning down at the numbers on the die to respond.
Lisa Lisa glanced over her shoulder, before clearing her throat and speaking in her famous DM Voice (tm).
"Rocks fall, Caesar and Joseph die to Suzilla's multi slash attack with two crits. Suzilla gets the fucking treasure."
Suzie cackled, the other two in uproar.
"I'M SORRY, WHAT?"
"THAT'S WHY YOU HAD BEEN SAVING UP THAT ATTACK? WHAT THE FUCK-"
Lisa Lisa sipped at her pitch-black coffee as she watched the chaos unfold.