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#1) Cold
Ash had dealt with the cold for a long time. The first time he had genuinely been afraid of the cold was when he was trapped with his Pokemon in a freezing tundra.
Imagine this, a ten year old barely starting his journey and all his of his pokemon still vaguely fresh with only one evolved pokemon at the time. All of them, alone, with no other trainer in clear sight and a blizzard picking up in speed just outside.
Ash was lucky enough to find a cave, without it….
He didn’t want to think what the authorities would tell his mother.
He could easily pick apart everything, the way the frost bit at his skin. How his fingers turned numb and frigid in ten minutes, and how he craved the warmth his pokemon provided. Everything was so damn cold, and even sobbing would hurt his face far more than his skin already felt.
Finally the blizzard passed. He and his pokemon scrambled out, all of them shivering as they held onto the warmth the sun provided.
None of them bothered with anything, walking towards what they believed camp was. Brock and Misty calling out for them.
They had been lucky and found a hot spring.
They had been lucky as Ash froze his ass off with his pokemon, begging for warmth.
“I want to leave, now.” Ash shook his head, frustrated with the fact that they just didn’t get it!
Brock waved in confusion, motioning with his arm towards the frozen Tundra.
“Didn’t you want to catch an Ice Type?” He pointed towards the lone Cloyster and a couple of Jynx’s who scurried by.
Ash shook his head furiously, tears pricking at the edges of his eyes.
“No I want to leave!” Pikachu squeaked out in agreement, refusing to even get out of Ash’s much warmer jacket. “I don’t care about that I just want to leave!”
“Fine,” Both Misty and Brock sighed, as if this was a burden. “Let’s go okay?”
He waited until they were at the pokemon center before Ash told them what happened. How cold it had been and he wouldn’t want to ever go back to the cold for a long time.
“But it snows...in Kanto.” Misty leveled him a deadpan look. “You can’t get away from the cold.”
Ash puffed angrily. She didn’t get it, she didn’t understand what he was saying.
“She’s got a point, Ash.” Brock shrugged. “You can’t keep away from the snow forever.”
And his anger dissipated in an instant. If Brock couldn’t understand….
“Never mind, I guess it is pretty dumb, isn't it?” He didn’t wait for an answer, pushing back from his bowl of soup, feeling the tears start to rise into his throat. “I’m going to bed.”
He collected his Pokemon from the Nurse Joy, who told him there was another Blizzard coming and he should stay indoors. With a thankful smile he sprinted into his room, sobbing as Pikachu and his pokemon curled around him, cooing in soft comfort.
He fell asleep that night from crying, ignoring both Brock and Misty the next morning.
From then on, Brock couldn't understand when Ash wouldn’t go to him for anything. Not when he was afraid, but silently let the ten year old decide where to go when the weather was getting bad. Misty didn’t give any complaints like she usually did, just offering him quiet agreements.
They never apologized, so Ash never forgave.
It took him a long time to get over his fear. His Pokemon by his side encouraging him that everything was going to be alright, that it was okay for him to be scared but they knew he wanted to have fun in the snow again. They let him keep his pace, even if he never truly forgave the winter weather until he met his Snorunt, turned later into Glalie.
Suffice to say, Misty and Broke never apologized, but he knew they both explained to their other traveling companion his aversion to freshly falling snow.
#2) Aura
Hoenn wasn't too bad.
In fact, some of the things he had done were pretty tame.
It was going back to Kanto that made it horrible. Competing against the battle Frontier wasn’t a mistake but he wished the entire competition had been better going around the region.
Then he came to the Rota, where his mom gushed about the history years prior. He was almost immediately told about the festival for “Hero of the Year.”
It was supposed to be a casual festival, Joining in on the traditions that seemed well kept in the kingdom. Giggling childishly over the Jester Costume he bought for Pikachu.
He almost wished they had made the costume electric proof, he didn’t care that it was made for babies. It was cute on Pikachu.
When he had won the battle, shrieking in delight, feeling the adrenaline course through his veins. Pikachu cheered beside him, even as they both shivered at the power that surged through them both.
Oh, who cares he won!!
He had been handed the staff and forced to sit in a godawful chair that was widely uncomfortable. He tried to make small talk but the maid wasn’t a talker, something he couldn’t fault her for. But even Pikachu was getting antsy in his lap, mewling slightly at his un-burned energy.
He let Pikachu down and casually waited until his time. He knew his pokemon went upstairs, he didn’t know how he knew, but he knew.
Then the moment of truth,
Ash didn’t know how or what exactly happened, but he recalled Lucario barking at him. Unable to see but getting angrier by the second. Then all to soon the Pokemon sprinted out angrily, leaving Ash’s own energy drained beyond belief.
Then Pikachu was pika-knapped and a Lucario from the olden days challenged his very ideology at every turn.
Ash couldn’t even begin to explain his anger and hurt as he tackled the steel pokemon.
He was just wanted his friend back. He wanted Pikachu to be in his arms again and to get the heck out of this place.
He had seen the time flowers, and Lucario explained once again he had aura. Like Sir Aaron, he said. It wasn’t like Ash cared, what Lucario could do was cool, but he preferred having his friend then learn some fancy new moves.
Upon arriving at the tree, after Lucario was forced to have emotional flashbacks from the time flowers, were they met with resistance. In the form of Legendary Pokemon.
The Pokemon, the three Regi's weren't that terrifying. The shots of adrenaline running through his body stopped his general fear as he sprinted through the mountain. Suddenly activated aura, enhancing his sense and making everything so very loud.
He didn’t care that he understood Regice. He could feel Pikachu very close by.
And he found Pikachu, his precious partner shrieking in delight as they both bounded towards each other once more. Leaping over precarious tree roots with harsh updrafts that were capable of pushing people into the sky.
The updraft slams into them but Ash was more concerned in grabbing Pikachu, holding him tight before they were tackled into a much safer area. He had cuddled Pikachu tightly, gripping onto his friend who whispered apologies of leaving, no matter how accidental.
Mew had given him his hat back. He didn't care much about the old thing vs his best friend, but he was grateful nonetheless. Gripping his hat and giving Mew a gentle pet on their head.
The tree wasn't as merciful.
It didn't take long for Antibodies to attack him. Ash struggled against the orange liquid and released his Pokemon. He saw them turn to him, shock coloring their body as they screamed for him.
From Phanpy’s scream of ‘Baba!’ to Grovyle’s terrified yell of ‘Satoshi!’. Tears welled in his eyes, screwing them closed.
This was the first and last time he would ever hear their voice.
He could feel it fighting, he could feel the way it crushed his lungs as he desperately fought to say his last goodbyes. Stretching and scratching at his aura that he never noticed was there before.
And by Mew, did it burn.
"I love you!" he screamed, his aura draining and his voice getting weaker by the second.
He heard yells of denial, even as the world around him began to grow dark, the pull on his aura near unbearable at this point.
His body was being drained, his mind and lungs being suffocated in the darkness. He knew it was the end at the point, even if he could still sense pokemon sobbing and screaming and banging against the floor.
He wondered what they would do to his pokemon, and hope they at least treated his family right.
Before he knew it, the pressure disappeared around his body. The pull on his aura was shoved back suddenly, disorienting him for a few seconds. He waited as lights appeared around his closed eyes.
Looking up wearily, his pokemon cried in relief, burying small faces into his chest as Grovyle gripped onto his shirt like a lost child. Ash choked back a sob, grabbing Grovyle in a one armed hug and pulled his pokemon into the tightest hug he could give them.
There was a cough and a very small squeak of exhaustion.
One look up showed a very sick Mew and a relieved Lucario.
All too soon, he found out that Mew and the tree were dying for saving him and he assumed, anyone else in the tree. With sadness, he and Lucario both promised to help out in any way they could
Suddenly, he was wearing gloves, offering his aura to save Mew, closing his eyes as he strained to push out aura that so desperately wanted to stay inside. He poured every ounce of his life into his aura, his love, his compassion, his fears and triumphs. Everything that made him, Ash, was poured into the Aura.
Then he felt it.
Having tackled the steel type once, he couldn’t fathom why Lucario tackled him this time around, shoving him to the side were he fell into the safety of his Pokemon.
“Lucario!”
“Let me finish the rest!” The Pokemon growled, eyes wide but watery.
He was smiling.
Finally, Lucario disappeared, fading away with one last sweet memory of his master, of his friend.
And Ash was scared, weeping with Pikachu and Mew as the pokemon finally closed his eyes and faded away.
He could feel the surge of Aura start to rise into his arms, soothing the ache in his body. He embraced it tearfully, letting the final bits of Lucario’s aura meld into his own.
His aura was with him.
Ash was sure they could make it out together. He would have taught Lucario so many things, maybe the pokemon could have tried more chocolate. Instead he had faded, a time flower appearing before his very eyes.
He thought they would all make it out together.
Instead, it felt like he was the only one who survived.
Upon going back to Rota, he numbly mentioned Lucario’s sacrifice, happy and distraught to see the Pokemon’s own statue placed upon Rota’s walls.
“I can’t believe he’s gone.” Brock murmured as everyone bowed their head in a moment of silence.
“He’s not gone.” Ash mumbled. “His Aura is with me.
He left Rota, traveling with everyone around Kanto again. Max had asked about his Aura but ash quickly claimed he could no longer feel it. He was untrained and couldn’t ever hope to bring out even a sliver of his potential.
He never touched his own aura again. Even as he casually realized he could understand his pokemon, having them clamber for attention as they claimed their real names and why they fought for him. He could forever feel their presence close to his heart, even the ones across the region in Professor’s ranch. Still, he couldn’t bear to wield his Aura at all.
He was too afraid of the consequences.
#3) Prophecy
Sinnoh…..
Sinnoh's was fucked in all realness. The legendaries, Paul, prophecies, Chimchar's fear and his own. Let's not forget Hunter J. Now that was a real shitshow.
Dawn was great, like a little sister he never had and Brock was still with him. He had his pokemon and made friends across the region. It was even a delight to meet this regions champion as well.
And then came the prophecies.
The whole deal with Mesprit and the other 2 psychic Legendaries was and could have been avoided in his opinion. But what could he do, they were there and now he had to deal with the backlash.
Then Riolu. A little pokemon who could use Aura and instantly tried to connect to Lucario’s aura and his own. He helped but rejected any form of Aura usage.
And suddenly the Creation Trio and Arceus.
That one was bullshit.
He knew time travel was possible, but to be sent back in time to be erased was fucking idiotic. He still had nightmares about Pikachu disappearing and the feeling of disappearing himself.
Whatever, right?
Darkrai and Cresselia. Admittedly before Arceus, but Ash couldn’t help but think of Darkrai disappearing, the dark pokemon almost died. And everyone was blissfully ignorant of it all, he couldn’t help but feel disgusted.
Holy shit he was so tired of it all.
And somehow he was roped into it. Every. Single. Damn. One.
By prophecies. Some so old, they could be considered abso-fucking-lutely obsolete.
Left and right somehow it was always him. There were others but nope! Only him.
It had started on Shamouti island, and it followed him through Kanto, the Orange Islands, Johto, and now, Sinnoh.
And Sinnoh was the worst of them all.
Ash laid in bed, having just been done with Arceus, who bowed to him in thanks. And then took off.
Like that.
Left them all to deal with the mess as Palkia and Dialga did a quick roar to fix what the could before booking it as well.
Giratina stayed behind, asked if there was anything they could do. In the end, it was a big old no. Giratina was too big to really help with the small things, and all the big things could be fixed with a psychic type. No one had lost their life, and Ash thanked the underground god before they gave a happy chirp and went underground with a final wave.
He found it oddly stupid the god of his world, one who had been praised for being powerful, could be in so much danger that he was fooled by a mere human. Arceus was and could destroy humans with the edge of his hoof and he was still fooled.
He couldn’t fault it but he was angry, so he was going to blame the god for every damn thing that ever happened to him. Including, leaving loopholes for all his children to get fucked over like he once did.
He let out a heavy sigh, laying as he listened to Cynthia spout off some prophecies on the television. Dawn had stayed up to listen to them, and it currently wasn’t doing him any favors but he didn’t bother to say anything.
Even as Pikachu lay at his side, clinging to him with all his might, he couldn’t help but think about everything that happened. Feeling Pikachu fade, feeling his disbelief at Latios’ death, even feeling as if his aura was being torn apart again.
He clung to Pikachu tighter, feeling tears start to brim as he quietly let his tears fall.
To keep him here. In the world, with Ash and his pokemon.
He didn’t bother acknowledging Dawn’s attempt to make conversation. He let Brock give him a gentle pat on the shoulder and pull a blanket over his shoulder.
In the end, he dealt with it alone. Like always.
He fucking hated prophecies.
#4) Promises
Ash had always made promises.
To Butterfree, to Pidgeot, to Primeape, to Charizard and to many others. Both pokemon and human alike. It was always something he had done, from the moment he could talk up to now.
And, like his mother taught him, he had always done his best to keep them.
He searched everywhere for Butterfree, he visited Pidgeot, he called Primeape and he hung out with Charizard.
All the promises he had ever made he had kept. No matter how difficult or grueling it could be. Nothing would ever make him avoid his responsibilities, his very promises he made.
Keeping his promise to Victini ...now that was difficult.
In truth, he had never kept it.
Iris and Cilan wouldn't understand, couldn't and didn't understand how that affected him so much. They watched in sadness as he threw the Macaroon, but both had felt that it was his sadness for the small Pokemon who died to save him.
In partial, that was true.
He hated it, and it reminded him so much of Lucario and Latios. But he had gotten over their deaths with time.
They sacrificed themselves for the fate of their world, and he knew with time he could get over Victini's death.
What hit him hardest was his promise.
It was the first time he had ever broken one. That was Victini's last wish, and now he couldn't even fulfill it.
But Victini was alive, recovering but alive. Floating around as he caught the macaroon, munching in it in delight.
He messed with the small Pokemon, pretending to eat the delicious treats in front of him. He played around, but it didn't erase his actions.
He had made a promise and failed.
Victini came to the ocean, but Ash wasn’t the one who brought him there.
Just like many others before him.
He was always careful to make his promises from then on out. Making sure it was something he knew he could do.
Promises, after all, were made to be filled.
#5) Chosen
Ash spat out blood, glaring at Lysandre with wild untamed eyes.
His pokemon spat alongside him, their very auras being pulled apart by the machine Lysandre had. Tearing their skin, but they did nothing but stare with angry feral eyes.
What a fucking idiot.
As their aura's were torn, Lysandre finally did what no one had done in years.
"-You'd be the chosen ones of the new world!" He flounced his arms dramatically as Alain quietly looked away.
And there it was.
There it fucking was.
The stupid phrase he absolutely hated with all his being. One that had traumatized him from the moment he saw Ho-Oh in the fucking sky.
It was as bad as prophecies in his eyes. Without Prophecies, where was the chosen one?
But at least people could look past it, they wouldn't think he was chosen based on one prophecy alone. And there was never anyone who stayed long enough to see how frequent these prophecies were.
No one would think twice.
And this fucker brought it slamming back into Ash's reality.
He couldn't get away from it. Something he desperately tried to get away from the moment he held that lightning orb.
And with an anger he couldn't place, he screamed.
He loved this world, no matter how much the world hated him.
With tears in his eyes he couldn't help but think.
Did he really love this world? Or was it just the Chosen part of him talking.
+1) Family
Ash knew, from the moment he started his journey, he wouldn't have a family.
That was a partial lie, his Pokemon were his family, forever and always, but he would never have his own, his father was missing and his mother couldn't afford to keep up with him. To old to travel, and too old to really get back into the sport as a gym trainer.
Sure his friends were his family but...That was different.
There was no way he could get too close to them cause they'd leave, he'd leave.
He was a trainer at heart and so were they.
For the longest time, he had Brock. The strong rock hard ex gym leader one his way to becoming a Pokemon breeder.
And then he left, changed his dream to a pokemon doctor.
In Ash's defense, he knew it was bound to happen. Brock cared for Pokemon too much to be a breeder.
That didn't make it hurt any less.
In Unova, he couldn't trust Iris and Cilan too much. One was oddly eccentric and the other was downright mean to him for the most part. The trio curved their attitude and Ash realized he started to accept them as a part of his friends.
He stopped it there.
In Kalos, there was Serena, Clemont and Bonnie. The three of them were great but they held him on an odd pedestal.
That wasn't how families worked.
And that sure as heck wasn't how friends worked either.
And then Serena pelted him with a snowball and he felt worse and worse. His fear of snow was enunciated in that one moment as he fell over the log. But he quickly closed his eyes to relax. He just needed to think, not get pelted by snowballs.
In the end, the four of them stayed as friends and nothing more.
Serena wanted to be a family with him. That kiss was more than enough proof for it. But...
Ash didn't want that at all.
So he wandered, back home with his mother and Mimey. Back to his family of Pokémon.
They talked to him about his day, let him cry and sob as he pleased without a judging look in sight. Just soft cuddles and very soothing voices asking their “Baba/Satoshi/Friend” was okay to play for the day.
He had a family.
Then he went to Alola.
It was supposed to be a weekend.
But Mimey gave him this sad knowing look and suddenly Tapu Koko was there. He was there and Ash knew it wouldn't ever be the same.
He enrolled and found friends. Much nicer than Unova, but not as praising as Kanto.
They saw him as he was, a strong dumbass trainer. Pretty strong, but very stupid.
It was in the middle of the night when he woke up in a cold sweat. Eyes blurring in tears as he saw Professor Kukui and Professor Burnet turn to stone right before his eyes. He had only seen Pikachu before, and his pokemon before.
He woke up… and it wasn't real.
Stumbling off the couch, he climbed downstairs, falling onto a chair as he held his hands on his face. Eyes puffy and red as the area around his eyes burned hot and disgusted.
He had bad dreams about his friends all the time.
But never has it ever been so bad that he woke up crying, where they died before his very eyes. Maybe startled awake and wide eyed. But never to the point where he was choking on his tears and his eyes were burning beyond belief.
A hand fell on his shoulder, and his head shot up in surprise.
Professor Burnet stood there with a worried look, gave him a soft smile and pulled him into a hug.
"Everything is going to get better Ash." She whispered. "Me and Kukui are right here with you."
She rubbed soothing circles on his back, letting the him cling to her old t-shirt and just sob,
They stayed there, letting Kukui walk up silently and wrap his arms around the two. He hummed quietly, the sound startled Ash but he found it a way to ground to reality. He pulled back slightly, enough to see the blurry ground in his hug,
A thought struck him.
For the first time in a while, he felt his fear spike up even as he physically calmed down from his emotional high.
They felt safe.
Like his pokemon.
Like family.
Kukui pulled away for what only seemed like a second, before he was back with hot steaming mugs.
Burnet casually grabbed one and gripped onto it like a lifeline, taking a gentle sip before she casually offered Ash a sip from her own drink. When he shook his head, she hummed letting her hand rest on his back and rub comforting circles.
"Is everything alright Ash?" Kukui asked, walking back to him and placing a mug of Tapu Cocoa down in front of him. "You seem distraught."
"I don't know that word." He mumbled on instinct, grabbing the drink and pushing it to his lips.
He craved the warmth, ignoring the hot stinging sensation as his taste buds were quit literally scorned by the heat. Burnet gave him a tap at the back of his neck.
"Like..Distressed or scared." the professor answered, rubbing his sweaty hair affectionately.
Ash hummed in response, fingering the handle of the ceramic mug.
"I'm scared." Ash admitted. "I'm scared about what you guys mean to me."
There were no words, just gentle hands rubbing his back and encouraging him to continue. Kukui continued to hum, as did Burnet. Singing a song from a time long forgotten by Ash.
"I always knew that on my journey i would never have a family." He spoke out lowly, letting in a shuddering breath. "Not a human one anyway. But being here… with you guys, makes me realize i see you two as family...And… and I don't know how to feel about that. It scares me."
Another long silence. Only the soft clinking of mugs hitting tables and Ash’s own soft slurping. Barely reaching out, he could feel his pokemon quietly staring, providing comfort the only way they knew how.
He didn’t expect to feel both Burnet’s and Kukui’s aura as well, in which both Aura’s just tried to soothe the parts of his own aura that reached out to them.
"You know, I agree." Kukui bobbed his head, his soft voice startling Ash as he turned to face him. "As a Professor, I didn't really think much about family, most professors I know, don’t actually have one. I never ever expected to have any children or a wife, and all I would have are my students and my pokemon. Until I met you, that is, then I finally felt that I could really have a family. When Burnet came into the picture I was ecstatic beyond belief."
There was a pause, as the professor hummed quietly. He rested his chin on Ash's head, letting the teen listen to both of the professors strong steady heartbeats.
"It terrifies me beyond belief at the fact that I have a family now." Kukui admitted. "To know I can depend on you two and you two can depend right back onto me." he turned to grin at the both of them, even as they all decided to ignore his admittedly wet eyes. "But I know that I could never trade this for the world."
And Ash looked around, at their home on the beach.
He could see piles of Kukui's and Burnet's research scattered around the table. His own essay's mixed into the monstrosity of paperwork. He could see the painting of his alolan family hanging above the couch, next to a pile of dirty dishes and strewn about projects.
And he realized, for once… this felt like home.
With a smile he rested his head on Burnet's side.
"Yeah." He closed his eyes. "Me neither."