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“I can’t lead you on anymore, Ava. It’s best if we just put an end to it right now.”
“Sara, no, how can you say that? After all that we’ve been through lately. I thought we were getting somewhere.”
“I’m sorry, Ava… I never meant for this to get so out of hand.”
“Out of hand?! What are you saying? That you regret it?!”
“It’s best if you go now.”
“Sara… Please don’t do this.”
“Just leave, Ava. I have nothing else to say to you.”
“Sara…” Ava let out in a sob, trying to step closer to Sara, but Sara’s raised hand stopped her.
With a shaky breath and the opening of a portal behind her, Ava was gone in seconds, and Sara finally let her guard down. Her body trembled violently as she clutched her chest and let the hot tears flow freely down her cheeks.
***
That had happened three weeks ago. Three full weeks without seeing Ava, without speaking to her. Somehow she had been able to send Gary and other agents any time the Legends needed some extra help, avoiding any kind of contact entirely with Sara.
Which means Sara has missed her, a lot, far more than she cares to admit. She has just returned from a particularly hard mission that involved having to slay a large number of offenders coming at her, meaning there were some casualties. It is at times like this she realizes how much she has been missing the comfort of Ava's arms, and the way she can always find the right words to say to soothe Sara's bloodlust and ease her lifelong guilt.
But Sara ended it all with her; she is in no position to go and seek her out when she has no one else to blame about their rupture but herself.
There is no possible way that she will call Ava - she tells herself - and she also doesn’t want to bother her teammates who are tired and still recovering from the mission themselves.
So she does the next best thing she can think of; drowning her sorrows in a good bottle of her favorite scotch.
And that’s how she ends up drinking just over half of the sweet amber liquid straight from the bottle while her body sits slouched on the old leather armchair inside her office.
“Captain Lance, I am advising you to refrain from any further inebriation. Your body will resent you in the morning, as will your brain.” Gideon’s voice is laced with a worried tone. As worried as an A.I. can sound, that is.
“Pfft! You underestimate me, Gideon! As if I would ever pass out from this,” Sara retorts rather offended - even though her words are already coming out a bit slurred – while she shakes the bottle in her left hand in her attempt to prove she isn’t that far gone.
“Very well, Captain. I shall leave you to it.”
Sara simply grunts in response, nursing the bottle for a few more minutes. She tries to block Ava from her thoughts but her mind keeps wandering back to her. Sweet, beautiful, bossy, and extremely talented Ava. She misses her voice, misses the way her body reacts under Sara’s touch, and the way she so lovingly looks at Sara. Her eyes always held such an adoration, comprehension, and intimacy that Sara hadn’t received in an awful long time.
Why did she have to go and ruin it all?
Sara sighs, a headache starting to take over from all the constant reminders of the mess she got herself in. She decides to take a shower to try and put her mind at ease.
After fifteen minutes she is laying on her bed, staring at the ship’s ceiling. She has given up attempting to find a comfortable position, opting to lie still instead of tossing and turning. Her thoughts wander to a certain agent once more and, before she knows it, she is back in her office, leaning against the desk with the half drunk bottle of scotch in her hand. She looks down at the glass container and ponders on whether she will finish it off. However, Gideon’s earlier warning rings in her ears, and she decides against it. She also realizes she can’t deny it to herself anymore, so against her better judgement, she decides to call Ava.
“Gideon… Call Agent Sharpe.”
“Are you sure that’s in your best interest right now, Captain Lance?”
“Just do as I say.” Sara’s voice comes out with a bitter tone to it, and Gideon does as she is told without second guessing it.
After a few beats, Ava finally picks up, and her face appears on the screen in front of Sara
“Captain Lance… It is extremely late,” Ava’s gravelly voice replies, and Sara feels a pang in her chest at the use of formalities. She almost sounds as if she is scolding Sara, and for a couple of haunting and slow seconds she thinks that Ava will put an end to the call. Sara’s hope is ignited once again when she hears a firmer voice asking her, “What do you need?”
The answer flashes quickly in Sara’s mind. You, I need you. She wonders if she should be honest or simply keep it to herself. But her tired and aching heart is begging her to do something to allow the shattering pain to subside, so she decides to swallow her pride and fear and speaks with what little courage she can muster.
“Can I come over tonight?” she finally asks, the trembling in her voice not going unnoticed by Ava.
Ava frowns at her, grey-blue eyes searching for any hint of dishonesty or mischief in Sara’s bright blues. She studies her for a while, taking in the way Sara seems to shift her weight from one foot to the other, not able to hold herself up completely straight. Her eyes then fall to the desk behind Sara, and she finally notices the item on the right; an uncapped half-empty bottle of what – if Ava really had to guess – is Sara’s favorite scotch. It looks to have been recently drank, seeing as the cork is still resting near it.
Ava licks her lips in thought before trailing her eyes back to Sara, who is now biting her bottom lip and fidgeting with her fingers in a nervous manner. She averts her gaze from Ava. Ava tries to recall a previous time when she has seen Sara acting like this, so out of character, going against the whole courageous and unbothered Captain facade. She realizes she can’t remember seeing her this way, ever, which only makes her feel worse for how Sara is behaving at the moment.
But despite the tinge of worry and the little voice inside her head telling her to help Sara, to wrap her arms around her body until her pain goes away, she can’t bring herself to do it. Not right away, at least.
It still stings; the way Sara broke up with her and pushed her away. Her heart is still recovering, and she is still patching it up and trying to glue all the broken pieces back together. She is trying hard to forget the way Sara recently played with her emotions; the way Sara implied that she regretted ever having been involved with Ava. What if this is just another way for Sara to use her as a security blanket, as a body she can use to let out her frustrations through sex without giving a second thought about the consequences? Should she risk going through all of that again just because Sara is in front of her looking so utterly broken and hopeless?
Ava lets out a deep sigh as she shakes her head - mostly to herself - before finally addressing Sara’s question. “Yes.”
Sara snaps her head up at her, eyeing her with disbelief. “Really?”
A frown appears on Ava’s face, but it’s quickly replaced by a neutral expression. “Yes, you can come over,” she says before opening a portal that leads to her living room, waiting for Sara to step through and into her home.
Once she does, and the portal closes behind her, Sara stands in the middle of the room. She isn’t sure what to do, afraid that Ava will decide to kick her out at the first wrong movement.
“You can sit down.” Ava’s voice echoes through the room as she tilts her head to the empty armchair facing the couch. Sara nods before slowly sitting down, appreciative that she won’t have to spend the guaranteed-wrecking conversation that is sure to follow while holding up her tired body.
“Thanks,” she says before swallowing her nerves down. An uncomfortable silence falls between them, only helping cement the restlessness she was already feeling before coming to her ex-girlfriend’s apartment.
Ava decides to put an end to the silence by getting straight to the point. “Why are you here, Sara?”
Sara lets out a deep breath before shaking her head slowly. “I don’t know,” she whispers, the words making Ava strain her ears to catch them.
She raises her eyebrows at that. “You don’t know?” Ava scoffs bitterly before continuing, “You woke me up at two in the morning, and you don’t know why. That’s rich, Sara.”
Sara frowns at her reaction, “Ava, I’m sorry if I made you mad. It wasn’t my intention when I called you. I-”
“Then why did you do it, huh? Why did you suddenly decide to call me at this ungodly hour? After you were the one who broke up with me? Did you, what, think it would be fun to have a booty call?” Ava snaps, and her words come out harsher than she intended.
“What?! Ava, no! You’re getting it all wrong!” Sara replies, raising her voice to match her, “I just… I’ve been in a rough place lately. I can’t-” She cuts herself off, taking a deep breath to steel herself. “I can’t stop thinking about all the people I’ve lost - my entire family, friends, allies. They’re all gone, and I did nothing to stop it, to save them,” she adds with a shaky voice. “I could still save them if I went back in time, but I’m choosing not to do it. And that… That fucks me up really bad. I have this voice inside of me telling me to not give a damn about the rules of time travel and to just go back and save them. And it’s getting harder each day not to give in into it. ”
Ava’s anger dissolves a little at the blatant suffering in Sara’s eyes. Her voice comes out softer this time, “Sara… You know you can’t travel back to change things, even if it is what your heart most desires.”
Sara closes her eyes upon hearing Ava’s words, and her eyes sting with the tears that are already threatening to slip away. When she opens them, she looks straight at Ava. “I know, Ava. I know that you’re right. But it hurts me so much. I can’t- Sometimes I feel like I can’t even breathe,” she explains, fresh tears now falling freely down her reddened cheeks. “I just want to put an end to this agonizing pain I’m feeling. I need it to go away, Ava. I can’t take it anymore.”
Ava swallows the lump in her throat. As much as Sara has hurt her by breaking up with her, she certainly doesn’t deserve to be in such tremendous pain. She sighs as she finally gets up from the couch, stepping closer to Sara. “Come here…” Ava tells her as she kneels down, her arms wide open and ready to offer her shelter.
Sara glances up at her with stormy eyes before accepting her embrace, lurching forward to bury her face against the crook of Ava’s neck while her arms surround her strong shoulders, holding on tightly as if her life depends on it.
Ava feels a little taken aback by the sudden contact as she realizes how much she has missed it, the familiar feeling of it all. The memory of Sara’s warm and strong - yet soft - embrace around her body as they laid together in bed, making her feel safe and comforted after they had just made love countless times.
All of these feelings land on her shoulders and weighs her down with an alarming amount of thoughts to bear alone for one person, so she quickly steps back as she pushes on Sara’s shoulders, in a small attempt to gain some composure. She swallows the guilt that is starting to surface as she sees the hurt and confusion in Sara’s stormy blues.
“I can’t do this… I thought I could, but I-” Ava whispers as she shakes her head, taking another step back.
“Ava-” Sara starts to get up after Ava, trying to close the distance between them, but Ava’s raised hand stops her in her tracks.
“Don’t… Whatever you’re thinking of saying, please don’t,” Ava pleads, her voice cracking at the end.
Sara’s shoulders sag upon hearing Ava’s tired voice saying such words. Sara’s eyes never leave her as Ava settles down on the couch once again. She grabs the blanket that’s draped over the back and wraps it around herself, almost as if she is creating a safety cocoon to serve as a barrier between them both.
Sara returns to her previous place in the armchair too, bringing her knees up to hold them against her chest to replace the comfort that Ava’s arms offered just moments ago.
After a couple of minutes in silence, Sara decides to put an end to it. “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable. It wasn’t my intention when I thought about coming over.”
“What was your intention then?” Ava asks in a low voice, not even sparing her a glance.
Sara shrugs her shoulders as a deep breath leaves her. “I just… I had all those bad thoughts and nightmares swimming around in my head, and I was trying to get away from them by focusing on good things.”
“I still don’t see how that has anything to do with me,” Ava tells her in a raspy voice, still clearly upset.
Sara’s eyes land on her, studying the way she seems to be curled into herself. So different from her usual image as the strong, unbothered, fierce, and put together Time Bureau Director that Sara has come to know and… love. She can’t help the heavy guilt that entangles itself around her heart, clenching painfully on the vital organ. How could she be so selfish to the point of ruining someone so kind, special, and loving as Ava?
She decides it is time to start being honest, for she has nothing more to lose right now. After all, the one main thing she had to lose, she already managed to go and lose it herself.
Sara takes a deep breath and finally lays down the last of her cards that she has always kept close to her chest. “No point in not playing with a full deck now," she thinks to herself before she speaks.
“My main good thought was you, Ava. My mind kept coming back to you, to what we had before I went and screwed up all those weeks ago.”
“Sara-” Ava whispers, more softly than ever before.
“I know, Ava. I know I ruined it all between us before we even got the chance to make it a real thing, but I really do miss you.”
Ava flinches at the confession but she still doesn’t look up, “You do?” she asks with doubt leaking through.
Sara gathers all the courage she can manage and gets up once again, making her way slowly to where Ava is. She sits down on the side of the couch opposite her, leaving some space between them.
“I really do, Ava,” Sara assures her, this time with conviction in her voice. When Ava remains silent, she decides that is her cue to keep going.
“You know…” she starts before taking a breathy sigh. “Laurel and I used to talk about the way I jumped from one meaningless one night stand to another.”
Ava’s light scoff gets her attention. “I really don’t wanna hear about your several sex partners right now.”
Sara gave a sad smile at that. “I wasn’t going there. Just let me finish, please?” she asks with an unfamiliar softness to her voice. When she receives a small nod from Ava, she continues.
“She used to say that I was just masking something bigger going on inside of me. After everything that had happened with Oliver, and later with Nyssa, I simply couldn’t give myself fully to another person again. Not to that extent. So it was easier to just find a stranger’s body to warm me up through the night and leave behind when morning came.
“And she once asked me if that was what I really wanted for the rest of my life. To keep running. She asked because she believed I was worthy of something better than that, someone better than that. She believed that if I really wanted the real thing, I could have it, because any person would be lucky to have me.”
Ava stops fidgeting with her fingers, her head finally turning to look at Sara, hoping it’s enough to show her that she is still listening.
“I laughed in her face when she said it, not believing it for one second. But she kept insisting and she even told me something along the lines of, ‘Laugh all you want, little sister, but one day you’re gonna find that special someone. And when that day comes, trust me when I say that you’ll want nothing more than having that person by your side. And if you’re lucky enough, they will want you back as well. So be prepared and be ready to fight for them and to give yourself freely to them, Sara. Because I assure you, you’re going to regret losing that person if you screw things up due to being afraid of having something real and meaningful in your life.’”
As Sara finishes speaking, her eyes are welling up with tears again. Ava can’t resist reaching out her left hand for Sara to take, trying to offer her some sort of support.
When Sara takes her hand in both of hers, Ava gives her a small smile. She wants to reach out with her free hand and wipe away her tears, but at the same time, she doesn’t want to cross some boundary, not when Sara is in such a fragile state. So she simply stays facing her, waiting for Sara to wipe away her own tears.
Once she does, Sara resumes her speech, but not before sniffling and taking a deep breath.
“As it turns out, Laurel was right, as she usually was. Because I did find that special someone, and as predictable as it was, I did push them away,” she admits, her voice breaking, followed by a sob. “I screwed things up because I got scared, Ava. I got scared of the way you made…” She cuts herself off, shaking her head. “Make me feel, and I regret it so damn much.”
Ava stays silent for a while, letting Sara’s words sink in. Her silence makes Sara fear the worst. Her last thread of control snaps, allowing some of the grief that they may never be together again to consume her. She attempts to stifle the sobs that wrack her body, even though it is a fruitless action.
After a few moments of listening to the heartbreaking sobs, Ava pushes the blanket off onto the floor and crosses the invisible barrier between them. She takes her hand from both of Sara’s and rests her left arm around her shoulders, bringing Sara closer to her.
Sara’s left arm immediately encircles Ava’s waist while she places her head against her chest.
“Why are you that scared of how I make you feel, Sara?” Ava asks after a few minutes of carding her long fingers through Sara’s hair, noticing how her breathing has become more even once she stops sobbing.
Sara takes a shaky breath, bracing herself for her next words. “Because I feel like I’m not good enough for you. Like I’ll never be able to give you everything you deserve.”
Ava’s hand goes still before she leans back to look Sara in the eyes. “Why would you think that?”
“Ava, come on…” Sara starts as she raises her head away from Ava’s chest. “Have you looked at yourself? You’re this beautiful, kind, strong, and good-hearted woman who has an amazing job that she kicks ass at,” she adds as she gestures at her, “and here I am, just some screw up troublemaker who constantly has to deal with her need to control her old demons and bloodlust. I’m nothing compared to you.”
Ava’s brows furrow at that, her mouth open in disbelief. She looks almost… sad. “Sara… How can you say those things about yourself?” she asks, her hands moving to cup Sara’s face. “Hey, listen to me. You are the strongest person I know. Sara, you went through hell and back, literally died and came back to life, and you still never stopped fighting. You never gave up! Not once! Many people tried to throw you back and keep you down, but you never let them. Instead, you showed them that no one messes with Sara Lance. You are a warrior and a survivor.”
Sara closes her eyes, shaking her head. “Ava-” she starts, grabbing one of Ava’s wrists, but Ava cuts her off.
“I’m not done yet. It’s my turn to talk now, so you will listen to it,” she tells her as her thumbs stroke Sara’s cheeks gently. “You wanna know what made me fall for you? The fact that you went through all of those awful things and yet, deep down, you remained human. You’re kind, gentle, and you worry about other people, especially about the ones closest to you,” Ava says, her eyes holding Sara’s gaze with an intensity that has her heart beating quicker.
“Especially when it comes to me,” Ava adds, her voice barely above a whisper. “When we made love, I felt seen and wanted. It was as if you were worshiping me…” she admits, her eyes landing on Sara’s lips for a fraction of a second before they return to her bright blue eyes. “I think that’s why it hurt so much when you broke up with me… Because it was as if none of that had been real, at least not for you,” Ava tells her, suddenly averting her gaze. “Especially when you implied that it had all been a mistake.”
Those words feel like a spear going through Sara’s heart, and she feels a dire need to prove to Ava that she is deeply wrong. She grabs her face, bringing her closer to her eye level.
“It wasn’t a mistake, Aves. It was all real, from the very beginning,” Sara assures her, pressing their foreheads together, “I loved every moment spent with you, I promise. I’m so sorry I made you feel like some meaningless affair.”
Ava nods against her, leaning away and then back in to hug her, burying her face in Sara’s left shoulder.
“I missed you, Sara.”
Sara holds her tightly, one hand cradling her head while the other rubs small circles on her back.
“I missed you too, Aves...” she says, breathing in the sweet smell of Ava’s perfume. She still can’t believe how stupid she was to end this. “Do you think that maybe… We could try again?” she asks with a tentative voice, her heart rate picking up at the prospect of rejection.
When she feels Ava’s body tense under her hold, it feels as if her heart stops for a couple of seconds. A few moments pass, and Ava is leaning back, putting some distance between them.
Her eyebrows are deep in a frown and Sara wants nothing more than to reach out and make it go away, but she doesn’t want to risk chasing Ava away, so she keeps her hands still in her lap.
At seeing the look of rejection on Sara’s face, Ava is quick to tuck some hair behind the smaller blonde’s ear, letting her hand linger against her cheek.
“Hey…” she starts, waiting for Sara to look at her. When she does, she continues, “Don’t get me wrong, Sara, I do want to try again. But it still hurts… The way you made me feel that day, I’m still not over it. I’m sorry, I wish I was able to forget more easily, but I just can’t. That’s not how I function,” she explains, throwing a sad smile Sara’s way, who simply shakes her head.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Ava. You have every right to feel that way, I was the one who acted wrongly. And I completely understand you needing time, I will give you all the space you need,” Sara tells her, her hand gently squeezing Ava’s. “I just have one thing to ask of you… I know I’m in no position, but I was wondering if I could crash here tonight? On the couch, I mean. I just don’t wanna spend the night alone, I’m scared of falling asleep to another round of nightmares,” she admits in a nervous ramble, scratching the back of her neck in a mixture of nerves and shame.
Ava squeezes her hand, trying to assure her that everything is fine. When Sara looks at her again, she says, “Yes, you can. I’m just gonna go to my bedroom to fetch another blanket and a throw pillow so you can spend the night more comfortable.”
When she returns to the living room after a few minutes, Sara is already laying down on the couch, her eyes closed and breathing shallow.
“Sara, wake up. Come on…” she calls in a whisper, shaking her shoulder gently. She gets a grunt in return, and can’t help the fond smile that appears on her face. “Please lift your head a little so I can place this pillow under it.”
Sara seems more awake after that, blinking the sleep away before doing as Ava tells her to. As soon as the back of her head hits the soft pillow, she lets out a moan of appreciation, feeling her tired body let itself go while Ava covers her with the soft blanket. While Ava is bent down, Sara slowly opens her eyes again and stares intensely at her for a moment before reaching a hand out to cup Ava’s face. She traces her cheek softly, losing herself in her mesmerizing and warm eyes for a couple of seconds.
“Sara…” Ava lets out in a tired whisper, but Sara can hear the warning undertone in it, making her drop her hand to her lap.
“Thank you, Ava,” Sara says with an intense sincerity that has Ava quickly straightening herself up to avoid giving in to what her traitorous heart is commanding her to do. Instead she decides to put a small and soft smile on her lips before saying, “Good night, Sara, sleep well.”
“You too, Aves.” She hears Sara’s faint whisper as she is reaching the stairs that lead to her bedroom. Ava glances back at her figure one last time, torn between going back and kissing Sara like her life depends on it, or simply going up to her bedroom and letting herself be enveloped in the comfort of her own bed. She ends up deciding on the latter. As much as she would like to give in to her desires, she knows that if she wants to get anywhere serious with Sara, they will have to go slowly through this.
***
Sara wakes up with a jolt, frantically searching around the room before she realizes where exactly she is. Once she relaxes a little bit, she tries to shake the remnants of her nightmare off, inhaling and exhaling slowly to keep herself calm. When she feels like she is better, she lays down once again and closes her eyes.
Five minutes go by and still sleep evades her with images of her nightmare flashing before her eyes.
So much blood on her hands from the bodies that were scattered across the floor surrounding her. Warm bodies turned into cold corpses by her murderous hands. A mirror appeared with a figure looming inside. There, right in front of her, she could see her assassin-self staring back, a malefic and satisfied smirk on her lips with black and dead eyes matching it.
She sits up quickly, her hands running through her hair as a shiver runs through her body. “I’m tired… I’m so fucking tired…” she whispers into the cold night. Sara stands up, looking at the now vacant couch before her mind wanders to Ava. Beautiful and sleep-warmed Ava, sleeping mere footsteps away from her. She knows the agreement was for her to stay on the couch, but she can’t help but imagining how warm and comfortable it must be by Ava’s side.
So in a matter of seconds, she finally makes her decision. She walks the steps leading to Ava’s bedroom. The door is slightly ajar, so she steps through the gap, moving as quietly as possible. She stops once she reaches the opposite side of where Ava is resting, paying attention to her breathing to make sure she is fully asleep. When Sara realizes she’s profoundly asleep, she pulls the sheets back and slips below them. She lays on her side, her eyes to Ava’s back. Her hands itch to touch her, to simply reach out and cuddle her from behind like they have already done so many times before. But she knows she can’t. This might be her last chance to make amends with Ava and create a new relationship from scratch, so she doesn’t really want to screw it up all over again.
She decides it’s best to lay on her back, trying to ignore the intrusive thoughts that plague her mind about the sleeping body by her side. Instead she focuses on the fact that Ava agreed to give it a try, that not all hope is lost for them. Sara can still do right by her, by them.
It’s with that hope that she eventually falls asleep, her heart warming up at the idea of her and Ava together one more time. It may not be for now, but it will eventually last longer than one night. She just needs to be patient until Ava is ready again.
***
In the morning, Ava wakes up to an empty bed, as would be expected. She stretches her limbs, letting out a yawn. On the place next to her, her hand falls on a piece of paper. She frowns before picking it up and bringing it to her eye level.
A warm smile replaces her frown as she reads it, ‘Aves, Thank you for letting me stay the night. I truly appreciate it, Sara.’