Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(01:24)

PG started a chat

PG added Dr. Reid, DEREK MORGAN, A Hotchner, Emily P, JJ, D Rossi

PG set chat name to BAU SQUAD

PG: WE NEEDED A GC

D Rossi: It’s 1:30 in the morning why do we need a gc right now 

DEREK MORGAN: does anyone understand why she does anything

PG: one should not question the ways of a goddess

DEREK MORGAN: oh don’t worry Baby Girl, I ain’t dumb enough to question shit about you. 

D Rossi: why are neither of you asleep ?

A Hotchner: Do any of us sleep?

Dr. Reid: Of course we sleep, the human body can only go so long without sleep and function properly.

A Hotchner: yeah but none of us sleep like we should

Dr. Reid: Obviously, with everything we see on a day to day basis it would be more concerning if we slept regularly than if we had nightmares and/or insomnia. 

PG set Dr. Reid’s name as Smexy

Smexy: Do I want to understand what this means?

JJ: no.

Emily P.: No.

Derek: maybe?

D Rossi: No.

A Hotchner: It means smart and sexy.

Smexy: Garcia is officially insane.

A Hotchner: we been knew

Smexy: That’s not even close to grammatical correct.

A Hotchner: it’s a meme

Smexy: Oh...

DEREK MORGAN: hey everyone  quick survey  if you have seen Pretty Boys contacts say fuck

DEREK MORGAN: Fuck

PG: Fuck

JJ: Fuck

Emily P.: what on earth could be interesting about Reid’s contacts it’s probably just our names

DEREK MORGAN: Your contact in his phone is #1 Lesbian

Emily P.: WHAT XD

D Rossi: what’s mine

DEREK MORGAN: Father

D Rossi: youre kidding

Smexy: STFU DEREK

A Hotchner: that’s great XD

DEREK MORGAN: Hotch using emojis makes me uncomfortable

PG: same

D Rossi: what are yours?

PG: Goddess. Spencer put me as Goddess because he’s a smart man

JJ: MINE IS “Big Sister <3”

DEREK MORGAN: “Best Bro”

A Hotchner: What’s mine?

Smexy: don’t you fucking dare

DEREK MORGAN: can’t tell.

JJ: not gonna

PG: I ain’t that dumb

A Hotchner: I feel fear wtf did you put my contact as Reid???

Smexy: no.

Emily P.: I wanna know so bad

JJ: you prolly don’t actually

D Rossi: is it that bad?

DEREK MORGAN: it’s not exactly what you’d expect

D Rossi: how insulting is it

A Hotchner: Asshole? Satan?

DEREK MORGAN: not insulting at all

PG: it makes mine for Derek seem PG

A Hotchner: what is yours for Derek

PG: Sex God.

Smexy: I hate you all

A Hotchner: i-

 Smexy: it’s not like that just embarrassing pls don’t ask

JJ: all of your contacts are embarrassing for you but Hotch yours raised some qUeStIoNs

A Hotchner: I feel fear

Smexy: I hate you all

DEREK MORGAN: you don’t hate Hotch 

Smexy: fuck you

A Hotchner: .....are we ignoring the fact Spencer cursed? Like twice?

PG: he curses a lot in text

PG: one time he drunk texted me after him and Derek has been out one night for “bros night” cause we don’t include Derek in girls night and it was basically a 12 page essay about his crush and it  had so much cursing and sexual shit I laughed for 5 hours and he wouldn’t make eye contact with me for 3 days

JJ: he sent it to all 3 of us

DEREK MORGAN: It was very naughty;)

Smexy: I hate you ALL

A Hotchner: Spencer your 26 I don’t wanna know why you did that but you could ask the girl out?

Smexy: there is no woman to ask out

D Rossi: you just got putted about having a crush on a girl that was apparently “very naughty”

Emily P.: sorry kid but how you gonna explain that?

A Hotchner: ask the boy out?

DEREK MORGAN: AT LEAST HOTCH CATCHES THE OBVIOUS 

Smexy: I hate you ALL

Emily P.: Spencer is gay???

Smexy: bi.

A Hotchner: ask him out 

Smexy: I’d rather relapse than deal with that embarrassment 

PG: I’ve got $50 on it being mutual

JJ: same

DEREK MORGAN: I got $100 that they will fuck before next year

Emily P.: I love Spence but I’d put $50 in it not being mutual, sorry he has shit luck

D Rossi: ily Reid but I’m with Prentiss

A Hotchner: they’d have to be stupid for Rossi and Prentiss to be right but I am not placing bets on you

Smexy: fuck my life

DEREK MORGAN: ask your Daddy to do it

Smexy: SHUT THE EVER LOVING FUCK UP DEREK MORGAN!

A Hotchner: wow

Chapter Text

BAU SQUAD

(20:15)

A Hotchner: Someone is in loooooovvvvvvveeeeeee

PG: WHO?!

A Hotchner: MY DAD

PG: OMG JACK DID YOU STEAL YOUR DAD’S PHONE

A Hotchner: yep.

PG: Good boy, now who doesn’t your Dad love

DEREK MORGAN: Does Hotch have a girlfriend?

D Rossi: Kid give your dad his phone back you should be in bed it’s almost 9

A Hotchner: MY BEDTIME IS 10:30 AND NO HE DOESNT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND I HEARD HIS AND AUNTIE JESSIE TALKING ABOUT HIS CRUSH

PG: WHO IS IT?!?!?

Smexy: I am positive this is a violation of your father’s privacy please return his phone to him

A Hotchner: who are you?

DEREK MORGAN: SHUT UP REID THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION 

PG: YEAH CAN IT SPENCER

A Hotchner: OH SPENCER! My Dad has a crush on YOU

A Hotchner: I heard him say it

JJ: OMFG KID ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Emily P.: ....

D Rossi: holy shit

Smexy: Jack that isn’t funny please go give your father his phone back now 

A Hotchner: it’s not meant to be funny Dad likes you 

A Hotchner: Spencer will you be my step-dad????

Smexy: Jack.  Give. Your. Father. His. Phone. Back. 

DEREK MORGAN: OTP

PG: OTP

JJ: OTP

D Rossi: WHAT IS HAPPENING

PG: my ship is sailing

DEREK MORGAN: IMMA BE REID’S BEST MAN AT THR WEDDING 

Smexy: please stop

Emily P.: they are scaring me

D Rossi: yeah 

JJ: NO IM GONNA BE HIS BEST WOMAN

DEREK MORGAN: WE CAN BOTH DO IT

JJ: YES

PG: WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

A Hotchner: I wanna be Dad’s best man

PG: you will be sweetie

Smexy: please stop

A Hotchner: SPENCER SHOULD WEAR A BLUE TUX

PG: I LOVE YOU YES HE SHOULD

JJ: Henry thinks Hotch should wear a green one

JJ: something about Slytherin/Ravenclaw

PG: YES!!!!!!!

A Hotchner: TELL HENRY HE IS MY BESTEST BESTEST FRIEND EVER!

JJ: he says you’re his Bestest bestest friend ever too

A Hotchner: YAY

A Hotchner: WE SHOULD ALL WEAR OUR HOUSE COLOURS!

PG: YES Hotch in green, Reid in blue, JJ in yellow, Emily in red, Derek in red, Rossi in red, me one blue, Jack in green, Henry in yellow

DEREK MORGAN: BEST IDEA EVER

Smexy: .... I kinda though of JJ as more of a ravenclaw like you and me

JJ: I know nothing about what y’all are talking about but okay

PG; yeah I guess JJ could be a ravenclaw too *shrugs* as long as we agree your marrying Hotch

Smexy: no. 

A Hotchner: I THOUGHT YOU LIKED DAD BACK HENRY SAID YOY DID

JJ: HE DOES

Smexy: your father doesn’t like me you probably misunderstood what was being said

A Hotchner: I did not!

A Hotchner: also y’all should go to Hawaii for your hunnymoon

PG: that’s so overdone

DEREK MORGAN: yeah they should go to a big comic convention in some place nice and just have like a weekend thing them do some touristy yhings

PG: omfg that would be so CUTE

JJ: REID YOU SHOULD LET ME DO YOUR HAIR ALL PRETTY FOR THE WEDDING

Smexy: guys stop

PG: OTP

DEREK MORGAN: OTP

JJ: OTP

PG: I can’t wait until you two are together

DEREK MORGAN: yeah your gonna be an amazing could

JJ: if you want to have kids I’ll be your   surrogate 

PG: I VOLUNTEER MY WHOB AS WELL

DEREL MORGAN: I CANT DO THAT BUT I WILL TOTALLY SIGN UP TO BABY SIT ANY POSSIBLE CHILDREN

PG: omfg I wish there was a way for two men to have babies

JJ: THAT WOUDL BE SO CUTE

PG: I KNOW ROGHT

DEREK MORGAN: FUCKING ADORABLE

Smexy: are you three done yet

A Hotchner: what the hell is going on?

Smexy: Hotch?

A Hotchner: yes.

Smexy: Jack gave JJ, Derek and Penelope a horrible idea

Smexy: tell them he’s wrong

PG: IM WRITTING SMUT ABOUT YOU AND SPENCER

JJ: OMFG SEND IT

DEREK MORGAN: SEND IT TO THE HEID GC

Smexy: Heid??

DEREK MORGAN: HOTCHNER/REID

Smexy: why did I even ask

A Hotchner: what’s going on?

Smexy: Jack said you had a crush on me and those three lost their minds

A Hotchner: That’s insane I would never have feeling for you

PG: oh...

DEREK MORGAN: oh....

JJ: oh.....

Smexy: yeah I know you wouldn’t those three are crazy

A Hotchner: yeah

Smexy: also have a good night guys I’m heading to bed, anyone who brings me coffee tomorrow I will love forever tho

A Hotchner: night Spencer

Chapter Text

OTP OTP OTP

(13:43)

PENNY: did anyone else see that Hotch brought Spencer his favorite coffee this morning 

JJ: OH I SAW

Chocolate Thunder: oh we all saw

Chocolate Thunder: OTP CONFIRMED

PENNY: No one will ever convince me otherwise

JJ: seriously tho they should really get together

PENNY: do you think I could convince them to make a sex tape?

Chocolate Thunder: is it gay if I say I’d want to watch that???

JJ:....

PENNY:....

PENNY: maybe a little

Chocolate Thunder: whatever *shrugs* I man can appreciate two other men

JJ: whatever seriously don’t do that I never wanna see that

PENNY: wait I got a match sending it over now you guys go do your thing

Chocolate Thunder: okay thanks baby girl

Chapter Text

BAU SQUAD

(18:57)

PG: Diana Reid is a wonderful woman

Smexy: as much as I love my mother I know feel a lot of fear 

PG: 

PG: BEHOLD BABY SPENCER!!!!

PG: 

PG:

PG:

PG:

PG:

PG: HE WAS SO FREAKING CUTE!!!! And weird!!!!!

Smexy: please delete this all NOW

JJ: OMFG YOUR HAIR

DEREK MORGAN: WHOSE THUMB IS THAT?!?!

Emily P.: BABY

D Rossi: wtf kid

JJ: you really never learned what your hair is supposed to look like you adorable dweeb 

Smexy: I hate you all

A Hotchner: I don’t know what to say 

Smexy: kill me now

PG: No thanks c:

A Hotchner: sorry 

Smexy: I can’t believe she sent those

PG: you were adorable

JJ: so cute

DEREK MORGAN: WHO’S THUMB IS THAT

Smexy: ....one of my ex boyfriends now shush

JJ: you had a boyfriend with tattoos who took a picture of you sucking his thumb

Smexy: I was 20

JJ: that’s gay

Smexy: yeah what’s your point bitch 

PG: your cute

JJ: So cute

DEREK MORGAN: was that like a college emo phase

Smexy: shut up I have your baby photos cause your mom sends them

DEREK MORGAN: go ahead pretty boy prove I was always a sex god

Smexy: your disgusting 

DEREK MORGAN: I’m your best friend.

Smexy: true

A Hotchner: you were cute Reid 

JJ: how old were you in these

Smexy: 14, 18, 16, 19, 20, 15

JJ: adorable do these were all in college

Smexy: yeah

PG: why do some look like high school year books

Smexy: the gsa I was in had a sort of year book thing

A Hotchner: gsa?

Smexy: Gay Straight Alliance  

A Hotchner: ah

D Rossi: I’m stuck on the blonde photo

Emily P.: same

Emily P.: ily kid but please never do that again

Smexy: trust me I won’t 

PG: are you actually gonna expose Derek?

Smexy: nah

Chapter Text

BAU SQUAD

Smexy: seeing as morgan put salt in my coffee i have decided to go back on my previous statement 

PG: oh thank gods show us little morgan

Smexy:

Smexy:

Smexy:

Smexy:

Smexy:

Smexy: and seeing how ms garcia was clearly so happy to expose morgan

Smexy:

Smexy:

DEREK MORGAN: someone remind me to never cross pretty boy again

PG: all he did was prove we were both always sexy

D. Rossi: do you have pictures of everyone Reid

Smexy: even you and hotch,hell  ive got shit on Strattus 

A Hotchner: well that's not terrifying 

Smexy: i'm the cute nerd everyone trust me with their secrets, i know fucking everything

A Hotchner: i don't doubt that

JJ: uh-huh whats my favourite butterfly 

Smexy: Spicebush swallowtail, the firsst time you saw one in person you cried for three days because you killed it and then felt guilty for years about putting it in a shadow box, you still have it , it's in the top of Henry's closet.

JJ: that was a secrete

Smexy: all is fair in ove and war JJ and this is war

Emily P.: its just coffee reid

PG: DOES ROSSI HAVE ANY KIDS

D. Rossi: no

Smexy: just 1 son he knows of, he's 29 and they don't talk but every two years they silently have ice cream together at a run down dinner on the kids birthday

Smexy: wanna know the mama's name?

PG: YES!!

D Rossi: NO.

Smexy: don't worry rossi i'm saving that one for when you actually cross me

DEREK MORGAN: all this drama over a little salt in your coffee

Smexy: I HATE YOU

A Hotchner: can i not be targeted pls i'll buy you coffee

PG: AW OTP

DEREK MORGAN: OTP

JJ: OTP

Emily P.: OTP

D Rossi: seriously emily you too?

Emily P.: tell me you honestly don'y ship it

D Rossi: didn'y say that

A Hotchner: i feel f e a r

Smexy: EMILY HAS OVER 50 BAND SHIRTS FROM DIFFRENT EMO BANDS HER FIRST CONCERT WAS SOME GREEN DAY AND SHE KNOWS EVERY MY CHEM SONG AND HAS A SECRET E-GIRL TIKTOK 

Emily P.: SPENCER REID

JJ: its cute

Emily P.: shut up

DEREK MORGAN: I CANNOT STOP LAUHGING

Smexy: Derek plays the piano but he only know 80's boyband songs

PG: do you actually know everything 

Smexy: yes.

D. Rossi: okay do you know how long Hotch bas been in love with you?

Smexy: he is not, Jack misunderstood, i know everything, hotch doesn't have feeligs for me

A Hotchner: guess you don't now everything

Smexy: I DO

Smexy: wait..

Smexy: what...

A Hotchner has left the group

PG: OTP

DEREK MORGAN: OTP

JJ: OTP

Emily P.: OTP

Smexy: WHAT!

PG: 1 AARON HOTCHNER LOVES 1 SPENCER REID

Smexy: garcia?

PG: yes babycakes

Smexy: tell me where hotch is right now?

PG: why? c:

Smexy: cause i really need to talk to him

PG: ARE YOU GONNA CONFESS

Smexy: either that or jump him

PG: [address-link-to -a.hotchers-phone]

Smexy: bye guys

Chapter Text

BAU SQUAD

PG added A Hotchner to BAU SQUAD

PG: Tell me you two are together.

Smexy: no we are not

DEREK MORGAN: WHAT YOU TWO BETTER BE A FUCKING COUPLE BY MIDNIGHT OR I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

DEREK MORGAN: YOU CHILDREN NEED TO SORT YOUR SHIT

A Hotchner: i am both older than you and your superior.

Emily P.: WHO NEEDS TO SORT HIS SHIT AND GET A FUCKING BOYFRIEND

Smexy:...

A Hotchner:....

Smexy: i was simply saying we aren't in the same room right now

PG: what

A Hotchner: Spencer is in the living room with Jack reading him a story, and i'm making us dinner

PG: pls tell me jack isn't involved in your date you cannot have sexy fun time with a child

A Hotchner: dear god someone control her

Smexy: we are eating dinner together with jack then we are going to spend a few hours just

PG: FUCKING LIKE RABBITS?!

A Hotchner: talking.

DEREK MORGAN: IF MY PRETTY BOY ISN'T AT LEAST BEING CUDDLED DURING THAT TALKING I AM COMING FOR YOU HOTCH

Smexy: maybe you don't need to know what me and aaron will be doing ;)

A Hotchner: pls don't incourage them

PG: RIDE HIM AND FILM IT

JJ: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT BUT YOU

DEREK MORGAN: I mean.... i'm with baby girl here

Smexy: ...wait what

D Rossi: everything happening here is sending me to an earky grave

Smexy: is it really early tho?

PG: OMFG I JUST SPIT TEA ALL OVER DEREKS PERFECT ABS

A Hotchner: was the add on necessary

PG: DREAM THREESOME TO WATCH

Smexy: pls no

DEREK MORGAN: I ain't gay

JJ: you literally just said you'd watch

JJ: also you said you'd be down yesterday

DEREK MORGAN: gir stfu not nobody need to know that

Emily P.: exposed

D Rossi: spencer is going to hell for the old joke but god damn  Derek how far in the clost are you

A Hotchner; can this end yet

Smexy: depends what are your opinions on threesomes?

A Hotchner: SPENCER

Smexy: IM JOKING

PG: OMFG PLEASE FUK

JJ: I DONT WANT TO SEE THIS

D Rossi: AND YOU THINK I DO?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?

Emily P.: *eating popcorn while watching this shit*

DEREK MORGAN: I AM NOT IN THE CLOSET

Smexy: still waiting for the answer

A Hotchner: not discussing this

DEREK MORGAN: I AM NOT GAY

Smexy: quick question

PG: for who

Smexy: derek

DEREK MORGAN: what?

Smexy: okay list every person you have slept with

DEREK MORGAN: that is a long list pretty boy

Smexy: okay how about one's that were not women

DEREK MORGAN: 2 wasn’t my thing

Smexy: so you've slept with a shit ton of women but also 2guys

DEREK MORGAN: not my thing

Smexy: and you are not attracted to men?

DEREK: eh not sexually

PG: DEREKS BISEXUALITY OR WHATEVER ISNT IMPORTANT RN ARE YOU TWI GONNA MARRY OR WHAT

Smexy: you scare me

A Hotchner: she scares everyone

Emily P.: IS THE SHIP CANNON

A Hotchner: fine yes we are together just s t o p a l r e a d y

PG: OTP

Emily P.: OTP

DEREK MORGAN: OTP

JJ: OTP

Chapter Text

BAU Squad

D Rossi: it’s been suspiciously quite with the problem children tonight...

Emily P: I’m on a date you old hag

DEREK MORGAN: wait is it time to drag Rossi for being like 80 again?

D Rossi: I regret asking

Emily P: fuck yeah this girls so boring let’s drag the fossil

Smexy: please leave him alone 

Smexy: I have shit on all of you remember. 

PG: I love that Spencer became the scary one of us

PG: yo @emily P how you feel about boy wonder stealing your place

Emily P: if I wasn’t a lesbian I’d be into it instead I just feel a shit ton of respect

A Hotchner: Hi!

Smexy: Jack it’s late why are you up?

DEREK MORGAN: how do you know it’s jack?

Smexy: would Aaron use an exclamation mark?

PG: baby boy got a point

DEREK MORGAN: true what’s up lil dude

A Hotchner: dad and aunt Jess sent me to my room because they’re fighting

Smexy: are you okay?

A Hotchner: I told aunt Jess that you and dad are together now and she’s mad because she thought it was a joke and then she called dad some bad words and said I shouldn’t be around you two

DEREK MORGAN: hey Pretty Boy get dressed we are going over to Hotch’s place

Smexy: Jack are you okay?

Smexy: Derek we cant just show up there

PG: maybe you guys should Jack  Shouldn’t be hearing that 

A Hotchner: can you guys please come get me

D Rossi: at least go pick up the boy

Smexy: yeah okay jack we’ll be there soon

__________

A Hotchner: thanks for taking Jack, Morgan

PG: what happened exactly?

Smexy: me and Derek showed up to get Jack and Jess got massively pissed at me, started yelling some vulgar shit about how “fags shouldn’t be near kids” and Derek took Jack outside before coming back in and putting Jess  in her place it was intense 

PG: threesome?

D Rossi: STOP SEXUALIZING PEOPLE PENELOPE 

PG: yeah that ain’t gonna work

DEREK MORGAN: just be happy she ain’t never gonna flirt with you old man

Emily P: are you guys okay...? 

A Hotchner: I kicked Jess out and me and Jack are headed to bed Derek and Spencer just left

Emily P: where’s JJ

PG: oh her phone broke imma add her new thing tomorrow when she gets to work but now onto the most important question 

DEREK MORGAN: FOR FUCKS SAKE PENELOPE HOTCH AND REID ARE NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH ME

A Hotchner: I never thought I’d see the day you two fought 

Smexy: Derek are you okay

Smexy: Penelope you do need to calm down a bit but Derek shouldn’t have snapped are you okay?

D Rossi: I don’t know what to do with mediator Reid or the fact that Morgan snapped at Garcia

PG: oh we’ll be fine sugar peas you don’t even know what goes on in our dms ;* but no this ain’t about how sexy you three are I meant the actual important question. Is Jack okay?

DEREK MORGAN: sorry baby girl

PG: no need chocolate thunder, but serious is Jack okay I can’t imagine he handled hearing all that well

A Hotchner: He’s a little shaken up and he asked to sleep in here with me tonight but he’ll be fine, he’s smart enough to understand the issues that come with this when I explained being bi to him I told him there are people who have issues with men who love men and women who love women just like I did after Emily came out to everyone and he asked me why she didn’t just say it sooner he knows the issues that come with it but I don’t think he’s actually seen it before so he’s just going to be a bit clingy and protective for a bit just like when one of us gets hurt on a case and he clings to be for a few weeks

PG: I wanna bake the little munchkin a cake and cuddle all the sadness out of him

DEREK MORGAN: good luck beating Spence to that one I can’t tell you how heart broken he looked when I said I was leaving so we could both be at work on time tomorrow 

Emily P: you could have just stayed I’m sure Jack would have wanted all 3 of you there

PG: yeah I don’t feel good about Jack and Hotch being alone rn

A Hotchner: while Derek and Spencer were welcome they both wanted to sleep in their own beds and Jack understood 

Smexy: we promised we’d have a sleepover with him after the next case, 

DEREK MORGAN: we said we’d try to get everyone so it’ll be at the place I just fixed up it’s got a huge living room so I figured get the boys and all us and just cling all night

D Rossi: nice offer I have plans though 

A Hotchner: Jack’s pouting but he says okay have fun

Emily P: I have another date with boring girl but I’m gonna be there cause queer solidarity and i wanna hug the little monster 

PG: I just messaged will to ask JJ she’ll bring Henry cause we all know Jack adores Henry and we’ll both be there

A Hotchner: I hate saying this but...

A Hotchner: I love you guys and I really appreciate everything you do because you’re all the best family I could ever wish to have around myself and my son

D Rossi: who broke hotch

PG: shush hes is love and it’s beautiful 

DEREK MORGAN: Love you too Hotch and your right, I don’t think any of us could have asked for a better family

PG: I love all my little super babies 

Emily P: anyone screenshot this and I’ll kill you but i love you guys too

D Rossi: I hope you can feel my sight but I too love you all, even the problem children  (that’s you Emily and Spencer)

DEREK MORGAN: wait where is my pretty boy?

A Hotchner: ? He has been a bit silent

Smexy: sorry I’m crying but I love you all so much and David you better come or I’m exposing you for a shit ton of stuff about to r youth, you’re blood family (and maybe children(?)) your the oldest I have the most on you also Aaron I love you and Jack and Derek thank you for everything I will expose you though if you say jack shit about what I told you do you understand you stupid jock and that includes to your “baby girl” 

DEREK MORGAN: okay baby boy 1 calm down a few, 2 seriously raising some questions here okay, 3 I won’t say shit until I’m allowed to

PG: I-

PG: why can’t I know

A Hotchner: you’ll find out after all three of us do

PG: ???

Emily P: ????

D Rossi: do we want to know?

Smexy: possibly not you but like Garcia definitely will but we don’t even know shit yet so like ... sleepover and cuddles 

D Rossi: I’ll see if I can be there but I won’t make promises and I don’t fear you kid a gust of wind still can knock you over

Chapter Text

BAU SQUAD

PG: okay Reid we need to have a talk

Smexy: omfg what nOW

PG: I’ve been sent something very interesting and I want an explanation 

Smexy: more photos of me?

PG: just one. 

Emily P: why do I feel concerned

JJ: I mean same? What’s the Pic Penny

PG: never call me penny again  

Smexy: JJ I have your baby photos too.

PG: thanks Reid 

PG: now time to talk.

A Hotchner: did he actually do anything? Or are you just being thirsty

PG: you using slag and emojis and shit is still freaky but yes he did something

PG: also you bringing him coffee in the mornings is adorable I still say y’all should have a HP themed wedding even if JKR is an evil terf

A Hotchner: what did he do?

D Rossi: are we not gonna talk about Derek or whatever is going on there today I’m still confused

PG: we Will Talk About Derek’s Shit LATER!

PG: right now we are going to talk about THIS

PG: 

Smexy: ...okay?

JJ: you smoke?

Smexy I used to?

Smexy: so?

D Rossi: really so what he smoked I smoke cigars all the time what’s your point

PG: where does this come from

Smexy: uhh 3 years ago it was like right before I quite again, I smoked in college and I did for a few years after but like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Smexy: I quite again 2 years ago because I know the dangers of it

DEREK MORGAN: guys why has Penelope sent me 45 dms that are just half naked pics of Spencer

Smexy: cause she’s thirsty?

Emily P: if I wasn’t a lesbian I’d prolly agree you look good there Spencer

PG: SMOKING IS BAD BUT WHY DO YOU LOOK SO ATTRACTIVE @A Hotchner Look at your man and say something

A Hotchner: Dad threw his phone a few second ago and went upstairs all red faced, I was gonna call Henry on it but I don’t wanna know what y’all are talking about it sounds nasty

JJ: you can call Henry, we are just talking about how pretty your future step dad is

A Hotchner: Dad has Spencer as “the most beautiful boy in the fucking world” in his phone 

Smexy: I love exposing Hotch hours thank you for that information I’m gonna hold it over his head

PG: I can expose what yours is for him back to why this picture exist

Smexy: my friend Ethan took it I think during some time we had off I visited him after seeing my mom

JJ: aw don’t smoke it’s bad for you

Smexy: all this is doing is a.) huge confidence boost and b.) making me want a cigarette 

Smexy: also I can do whatever I want your not the boss of me

D Rossi: actually I got some cigars here and am having some people with brains over for dinner come join Spence we need to talk anyways

Smexy: we need to talk?

D Rossi: everyone else has given Hotch the shovel talk over you someone needs to talk to you also I just want someone here who isn’t an idiot 

PG: since when is Reid not on your idiot list? 

Smexy: I’m a genius?

PG: oh baby your still an oblivious idiot in a lot of other ways

JJ: I love you Spence but you have no clue how human interaction works

DEREK MORGAN: honestly pretty boy a lot goes over your head

Emily P: I mean we all find it endearing as shit but really you miss so much 

D Rossi: I still like him and Hotch better than you 4 though

PG: BUT DAD!