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Richie had spent many years thinking about Eddie’s wedding. He did this because he always imagined it would be his wedding too. And not in the “joint wedding” kind of way. The “gay wedding” kind of way.
When he was younger, he thought of a white wedding, the same as most young kids. He had just thought that was how it worked, getting married in a church with everyone dressed up while wedding bells chimed. As he got older, he started to realize that a wedding was whatever you wanted it to be, and he thought about everyone wearing whatever they wanted, and maybe he and Eddie would still dress up, but only because they wanted to. They would have it at an arcade or something and everyone could play games and he and Eddie could play Street Fighter, and air hockey, and ski ball while everyone else had fun and ate shitty food. All the Losers would be there, and maybe Richie’s parents. But all that really mattered to him was that Eddie was there, too. Richie could not imagine his wedding if Eddie weren’t the one at the altar.
Well. He was at Eddie’s wedding. It was tradition-bound in a white church. And Richie was Eddie’s best man.
Richie had met Myra once, and Richie couldn’t stop thinking about Eddie’s mom the whole time. Not in the way he sometimes jokingly said he couldn’t stop thinking about Eddie’s mom, but in the sense that Myra was basically Eddie’s mom down to her bare essentials- controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive, and guilt tripping. Richie had tried to give her the benefit of the doubt before meeting her, but with the way Eddie often talked about her, it was hard to. Eddie had spent many a night complaining to Richie about another shitty thing his girlfriend had done and how he was dreading whatever date they had planned.
“Eds, if she’s that bad, why are you with her?” Richie would ask.
“I mean, she’s not that bad,” was often Eddie’s response. “Things are just kind of rough right now. All relationships have rough moments.”
Except it seemed that every moment for them was a rough moment. Actually meeting her solidified the idea that Myra was just as awful as Richie had feared. Every moment between them was either a fight, or Eddie doing something he didn’t want to do for the sake of avoiding a fight.
She really did remind him too much of Eddie’s mom, the woman who had lied to Eddie for years about his meds. Who constantly controlled what he ate, what he did, and who he saw. Who had driven him to tears more times than Richie could count without a second of remorse. Who barely even knew about Richie because he was a trifecta of things she hated, clocking in at gay, and trans, and autistic, and she wouldn’t want Eddie getting infected.
Richie recalled the day Eddie turned 18, when he called the doctor and scheduled every single vaccine he had never gotten. Richie went with him to all those appointments because a part of Eddie thought that maybe his mom was right, and they would make him sick, and he was afraid he would chicken out if he was alone.
Richie remembered thinking that maybe this meant things would get better. That Eddie was coming loose from Sonia’s grasp, and he would be able to get out of there and he would be on his way to unlearning all the lies he had been fed with the help of his friends by his side.
But then Myra happened. And all the progress Eddie made seemed to disappear.
Richie had met her a couple months ago, that day his opinion of her solidified, and Eddie had said, “I wanted you to meet her because I was going to ask her to marry me.”
Richie had froze. A million things had gone through his mind, a million different questions.
“How could you marry her?”
“Don’t you know she’s just like your mom?”
“You were doing so well, what happened?”
“Does she know about me?”
“Would she hate me if she knew what I am?”
He had chosen to keep all those to himself, and instead asked, “Why would you have me meet her first?”
Eddie had seemed confused. “You’re my best friend, Rich. I’m asking for your blessing.”
Richie could have stopped it there, could have said so many different things that could have stopped Eddie from going through with it. But he was terrified, of so many things, but mostly of angering (and maybe even losing) Eddie.
So he had given the best smile he could muster and said, “No. She seems great. I’m happy for you.”
And now he was at their wedding, months later, staring at his own exhausted, red-rimmed eyes in the mirror before putting his glasses back on.
There was a knock at the door and he cleared his throat before yelling, “Yeah?”
“The groom wants to see you,” someone Richie didn’t know yelled back.
“Alright, give me a minute,” Richie said. He heard footsteps retreating, and he rubbed at his eyes one more time before going to find Eddie’s room.
When he walked in, he saw everything he wasn’t expecting. The room was trashed, and in the middle, was Eddie, pacing, and looking just as much like a mess.
The door swung shut behind Richie, and the sound was enough to alert Eddie of his presence. His head snapped to where Richie was standing, and Richie honest to god jumped. Eddie looked like a wild animal.
“Eds, are you ok?” Richie asked.
“Don’t call me that!” Eddie yelled, jabbing a finger in Richie’s direction.
Richie jumped again. He knew that Eddie usually only said that because that was their whole routine, Richie calling him a dumb nickname and Eddie denying it, but given his current state, Richie decided to just listen to Eddie.
“Eddie… What happened?” Richie asked, taking in more of the room.
“I can’t do this, Richie,” Eddie said. His voice was rushed, and he was waving his arms in large gestures. “I can’t.”
“W… What do you mean?” Richie asked. He began to approach Eddie slowly, as if he would startle otherwise.
“I can’t marry her, Richie,” Eddie said. “I just can’t.”
Those were the words Richie had been wanting to hear for months. That he had come to his senses, and he realized it was a mistake, and that he was going to break it off. It was all Richie had wanted, for Eddie’s sake.
But right now, it was the cold feet of a husband to be, and Richie had a duty to fulfill.
“Eddie, I know it’s scary, but it’s just cold feet.” Richie tried to smile reassuringly. “I mean, you do want to marry her, right? Don’t you love her?”
“No!” Eddie shouted. He ran his hands through his hair. “I thought I could pretend, just like always, and that would make my family happy, but I can’t keep doing this!”
“Woah, woah, Eddie-” Richie was rushing to his side now, and placing his hands on his shoulders. “What do you mean?”
“I’m gay, Richie!” Eddie yelled. He collapsed into Richie’s chest immediately afterwards, hands gripping the back of his suit.
Richie absentmindedly wrapped his arms around Eddie, stuck on the last thing he had said. He heard quiet sobs, muffled by his own body, he began to run a hand up and down Eddie’s back. Richie had never been good at comforting people, but this was familiar enough.
Slowly, Eddie’s sobs subsided before stopping completely. Richie just held him in his arms, softly rocking the two of them.
Finally, Eddie spoke. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I only realized very recently.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Richie said automatically. He meant it. He knew how scary it was, no matter what. He paused, rolling Eddie’s words around in his mind, and then added, “How recently?”
“Recently, like… After meeting Myra recently,” Eddie explained. “It felt so easy, falling into old routines, like when I lived with my mom. I was so scared of myself. Realizing it felt like remembering something I’ve always known. Like I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.” He gripped Richie tighter. “I’m such an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot,” Richie said, voice soft, but firm. He hoped he sounded assuring. “It’s hard to break out of toxic cycles. You’re not to blame for any of this.”
Eddie was silent for a few moments before speaking up again. “Do you remember when I asked for your blessing?”
Richie’s heart stopped. He swallowed. “Yeah?”
“I was hoping you would say something else,” Eddie said. “Something to keep me from going through with it. My family was asking about it, and so was she, and I knew I would cave unless someone snapped me out of it. I was hoping it would be you.”
Richie’s heart twisted. Never in his life had he ever felt as guilty as he did in this moment. “I’m so sorry, Eds. I knew she was terrible, we all did, but we were all terrified of saying something and making you mad or pushing you away. You deserved so much better.” There were tears welling in his own eyes now. “I’m so sorry.”
Eddie held him even tighter, pulled him impossibly closer as tears silently slid down Richie’s face.
“You want to know how I realized I was gay?” Eddie asked.
Richie swallowed, thick and audible. “How?”
Eddie pulled out of his chest and looked up at him, looked Richie in the eye. He was the only person Richie could stand to make eye contact with.
Richie could remember the exact moment he realized he was in love with Eddie. He remembered being twelve years old and making Eddie laugh and thinking “I love his laugh” and then “I love making him laugh” and then “I love him”.
And as he was remembering this, Eddie said, “I realized I was in love with you.”
Richie’s eyes widened. He didn’t believe it, he couldn’t. “What?”
“I love you, Rich,” Eddie said. “Of all the people I’ve ever met, I’ve never felt about someone the way I feel about you.”
Richie just stared at him for a few moments, and then he placed a hesitant hand on Eddie’s cheek. His hand was shaking, the way it always did when he was nervous, itching for something to do. When Eddie leaned into the touch, he sucked in a breath, as if being reanimated.
“I love you, too,” he said. “Fuck, I’ve loved you for so long.”
“Get me out of here,” Eddie said, like a command. And then, like a plea, “Get the other Losers, and get me out of here.”
“I’m on it.” Richie planted a kiss on Eddie’s forehead before sending a message to the rest of the Losers saying, “We’re getting Eddie out of here. Pack up and let’s go.”
Richie rushed back to his room to pack his things, throwing everything haphazardly into his suitcases. Luckily, he had a habit of living out of his suitcase, so most of his stuff was already packed. He was supposed to be here for three days. It was day two.
He peaked out into the hallway, and as soon as he realized nobody was around, he rushed back into Eddie room, where he was quickly folding clothes and putting things into bags. Richie couldn’t help with all of that, but he went around the room and gathered everything he could to bring it over to Eddie.
Once both their suitcases were packed, Eddie placed a note on the bed, one that he knew would shatter every illusion he had been maintaining for the sake of his family. Then they looked at each other.
Richie wanted to ask Eddie if he was sure. But it was clear to him that Eddie had been dealing with this for a while, and had been desperate for something to happen. In the absence of that something, he had taken matters into his own hands. For a brief wondrous moment, Richie was reminded of just how brave Eddie was.
Then Eddie pulled him into a kiss, and it felt like the world around them was burning, and they were the only two people that mattered.
When they pulled away, they were both smiling, and they grabbed their suitcases and each other’s hands before rushing through the empty halls and out the door where the rest of the Losers were waiting. They all looked confused, until they saw their giant grins and intertwined hands, and Richie and Eddie watched the excitement and relief wash over their bodies. They all rushed to the parking lot, suitcases in tow.
“I’m booking a hotel right now,” Ben announced. “We might only be able to get one room.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time we had a floor sleepover,” Richie said.
“And the actual bed?” Stan asked.
“I say Eds deserves it,” Richie said.
“About that-” Bev patted Ben’s arm as he broke away from the group to call one of the other hotels in the area. She flashed a knowing smile. “Would you be sharing this bed with him?”
“While I have shared beds with Kaspbraks before-” Eddie wacked Richie on the arm. “Only if Eds is comfortable with it.” He wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “It’s been a hectic afternoon and everything just sort of… Happened.”
“About that,” Mike cut in. “What happened?”
Eddie’s wide eyes scanned across his friends’ faces before blurting out, “I’m gay and in love with Richie.”
“Well, we noticed that,” Mike said, with a small smile that bordered on a smirk. “But what happened?”
“I just kind of… Finally realized that I couldn’t go my whole life trying to appease my family,” Eddie explained. “The realization that I was about to marry someone I can’t stand instead of someone who would actually make me happy kind of snapped me out of it.”
Richie looked at him, and immediately realized that Eddie was looking at him while he spoke. He was smiling, and had a gentle love in his eyes.
“I’d rather be happy than be miserable for my family’s sake,” he finished.
Richie smiled back, and squeezed Eddie’s hand. Eddie squeezed back, and Richie smiled even wider.
“Alright-” Everyone’s gazes snapped to Ben. “We now have a room at the Lancaster. There’s two beds. Richie and Eddie can have one. The rest of us can fight for the other.”
They all piled into their cars, Eddie abandoning the one he and Myra had arrived in together in favor of getting into Richie’s car. His phone was buzzing with phone calls and text messages the second he got inside, but he turned it off, and then took Richie’s hand. Richie smiled at him before starting the car.
“We don’t have to share the bed if you don’t want to,” Richie said once they were on the road. “A lot just happened, and this-” He briefly lifted their hands. “Is new.”
“I’ve been waiting for this for a while now, Rich,” Eddie said. Then his voice got soft. “Longer than I’ve realized. I want to fall asleep next to you.”
Richie grinned, heart full. Of course, he had to get at least one in.
“Beats sleeping next to your mom.”
Eddie whacked him with his free hand, and Richie laughed.
A silence fell over them, and then Eddie said, “Well I was basically about to spend the rest of my life sleeping next to my mom, so you’re definitely a step up.”
Richie gasped, and went to look at Eddie, but a hand shot out and pushed his face back. “Eyes on the road!”
“Oh my god, Eds!” Richie was grinning so hard his face hurt. “I’ve done it. I’ve corrupted you. There’s no turning back now.”
Richie could hear the soft smile on Eddie’s face when he said, “Yeah… Yeah, no turning back.”
Richie’s smile softened, and he felt a soft itch in his eyes as the Lancaster came into view.
No turning back.