Chapter Text
R2 was grateful to be back in the lovely Firespray, hooking himself up to her communication servers so he could keep her up to date on the evolving discussion. R2 was helping Friend Obi-Wan, Sensible Soldier, Strange Organic, and Stubborn Hunter discuss the best way to present their Manifesto.
“I’m not calling us an Empire,” Friend Obi-Wan argued for what was the 12th time during this conversation.
“We need to present ourselves as a proper threat if people are going to take us seriously,” Sensible Soldier pointed out.
Friend Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. “Calling ourselves an Empire is somewhat ridiculous though. We may have two armies, but we’ll have a total of one planet, and we’re bluffing about how many resources we have available to us.”
R2 supposed that was fair, even if he’d been fond of Stubborn Hunter’s idea to call themselves an Empire.
Vicious Child meandered into the hold of the Firespray that had been turned into the planning room. He plopped next to R2 with a datapad.
R2 shifted a visual receptor to see what Vicious Child was doing, curious when he found that Vicious Child was creating a poll.
He beeped an inquisitive question.
Vicious Child grinned up at him. “I’m taking suggestions from all the others for what to call our faction.” He pointed to one of the suggestions. “This one’s mine.” R2 whistled his amusement as he read Vicious Child’s suggestion: ‘the United Armies for Galactic Domination’ indeed.
He whistled his own idea, and Vicious Child added ‘Kenobi’s Sentient Alliance Army’ to the list, though R2 doubted that Friend Obi-Wan would appreciate their army being called after him. He’d suggest ‘R2’s Sentient Alliance Army’, but the galaxy wasn’t quite ready for an army named after a droid, and everyone would know that he and Friend Obi-Wan were a package deal soon enough.
R2 read through a few more of the suggestions, watching as the system Vicious Child had set up showed when a name got an extra vote.
He tuned back in as Friend Obi-Wan let out a sigh.
“You can’t just tell the Galaxy that you’re willing to stand down if they agree to negotiate with each other,” Stubborn Hunter argued. R2 wondered what he’d missed because Friend Obi-Wan and Stubborn Hunter were glaring at each other.
“That’s the point of this whole charade!” Friend Obi-Wan threw his hands up. “They agree to resort to diplomacy to sort out their differences instead of turning to a war, I surrender—with the stipulation that the droids and clones can’t be forced into an army for either side, that’ll—“
“Obvious, that is. Take you seriously they may not,” Strange Organic added. “Trick them, we must until collaborate together they do.”
“We’d need—“ Friend Obi-Wan started.
“Consequences,” Sensible Soldier agreed. “You already destroyed the Geonosis factories, we can claim that was your first strike, that taking Melida/Daan was your second.”
“That wasn’t what I was suggest—“
A sharp giggle from Vicious Child had R2 turning his attention back to the naming list. ‘Hegemon of Conscientious Objectors’. He liked that.
Though not quite as much as he liked the ‘Sentient Alliance for Peace and Stability’, as an acronym HCO didn’t work quite as well as SAPS did, and R2 knew from experience that most organics preferred being able to shorten titles, that was why he preferred R2 over his full designation of R2-D2. Some things were just better short.
“Supreme Commander,” Sensible Soldier started, tone serious enough that R2’s processors alerted him to pay attention to the planning meeting again.
“Obi-Wan, please,” Friend Obi-Wan pleaded. “I dislike titles on a normal day.”
Sensible Soldier made a face that a quick calculation told R2 meant that there was less than a 2 percent chance of Sensible Soldier calling Friend Obi-Wan by his name. “Sir—“ Friend Obi-Wan sighed, but apparently decided that ‘sir’ was an acceptable alternative. R2 considered his own designation for Friend Obi-Wan, running a few alternatives: Sir Obi-Wan, Supreme Obi-Wan, Emperor Obi-Wan. That last one, R2 admitted, was quite nice. Friend Obi-Wan wouldn’t like it though, so R2 would stick to Friend Obi-Wan, for now at least. “This won’t be a short term thing. Especially if you still believe this to be a plot to create war. Whoever is behind this won’t just let diplomacy happen.”
“Prepared we must be,” Strange Organic agreed. “To expand.”
“I’m not waging war against the Galaxy,” Friend Obi-Wan snapped. He gave Strange Organic a dark look. “Stop playing Sith’s advocate, Master Yoda.”
Strange Organic let out a strange little chortle at that.
Stubborn Hunter snorted. “Not even if that expansion is against the slavers?”
“We don’t have the resources,” Friend Obi-Wan stressed, the syllables all pointed in a way that didn’t match Friend Obi-Wan’s normal speech patterns. “We’d need to actually convince more planets to join with us. We’d need to enact taxes. We’d need allies. We’d need—“
“How do we set that up?” Sensible Soldier asked as he pulled out a datapad, clearly posed to start taking notes.
“We can’t just set that up. We’d need to start with—“
R2 let out a worried whistle, shifting back and forth to brush against Vicious Child. Vicious Child looked up but thankfully seemed to see what R2 meant, because he went and filled a glass of water, bringing it to Friend Obi-Wan.
Friend Obi-Wan took the water—sniffing at it distractedly as though checking for poison as he continued to exasperatedly outline exactly how they’d need to set up the resources that they purportedly weren’t actually gathering. Sensible Soldier, it seemed, was taking copious notes. R2 thanked Vicious Child. Friend Obi-Wan had been getting strangely red in the face, even for an organic, and his diagnostics suggested that was not a good idea.
When in doubt, R2 had learned, if an organic was experiencing malfunctions they probably needed watering.
Vicious Child returned to his datapad and nudged at R2’s chrome, R2 turned back to see what he’d found now.
R2 let out a satisfied whistle. The Binary Alliance. It had apparently been suggested by a few B2’s. He liked that one. It had gotten upvotes from both droids and clones.
But it didn’t seem like a good fit for their alliance. Perhaps they could be the Binary Army for whatever name they came up with.
‘Neutral Alliance for Peace’, suggested another droid. Vicious Child had a mischievous smile on his face as he pinned his own comment to the vote with the suggestion that they be called ‘the Nappers’ since so far R2 and Obi-Wan had kidnapped everyone involved.
Almost immediately, NAP jumped by nearly a dozen votes. Apparently, the rest of their army thought that was as funny as Vicious Child did.
There was a whole assortment of votes below that used Friend Obi-Wan’s name. ‘The New Kenobi Empire’ did sound quite fantastic, but R2 thought that Friend Obi-Wan might have an aneurysm if that was the top vote; R2 quite liked Friend Obi-Wan, an aneurysm would not be good for Friend Obi-Wan’s health. Organics were quite delicate, they couldn’t just turn themselves off and on again to get rid of that sort of damage.
“Do you have a better idea?” Stubborn Hunter challenged, and R2 regretted that he’d missed whichever idea Friend Obi-Wan had just shut down.
“I have at least a dozen ideas that are better than that,” Friend Obi-Wan retorted.
“Shared them you have not,” Strange Organic pointed out.
Friend Obi-Wan rested an elbow on the table, burying his face in his hand. “Because the whole lot of you keep interrupting me with plans to take over the galaxy. So if you would give me the opportunity to talk maybe I could get somewhere.”
R2 let out an encouraging whistle. Though he didn’t think it necessary to specify who he was encouraging, the galaxy-take-over team or Friend Obi-Wan. Both could use encouragement, clearly.
“We’ll ‘open’ our alliance to allow planets to join,” Friend Obi-Wan started. “It makes us look like a serious faction. We will not be threatening to take over anyone who rejects us.” He paused at that, giving everyone else at the table a rather severe look. R2 was impressed, he made a very good Supreme Commander. “We’ll claim the army is for our own protection and for the removal of slavery. But if you remember, the Separatist movement was in the works for almost a decade before it really picked up momentum, we won’t have to worry about any planets actually joining.”
Friend Obi-Wan was an incredibly intelligent organic, or so R2’s analysis of the organics he’d met told him, but R2 thought that perhaps he needed more sleep. He had been told it was an important element to organics having clear thoughts.
Of course planets would want to join their burgeoning Empire—it wasn't like they knew it was supposed to be fake. It was going to be glorious.
He turned back to Vicious Child’s datapad, scanning the new selections. ‘The United Factions for Freedom’. R2 quite liked that. Though UFF was perhaps not the impression they wanted to lead.
The one beneath it caught his processor’s attention. ‘Sentient Alliance for Faking an Empire’ someone had put as a suggestion, asserting that it could be the SAFE Alliance. That was somewhat redundant, R2 thought. But also, it had quite the ring to it.
They were onto something, R2 thought. His processors mulled over the suggestion.
Obviously they couldn’t name themselves the Sentient Alliance for Faking an Empire. That would tell everyone their plans. But he liked ‘ the SAFE Alliance’, it sent the right message, one that Friend Obi-Wan couldn’t disapprove of. Together they would make the galaxy safe.
R2 ran the name through his processors a few times, sharing the suggestion with Firespray, the two of them passing the information through their mutual processor a few times before the perfect answer came to him. The Sentient Alliance for Freedom and Equality.
It was perfect, even if R2 did say so himself.
He beeped at Vicious Child until he put in his new suggestion. They might all know what the real name was, but the galaxy would be quite impressed with the more appropriate version of their name.
There was the steady beep of a comm, and R2 turned his attention back to the planning table as Stubborn Hunter pulled out his holo comm, placing it on the table.
“I need to take this,” Stubborn Hunter said, and if R2’s analysis of his tone was correct, it was quite smug.
Friend Obi-Wan, R2 noticed, looked vaguely wary.
The blue image of a man in armor appeared. “Fett.”
“Gilmar.”
Next to him, Vicious Child started giggling. “Oooh, it worked.”
That sounded promising. And also like Friend Obi-Wan might need another glass of water.
“The Kaminoans have… seen sense.”
Friend Obi-Wan let out a quiet curse, one that definitely needed to be added to his favorite-words-to-use-when-dealing-with-fools file. “What did you do, Fett?”
Stubborn Hunter waved his hand at him, clearly telling him to hush.
Rude, Friend Obi-Wan was Supreme Commander, he deserved more respect.
“They’ll keep quiet and keep out of it.” The blue image was a little hazy for his processors, but R2 thought the look on this organic’s face might have been classified as vicious. “Skirata reached out to his clan, and I got in touch with some of my contacts. The Traditionalists are hesitant about joining you and this…” he paused, clearly unsure. “This movement.”
R2 looked at the tallies on Vicious Child’s datapad, pleased to see that his suggestion had taken top position. He let out a loud whistle, catching the attention of Sensible Soldier and Friend Obi-Wan. He beeped the name at them.
“The Sentient Alliance for Freedom and Equality?” Sensible Soldier repeated. “The SAFE Alliance?”
The organic in the holo nodded, accepting it easily, missing the question in Sensible Soldier’s voice. “They’re hesitant about joining the SAFE Alliance. But, if you’re willing to step up again as Mand’alor, they’ll answer your call.”
Stubborn Hunter’s face twisted into a satisfied looking smile.
Friend Obi-Wan groaned. “Don’t you dare.”
“Mandalore has long needed a purpose,” Stubborn Hunter declared. “Freedom, Equality, and—“ here he sent a strange smile at Friend Obi-Wan, and was that supposed to be… oh no. He let out a despairing whistle. He thought he’d escaped the stupid human faces when he’d left Little Ani and Mistress Padme. If Stubborn Hunter started sending those to Friend Obi-Wan R2 might need to pull out his electro-prod. “—the possibility of taking over the galaxy, sounds like just the sort of purpose Mandalore can get behind.”
The man in the holo laughed. “It’s been a while since Mandalore was an Empire.”
“It’s a ploy,” Friend Obi-Wan repeated. “We’re not taking over the galaxy.”
Strange Organic cackled. Sensible Soldier gave Friend Obi-Wan something that looked like an amused smile.
“Even a fake empire is more adventure than most Mando’ade have had in a while,” the holo man said easily, not bothered. “We don’t actually need to take over the galaxy, not so long as it gives the traditionalists something to rally behind.”
Stubborn Hunter sent another one of those stupid human faces at Friend Obi-Wan. “Turns out you don’t actually need to go to Mandalore to help me take it over.”
“I don’t even need to turn myself into the Republic after this is all over,” Friend Obi-Wan muttered. “Duchess Kryze is going to give up her vow of pacifism just to kill me.”
“Don’t worry, sir. I’ll add her to the watch list,” Sensible Soldier assured him. “There’ll be no assassinations on my watch.”
Friend Obi-Wan’s smile was somewhat wry. “That makes me feel much better about my chances, thank you General Cody.”
Sensible Soldier straightened even more than R2 had thought it was possible for human organics to make their back go.
Stubborn Hunter gave a vicious sort of smile to the holo. “Thanks, Gilamar. Send out any necessary messages, I’ll give the call the same time Kenobi sends out his Manifesto for the SAFE Alliance.”
The holo nodded. “Welcome back, ‘alor. You’ve been missed.”
R2 whistled in confusion at that. “He wasn’t Mand’alor,” Vicious Child whispered, and his eyes were bright with childlike glee. “He said he couldn’t be anymore. So there wasn’t a Mand’alor, just a Duchess. But now he’s going to be Mand’alor again!”
That seemed a little too easy to R2, but he didn’t know much about Mandalorians, so maybe that made sense to them.
But then, Friend Obi-Wan did seem to bring out the best solution to a situation. Apparently, he also brought out the best in Stubborn Hunter.
Though it posed a problem. If Stubborn Hunter was now Mand’alor, did R2 need to give him a new designation?
No, R2 decided. Not yet, Stubborn Hunter still needed to earn a new designation.
“Well, that should add at least a few resources to our plan,” Stubborn Hunter said as he tucked his comm away. “You’re welcome.”
“I didn’t say thank you,” Friend Obi-Wan huffed.
The room went silent, everyone giving Friend Obi-Wan an expectant look. Strange Organic poked him with his stick. “Forget your manners you should not.”
Friend Obi-Wan sighed. “Thank you, Fett.”
This, R2 thought, was an excellent start to their SAFE Alliance.