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I woke up, startled. My eyes wide and heart beating fast, I looked around only to realize that I was in our shared futon and there was nothing in sight to be scared of. It must have been a dream. I couldn’t remember what had happened in it, but the uneasy, anxious feeling lingered in my mind and chest. I swallowed and laid my head back on the pillow.
Luckily, the sun had already risen and was shining behind the closed curtains, bringing some light to our room, making me feel safer. Waking up like this sucked. That wasn’t enough, apparently, because after only a short moment of being awake, I realized the aching in my stomach. I was starving. Like any other day, this one started with that feeling of painful hunger. On top of that, I was now feeling twice as bad as I usually would at this time thanks to that nightmare.
I turned my head to the side to see the clock. It was a quarter past seven. Early- not the earliest I’d left bed, but still early. However, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep any more and I would start to feel really anxious every morning if I tried to linger in the futon for a little longer. I felt so lazy if I just laid there. Besides, I had to check my weight, and it would be stupid to return to bed after that.
Quietly and carefully I crawled away from the futon. I stood up and picked up my clothes, which I had left ready for the morning last night, before I tiptoed silently out of the room. I was so used to sneaking in and out, I was quiet enough that my brothers never woke up. Of course, when you sleep with five other people in the same room, not to mention in the same bed, you don’t get bothered by small noises so easily.
I made my way to the bathroom, where I undressed myself and stepped on the scale. I stared at the changing numbers with a blank face.
47 kg.
I bit my lip hard and turned to see myself in the mirror. My stony look turned into a disgusted, loathing expression. I hated myself so much. If it was even possible, I felt like that hatred only grew every passing day. I sucked my stomach in, grimaced, and let out a small and desperate sound. I pinched my side harshly, pressing my nails into my fat.
A little later, after getting dressed and using the toilet, I was in the living room and I turned on the tv. I slumped down on the couch, yawning tiredly. My stomach was rumbling with hunger. It hurt, but I bit my lip and started to watch the tv.
When a moment had passed and my stupid stomach just hadn’t left me in peace, I stood up and went to the kitchen. I poured myself a tall glass of water and drank it in one go. I filled the glass up again, took a few sips, and returned to the living room with it. I could stall my eating, keeping my stomach full with water, but it didn’t help the uncomfortable, weak feeling that had been following me for a much longer while. My body was trying to trick me into eating, but I knew better than that. I was in control of myself.
It was all so complicated. I enjoyed the feeling of emptiness inside of me. It made me feel clean and a little more worthy. But at the same time, the hunger hurt. It hurt like hell. I liked that feeling, but it still hurt me. Being hungry all the time made me irritable. It also made me think about food all the time, which only made me feel worse.
I was hungry when I went to bed and hungry when I woke up. It sucked, but it was necessary. I couldn’t live if I was like this. I had to change myself and make myself thinner. This was the right way to do it. The only way.
I took another few sips of my water and took out my phone. I checked the time, counting how many minutes I had until I could eat at the earliest, but when I saw the date, I frowned.
May 24th. It was our birthday.
I had always loved our birthdays. We never really got anything special, after all there were six of us and thus our parents couldn’t waste too much money on each of us separately, but it was still special attention, presents, and good food. Now, however, the thought of this day made me feel uneasy. Right now I wanted to avoid attention. I was so embarrassed of my body that I just wanted to stick to the sidelines and work on losing weight. Birthdays meant everything unhealthy and fattening. I wanted to stay clear of those.
Biting my lip, I lifted the glass up again and took a long drink in an attempt to get rid of the annoying nagging of my stomach.
It didn’t take long before mom came downstairs. On her way to the kitchen she glanced to the living room and saw me sitting on the couch, my eyes glued to my phone’s screen.
“Happy birthday, honey!” mom said happily as she walked next to me and leaned closer to give me a hug.
I gave her a sideways glance as she got closer to me, frowning a little and feeling uneasy. I didn’t want her to hug me. I didn’t want anyone close to me. Still, I couldn’t really turn down mom, so I returned her hug lightly with one arm and broke out of it after a couple of seconds. “Thanks,” I mumbled, my eyes back on my phone.
Mom raised an eyebrow. “Well, you don’t look too happy about it,” she said.
I shrugged, not looking at her. “Why would I be? I’m a year older and I still haven’t achieved anything in my life.”
“You know that you can do something to change that,” mom said. “You and your brothers could actually achieve many things if you just tried. With hard work, anything is possible, but nothing will happen if you just laze around at home. You six need to shape up a little.”
I let my head hang a little lower. I knew that. I knew it and I was trying my best. I bit my lip, angry at myself for being like this. God, I hated myself!
“I’ll try to get a grip on myself,” I muttered.
“You all should, but no need to be sullen about it today,” mom said kindly. “I’ll go cook some breakfast in an hour or so. Later, I’ll make some of your favourite foods. I was planning to cook tempura udon for lunch and buy sushi for dinner. I’ll also make a chocolate cake,” she said, smiling, and left the room.
I knew she was trying to get me excited, but to me it sounded more like a threat. Even the thought of all the food that I was expected to eat made me feel anxious.
I had to spend the day out.
I waited nearly an hour before I got up, placing my arm over my rumbling stomach. It was best to leave now before my brothers got up. It would be much harder to escape then.
I peeked into the kitchen where mom was preparing breakfast. “I’m going out. I’ll spend the day with my friends. We planned to hang out at the mall and go to an izakaya in the evening,” I lied smoothly.
She turned to look at me. “Is that so? Have fun with them,” she said and I was already leaving when she continued: “Todomatsu, did you eat anything?”
“I ate before you got up,” I waved off her question, put on my shoes, and left the house.
The morning weather was good- it was rather warm and the sun was shining pleasantly. The air was fresh and taking in a deep breath made me feel a little better. I had gotten out of the house. Sometimes I started to feel claustrophobic in there, when no one could mind their own business and everyone was always being pushy with food. I needed to be left alone.
I ran around for half an hour and then I reached one of my favourite parks. As I got there, I stopped to sit down for a moment and to stretch my legs. I checked my phone and saw a few new messages, but nothing too interesting. I didn’t even bother to read them properly. For a moment I wondered if my friends would remember my birthday. Honestly, I’d be surprised if they did.
Still, I kind of hoped that someone would show that they cared. I supposed I shouldn’t have my hopes up.
After some time I started walking around the park. I didn’t have a place to go or be. I just had to wait until the day was over. I didn’t even want to think about tomorrow and how miserable it would be as well.
After midday, I started to feel weak from the legs and a little dizzy. I was still walking around, but the hunger was killing me. I really, really had to eat something or I might have passed out.
I stopped to lean on a tree with my hand, heaving in heavy breaths. With my other hand I was gripping my stomach. It was roaring so angrily and it hurt like hell. I grit my teeth, feeling irritated that my body dared to make me feel like this. I’d show it- as well as everyone- that I had control over my eating. I was strong. I had a lot of willpower.
I should have eaten some breakfast.
I could have at least been clever enough to take something light to eat with me, but I avoided going to the kitchen since mom was already there. Then again, I did have money now that I barely used it at all.
After a little bit more of my internal battle, I left the park, going to a nearby shopping mall. I needed something to eat. My body was literally shaking from the lack of energy. I hadn’t eaten and I had barely slept that night so it was really no wonder.
I made my way to the nearest cafe. I stood a few meters from the counter as I read the menu. Very quickly it dawned to me that I couldn’t really eat anything there. It was all too sugary or too fatty and I wanted something more than just a smoothie. It was quiet this early at the mall and the barista of the cafe was glancing at me every other second expectantly. Biting my lip, I avoided his look, turned around, and left.
I needed some real food, but it had to be something light. Maybe a salad?
Next I went to the food court. My stomach hurt, but I couldn’t just eat on an impulse. I had to choose my meal very carefully. Finally, after what felt like ages, I had a cup of tomato soup, a slice of bread, and a glass of water on my tray. I stared at it for a moment before I slowly and carefully started to eat.
It was alright to eat, I told myself over and over again as I ate spoonful after spoonful. The last time I had eaten was last night, so I should be able to eat in good conscience. Still, the nagging voice in the back of my mind told me how I didn’t deserve to eat, not when I was this fat, and how I was weak for not pushing through the hunger.
In spite of that, I finished the cup. I knew that these kind of soups didn’t have very many calories and I had even asked the cashier about it and she told me the estimated calories of one portion. I felt really full after eating so much. It made me feel uncomfortable, but I assured myself that it was mostly just water. On the bright side, it should keep my body happy for some time.
I downed my water and went to buy a cup of tea. It had basically no calories and it would fill my stomach even more. Besides, I could spend some more time just sitting there and playing with my phone while I drank it.
When around half an hour had passed since I had finished my tea, I felt like I really had to move already. I didn’t have the nerve to just sit around much longer. What would people think about me? It was only early afternoon and I had no idea of what to do. How was I supposed to get the rest of the day spent? I would have liked to be at home watching tv or something, but today I couldn’t do that. Special days were the worst enemy of a diet- Christmas and New Year’s had proved that much. I couldn’t afford any more setbacks. I wouldn’t take any more setbacks.
Slowly and reluctantly I got up, used the bathroom, and left the food court. I felt uncomfortable being surrounded by so much food and by the mixed smell of sweets and grease. I walked around the mall for some time before I found an empty bench in a corner. I sat down there, took out my phone and started spending my time with it idly. I kept on checking my different social media accounts constantly, while I tried, unsuccessfully, to focus on reading something or on watching videos.
When an hour or two had passed, I realized that my battery was about to die and I had to turn off my phone. I sighed and looked around. What should I do now? I still had hours to spend. It was all so troublesome but much better than staying at home.
I never thought I could hate my birthday so much.
I visited a convenience store quickly, wanting to buy something to read. I was already feeling rather hungry again but I restrained myself from buying any food. I didn’t deserve to eat yet. Like usual, I bought a health magazine. I knew a lot about all the subjects the issue was talking about, but reading some more couldn’t hurt. I made my way back to the bench and began reading, starting with the pages on weight management. They were the most interesting.
I read slowly, having breaks in between. During those I walked around the mall, stretching my legs and getting some exercise. The mall was six floors and the stairs were perfect for getting my muscles working. It took two hours until I had finally finished the magazine. I took a few pictures of some pages with my phone and then I threw the magazine away. I didn’t want to carry it around with me.
I stood for a moment next to the trash can, unsure of what to do next. I was feeling chilly thanks to the strong air conditioning and I decided it was probably nicer outside. I started making my way to the nearest doors when my phone rang.
Frowning, I took it from my pocket and saw that the call was coming from home. Sliding my finger across the screen, I answered it.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Oi, Todomatsu!” It was Osomatsu. Of course it was.
I narrowed my eyes. “Yeah. What do you want?”
“Where are you? You know, onii-chan gets lonely when you’re not here,” he whined.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOTTY!” Jyushimatsu shouted on the background, his voice clear and loud.
“It’s our birthday!” Osomatsu said emphatically. “You can’t spend it separate from us!”
“Um, yes I can and that’s what I’m doing,” I said.
“Oh, come on. Don’t be so cold,” Osomatsu said. “You’ve spent half of the day with your friends already, so now it’s our turn. We’re going to eat yakiniku soon.”
“I don’t need it,” I said. I didn’t want it. “I’m eating with my friends.” My voice was starting to sound irritated.
“Totty, come on. It’s-”
“No!” I said, firmer. “I don’t have time.”
Osomatsu sighed. “Totty, please. Couldn’t you return home a bit earlier?”
“No.”
“Argh, screw you!” he shouted. “How hard could it be, huh?! Do you want me to come there and- Hey!!”
“Shut up, Osomatsu!” Choromatsu retorted. “Totty, you there?” I made an agreeing, yet annoyed hum. “Sorry about Osomatsu,” I could hear his irritated voice from the background, “but won’t you come home? We’ll have yakiniku and cake soon.”
If anything, that only convinced me not to go home. “Sorry, I’m busy.”
A second passed in silence. Then he spoke up again. “Have you eaten?”
A simple question like that flared me up. Why did they have to keep questioning me about it?! Couldn’t they just leave me alone?! “Yes. I’ve eaten,” I said sharply through clenched teeth.
“Good,” Choromatsu said. “I’ll try to see that you get leftovers, but I can’t promise anything.”
“I don’t need anything. I’ll eat with my friends,” I repeated.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
My eyes widened slightly, caught off guard. However, I recovered in a second, and I was sure he hadn’t realized anything. “I don’t know. My friends decided on a place so it’s a surprise,” I lied easily.
“Oh, sounds nice. Do you- Hey! Give it back!”
I heard rattle and then Osomatsu was back on the other side. “Totty, if you know what’s best for you, you’ll return home. Now,” he said.
“Do you have to be so fucking irritating?” I asked, finding it hard to keep my voice down.
“Do you have to be so fucking selfish?!” In a calmer voice he continued. “We just want to-”
“My battery is almost dead and I’m not going to waste the rest on you. Bye,” I said and lowered the phone from my ear. From the other end I could still hear Osomatsu shouting, daring me to hang up on him, when I ended the call, cutting him off.
My breathing had gotten a bit heavier from the irritation. I glared at the phone, put it on silent mode, and pocketed it.
I had arrived outside. The warmth that the sun was providing felt good against my cool skin. I was briefly wondering if I should actually ask my friends to spend the evening with me. Then I would have something to do and I wouldn’t have to lie so much to my family. I scratched the thought quickly. The idea of hanging out with anyone made me feel uncomfortable and anxious.
I made my way to a nearby park, starting to walk around it aimlessly. I enjoyed the fresh air and the warm sunshine, even if the noise of the traffic didn’t make the atmosphere very peaceful. However, I was pretty good at tuning everything out. I sank deep into my thoughts again, planning possible answers to my brothers questions when I returned home as well as counting the calories that I had eaten today again.
I frowned uneasily. I wished there was some place where I could weigh myself. Not weighing myself after the morning was starting to make me feel anxious.
Some time had passed and I had walked around the park many times already. It was lonely. That’s how I felt, but I’d feel even worse if I was with people. I could survive with a little loneliness.
I sat down on a bench next to a small fountain. I didn’t know how long I stayed there just staring at the water and glancing at people passing by, uninterested. I felt so empty.
I was worthless.
When I looked up from the water, I realized that the sun was starting to set. I got up, my stomach rumbling angrily, and started walking away. I supposed it was time to eat.
I walked around the streets, contemplating what I could eat. I was really hungry, but I couldn’t slip. Then again, it was my birthday and I had money, so why not actually go somewhere nice? I didn’t have to eat a lot. Besides, I could tell the others where I was without lying to them if I did that.
After a while I stepped inside a nice shabu-shabu restaurant. I was led to a table and I gave my order to a waiter after a while. I decided to take the all-you-can-eat course. It was expensive, but I didn’t care. This way I didn’t have to feel bad about the leftovers at least. I stayed in the restaurant for a long time but I ate only a few slices of meat and then only vegetables. It was a horrible waste of money but I didn’t care. It tasted good. Of course, I had to stop eating as soon as I wasn’t feeling hunger anymore. I didn’t want to get full. I hated the heavy feeling of a full stomach.
I sat in my seat, leaning my head on my palm. I hated this day.
Was this really how I was spending my birthday? Alone at a rather fine restaurant, paying for food that I barely ate? This must have been the shittiest birthday I’d ever had.
I hated this.
I hated my whole life.
I fisted my hands, pressing my nails into my palms so hard that it hurt. I had to bite my lower lip to stop it from wobbling. Despite my efforts, I couldn’t stop a few silent tears rolling down my cheeks. I wiped them hastily away, blinking my eyes and hoping that no one had seen. Suddenly I realized how much faster my breathing had gotten. It felt like the room was shrinking. A suffocating feeling washed over me. I wanted to get out!
Quickly paying for my food, I left the restaurant. When I got outside, I realized that it was already getting dark. I stared at my feet. They were hurting a bit from all the walking I had done today. I bit my lip. Maybe I could start slowly making my way back home?
My path home wasn’t straight. I wasn’t ready to return just yet. At some point I found myself in a park again. In one corner there was a small shrine, where I went for some reason.
The shrine was small and not very well kept. It needed a new coat of paint. Still, I walked right in front of it and stopped, staring at the closed shrine doors in front of me. I never visited shrines, except sometimes during New Years.
I was tense and my hands were balled into fists. My mind was filled with dark and desperate thoughts and somehow I wanted to put them into words and pray and plead for strength and success. However, I didn’t dare bother anyone, even gods or spirits, with my stupid problems. Weight shouldn’t be a huge problem like this, but I had done it to myself. I had to carry this alone. No one should know.
I covered my face behind my palms and sighed deeply. I could feel my eyes watering again. What was it today, making me this emotional? Why was I this weak? I bit my lip to keep the tears at bay.
If only I were skinnier. I’d give anything for that.
Or if it could hurt even a little less than it did now.
I turned my back to the shrine and started walking again. I wanted to go home.
In a moment I was walking across a bridge- the one where Karamatsu liked to look for his imaginary Karamatsu girls. I slowed my steps and peeked over the railing into the dark water mirroring the lights of the city.
What if I jumped and never surfaced again?
---
I had lost track of time when I finally returned home. I opened and closed the door quietly, noticing how some of the lights were already turned off, meaning that mom and dad were probably already sleeping. It wasn’t quiet though, as I could hear my brothers from the living room.
I took off my shoes and tried to sneak past the living room and upstairs, hoping not to be seen by the others. I was getting hungry again, which irritated me greatly, but I was not going to eat anything more today. There had to be some limits. I just wanted to go to sleep.
Of course I wasn’t that lucky. The second I had moved past the doorway to the living room, I could hear Osomatsu raising his voice to yell after me.
“Hey! Totty, where do you think you’re going? Come here, now!” he ordered.
I stopped and closed my eyes in frustration, using a few colorful choice words in my mind. Since I had been spotted, there was no way they would leave me alone. I could hear Osomatsu calling my name. Unwillingly, I turned around on my heels, opened my eyes, and made my way to the doorway.
“What?” I asked simply, annoyance clear in my voice.
Osomatsu, who was sitting on the couch, had straightened his posture as he looked me firmly in the eyes, not hiding his irritation. “You’ve been out for the entire day. The fuck is that supposed to be about?! It’s our birthday and you skipped it!” His voice kept getting louder.
“I didn’t skip it,” I said. A lie. “I just chose to spend it differently.”
“Where have you been?!” he demanded.
“I told you, I was with my friends,” I said, my voice even. I had to control myself.
“Do you know how shitty it was that you spent the entire day out?” Osomatsu went on. I decided it wasn’t worth it to answer.
“It really would have been nice if you had returned earlier,” Karamatsu said, offering me a small, nervous smile.
Jyushimatsu was moving his gaze from me to Osomatsu to the rest, clearly not liking the tense atmosphere. Then he looked at me, his smile widening, and he leaped to me. “Happy birthday, Totty!!” he shouted, opening his arms for a hug.
Quickly I lifted my hands up, eyes widening, ready to push him back if he tried to hug me. Luckily he stopped and lowered his arms, his smile faltering a bit. From the corner of my eye I could see how everyone was staring at us.
I lowered my hands too and forced a tiny smile for Jyushimatsu. “Happy birthday.” Jyushimatsu’s smile widened a tiny bit but a part of it was missing.
“Happy birthday, brother!” Karamatsu said. I only glanced at him and then instinctively to the hallway over my shoulder. I wanted to go to the upstairs and to the bed.
“Totty,” Osomatsu said, making me turn my head towards him. “Don’t even think of leaving,” he said, eyes narrowed.
“Where did you eat?” Choromatsu asked.
I turned to look at him and our eyes met. I didn’t like how nosy he was. “It was a pretty nice izakaya,” I said, taking out the receipt and offering it towards my brothers and Jyushimatsu took it.
“Eehh! All-you-can-eat course! So nice!” he said.
“See? I don’t think I missed anything when I wasn’t here,” I said. My voice was calm and expression close to neutral.
Osomatsu huffed, annoyed. “We had good food too. You should have been here to eat that and then gone out with your friends tomorrow.”
I was staring at Osomatsu almost blankly. I had no interest to listen to him. That seemed to get my brothers attention. “Todomatsu, are you okay?” Ichimatsu asked.
I blinked my eyes and looked at him. “Yeah, I’m just tired. It was a long day,” I said, forcing myself to smile. “I should go to sleep.”
“Out of the question!” Osomatsu said, crossing his arms.
“We ate all of the meat but there’s still a lot of cake,” Jyushimatsu said.
“I’ll go get you a piece,” Karamatsu said and stood up.
“No, don’t,” I said maybe a little too hastily. “I’m not hungry.”
“You don’t eat cake because you’re hungry,” Osomatsu said. “You eat it because it’s good.”
My opinion was very different. “No. I’m serious.”
“You have to at least try it,” Choromatsu said. “It’s delicious, mom made it.”
“I said, I don’t want any,” I said, starting to sound annoyed. Why were they doing this to me?! Why couldn’t they just let me be?!
“And we say you have to taste it,” Osomatsu said and nodded to Karamatsu, who nodded back and left the room, passing me by.
I narrowed my eyes at Osomatsu. He looked at me quietly for a moment. “I wish you had spent even some of today with us,” he said then, quieter than before.
His tone made me feel kind of guilty even if in my mind I was assuring myself that it had been for the best. “We’re adults. We don’t have to spend every birthday together when we hang around each other every day,” I said.
“Yeah, but you haven’t really been spending time with us lately,” Osomatsu said. “I was hoping maybe today you might.”
I bit my cheek. “I’m busy with my stuff. I have a life.”
Osomatsu clenched his teeth. “Why do you have to be such a brat?” He was about to continue, but I was faster.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” I said and left the room. Osomatsu was a pain in the ass but I kind of knew that they would have wanted me to be present and part of their day. However, I couldn’t let myself feel bad or guilty. I had to get rid of that weakness.
I got into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. Hurriedly, I stripped down and stepped on the scale that had been waiting for me in the corner. Only now I realized just how anxious I had been to weigh myself.
Still 47 kg.
It was too much.
I dropped down to the floor and started doing sit-ups.
After I had calmed my inner voice by working out, I got dressed again, flushed the toilet I hadn’t used, and stepped out of the bathroom. Jyushimatsu was waiting for me. His smile brightened when he saw me.
“Totty! Come here, Totty!” he said and went back to the living room.
I bit my lip and fisted my hands. It was just easiest to do what they wanted. I followed after Jyushimatsu.
There on the table was a piece of cake and a steaming cup of tea.
Everybody was staring at me expectantly. I stared at the piece of cake. I could feel my heartbeat get a little faster. Time seemed to slow as I walked forward and sat down. I was biting my cheek. No one would be able to see, but I could already taste my blood.
“Only a small taste,” I said, staring at the creamy, sugary treat in front of me. I had to give it a taste to get them off my back. One spoonful and then they would be happy. I picked up the spoon and hesitantly took a piece of cake with it. I took a deep breath, swallowing, before I put it inside my mouth.
I hated the taste. It felt so wrong to eat it. I wanted to spit it out and rinse my mouth.
“It’s good,” I lied and placed my spoon on the table. I was careful to keep a tiny smile on my face even if I wanted to grimace in disgust. “But seriously, I’m so full.” The growing hunger felt like it was stabbing my insides, blaming me for lying. I tried to focus only on thinking about the success it meant.
Osomatsu shrugged. “Your loss.”
I stood up. “I’m really tired, so I think I’ll go to bed,” I said and was just about to turn to leave when of course my hopes were snatched away.
“Stop right there!” Osomatsu said. “You won’t get to go to bed before you’ve watched at least one movie with us.” The others nodded in agreement.
I frowned. “Please,” I said. I was honestly feeling exhausted and I didn’t want to start arguing now.
“I’m afraid you have to do even this much,” Karamatsu said.
I groaned, picked up my cup of tea and slumped between Osomatsu and Choromatsu on the couch tiredly.
My brothers smiled with satisfaction and they got the movie ready, then started it.
I stared at the screen blankly, my brain too tired to register what was happening. My eyelids were drooping and I had to force myself to keep my eyes open. I just wanted to sleep. The hunger was hurting again and I hugged my displeased stomach with my other hand.
I drank the rest of my tea and gave the empty cup to Karamatsu, who put it on the table. Then I leaned back and tried to find a comfortable position. My muscles were hurting from the workout I put them through and my feet were aching from all the walking. I was hungry, exhausted, hurting, and feeling plain miserable.
I just wanted to sleep.
---
I was startled awake by a loud noise from the tv. I opened my eyes disoriented for a moment before I realized we were still watching the stupid movie. I realized that I had been half asleep on Choromatsu’s lap. He was looking at me a little surprised that I had woken up so suddenly.
I straightened myself and looked away uncomfortable. “Sorry,” I mumbled.
“No, it’s fine,” Choromatsu answered, offering me a reassuring smile.
Karamatsu looked at me, frowning. “Totty, maybe you should go to bed,” he said.
That was what I had been telling them the whole time! I nodded, still fighting to keep my eyes open. “Thank you,” I mumbled quietly and got up, leaving the room.
“See? He’s escaping again!” I heard Osomatsu say behind me. “He can’t keep avoiding us like that. It bugs me so much!”
I let my head hang even lower. It felt bad that Osomatsu clearly disliked me. He couldn’t understand that I had to do this. I didn’t have a choice but to focus on losing weight. It was the most important thing.
I made my way into the bathroom to weigh myself again.