Chapter Text
The Setting: The My Chemical Romance tour bus, somewhere in the middle of the US of A on the 1012th consecutive day of touring to promote the Black Parade album.
So what is that, Kansas?
Kansas it is, then.
We find them all huddled in the middle of the bus. Ray and Bob are playing a video game. Mikey is straightening his hair. Frank is reading a Hustler magazine. The usual.
In walks Gerard and stands in the middle of them.
Gerard (clears his throat): Excuse me, guys.
No one even looks up.
Gerard: Guys, I have an announcement to make.
Still, no one looks up.
Gerard (stomps his foot): Guys, this is really important!
Not even a twitch.
Gerard (whines): Bob!
Bob: Guys, pay attention to Gerard.
Everyone immediately stops what they’re doing and looks at Gerard.
Gerard: Thanks, Bob. (Pauses) Ahem. Anyway . . . Maybe some of you guys have noticed that I’ve been a little bit moody lately? Prone to some crying jags, some angry outbursts . . .
Frank rubs the spot on his arm where Gerard bit him only two days ago for calling him an old man.
Frank (mutters): Violent fits . . .
Gerard: But I finally know what’s been causing everything and I wanted to share the news with my four best friends in the world.
Everyone stares at him blankly.
Gerard (beaming): Guys, I’m pregnant.
Everyone stares at him for a moment before going back to what they were doing before.
Gerard: Guys!
Silence. Except for the beeps of the video game.
Gerard: Bob!
Bob: Guys, pay attention to Gerard again.
Everyone drops what they were doing and turns back to Gerard.
Frank (sighs): Ok, who wants to start? Should I?
Everyone looks at Frank expectantly.
Frank: Ok. Gerard, you’re essentially a dude. Sometimes a little girly, but essentially a dude. And dudes don’t get pregnant. It’s not possible.
Gerard whips out three different pregnancy tests.
Gerard: Oh yeah? Tell that to EPT. Tell that to First Response. Tell that to ClearBlue Easy. Tell that to the Planned Parenthood Clinic. All positive!
Frank: You went to Planned Parenthood? How are you not locked up in some science lab right now?
Gerard (blushes): I put on a dress and eyeliner and they fell for it.
Frank (is quiet for a minute): Yeah, I got nothing. Who’s next?
Mikey: I’ll take it. Ok, Gerard. I guess the next question here is - who’s the father?
Gerard sits down on an empty seat.
Gerard: Well, at first I thought it was Frank cause, you know, we do it all the time.
Everyone stares at Frank, who’s looking down at the ground like he wants it to open up and swallow him alive.
Frank: It’s called discretion, Gerard.
Gerard: But then I figured it was Mikey, cause him and I do it a lot too. Just not as much as me and Frank.
Everyone stares at Mikey.
Frank: Ew . . .
Mikey: What? My brother’s a ho and he’s giving out free samples. You don’t think I’m gonna get a little bit of that free milk?
Bob: Dude, I don’t even know what that means, but . . . that’s just gotta be wrong.
Gerard continues as if no one else is talking.
Gerard: Then I thought it might be Bob. We don’t do it all that often, but when we do . . . he rocks my world.
Everyone stares at Bob.
Bob: Right back at ya, Gee.
Gerard: Then there’s Ray. (Gets a dreamy look on his face) Who can forget all those nights at the rest stops, making love in the bushes next to all the other gay couples?
Ray: Gerard, do the words, ‘take it to the grave’ mean anything to you?
Gerard: You’re kidding, right?
Mikey: So what you’re basically saying is that you’re the band slut and any one of us could be the father?
Gerard (frowns): When you put it that way, it sounds so . . . gauche.
Mikey: Mom would be so disappointed.
Frank: Ok, people. I think the most important question we need to ask is: Gerard, when are you going to . . . you know . . . get rid of it?
Gerard stands up, a protective hand over his stomach, looking shocked.
Gerard: What? Are you insane? I have a life growing inside of me! A human life that I will nurture and love and support! Besides . . . I can mine this for song ideas! Imagine the possibilities. Almost endless, really.
At that, everyone turns toward Bob.
Mikey: Bob . . .
Bob: Yeah, ok. Um . . . Gerard. Reality check time. Last time I was down there, I didn’t notice a vagina.
Frank starts to giggle insanely.
Bob: So you see the problem.
Frank (still giggling): He said vagina.
Bob: Frank, don’t make me come over there.
Frank quiets down.
Gerard: Dude, C-section. Duh!
Bob looks at Frank.
Frank: Yeah, I got nothing.
Gerard: Anyway. I just wanted to share this wonderful news with you, because, you know, I love you guys. And this way it gives you time to plan me a really good baby shower. And I wanted to see if any one of you was willing to make an honest man out of me.
Bob, Mikey, Ray and Frank: Huh?
Gerard: Marry me, idiots. I won’t have this baby be illegitimate. Plus I already have the ring. On the right finger even.
Frank: Dude, no can do. I’m engaged. To a female.
Gerard (crosses his arms): But you’ll have sex with me?
Frank (shrugs): Dude, you’re easy and I’m always horny.
Mikey: Well, you know I can’t do it. One - I’m already married. Two - you’re my brother. And three - well, I’ll have to think about three. But it’ll be a damned good reason.
Gerard: Bob?
Bob: No can do, G-Man. You can’t tie someone like me down. I’m too bad-ass.
Gerard turns toward Ray, a sad yet hopeful look on his face.
Gerard: Ray?
Ray stands up.
Ray: Yeah, I’ll do it.
Gerard throws himself on Ray, wrapping his arms around him.
Gerard: Oh thank you!
Ray: Well, I figure I oughtta do right by you. You know . . . the one in a thousand chance that this is my child.
Gerard pulls away, looking slightly hurt.
Ray (rolls his eyes): And you know . . . I love you and all that shit.
Gerard jumps back in his arms, gives him a big kiss.
Frank: Ugh. This is too sick for words. Can I go back to my Hustler now?
Gerard: You guys can go back to whatever you were doing.
Bob: Ray? We gonna finish the game?
Ray (wraps his arm around Gerard’s waist): Nah, I think my fiancé and I are gonna have some alone time.
Gerard: Oh, Ray.
Ray (yelling toward the front of the bus): Hey, dude! Find us a rest stop somewhere! And make it a nice one! My woman . . . I mean my man . . . I mean . . . Gerard and I have some celebrating to do!