Work Text:
[Water God has added Fire God to 'The Realm of Gods']
Love God: !
Love God: !!!
Love God: Welcome! Tomioka-san, I didn't know we were going to have a newcomer today!
Love God: To think that there would be a new god in the upper heavens... this is very auspicious indeed!
Water God: I wasn't aware either.
Love God: ?
Water God: Until I finished my meeting with Oyakata-sama.
Water God: Apparently, Flames' younger brother was the one who helped me out with my tribulation the other day. He evaporated the water before it could flood the lower land areas.
Love God: Is that so? (ㆁᴗㆁ✿) In that case, I'm sure Rengoku-san's younger brother is well-deserving of his promotion!
Water God: @ Fire God Go on ahead and introduce yourself
Love God: ...
Water God: ...
Insect God: ...
Love God: It seems we have caught him at a bad time. Perhaps he is preparing for the celebration banquet with his older brother?
Insect God: That aside, I find myself deeply intrigued, Tomioka-san. (*^-^)
Insect God: Why, I wonder, did Oyakata-sama choose you to do the honours when I am his secretary?
Love God: Hawawa, Shinobu-chan! ヾ(ﾟдﾟ)ﾉﾞ
Water God: ...
Insect God: (*^-^)
Insect God: So?
Water God: ...
Water God: ...Quit it with the jealousy. Green is an ugly colour on you.
Insect God: (╬^-^)
Love God: oh no. oh no oh nonono
Insect God: Tomioka-san
Insect God: You say that, but aren't you simply envious of the fact that green suits Shinazugawa-san's altar better than yours?
Love God: o(*´д`*)o
Water God: Again with this pettiness...
Love God: (⊃д⊂)
Insect God: (╬╬^-^)
Snake God: Kanroji, let's go for a walk. I heard there is a cat cafe near your area lately.
Love God: Ah, but!!!
Water God: ...This is ridiculous.
Water God: I'm headed back to work.
Insect God: It seems we are of the same mind.
Love God: *boop* Iguro-san, is the offer still up?
Snake God: Hm. Latte or cappuccino?
Love God: It seems like Iguro-san was faster than me?! Wait a sec. I'll be there in a moment! ε＝ε＝ε＝ᕕ༼✿•̀︿•́༽ᕗ
-
Sound God: Heya, a little birdie told me there's a new god ascending amongst us?
Snake God: Uzui.
Sound God: Hey there, Iguro. Hope your snakes aren't doing too bad from the fires over at the rainforest
Snake God: They're doing good. As for you... I'm surprised you actually got time to come online like this
Sound God: Heh my wives have been lending a hand with my work here and there. Radio waves have been pretty haphazard lately, ya know?
Insect God: Uzui-san.
Sound God: (Oh no, she's here)
Insect God: Uzui-san, I can totally read your messages.
Sound God: (Tell the Gods above to spare me!!!)
Insect God: Those documents are supposed to be confidential, Uzui-san.
Sound God: Hey now.
Sound God:
Sound God: There shouldn't be any secrets between husband and wives, right? (◐u◑;)
Insect God: ...
Sound God: Hey is this animal thing actually working?
Water God: I forgot to mention it. Kochou has a fear of all things with fur
Sound God: Oh, is that why the animals fall under Iguro's jurisdiction?
Sound God: Oh, Wait.
Sound God: I'm sorry, Kochou. We all have moments of fallibility, right? It's not like you don't get it. I have three wives, and a family to maintain, bills to pay too. Please don't steal my life away in lieu of paperwork again
Insect God: (*^-^)
Sound God: Oh, heheh. Are we good?
Insect God: (*^-^)
Sound God: That's a yes, right?
Insect God: (*^-^)
Sound God: ...I'm gonna take that as a yes, alright?
Insect God: (*^-^)
Snake God: Amen.
Sound God: I'm going to start running now.
Snake God: Go ahead. We'll see if sound can escape insects
Snake God: The Four Elementals might even lend a hand.
Flame God: Passing on your work is not saintly, Uzui! （OへO）
Sound God: ...Is this the Upper Heavens' Chatroom? This is Hinatsuru speaking. My husband had just informed me he will be departing on a self-exploration trip? I'm honestly a bit skeptical about it though.
Flame God: Abandoning your wives is even more ungodly!
Snake God: What kind of Sound god abandons his tool of trade to flee a mere insect?
Insect God: Iguro-san?
(Shit. He thinks. Again with that old phrasing squeezing a gap between them.)
Snake God: We're equals, Kochou.
Insect God: Good. Let's keep it that way, shall we? (*^-^)
(To stay in hiding means to deny all his instincts as the Sound God.
Uzui claps a palm over his mouth, staying low to the seat as the limo races in the direction of his safehouse.
For the purpose of his own safety, he has prepared a house of comfort where all entrances and exits are properly sealed; a housekeeper comes in to clean every speck of dust every day. Not a single one of Kochou's spies are allowed to slip in, even through the smallest of creaks.
He's just starting to get confident when he spots the approaching building in the distance. All that's left is to step out of his limo, make his way through somehow without catching a single one of Kochou's kids' eyes.
And yet... Just as his door is pulled opened and he thanks his chauffeur, he sees it.
There, barely a hair's width away from his fingertips, is a ladybug of the blackest colour he's ever seen.
Uzui's good-natured smile tumbles off his face.
"Oh, god damn it." Uzui scowls. Everyone who is an acquaintance of Kochou Shinobu knows better than to harm one of her children. And what a very smug brat it is at that, crawling over the bed of his nails knowing he can't touch it.
Uzui's face is black as he stares down at it.
"What bribe would you accept to not inform Kochou of my location?" He asks.
The ladybug seems to give the exact same smile Kochou gave in text.)
Mist God: Ah... They seem to be gone.
Snake God: Good riddance.
Water God: I don't see you gone just yet.
Snake God: Fuck off. 凸
Rock God: Namu Amida Butsu
Rock God: Putting that aside, it's been a long time since everyone has gathered. The entrance of a new god is an auspicious event indeed.
Snake God: Shinazugawa isn't here.
Rock God: *Cry* When is he ever?
Snake God: I shall take you pronouncing 'asterisks' into your voice notepad into account.
Mist God: Ah...
Snake God: What is it?
Mist God: What a pretty butterfly...
Snake God: ...Sometimes, I don't know if you are using metaphors or you really mean it.
Mist God: Insect God is holding Sound God in a Boston Crab Hold.
Love God: ?! Is it misty over in their area right now?
Love God: Rain is about to come soon, I see!
Snake God: *facepalm* Why you remember useless terms like 'boston crab' but not our names is beyond me.
Flame God: Ahaha! In any case, I find it truly flattering that so many of us have gathered to welcome Senjuurou at a time like this! Unfortunately, Senjuurou is still busy preparing for the God Inauguration Dance so he can't join us
Water God: Don't remind me.
Snake God: Seconded.
Love God: Eh? Why?? Iguro-san and Tomioka-san in their ceremonial drabs were so charming!!!
Water God: (ㆆ_ㆆ)
Snake God: (－_ლ)
Mist God: Sound God's promise to do all confidential paperwork himself... I have certainly heard it.
Flame God: -But there's a little problem here. Senjuurou said he has checked his phone but might have not received any invitation yet. Could it be, there is some problem occurring with this human gadget they call phone?
Snake God: Yes. Blame the phone in times of uncertainty.
Flame God: Your sarcasm is duly noted, Iguro! HaHaHa
Love God: (๑ŐдŐ) Could it be a problem due to Uzui-san being captured?
Snake God: His status has never influenced our radio waves.
Rock God: Namu Amida Butsu. That's because the Oyakata-sama has been kind enough to supply us with infinite amount of energy for correspondence in the mortal world.
Love God: Then... what could be the problem?
(Kanroji, who has been relaxing in her pink room, kicking fluffy rabbit-eared sandals on the ground sits up suddenly. Her eyes are wide as she dashes for a volume of manga from her huge shelf.
"Don't tell me? Can it be possible that this is a case of what they call wrong number? A young person contacts another by mistake and end up falling in love with him over time?!!!" Her mouth is practically in the famous manga heart-shape as she squeals, squeezing her favourite shoujo manga to her chest.)
Water God: ...
Mist God: ...
Snake God: What.
Water God: I... might have made a mistake in the process of adding him.
(Or more specifically, the Oyakata made a mistake in the note and cancelled out the 'Ember' and put in the 'Fire'. But Giyuu isn't about to say that when he's in a group chat with some of the Upper Heaven Lord's biggest, die hard fans.
He swallows, fingers hovering over the buttons.)
Water God: A different Fire God was added. Rengoku, your brother is 'Ember God', yes?
Flame God: Ember? Hm......
Snake God: Don't tell me this guy don't know his brother's account name.
Rock God: To be fair, he is a god of war and protection. His condition has severely deteriorated ever since the end of the last great war.
Flame God: Ahaha! I have hardly decayed any as you would think! Yes, his account name is indeed 'Ember', as opposed to 'Fire'!
Love God: T-Then...
Mist God: ...Who is the one who was added?
Love God: A-A human? (✽ ﾟдﾟ ✽)
(Kanroji is distressed. Iguro snaps his jaw shut, taut with tension.)
Snake God: Tomioka.
Snake God: You've screwed yourself over pretty badly this time round.
[Water God has added Ember God to 'The Realm of Gods']
Snake God: Don't think that'll let you off lightly.
Snake God: The human's memory will have to be wiped. You will take responsibility for it.
Fire God: U-Urm.
(All occupants present in the chat freeze simultaneously.
Has the human been looking at their chat all the while? Of course they have.)
Fire God: This is Fire God. Oh, and my name is Kamado Tanjirou, not 'Fire God'!
(He is a fool.
Two separate gods in two different locations think simultaneously.
Iguro places a curled finger to his lip in thoughtful scheming. That certainly lightens Tomioka's job of having to track down the human's location to erase his memory.
Meanwhile, Giyuu blinks slowly at the screen of his phone, dumbfounded. Is this boy asking to be attacked?)
Fire God: I apologize for having listened in on your chat since just now. I didn't mean it, since I fell asleep shortly after I clicked on the 'accept' button. The medicine had some strong effects, you see.
(Oh, this poor boy. Mitsuri leans in sympathetically, blinking wide eyes down at the flaming text box that belongs to this 'Tanjirou'. Is the poor human sick?)
Fire God: If you are truly gods, I would accept any and all decisions you make without complaints! Just please! Do not harm my family!
Fire God: Ah. But if you're not... Are all of you okay?
(What? Many gods and a goddess blink in unison in confusion.)
Fire God: Ah. It's no offense. It's just
Fire God: Starting since just now, all your chats have been completely out of this world. Is it possible, that you guys are playing a game that involves roleplaying of some sort? Could that be it?
("Aha... Ahahaha..." Mitsuri giggles nervously, sweatdropping to herself.
Should they go along with that story?)
Love God: Yes. Yes, that's definitely it! ( • ̀ω•́ )✧
Snake God: Kanroji. No need to defend Tomioka. Let the fool save himself.
Love God: What are you saying, Iguro-san? We're definitely role playing, aren't we?
(A blue eye twitch. He stills, bracing himself over the keyboard which he had been prepared to use to lodge another attack at that bastard Tomioka. In the dimly lit cave, the Snake God's bandaged face is ominously illuminated by blue light, which he locks gaze with as he moves to type:)
Snake God: Hn.
Snake God: What else did you think we were doing?
(Good job, Iguro-san! Mitsuri silently gives a thumbs-up at the screen.)
Fire God: You were? Hah... In that case, that's a huge relief!
Fire God: My roommate's been trying to look past my shoulder since a while ago, and he won't stop giving commentary on you guys!
(It's like a jolt of lightning struck over all of them. Their correspondence's been compromised by more than one?!)
Fire God: According to him, you guys might have had some serious case of chuunibyou made worst by folie à deux. I really didn't want to believe him.
(Chuunibyou? Folie à deux? They quickly pull up google on the human terms and immediately thank Love God for stepping in the way she had. They may be mad, but they are not that mad.)
Fire God: In any case, I will leave the group immediately since you guys turned out to be alright! Sorry for the intrusion, I'll pretend not to have seen anything!
Love God: Wait!
Fire God: ?
Love God: Let me give you a love divination!
Love God: Your soulmate is in this group!
(He feels the beginnings of a migraine again.)
Snake God: Kanroji?
(Hush. She has to keep Tomioka's soulmate here!)
Love God: B-Besides, it shouldn't hurt to keep a human around here, for our role play! Sometimes, gods need humans' input on their decisions to make good choices as well!
Water God: ...
Water God: I am skeptical about this.
(Her heart nearly leaps out of her chest.)
Love God: But what about the rest of you guys? Don't you agree?
Fire God: Uhm. K...Kanroji-san? You don't really have to do this
Mist God: Why not?
Love God: Eh? Σ(･o･;)
Mist God: If it will help the court, why not allow this human to join in and enrich our decisions?
(That's successfully one down! Mitsuri can't help but pat herself on the back.)
Rock God: Namu Amida Butsu
Rock God: The Oyakata-sama has always been especially fond of humans. He will take our interaction with the humans kindly, so long as we treat him right.
(And now that Himejima has spoken up, the rest are basically decided!)
Water God: ...
Snake God: You were the one who added him anyways.
Water God: ...
Water God: Okay.
(God bless everything under these skies that the Wind God is not here today!)
Love God: Then, in that case, from now on, you're a part of this group, okay? Tanjirou-kun.
Fire God: Uh-huh!
Love God: We're basically all role-playing different gods who have been sent down from the heavens to do our jobs! At the moment, we are all busy being undercover, masquerading as humans while carrying out our duties. You will be our aide, okay?
Snake God: ...Kanroji
Fire God: I understand!
Love God: Very good! In that case, go on ahead and rest well! We gods still have matters to busy ourselves with!
Fire God: Alright!
(The moment the Fire God finally blinks out of the chat's 'active' list, fingers fly across keyboards.)
Snake God: Kanroji, what were you thinking?
Love God: W-Well. I see no harm in letting him join us. Besides, he might just turn out to be an asset!
Mist God: ...I have been told that I'm very bad at playing human by humans.
Rock God: The humans have been paying more attention to me more often than naught. This is a good opportunity to learn how to mix in amongst them.
Snake God: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint. But with your height and disability, that's impossible.
(In another part of Japan, Tanjirou closes his chat with the softest cough muffled into a fist and smiles, eyeing falling snow outside the hospital's window. It seems to him like he has just found another group of friends to talk to.)