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The shift wouldn't end for an hour and a half still, but apparently after all the crazy calls from Halloween –same as every year- the night was finally quieting down. They were all sitting at the table relaxing, except for Buck, who Bobby had sent home early about half an hour ago. The kid deserved it after doing everything he was told without complaining –even though he didn’t look too happy about it.
He thought about telling him he would start going on calls with them tomorrow like before, but didn’t want to reward him so soon. After all it was only his first day back. It could wait till tomorrow.
The call took him by surprise, seeing as he was still on shift and it was an unknown number.
“This is Captain Nash speaking”, Bobby answered the phone.
“Captain Nash, you are listed as one Evan Buckley’s emergency contact, is this correct?”
As soon as he heard that words all the blood seemed to leave the captain’s face. The team took notice right away and looks of concern overtook everyone’s faces, but he kept talking.
“That’s correct. What happened?”, he asked even though he could barely hear his voice from the ringing in his ears, “Is he okay?”
By now everyone’s faces had shifted from concern to fear.
“Yes, Mr. Buckley is in stable condition, although he presented some cuts in his arm, and him being in blood thinners made it a bit worse than it really was.”
He kept repeating the words “cuts in his arm” in his head, as if trying to make sense of them.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can”, finished Bobby in what he hoped was a steady voice, even though he doubted that. He didn’t realize his hands were shaking until he felt someone grabbing them and speaking to him.
“Honey”, said Athena, “can you tell us what happened? You are scaring us.”
And as he lifted his head and looked around at his team, he could tell that’s what they all were. Scared. They’ve never seen their captain like that. Shaking and lost for words.
“It’s Buck”, he said in a shaky voice, “th- the hospital says he has cuts in his arms, I-I think he... I think he tried to hurt himself”, he finished leaving everyone stunned into silence.
And then chaos erupted. Hen and Chimney started yelling, asking for details, if he was okay and where was he. Athena raised her voice trying to quiet everyone. Eddie though, looked as if he was on the verge of a breakdown. His breathing out of control, and when Bobby called his name, he looked up looking lost, with tears in his eyes.
“Listen everybody”, said Bobby trying to use his “Captain” voice to calm everyone down. “They said Buck was fine now, so I’m going to the hospital to check on him, but I need you here until the shift ends, okay?”
“Fine!?”, yelled Eddie making everyone jump, “He isn’t “fine” if you are telling us he just tried to kill himself!”. Everyone flinched at hearing what was going through all their minds being screamed right at their faces.
“We don’t know that Eddie, not yet, so I'm going to go to the hospital and make sure Buck is okay and I’ll let you all know as soon as I do, alright?”
And even though Eddie wanted to argue and fight to go too, he gave the captain a shaky nod and sat down as if all his strength had left him. It was only a little over thirty minutes and then he could go see Buck himself. Make sure he was okay, and make sure he never felt like he had to hurt himself again. Or just try to understand why he did it in the first place.
Maybe this was his fault. Even though they made up, how many times had he given Buck the cold shoulder. Had spoken to him in harsh tones. Told him to “suck it up” when he was clearly hurting.
As he watched Bobby leave, he wondered how many of Evan’s reasons to do it were because of him.
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Bobby rushed to the hospital, mind going a thousand miles per hour, trying and failing not to blame himself for this. After today, after not letting Buck go with them on calls and putting him on light duty, treating him like a stranger, like he was new and had to earn his place back, how could he not.
As soon as he crossed the doors he ran to the front desk.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for a patient brought in not long ago. Evan Buckley.” Trying to keep his voice calm, when suddenly, he heard his name being called behind him by a voice that brought instant relief.
“Bobby?”, called no other than Evan “Buck” Buckley himself, and though there was nothing more Bobby wanted than to run and hug him, he had to make sure he was alright first.
So, he rushed towards Buck and asked,
“They said you were injured. That you... cut yourself”, he couldn’t help but hesitate while saying those words, afraid of how much truth they held.
“Yeah,” said Buck nonchalant, “I just got some shallow cuts from the broken windshield glass, I told the paramedics I was on blood thinners and they sealed the wounds.”
“But they brought you here, to the E.R.?” almost as if he couldn’t believe it was that simple.
“Oh, no I just wanted to make sure the people from the car were alright, and they ended up checking me up again.”
And of course, he would, that’s just who Buck was, a caring person, a hero. Always worrying about others instead of himself. He couldn’t believe he spent so long thinking he wasn’t ready to come back to work.
“So, you’re okay. Right kiddo?”, the word just escaped his mouth, and won him a surprised, shy smile from Buck.
“Yes, dad,” he joked, even though every time he said it in that teasing tone it seemed to feel less and less like a joke. And that’s when Bobby just couldn’t hold it anymore and hug him as tight as he could without hurting him. Surprised as he was, Evan didn’t even hesitate to return it.
“Let’s get you to the family, kid. They were worried sick when I left them to come get you.”
“Why?” asked Buck, confused.
“Because they knew you were hurt,” replied Bobby. And as he saw that the confusion didn’t leave his face, he realized how wrong they were for giving Evan the cold shoulder and treating him as they did. Because if the kid couldn’t understand how much they cared about him, how much they loved him, then they clearly had done something really wrong.
Shaking his head sadly and putting his arm around Evan, Bobby told himself he would fix this. He would make him understand.
“Come on kid, let’s go.”
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Eddie was pacing the room for the thousand time when Chim’s phone rang.
“Bobby, how is he?” Eddie couldn’t help but go straight to Chim, who put the call on speaker for everyone’s sake.
“He is alright, he is right next to me, I'm taking him to the station so you can all see it for yourselves”, he said with a laugh. Eddie couldn’t understand how he was taking this so lightly. He felt he was falling apart knowing what Evan had done. What he had tried to do, “We’ll be there in ten minutes”.
Ten minutes, Eddie repeated to himself. It felt like an eternity. He just wanted to make sure Evan was okay. See it with his own eyes. Hug him. Yell at him. Kiss him.
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Buck still didn’t know why he felt like he was missing something. Bobby kept smiling at him, but underneath he could tell something was wrong.
They were pulling up at the station when Bobby turned to him.
“You should tell them what happened right away,” he said, “as I said, they were really worried.”
That brought the confused look back to Evan’s face, but he just nodded.
He was shocked to feel someone crash into him in a hug as soon as his feet touched the ground. Even more surprised to notice it was Eddie, for even though they were on good terms now, it still felt kind of fragile. Or so he thought. Now Eddie was hugging him so hard it was starting to hurt a little. But man, did he miss his hugs.
It wasn’t until he felt the wetness in his shirt on his shoulder that he realized Eddie was crying.
“Eddie? Eddie was wrong?”, asked Evan concerned.
“What’s wrong? What's wrong!?” said Eddie crying.
“Diaz calm down and let him explain, would you?”, tried Bobby to sooth him.
“Dios, Buck. ¿Por qué lo hiciste eh?”, said the firefighter as tears fell down his cheeks.
“What, Eddie I don’t understand, what happened?” replied Buck, who seemed to understand less and less the more he heard.
“Why would you do that to yourself?”
“Do what?
“Hurt yourself like that! Cut yourself!”, said Eddie raising his voice in desperation.
Buck realized what he was saying and felt the pieces fall into place.
Bobby’s concern. Him saying how everyone was really worried. And just how bad his injures looked from the outside.
“Jesus, Eddie. I didn’t do this!”, said Buck pointing at his arm. “Is that what all of you thought? God, I woul- I would never do that, I swear, I...”. Everybody was looking at him with confused eyes. He didn’t know what to say. Thankfully, he didn’t have to, because Bobby stepped up.
“Buck got his injures helping a man who was thrown through a windshield, that’s all it was.”
Understanding seemed to flash in everyone’s eyes and relief could be felt all around the room.
“You really didn’t...?”, asked Eddie in a shaky voice. He was still holding onto Buck with both hands on his shoulders, looking straight to his eyes.
Evan looked right back at him with soft eyes.
“No, Eddie”, he said in a gentle voice, “I swear”.
“Oh, thank God.” Eddie’s voice cracked while he said it.
As the rest of the team watched the private moment, they decided to give them some space. One by one they passed them, not without giving a hug, a pat on the shoulder or a caress to Buck’s neck, and left the room.
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“Listen man, I’m sorry for making all of you worry so much”
“Shut up, you have nothing to apologize for”, said Eddie with a firm voice, “although maybe next time let us know you got hurt before we find out through a hospital call?”, said the firefighter with a shaky smile.
“Alright”, replied Buck with a smile of his own, “I promise”.
The smile disappeared just a as Eddie said the next words, replaced by his mouth dropping right open on disbelief.
“I love you”, said Eddie, even though it seemed to have escaped his lips without permission. “I love you”, he repeated more firmly this time.
And as Eddie looked into Evan’s eyes, he couldn’t help but wonder why had he waited so long to tell him.
“I love you so much, and I'm tired of being afraid of telling you, afraid that you won’t feel the same, that you will leave me and my son, and you will take a piece of my heart with you when you go,” said as he keep going with his momentum. “So, there you have it. I love you, Evan”
Buck who had stood silently watching, mouth still partially open, closed it abruptly and thought what to say. He couldn’t think of any words that would express just how he felt.
So he just acted.
To say the kiss took Eddie by surprise was an understatement. But as soon as he felt Evans lips on his, he couldn’t help but kiss him back just as deeply as he always wanted to.
He didn’t know how long it has been when they finally separated. But he could certainly say he would never forget just how good Evan tasted. Even if this kiss was all he ever had. God, he hoped it wasn’t.
“By now, you really must know I love you, too, right?” said the blonde with the biggest smile he had ever seen in his face.
And how could Eddie do anything else but kiss him again and feel that smile against his own.
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“Eddie?”, asked Buck looking concerned.
And dread filled Eddie's stomach.
“What is it?”
“You know even though we’re together now and I love you, Chris is still my favorite Diaz, right?” he said with a teasing smile.
And Eddie laughed so hard he had to sit down. “Dios, cómo amo a este hombre”, thought Eddie as he sat on the floor looking right into his lover’s eyes.
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TRANSLATIONS.
*God, Buck, why did you do it?
*God, how I love this man.