Work Text:
The couch in the hatch was hardly the most comfortable place in the world to take a nap, but, as far as things on Craphole Island went, Jack thought it was pretty damn close to heaven. He had had one of those trying days that felt like it was never going to end. Bernard had gone down with sunstroke, Steve - or was it Scott? Jack had never really gotten that straight in his mind - had managed to get sea urchin spines stuck in a very awkward place and Claire was having another one of her all too regular moments of being convinced that Aaron was dying of some bizarre plague, when in actual fact he just had a slight cold. And, if all that wasn’t enough, Sawyer had been insufferably smug all day, Sayid had gone walkabout in the jungle again and when Jack finally made it back to the hatch he was met by a furious Locke who was in a mood because Eko had used up all the hot water and left a big pile of wood shavings on the floor from whittling away at his Jesus stick. All Jack wanted to do was take a nap and, now that he had calmed Locke down and swept the offending pile of splinters under the rug (literally and figuratively), it seemed like things were quiet enough for him to do just that.
The quiet didn’t last long. One thing that could be said about life on Craphole Island was that the phrase I’m bored was very rarely heard.
"Wake up, Jack, I have found something you need to see, or rather, I have found someone."
Jack screwed his eyes tight shut and began to count to five. Not because he was scared but in the vain hope that by the time he got to five, Sayid would turn out to be nothing more than a vaguely disturbing dream. Sadly, the hand pushing at his shoulder in a none too gentle manner told him otherwise before he had even made it past three. He groaned and cursed Sayid’s name under his breath, clearly the little talk they had had about Sayid not bringing weird people that he found in the jungle back to the hatch hadn’t worked. Jack decided to give Sayid the talk again in the very near future, this time with diagrams and flowcharts and maybe some kind of handout that Sayid could take with him and refer to if the need arose. It was a shame that the software on the hatch computer didn’t include PowerPoint; it would have come in handy on so many occasions.
"Jack you must wake up. Danielle said that this man may well be an Other."
Jack gave up pretending to be asleep and embraced the creeping sense of déjà vu he was feeling like a long lost friend. The kind of long lost friend who eats all your food, steals your favourite cds, sleeps with your girlfriend and generally overstays their welcome.
"Danielle says a lot of things, Sayid, most of which are total and utter..."
Jack’s opinion of Danielle’s somewhat troubled state of mind stuttered to a halt as he rolled over on the couch and got his first look at the man who was standing beside Sayid. Although standing was not quite the right word, swaying in place was a better way to put it. The man was dressed as though he had been caught in a particularly violent explosion in a costume rental store, or, if that was not the case, as if he had taken the fashion statements of the New Romantic movement to heart. And then refused point blank to move on from them when everyone else decided that puffy white shirts and lashings of eyeliner were no longer the height of sartorial elegance. In reality - if such a concept still existed, Jack was not entirely sure that it did - the man looked unnervingly like a pirate.
Jack was about to ask Sayid who, what, where, why and how - and various other one word questions as, right now, Jack’s brain could only manage sentences of a singular worded nature - when the man stopped looking around in a manner that could only really be described as drunken, turned towards him and smiled broadly: exposing a number of gold teeth that sparkled disconcertingly under the fluorescent lights of the hatch.
"Captain Jack Sparrow at your service. It seems there has been a misunderstanding, your man here is under the false impression that I am some kind of miscreant or ne’er-do-well which I can assure you is entirely without foundation. I am an honest man, that is to say that I am honest in my dishonesty, but an honest man none-the-less and I can honestly say that I am in no way interested in partaking of any dishonest acts at this particular moment in time. Honest."
Jack tried desperately to get his brain to work in conjunction with his mouth to form a sentence. However, he didn’t get to test out his power of speech as Sparrow was clearly happy to do the talking for the both of them.
"Now we’ve got the introductions out of the way, you wouldn’t happen to ‘ave a spare rudder lying about the place, or some oars. Some sails, a mast and a hull would also come in handy as well if you could be kind enough to provide them. Having a little trouble with my ship. Had an argument with some rocks. Nasty things rocks, all sharp and pointy, do terrible, nasty things if you happen to run into them during a storm. Which we did. Several nights ago, while we weren’t engaged in any acts that could by any means be called dishonest, savvy?"
Jack most certainly did not savvy. Savvy was about as far from his mind at the moment as any thought could possibly be. In fact, Jack was fairly sure that he would currently need a dictionary just to find out what savvy meant and even then he wasn’t exactly sure he would understand it.
"This man insists that he is a pirate. I do not believe him. I feel it is necessary for us to question him at length about who he really is."
Sayid had that glint in his eye again and, if Jack was not mistaken, he was in the process of removing his torturing scrunchie from his pocket. Jack decided that it was probably best to get the man who called himself Jack Sparrow safely locked away as far from Sayid and his questioning as possible.
"It’s late, Sayid. We can question him in the morning. Let’s just lock him up in the armoury for now and we can decide on what to do once we’ve all had a good night’s sleep."
Sayid did a particularly bad job of hiding his disappointment, but, while doing so, he nodded in agreement.
"If that is what you think is best then I will lock him up myself, to make sure that he cannot escape."
With that Sayid pushed Sparrow in the direction of the “guest quarters” and Jack collapsed back onto the couch. Perhaps if he finally got some sleep he would wake up and discover that this was all a dream brought on by eating too many not-quite-ripe bananas or some undercooked boar meat. As he drifted off to sleep he could hear Sparrow chattering away to Sayid.
"I don’t want to worry you, mate, but it appears that you have no weapons of any kind in your armoury. Unless of course said weapons are incredibly small, microscopic so to speak. Or, in fact, completely invisible."
Jack didn’t hear Sayid’s reply due to the pillow he had wrapped firmly around his head so that both of his ears were well and truly covered. His last thoughts before he slipped lovingly into the arms of sleep were that if today had been long and annoying, tomorrow was bound to be even worse.
Jack awoke to the sound of people milling around the hatch and chattering excitedly as they did so. This was a little unfortunate as Jack had been having a really good dream in which he and Sawyer sailed the oceans together buckling their swash in a most agreeable manner. While it didn’t worry Jack in the slightest that he had dreamt about Sawyer as Sawyer featured in his dreams on a nightly basis, usually dressed in a very tight pair of leather pants. The man had a fantastic ass. What did worry him was other people finding out about his dreams and his body’s natural reaction to them. It was all that damn Jack Sparrow’s fault. Bloody pirates. Jack decided that his best course of action was to lie very still, pretend to still be asleep and think unsexy thoughts.
Thirty seconds later, after summoning up the mental image of the time he accidentally caught Locke coming out of the shower, Jack was feeling much better equipped to face the world. He rolled over, sat up and stretched, working the kinks out of his back and neck that sleeping on the couch had created. Which alerted him to the fact that he really needed a shower so he dropped his arms back down to his sides rather hurriedly and looked around at all the people that had congregated in the hatch as he slept. They all appeared to be staring at him. Jack suddenly became very paranoid about whether or not he talked in his sleep, he hoped he didn’t. Really hoped as the thought that he might have said “Take me, Sawyer, take me,” while he slept was absolutely terrifying especially as Sawyer was amongst the people gathered in front of him. (For some reason Jack’s dreams often resembled the romance novels that the nurses in the hospital he worked in left lying around in the break room.)
"Morning Rip Van Winkle, nice of you to join us. I was getting bored of listening to you snore."
Jack prayed to whatever deity it was who controlled the Dharma universe that all he had been doing was snoring.
"What are you all doing here?"
"Chuckie told us you had a new prisoner so we all decided to come take a look. Thought it would be a good idea to be in on the big secret from the start considering what happened last time y’all decided to play a game of pin the tail on the hatch monkey."
A murmur of agreement passed through the crowd and Jack had to admit they had a point.
"It is my fault, I neglected to inform Charlie that the information I shared with him was a secret. I shall not be so forgetful next time."
Jack had never really understood why Sayid insisted on telling Charlie of all people about everything that went on in the hatch, but as Sayid appeared to still be sulking he decided not to bring that subject up now. He made a mental note to include it in the Why bringing strange people to the hatch is a bad idea talk when he had it with Sayid at a later date.
"Eko is speaking with the prisoner, it was decided that he would be a better choice of interrogator than I."
Yep, Sayid was definitely sulking, Jack could tell from the way that he spat out the word speaking that Sayid was not a happy camper. He was about to say something soothing when the sound of a door opening made him jump. In all of his Sawyer-dream induced paranoia Jack had forgotten that the couch was right beside the armoury, it wasn’t him the crowd was staring at, it was the door. Jack breathed a sigh of relief and turned towards Eko who was towering in the armoury doorway in a rather imposing manner. Jack decided to stand up and move away, being this close to Eko always made him a little nervous.
"I have spoken at length with Captain Sparrow and I do not think he intends us any harm."
Jack thought it was highly unlikely that anyone would be foolish enough to let Eko think he wished to do anyone any harm. Ever. Perhaps it would have been a better idea to let Sayid and his torture schrunchie loose after all. But then, from Sparrow’s behaviour the night before Jack had gotten the distinct impression that the man had a least one or two screws loose if not all of them so perhaps even Sayid would not have been able to extract the truth from him.
"Who is he, dude, and how did he get here?"
Eko fixed Hurley with his best terrifyingly calm stare and continued.
"He says that he is a pirate and that he came here aboard a ship that crashed onto rocks on the other side of the island several days ago."
This wasn’t news to Jack but it caused a fresh bout of murmuring to break out around him.
"That is not all, he also told me that he believes it be the 17th century."
The murmuring turned into disbelieving chatter and Jack mentally patted himself on the back for his diagnosis of insanity.
"Well as that isn’t possible I say we keep him in the armoury for a few more days for his own good. The man is clearly suffering from heatstroke."
Jack hoped that that would be enough to keep the assembled throng happy and convince them that the show was over for the day. He really needed a shower.
"Think about it, Jack. With all the strange things that have happened to us is it really so hard to believe that this man could be a 17th century pirate?"
Trust Locke to believe in the most bizarre theory possible. Jack thought he would have learned his lesson from the whole I was wrong incident. Obviously not.
"Don’t forget the bloody polar bear."
Another thing that Jack had never really figured out was why Charlie was so obsessed by that damn polar bear. Fixing people’s injuries Jack was good at, understanding how their minds work he was not.
"Dude, why do you always bring up the polar bear every time something weird happens?"
Well at least Jack wasn’t the only one getting sick of Charlie’s constant repetitions.
"I’m just think it’s strange that there are sodding polar bears on a tropical bloody island."
Great, now Charlie was sulking as well, Jack wondered if that was why Sayid always told him his secrets, so they could sulk about them together. It was at this moment that Sparrow decided to step out from behind Eko - over whose shoulders he had been peeking - and join in the with discussion. Much to the amazement of the assembled crowd who had never seen a 17th century pirate in the flesh before. Gasps were heard, theories were discussed and eyeliner application tips were shared, but not by Jack who had seen it all before and was still just wishing everyone would go away so he could take a shower or at least hunt down a stick of deodorant.
"The bald gentleman in the corner is correct. It is perfectly possible that I am from the 17th century and the rest of you are not, highly unlikely I’ll grant you but not impossible. Believe me, mate, stranger things happen at sea, remind me to tell you all about the time I battled the Kraken or a little tale about cursed Aztec gold. And don’t get my started on undead monkeys. Annoying little buggers they are, no matter how often you shoot ‘em they refuse to die. Or they remain undead, as the case may be. You wouldn’t happen to have a drop of rum about the place would you? Being held prisoner always makes me terribly thirsty."
Jack was not at all surprised to see Desmond hand over a (mostly empty) bottle of rum, a gift that pleased Sparrow enormously judging from his grin of thanks and the huge swig he took from the bottle.
"Ah, a man after my own heart. Cheers!"
Sawyer, who Jack noted had been suspiciously quiet for a while, no doubt because he was upset at suddenly having someone else on the island who was as dashing as he which to be honest didn’t happen very often, unless you counted Sayid, which a lot of people did, chose this moment to step forward until he was eye to eye with Sparrow and fixed him with his best I’m the prettiest and don’t you forget it stare which Sparrow took in good stride, safe as he was in the knowledge that he was a very attractive specimen of manhood.
"I say we let Captain Morgan here go free before he drinks his way through the whole booze stash. One alcoholic on the island is more than enough."
Sawyer raised an eyebrow and glared at Sparrow. Sparrow grinned in response and leaned in a little closer.
"That’s Captain Sparrow, Captain Jack Sparrow, try and get the name right, there’s a good lad."
Jack thought it was best to break up their little pissing contest before it turned into an actual pissing contest. After all, that would only send Locke in to fresh paroxysms of rage about the cleanliness of his beloved hatch.
"We can’t let him go Sawyer, what if this is just another one of the Others’ mind games?"
Sawyer swung round to look at him and Jack found that he was forced to think of naked Locke again to counter the effect. Sawyer was even more good looking when he was annoyed – which was one of the reasons why Jack liked to get him into that state as often as possible. The other reason being that Jack thought it was fun.
"That’s as good a reason as any to get Keith Richards over here as far away from us as possible."
Jack repressed a snigger at Sawyer’s particularly apt nickname. Several people in the crowd failed to do so, much to Sparrow’s confusion.
"Is he talking about me?"
Jin, who Sparrow had addressed his question to, looked grave and muttered Udders under his breath causing Sparrow’s eyes to widen as he veered away from him.
"I think it is clear that we need to question this man further, I will be more than happy to do so."
Sayid was eyeing Sparrow in a rather disturbing manner and flexing the elastic of his torturing scrunchie between his fingers and thumb. Jack wasn’t the only person who noticed this, Sparrow must have got the gist of what Sayid meant by question as he let out a small cry of alarm and ran to hide behind Eko again.
"Parlay!"
Jack was a little confused now, as, it seems was Sawyer.
"Oh great, Captain Eyeliner’s started speaking French. Someone go find the crazy French chick, then we maybe we can get this mess sorted out."
Behind his Eko shield, Sparrow could be seen to be rolling his eyes and sighing a little over dramatically.
"Captain Sparrow. Has he been hit on the head one time too many? Seems to have a problem with names. I used to know a lad with a similar condition, couldn’t even remember his own name. Led him straight to the gallows. Mistaken for someone else y’see and as he had no knowledge of who he was he had to believe them. Terrible thing. He was a good man most of the time, just a little... scattered."
Eko smiled beatifically down at Sparrow which seemed to calm him a little. Which was nice as Jack was beginning to find this day even more trying than he thought it would be.
Sparrow crept out from behind Eko again, keeping the man’s bulk between himself and Sayid – who Sparrow was keeping a fix on in a wild-eyed sideways glance.
"I see you are unfamiliar with the right of Parlay. Let me enlighten you. When someone, such as myself, invokes the right of parlay, those with whom he invokes it, that would be you, are bound by the code not to lay a finger on him until such time as an accord is reached. Said accord should be something that is mutually agreeable to both sides, long-held grudges and other unpleasantness not withstanding, and in most cases will include the release of the person who has invoked parlay with not a single hair on his head being harmed in the process. Of course, if the person who invoked parlay is found to have lied, cheated, stolen or otherwise been of a dishonest nature during the invocation then the person, or people, with whom he has struck an accord are within their rights to hunt him down like the lying dog that he is. But only after letting him go in the first place. It says so in the code. Savvy?"
Before Jack could say a word, Sparrow continued. The man seemed to love the sound of his own voice.
"We have an understanding. Smashing. I love making new friends, I’m a people person at heart. Nothing warms the cockles more than a nice chat with like minded fellows. Especially when accompanied by a nice drop of rum." Sparrow held the bottle up in salute, then looked devastated when he realised it was empty. "Why is all the rum gone?"
Luckily Desmond seemed to have a neverending supply of the stuff and so quickly handed Sparrow a fresh bottle.
"Ever thought of becoming a pirate? You’ve got just the look for it. You’d be a smash with the ladies. And some of the fellows no doubt. Think about it. There’s always room for a splendid fellow like yourself aboard my ship. Bring the rum."
The last few words were said in a badly disguised stage whisper after which Sparrow began to totter towards Sayid, which Jack thought was a very brave thing to do particularly as Sayid’s hair was now up and tied back from his face as prescribed on page 10 of the torturer's handbook. (So You’ve Been Forced To Become A Torturer: Tricks Of The Trade From Experts To Make Your New Job An Easy One. published by Harper Collins, available at most good book stores now.)
"Mr Eko here has informed me that you all want nothing more than to get off this island. I have something that can help with that."
Sparrow rummaged in his clothing and produced a small box with a rather impressive flourish. Impressive to everyone apart from Sayid that is, who simply took it from him, looked it over for wires and other signs of it being a bomb and then opened it.
"It is a compass."
A groan of disappointment rippled through the crowd, Sawyer voicing the general opinion of Sparrow’s offering.
"Tough luck, Jack O’Lantern. Compasses don’t work around here."
Sparrow didn’t seem disheartened, in fact he seemed overjoyed.
"He got my first name right. It’s a start. Small blessings and all that."
He grinned in Sawyer’s direction like a proud parent and then turned his attention back to Sayid.
"Ah but you see, this is a very special compass. It points to the thing you most desire and, in your case, if all things come together as they should that would be a way off this island."
Typically it was Locke who was first to accept the rather bizarre idea as fact.
"What’s the compass pointing to, Sayid?"
Sayid shuffled uncomfortably a little before replying with a single word.
"Charlie."
Jack decided that the general opinion of Sayid’s answer was Huh? Although he did notice that Claire’s reaction seemed to be So that explains it and that Charlie was grinning. Jack decided to leave off the like an idiot as it was Charlie and so that could be taken for granted.
"Well that just proves it’s a load of bull, if the one thing that could make Mohammed happy is old Vh1 over there then my name ain’t Sawyer, it’s Susan."
Sparrow leered in Sawyer’s direction and then sidled up close to him until their chests were touching and their lips were just millimetres away from each other. (At this point the part of Jack’s brain that liked such things was jumping up and down and screaming kiss him, kiss him. It should be noted that the more heterosexually inclined part of Jack’s brain was thinking the exact same thing. Sawyer had that effect on people, as, it seemed, did Sparrow.) Sawyer didn’t back down an inch, even when Sparrow ran a finger slowly down his neck and then leaned just a tiny bit closer and whispered.
"‘Ello, Susan."
Sawyer ignored Sparrow and instead looked in shock between Sayid and Charlie, the former having blushed a shade somewhere between Magenta and Vermilion and the latter who was looking very pleased with himself.
"Well ain’t that a kick in the pants, seems like Red Beret has a thing for washed-up rock stars. Who would have guessed it. Tell me Abdul, what is it about him that drives you crazy? The sticky-out ears? The sparkling personality? The constant whining?"
Sayid didn’t answer Sawyer, instead he tossed his head in a way that reminded Jack rather too much of Shannon and that would have been more impressive if Sayid hadn’t tied his hair back earlier, and signalled to Charlie that they were leaving.
"Come Charlie."
Jack was very impressed by the way that Sayid ignored the giggling that his unfortunate choice of words created as he stormed out of the hatch with an incredibly smug Charlie in tow. Sparrow followed after them for a few steps, waving in a very happy manner, before turning and addressing the crowd again.
"Now that we’ve established that the compass works as it should might I suggest that someone of a less lustful nature take a hold of it."
Several people stepped forward but Sawyer got there first.
"Gimme that."
Jack watched with interest as Sawyer grabbed the compass out of Sparrow's hand and stared down at it. His interest soon turned into confusion and then fear as Sawyer looked up at Sparrow, then down at the compass again and then, most worryingly, over at Jack himself.
"Interesting. Very interesting."
Sparrow was peering down at the compass as well with a slightly off-kilter smile on his face. Jack began to feel distinctly uncomfortable. He felt even worse when Sawyer and Sparrow locked gazes and Sparrow’s head started nodding in his direction. Jack really hoped that it was a nervous tic and not Sparrow trying to tell Sawyer to move towards him.
"I say we let the Doc take a shot at this thing. Whad’ya say, Doc, fancy a ride on the magic arrow?"
Jack wondered if he was the only one who had a liking for trashy romance novels as Sawyer’s question sounded suspiciously like a euphemism to him. A particularly bad one, but a euphemism all the same. He didn’t dwell on it for long as Sawyer was advancing towards him with a rather strange glint in his eye. Jack decided that the best course of action was retreat. Unfortunately he was standing just in front of a wall so his escape plan turned out to be more in Sawyer’s favour than his own.
Sawyer was smiling at him. And he was using his best slightly lop-sided, sex-dripping, hooded-eyed smile which Jack thought was really unfair as no one could resist that smile. No one. And certainly not Jack who was convinced he was now blushing the exact same shade of red that Sayid had turned earlier. The fact that Sawyer wasn’t speaking was also unfair, Jack could deal with snarky Sawyer and pissed-off Sawyer and even bored and not-really-interested Sawyer, but he didn’t know how to respond to this new silent-but-deadly-intent-on-something Sawyer. (Jack hadn’t worked out what that something was yet. He was a little slow on the uptake.) So, when Sawyer grabbed his hands and wrapped them around the compass, Jack took the only option that seemed available to him. He closed his eyes and prayed that the compass needle wouldn’t do what he feared it would.
"I knew you couldn’t take your eyes off me, Doc."
Bugger. Jack opened his eyes and looked at the compass, it was pointing directly at Sawyer. At least it was until Sawyer placed his hands over Jack's at which point the needle started swinging wildly between them. Jack took his hands away as an experiment and was rather shocked to find that the needle was now pointing at him. Interesting. Jack put his hands over Sawyer’s and once again the needle span crazily. Very interesting.
"Careful with that. It’s a delicate piece of machinery. I got it from Tia Dalma and believe me you won’t want me to have to tell her you broke it. Lovely lady. A little bit terrifying, but lovely with it."
Sparrow took the compass from them but Jack didn’t mind as now that Sawyer’s hands were free he used them to grab Jack’s hips and bring them in line with his own so that Jack could tell that Sawyer was definitely interested in him. Very interested. Jack didn’t have time to consider what that meant as, without so much as a Can I? Sawyer was kissing him. With tongue.
Jack really liked this new development - although it made him even more aware of his need for a shower - and was looking forward to exploring it at length, maybe even in the shower. Unfortunately though, he was interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Jack decided to ignore it.
"It pains me to interrupt you, Jack, but there is something you need to see."
Jack cursed Sayid’s name in a variety of different languages, some of which he wasn’t even aware he knew. The man simply had the most atrocious timing in the world.
"Sayid I’ve told you, stop bringing things you find back to the hatch especially if they are people."
"I remember what you have told me, Jack, but I did not find this person. This person found me."
Sayid sounded a little less confident then he usually did and when Jack looked towards him he decided that was probably due to the large and rather sharp-looking sword that was currently being held to his throat by an incredibly scruffy-looking man dressed in a style not dissimilar to Sparrow. Just what they needed, another pirate. Jack almost wished he hadn’t woken up that morning, although if he hadn’t then Sawyer almost certainly wouldn’t be in the process of giving him a hickey as he was now. Sparrow, on the other hand, looked overjoyed to see Sayid’s captor.
"Norrington! You came to rescue me, not that I needed it, rescuing that is, but it’s the thought that counts as they say. Ladies and Gents, it is my privilege to present to you Commodore James Norrington of His Majesty’s Royal Navy. Or should I say, former Commodore Norrington. He lost his commission y’see. Nasty business, a bit too fond of a drop of the old rum if you catch my drift. That kind of thing doesn’t go down at all well with the landed gentry. Can’t see what’s so wrong with a drop of the hard stuff now and again, myself. Puts hairs on your chest."
Jack could tell by the pained look on Norrington’s face that he was used to Sparrow’s ramblings, possibly a little too used to them in fact.
"Quiet, pirate. You and I both know that the blame for my resignation from the service of His Majesty lies entirely at your feet. I am not here to rescue you, I simply seek the return of what is mine."
Jack suddenly realised that everyone was waiting for him to speak, It was really hard to concentrate with Sawyer nibbling on his neck.
"And what would that be?"
It was impressive how whenever Norrington spoke he seemed to be sighing heavily at the same time, or at least Jack thought it was.
"My prisoner. It is my intention to see that Captain Sparrow here is damn well hung."
Sparrow positively leered in the (former) Commodore’s direction.
"Oh come now Commodore, you and I both know that I have no shortcomings in that department. He loves it when I call him Commodore. Makes him feel manly."
Hurley, who Sparrow was speaking to - or maybe at, it was difficult to tell - seemed to be having a bit of a problem dealing with the results the compass had created.
"Dude! Am I the only person on this island who isn’t gay?"
Sparrow grinned wolfishly and looked Hurley up and down.
"Looks that way lad. You know what they say, any port in a storm. But if you should ever think of trying it out, look me up. I like a fellow with a bit of meat on his bones. As long as he matches up in the trouser department of course. Nothing more disappointing than someone what doesn’t, wouldn’t you agree, love?"
Several of the women in the group, and, Jack noticed, a few of the men, nodded in agreement. Norrington however, did not.
"Can we get back to the matter at hand?"
"Which is?"
Sawyer chose that moment to lick Jack’s earlobe so his question came out as more of an eep than he originally meant. Norrington took it all in his stride, Jack figured his ability to do so had a lot to do with spending an awfully large amount of time in the company of Sparrow.
"I demand that you turn Sparrow over to me so that I can return to my ship, sail to Port Royal and see that justice is done."
Sparrow tottered over to Norrington and whispered in his ear, looking a little sulky as he did.
"I hate to bring this up but we have a little problem in the ship department if you remember, and it’s not your ship, it’s mine."
Norrington sighed, really heavily this time, like a long suffering parent who has finally been worn down by its child’s demands.
"Quiet, pirate."
There had obviously been some kind of secret code exchanged between Norrington and Sparrow as, Sparrow perked up considerably.
"I knew you cared about me. All those sweet nothings you whispered in my ear that night, I knew it wasn’t just the rum talking."
Norrington rolled his eyes but said nothing. Sawyer meanwhile took a break from licking every piece of Jack’s skin that was currently on offer.
"What do you say, Jacko, Gonna let Captain Duranie go free? I’ll make it worth your while."
"It’s Captain Sparrow. How many times do I have to say it?"
Jack looked at Sawyer, then at Norrington and Sparrow, then back at Sawyer again. Because Jack had decided he really liked looking at Sawyer when he was this up close and personal.
"Fine, take me, I mean take him."
Jack sincerely wished that he had never read a single romance novel in his life.
"But Jack we can’t just let him go, there is so much we could learn from him."
Not for the first time, Jack also sincerely wished that Locke would shut the hell up, as luck would have it Sawyer felt the same way.
"Can it Mr Clean, Jack here’s got other things on his mind."
Sawyer was right, Jack did have other things on his mind – namely whether there had been any leather trousers in Sawyer’s size found amongst the luggage and how long it would be before Sawyer would shut up and kiss him again. Another thing that was on Jack’s mind was that there were way too many people around for him to do all the things he was currently imagining doing with Sawyer and so for that reason, and that reason alone, Jack didn’t utter a word of protest when Sawyer grabbed him by the arm and dragged him towards the bedroom area of the hatch. It wasn’t that Jack was a pushover when it came to such things, it was just that he was, well, desperate.
And here, dear reader, is where we must draw a veil across the proceedings for, as we all know, first-time sex is often a fairly messy and complicated business and not at all like the soft-focused, choreographed proceedings that movies, TV shows and romance novels tell us it is. Suffice to say, words of longing were exchanged, clothes were removed, penis sizes were compared (surreptitiously of course) and eventually, after much awkward bumping of elbows and knees, Jack and Sawyer consummated their relationship. And then promptly rolled over and went to sleep although Sawyer did spend a moment or two wishing that the Dharma Initiative included cigarettes in their supply drops.
Back at the beach camp, Sayid and Charlie celebrated the fact that they no longer had to hide their feelings for each other in a very enthusiastic and some would say overly loud manner. Hurley’s cries of TMI, dudes, TMI! could be heard echoing through the night from several miles away. Luckily for all concerned Sayid soon invented sound proofing for tents using palm fronds, bamboo and some empty tubs of Dharma Brand Ranch Dressing that Hurley was only too happy to provide.
Far away on the other side of the island, Captain Jack Sparrow and his (former) Commodore rejoined their ship, along with Desmond who had found the offer of an unending supply of rum impossible to resist, and sailed away into the distance - the ship having been miraculously fixed by the same force that regularly cured diseases - only to sail back again an hour or so later when they discovered that no one can escape Craphole Island. Undaunted by this setback they launched a number of raids on The Others who declared Captain Jack Sparrow to be the best pirate they had ever seen.
In short, they all lived happily ever after.
The End.