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Most people expected Orochimaru to like Halloween. Most of his look had a touch of the gothic aesthetic, with his swirling dark chiffons and silks, black sheen of hair that he wore loose about his waist, and fondness for snakes.
But the general truth was that he hated it.
Halloween meant suffering through all the neighbours’ kids bashing on his door all night, when Orochimaru wanted quiet, and demanding his sweets in high-pitched shrieky voices, when they were Orochimaru’s sweets and he’d bought them for himself.
At first, Orochimaru ignored the knocking, and simply turned up the television louder to drown them out. But then the little freaks picked his rose bush and made it look uneven. As it was autumn turning winter, Orochimaru had no time to grow it back, and had to sit staring at uneven clumps of thorns all winter. Jiraiya simply shrugged and said it would be fine come spring, and Tsunade offered to get her grandpa to take a look at it next time she saw it, but Orochimaru just knew that they’d end up in the casino and bar together, and no one would sort it for him.
So the next year, Orochimaru decided to offer them a ‘trick,’ and gave the kids laxative sweets. That did not go down with the neighbours, and they all turned up the next day calling him evil. Orochimaru couldn’t understand why, they’d asked for a trick or treat and so he’d offered them a trick. What was the problem?
Tonight, Orochimaru had retired to the back of the house, and sat watching The Addams Family, with a bowl of candies that Tsunade had left him with and ordered him to give to the kids who knocked. All the lights at the front of the house were out, and so Orochimaru didn’t expect any knocks on the door. The candies were his.
Meanwhile, Tsunade and Jiraiya themselves were out trick or treating with Konan, Yahiko and Nagato, and as far as Orochimaru was concerned, were bringing him back some more sweets.
So far, all was peaceful, and quiet.
Just the way he liked it.
A shrill buzzing of the bell rung.
Orochimaru frowned.
It was probably Jiraiya and Tsunade returning with the kids and their sweets, so he paused the film, clamoured up and swished in his silken robe to the door.
Orochimaru opened the door, and looked straight ahead.
There was no one there.
The children were probably playing a prank. Orochimaru shook his head, and stepped back to shut the door.
“Hey!” protested a child’s voice.
Orochimaru glanced down.
And there stood Sasori Akasuna.
Sasori Akasuna was probably the creepiest kid that Orochimaru had ever met. And Orochimaru was no stranger to creepy things or creepy people. He worked as a pathologist and had seen…things. Things that other people would recoil from, but fascinated and intrigued Orochimaru.
But Sasori was another story.
They’d met Sasori when Granny Chiyo brought Sasori for his jabs at the GP surgery where Tsunade worked. Several nurses had attempted to give Sasori his jabs, but Sasori had screamed and bitten them. He’d even bitten Tsunade, once they’d all given up and called a more senior member of staff to help.
Luckily Tsunade managed to coax Sasori into behaving by inviting him to play with her children, then gently explaining to him what jabs were, why they were important, and letting Sasori ask all the questions he wanted. Orochimaru thought that would be the end of that, but then, of all things…
Jiraiya invited him to Yahiko and Konan’s birthday party.
Sasori wanted to play with the knife that Orochimaru was trying to cut the cake with, and when Orochimaru said no, Sasori bit him.
He tipped all Orochimaru’s skincare and haircare products down the sink and announced he was making poisons. He tried to go inside Orochimaru’s study, only for Orochimaru to pick him up by the scruff of his neck and haul him out, while Sasori screamed in protest.
As far as Orochimaru was concerned, Sasori was a brat. But Jiraiya and Tsunade felt sorry for him.
Why?
Sasori impatiently shook his bucket. “Trick or treat!” he announced, staring up at Orochimaru with half-closed grey-brown eyes.
Orochimaru glanced around, noticing that Sasori was completely on his own.
“Hello Sasori,” he greeted, imitating the polite voice that Jiraiya and Tsunade used to speak to children. “What are you doing out so late?”
“I’m trick or treating,” Sasori rolled his eyes.
“Where’s your costume?” asked Orochimaru, glancing at Sasori’s trousers, shirt and coat.
“I’m dressed as a psychopath. They look like everyone,” explained Sasori.
“Where’s your Granny?” asked Orochimaru.
“I went out without her,” said Sasori proudly.
“Should a five year old boy like yourself be out on your own like this?” asked Orochimaru.
Sasori pouted, his lower lip sticking out. “No, but I am anyway.”
Orochimaru was tempted to fling his sweets at Sasori and send him on his way, but he knew that would be irresponsible. Instead, he opened the door wider, and beckoned Sasori in.
“You shouldn’t be out alone,” he scolded. “Come inside and I’ll call your Granny to come and get you.”
Sasori sulked. “I haven’t finished trick or treating everyone yet.”
“I have more candy inside,” said Orochimaru, feeling like the Child-Snatcher.
Sasori considered it.
“Konan, Yahiko and Nagato will be home soon,” said Orochimaru.
Sasori hopped over the doormat and into the house. Orochimaru shut the door behind him, and then guided Sasori to the living room, sitting him on the sofa. He placed the bowl of sweets in front of Sasori.
“Sit quietly, watch the film, and have some sweets,” ordered Orochimaru.
Sasori grabbed a handful of the chocolate candies, and stared at them. “I don’t like dark chocolate.”
Orochimaru realised that he had eaten all the milk and white chocolates, leaving just the plain dark chocolates.
“Well, eat what you do like,” said Orochimaru.
“I don’t like any of them,” retorted Sasori.
Orochimaru felt his eye twitch. “What is your granny’s phone number, Sasori?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you know?” asked Orochimaru.
“I’m not allowed to use the phone.”
“Why not?”
“Because I called social services and tried to ask if I could live with Sandy,” replied Sasori.
“Sandy?”
“My babysitter,” announced Sasori. “I love him.”
“Right,” said Orochimaru, thinking he really ought to have just sent Sasori on his way rather than deal with this. “In that case, you can stay here until Jiraiya and Tsunade return.”
The idea of waiting and letting Jiraiya and Tsunade deal with Sasori was tempting, but in return, it meant that Orochimaru had to try and keep Sasori entertained instead.
When it came to entertaining the three orphans that they’d adopted, Orochimaru struggled. He tried to remember what he liked doing as a child, and it usually involved some sort of intense engagement with an in-depth interest. This tactic was perfect for Konan, who would sit folding up paper for hours. But Yahiko got bored and started charging around, and Nagato hadn’t found a go-to interest that Orochimaru could just hand him yet.
The television was an easy distraction, and Orochimaru had his select preference of television series and films, but the choice for children…was rather lacking. Well, it wasn’t lacking per se, but it was lacking in television shows for children that didn’t make Orochimaru’s eyes hurt from the bright colours and feel like his brain was melting out his ears from the high-pitched babbling voices of the characters.
“Do you like children’s programs, Sasori?” asked Orochimaru, hoping that he could put something on for Sasori now, and then escape.
“No. They’re stupid,” pouted Sasori. “Karura puts them on for her little brother Yashamaru and I told her it made me sick, so she shut me in her Barbie playhouse.”
“Poor Barbie,” stated Orochimaru.
“I don’t like tv, I like books,” said Sasori. He clamoured up off the sofa, and trotted over to Orochimaru’s bookshelf, grabbing a limited edition hardback from the shelf. “Can I read these?”
“No,” said Orochimaru. He grabbed the book back from Sasori, and shoved it back on the shelf.
Sasori pouted, then reached for another pink and red covered book. “How about this?”
Orochimaru immediately recognised it as one of Jiraiya’s, and probably very un-child friendly.
He snatched it back. “Absolutely not.”
“Why not?” protested Sasori.
“It’s naughty!” retorted Orochimaru.
Sasori’s lower lip jutted out.
“What books are you allowed to read at home?” asked Orochimaru.
“Whatever I want. I’m alone all day,” said Sasori.
Orochimaru startled, and stared at the child. Sasori was five, going on six, and he was alone all day? Maybe Orochimaru ought to have a word with Chiyo, but then that would be getting involved, and he wasn’t sure if he had the emotional energy for that. Jiraiya and Tsunade were better at that, at knowing the right words to say and the ability to show that they cared.
“Surely you have your granny at home,” muttered Orochimaru.
“No, she usually sleeps and pretends to be dead,” said Sasori. “So I got a stick and poked her up the nose.”
“I hope you’re not going to poke me up my nose.”
“No,” said Sasori.
“Good,” said Orochimaru.
“I’m going to poke you somewhere else,” announced Sasori gleefully.
Orochimaru scowled. “You better not. Sit down on the sofa, and wait until Tsunade and Jiraiya return.”
He turned and stormed out, looking for his mobile phone, so that he could message Jiraiya and Tsunade and get them to come back and look after this brat.
He checked the dining room, but found it empty of his phone. He checked Jiraiya’s downstairs study, wondering if maybe he’d left it to charge on one of Jiraiya’s, but found that he had left it alone.
Upstairs, Orochimaru checked his bedroom, all the kids’ bedrooms, and then his study. His snake Manda was resting in his tank, and Orochimaru leant over and stroked his scales. The snake flickered his tongue at Orochimaru, so Orochimaru stuck out his tongue back in response. He left his study, then went back down to check on Sasori.
But when he peered in the living room, Sasori was gone.
Orochimaru’s heart skipped a beat.
He’d lost him.
Shit.
Orochimaru ran to the front door, but it was safely locked. The windows were all closed, meaning Sasori had to still be in the building.
“Sasori?” called Orochimaru. “Sasori!”
Orochimaru swallowed his heavy breathing, forcing himself to calm. He didn’t like Sasori, and definitely didn’t care about him, but he still didn’t want to lose him. There had to be an explanation for where he had gone.
He was probably in the bathroom.
Orochimaru exhaled, and then walked to the downstairs bathroom. Lightly, he knocked on the door with the back of his knuckles. “Sasori? Are you in there?”
There was silence.
Orochimaru pressed his lips against the door. “I’m coming in if you don’t answer.”
There was no answer, but a strange scampering sound from the ceiling above. Orochimaru’s head snapped up, his ears pricked, listening, but the sound left as swiftly as it had arrived. There was no way that Sasori could be upstairs, Orochimaru had just been upstairs. And if Sasori was in the bathroom, like Orochimaru believed he was, how could he be upstairs?
Orochimaru sighed, and opened the door.
The bathroom was dark, and silent.
He pinged on the light.
There was no sign of Sasori.
Orochimaru glanced around the whole room, lifting towels, glancing in the washing basket, pulling aside the shower curtain. But Sasori was nowhere to be seen.
He turned off the light, headed out, and then ran back upstairs, following the direction of the scampering sound, turning on lights as he went. He didn’t care that the house was now lit up like a Christmas tree, if he had to find Sasori, then so be it.
Orochimaru checked the upstairs bathroom, retraced his steps and looked in all the rooms he had entered, but there was no sign of a small, redheaded child. The wind had picked up outside, and Orochimaru heard it whip through the vents of the house, whistling as it picked up speed. He shivered, before reminding himself it was just wind.
He ran back into the living room, hoping that Sasori had turned up and had been in the living room all along.
But Sasori was not there.
Panic set in.
He had invited Sasori inside to keep him safe, not lose him!
This is why I hate kids, Orochimaru thought bitterly.
He stuffed a candy in his mouth, grimacing at the bitter dark chocolate taste, before he made another round of the house. The back door was still closed and untouched, and so Sasori couldn’t have gone in the garden.
“Sasori?” called Orochimaru. “Come out now, it’s not funny. You’re just being stupid.”
He hoped his words would bait Sasori, and provoke him into appearing. But Sasori did not emerge.
At that, Orochimaru grabbed the back door keys, and then slipped out into the garden, grabbing a flashlight on the way out.
“Sasori?” he called, lighting up the trees, the trampoline, the wendy house, Jiraiya’s hot tub which he had renamed his ‘love tub,’ much to Tsunade and Orochimaru’s distaste. Horrified, Orochimaru worried if Sasori had tumbled in and drowned, and lifted the lid cautiously.
But Sasori was not there.
He opened the door to the garage, glancing under Jiraiya’s Range Rover. Jiraiya kept his car in the garage, while Tsunade kept her Audi on the driveway. Orochimaru had to keep his custom designed snake print car with the bespoke OR0 CH1 number plate on the street since he and Tsunade used their cars more than Jiraiya did.
Sasori was not hiding under Jiraiya’s car, and defeatedly, Orochimaru returned to the house. It was deathly silent, and Orochimaru sucked in a silent breath, wondering what to do.
Just as he was contemplating calling the police, the key to the front door turned.
Orochimaru ran through the kitchen, down the hallway, to frantically explain, when Sasori himself bobbed into view.
“Hello Tsunade and Jiraiya!” chirped Sasori. “I came to trick or treat.”
Orochimaru had never wanted to pick up a child and throw it like a shotput down the street so badly in his life.
“Oh, hello Sasori!” greeted Jiraiya, tugging off his parka coat. “Where’s your costume?”
“I’m a psychopath,” beamed Sasori. “Because they look like everyone!”
“Very creative,” said Tsunade, unwrapping her scarf from around her neck.
“Where have you been?” hissed Orochimaru. “I’ve been looking for you, you little sh-”
He bit back his tongue, realising that Yahiko, Konan and Nagato were listening.
“I’ve been in the house,” said Sasori. “Where you told me to be.”
Orochimaru seethed.
“Does your grandmother know where you are, Sasori?” asked Tsunade.
“No,” said Sasori.
“Shall we give her a call?”
“No, I want to get more treats,” said Sasori.
“I think it’s a bit late for treats,” said Jiraiya, ruffling Nagato’s hair. “In fact, I think it’s time these three had bath and bed.”
“No!” protested Yahiko, clutching his pumpkin bowl of sweets. “I want more treats.”
“You have plenty of treats,” said Tsunade.
Nagato beamed at her, showing sticky, chocolate-covered teeth.
Orochimaru sighed, and sat back down on the sofa, letting Tsunade and Jiraiya take over the childcare duties. With a bit of luck, Sasori would leave, and Orochimaru could still enjoy a peaceful evening.
Jiraiya herded the children upstairs, to put them in the bath and then in their pyjamas. Tsunade picked up the house phone, dialling Chiyo’s number, while Sasori perched on her lap innocently. His bag of treats sat unsuspiciously in the corner of the living room. Orochimaru stared at it, noticing a strange curling figure against the edges casting a shadow.
He narrowed his eyes.
The door knocked.
“Sandy! Granny sent him to get me!” shrieked Sasori excitedly. He scampered back in, and grabbed his trick or treat bowl.
“Did you have a good time trick or treating?” asked Sandy, as Tsunade swung open the door.
“Yes,” beamed Sasori. He reached his hand inside the bowl, and pulled out a familiar scaly figure. “And I’m having this for my treat!”
Orochimaru caught side of Manda’s familiar scales. “NO!”