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S3 Ep.10 “Dream A Little Dream of Me”
“I can handle it.”
“Not alone you can’t.”
“Ow! What are you doing?!”
“Coming in with you.”
“No you’re not!”
“Why not? At least then it’ll be two against one.”
“’Cause I don’t want you digging around in my head!”
“Too bad.”
…
Sam groaned as he sat up and looked around – he was in a clearing of some kind, which confused the hell out of him. Wasn’t he just running with Dean in his head looking for that punk Jeremy? Sam fell back on the grass – Jeremy must have separated them; just freaking great. How could he find his brother when they were in the never-ending maze of his head?
Well, there was no sign of the kid now, so Sam struggled to his feet – his body feeling heavier than usual, probably some result of the dream root he was sure. Once he was standing on his own two feet, he looked around, trying to figure out what Dean could be dreaming about now. All Sam could see was field – grass and trees, and a small pond. Where the hell was this?
“Dean be careful!” Sam turned at the voice, seeing a pretty blonde woman chasing after a small blonde boy, a bundle of blankets in her arms and bag over her shoulder.
“Mom,” he whispered, walking closer, realizing that maybe this wasn’t just a dream, but a memory . He looked at Dean, little four year old Dean, who was now leaning over the pond, poking at things in the water with a stick he found on the ground. Sam looked around, not seeing his dad anywhere in the thought, so he just watched. His mom sat down on the ground as gracefully as she could while carrying a small baby, smiling as she made faces at the small boy, her eyes diverting between him and Dean, who was poking more furiously at the things in the pond.
“Mama! Do you think Sammy likes worms?” Dean called, making their mom turn to look at him and laugh as he held up the stick, a slick worm sticking to it.
“He’s too small, but I’m sure he will with you there to show him how much fun they are! Why don’t you come over here and hold him for a minute?” Dean gave a hurried nod of his small blonde head, running over to them and whisking his baby brother into his arms. Their mom just laughed again and smiled as Dean pulled him to his chest.
“I love you Sammy. Gonna take care of you forever. I promise.”
Sam could’ve watched this scene forever, but before he could focus, he was knocked off his feet and flat onto his back as the memory changed. Now they were in a small cramped hotel room, and there was a chubby dark-haired baby trying to walk to a slightly bigger kid, who held his hands out to the baby.
“Come on Sammy, just a couple more steps,” Dean was saying, his hands stretching just a little more to the small boy, who let out a delighted giggle before he collapsed into his big brother’s arms. Dean laughed and hugged him a little closer. “That’s my boy!” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of the dark haired child.
The landscape changed again, and now there was a preteen Dean standing in the middle of a dark parking lot, their dad across from them, some dark motel behind them.
“Sammy doesn’t deserve this crap dad! He needs a dad! He needs you! Don’t leave, not tonight!” Their dad just shook his head and walked over to the Impala, slamming the door as he got in. Dean stood there, watching him as he started the car and drove away. “YOU BASTARD!”
Sam watched as the memories changed faster now. There was a 17 year old Dean smashing a 13 year old Sam’s face into a cake, laughing as Sam threw some cake into his face in retaliation. Then there was 14 year old Sam and 18 year old Dean setting off fireworks, a few stray ones going into the grass of the field, where a small fire began to spread as the two of them drove off, still watching the last of the fireworks glitter in the sky. Next came a 15 year old Sam who had just brushed his mop of hair down getting rough 19 year old hands messing it up as his brother stood behind him; Sam laughed it off as he turned around, shoving his brother away, but Dean just caught him and pulled him to the ground with him as the two began to playfully fight.
There were more of these small moments between them that flashed by even quicker – Dean and him sitting on a couch watching a scratchy tv and laughing together; Sam trying to do homework while Dean threw things at him, telling him bad jokes the whole time; Dean teaching Sam to drive in a car they stole from the parking lot since Dean was so sure he would wreck the Impala if he drove; Dean teasing him and making kissy faces as Sam left to go on a date, laughing as Sam flipped him off over his shoulder; there just continued to be these small moments between the two of them, and Sam had no idea that Dean seemed to remember every single little thing they had ever done.
He was jolted as he was plunged into darkness, stumbling a bit as he got his bearings again.
The next scene caught Sam by surprise though – suddenly he was standing in a hallway, peeking in through a barely open door. He realized that he must have been seeing this one directly through Dean’s eyes, but it was so dark and distorted, almost like Dean didn’t want to remember it. And Sam realized that he was staring at himself – well, 17 year old him. He was sitting at a desk, a phone tucked between his head and shoulder as he wrote something down.
“No, I can’t tell him. Not yet.” Oh, Sam remembered this conversation, and apparently Dean had heard and seen it all. He watched himself, shoulders shaking slightly as he continued to talk. “Yeah, I know, this is fantastic, you’ve told me that 100 times. But-“ More silence as Sam put down his pen and ran one hand through his hair, the other gripping the phone tightly. “Yes, I know Stanford is my dream school, you don’t have to remind me. And yes, getting offered the chance to go is amazing, but Dean-“ memory-Sam sighed and leaned his head back, and Sam stepped back as Dean, so he wouldn’t be seen. “I can’t leave him. Do you think he’d come with me?” More silence, and Sam lifted up a hand to feel tears dripping down his – no, Dean’s – face. Had he made Dean cry? “Yeah, that was a stupid question. Who takes their older brother to college with them, right?” Memory-Sam sighed into the phone. “I gotta go. He’ll be back soon. Yeah, bye.”
Sam – as Dean – stepped back and away from the door, and Sam wasn’t sure how he felt. He hadn’t known Dean had heard that, and then Sam heard what sounded like Dean’s voice as the scenery shifted to black.
“Hell Sammy, you shoulda asked.”
Sam felt his heart break a bit at that thought, before he was yanked from Dean’s memories and back into the grassy field where he started.
Or at least he thought so, until he realized that he was in a park – a park he remembered pretty well. He felt his lips shake – no, he was still seeing through Dean’s point of view, so it was Dean’s lips shaking- as he saw himself, well a 19-year old him, walking into the park, heavy backpack slung over his shoulder. This was the park near the dorms at Stanford, where Sam would go to study in peace whenever his roommates got too rowdy.
And Dean was here? Or had been here? And he never said anything to Sam about it? He stood there and watched himself settle down at a picnic table, and then Sam heard his brother’s voice again.
“Fuck Sammy, you look good. I’m so proud of you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here with you.”
The scene changed again, and Sam was standing outside of his brother’s view now, watching said brother, who couldn’t have been more than 23 here, sitting at some dark bar, the pretty bartender leaning over the counter as they talked. Sam moved closer so he could hear the conversation.
“Well honey,” the bartender said, leaning even closer, “you look like your puppy just got hit by a car.” Dean chuckled and downed his glass of whiskey before he let out a dejected sigh.
“No, not my dog. I just… I came to town to see someone, to get someone back, but I was a bag of chickenshit and… well here I am.” Sam had never heard his brother sound like this – voice torn and ragged, like every word just hurt to get out. What did this memory mean?
“Girlfriend?” Dean snorted and shook his head, making the bartender lean closer to him as she poured him another glass of whiskey. “Boyfriend?” Dean just snorted again, this time with a thick laugh.
“More than that. My other half,” he said, downing the whiskey in two big gulps. “And I just, I missed them way too much. So I drove my ass out to California, and I just wanted to… to…”
“To what honey?” Dean looked at the bartender, her eyes kind as she realized that he must have been hurting right then. Sam watched them, sitting on the stool next to Dean and leaning a little closer. What could have been so important that Dean braved finding him at school, only to back out at the last second?
“To tell them that I am so fucking stupidly in love with them. Which is probably the biggest mistake of my life, but I wouldn’t change how I feel for anything.” Dean stared into his empty glass, lips tugged down in a frown. “To tell them I am so happy for the life they’re living, and how I wish, more than anything, that I was with them. But hell, it’s probably better they’re away from me,” he said as she poured more whiskey into his glass. He lifted the glass to his lips, and Sam just watched, waiting to see what happened next.
He was still processing what he had just heard admitted from his own brother's lips.
“Why do you say that hun?”
“Because… if I had actually walked up to them today, and I had fucking said my feelings for once… I’d never let them go again.”
“Sam? Sammy where are you?! SAM!”
Sam felt himself jerked off the stool and found himself slowly falling back into a deep black void as now, instead of memories, he just got bombarded with Dean’s thoughts as he continued to fall.
“A girlfriend. Man I’m a fucking idiot for this. Shoulda just left him alone.”
“Fuck Sammy, it’s good to have you back, right next to me in Baby, where you belong.”
“I’m so sorry Sammy. I shoulda left you here, so you wouldn’t have to go through this. I’m so sorry baby boy.”
“I shoulda made you stay with that girl, you’d be better off with her than with me. But I’m too selfish to let you go without a fight.”
“You came back. Holy fuck, you came back. Honestly, I would have gotten the girl out and then let that fugly scarecrow get me than live without you. How pathetic is that.”
“I’m sorry I never told you about Cassie. I saw how you looked pissed, and man, I wish it was for all the wrong reasons. I just missed you, and she was there, and I was stupid. It’s only you Sammy. I just can’t tell you that.”
“First you save me, and then some fucked up backwater hillbillies take you from me? I woulda slaughtered every one of them. Why the fuck are you still by my side?”
“You’re psychic. Man Sammy, I always knew you were special. Now I gotta try even harder to protect you baby boy. Never gonna let anything hurt you.”
“Great, I’m fucking dying in the hospital. Maybe it’s better this way – at least Sammy will get to keep going, keep fighting.”
“I will die before I ever hurt Sam. Dad was fucking crazy. I will save him. I will save you Sammy.”
“Fucking demon got in you Sammy, but I got her out. And I got an idea on how to keep those bitches out.”
“I’m sorry Sammy, I know how much you cared about her. I wish there had been a different way, I really do. I love you and wish you didn’t have to suffer this way.”
“That other world was nice Sammy, but I didn’t have you. Hell, I don’t know if I even felt this way there, but you got me back, and I wouldn’t change the way I have you now for anything.”
“I’m sorry Sammy. I did this for you. I couldn’t live with you dead. I shoulda protected you instead of letting those demons get the drop on me. But I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“I know I’ve been getting distant baby boy, I know. I know you’re worried about me, but I am running out of time, and I just want you to be prepared for when I’m gone. So if I have to make you hate me, then so be it.”
“Lisa was great to see. She probably would have let me stay, you’re right, but no, when I die, I want you by my side. How pathetic does that make me? No. How selfish does that make me?”
“This was the second best Christmas I’ve ever had Sammy. Right after when you gave me this amulet. Pretty sure I knew I was gonna love you right then. Merry Christmas.”
Sam cried out in pain as he collided with hard ground. His eyes were watering, but he didn’t think it was from the pain, not exactly.
Sam had no idea… Dean had never showed that he felt like this. Sam didn't even think Dean was capable of feeling these type of emotions. Sure, he had seen the love he had for Cassie, and the longing he had seemed to feel when he saw Lisa again, but this…
Something like this was so completely out of Dean’s character, and yet, Sam found himself understanding in a way. Their bond had always been stronger than most siblings, had always been more intense due to the life they lived. And sure, maybe when Sam was younger, he had thought that Dean had hung the moon, but he never once thought that Dean, his big brother, the guy who get could any girl to drop to her knees with just a smirk, would ever return those type of thoughts.
And not only that, but had kept those thoughts on a constant repeat ever since Sam had left for college.
Sam wanted to cry.
…
“Hey Sam, I was wondering - when you were in my head, what did you see?”
“Uh… Just Jeremy. He kept me separated from you. Easier to beat my brains out that way, I guess. What about you? You never said.”
“Nothing. I was looking for you the whole time.”
…
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been doing some thinking, and… well the thing is… I don’t want to die. I don’t want to go to hell.”
“All right, yeah, we’ll find a way to save you.”
“Okay, good.”