Chapter Text
The Great Hall was calm when you came in – which was odd since a Thing was going on. It was usually noisy, almost too loud but with Ivar on the phone, everything was different. People were scared to talk, scared to act, scared to breathe, scared to live. You would lie if you pretended you were not a tiny bit afraid yourself but it had to be done…for your heart, mostly.
When Ivar dismissed the last two farmers arguing about cows and pigs, you stepped forward in what you hoped was a resolute and determinate way.
“Y / N?” Ivar was shocked to find you there; his superior demeanor has changed to become suddenly agitated.
You took a deep breath. “There is something important I must ask you about.”
Ivar frowned. “You did not have to come here. You know you can talk to me whenever you want.”
“Really?” You asked doubtfully, tilting your head on the side. “I had the feeling you were too busy to give me a moment.”
Ivar ran his tongue over his dry lips. He was embarrassed, you could tell. He had neglected a lot of people since he had become King, even more so after Freydis got with child. But here…he had no choice but to hear you. If peasants had the right to talk, an admired shieldmaiden in his army could not be denied. With a flick of his hand, he urged you to go on.
“I wish to leave your army and Kattegat to go to Ribe.”
Your throat felt dry as if you had talked for hours. A simple sentence, and it could make him explode.
Ivar leaned forwards, elbows on his braced legs. “Why?”
“My family…they live here now. You don’t remember?” Those last few words were pronounced with a little bit more strength. “They left Kattegat after Lagertha took over the throne, out of respect for your mother.”
Ivar scoffed, as if you were insulting him. “Of course, I remember. But surely, they can wait a little longer. I need you here.”
“You don’t need me, King Ivar. You have a powerful army to defend Kattegat, you are King, you have a wife that you can cherish and love, a baby on the way who will make you proud…there is no need for an old friend in this picture.”
Each word made your heart clench, reminding you when he said them to you, when he assured you would be the one next to him, cherished and loved.
I can break a bone but I can never break a promise. Well he broke one, even two since he promised he would bring back your family as soon as he had won Kattegat. But he did not.
“Besides, you above all should know how family is important.”
You knew he could not deny your wish after that…and he knew it too, judging by the way his shoulders had suddenly tensed.
“Very well…if that is your wish, you may leave whenever you are ready.”
“Thank you, King Ivar.” A stiff bow and you were gone.
The victory was bittersweet. It was a relief that he had let you go with no other complaints but your heart hoped for something else, for him to fight for you and prove he loved you as much as you loved him. The harsh reality was that he did not love you, he even probably never had. Nothing was keeping you here.
“You’re sure about this?”
Hivtserk had been asking you the same question for a week now. You never changed your answer.
“Yes, Hvitserk. I’m sure.”
You were finally ready to go; you had managed to pack a few things and enough food for the journey. Some fishermen had agreed to take you on their boat so that you could cross the sea. After that, you would walk for a few days through the woods before reaching Ribe.
“At least, let me come with you. It might be dangerous.”
You scoffed. “Don’t insult me, Ragnarsson. I’m a shieldmaiden, I have weapons. I can handle some wanderers.”
When he was ready to protest again, you approached him and cupped his chubby cheeks between your hands. “The only way I’d let you come was if you promised to stay.”
He put his hands on yours and let out a deep sigh. “You know that’s impossible. I can’t leave him alone in this town. He would probably not let me anyways.”
You closed your eyes, letting your forehead fall against his. “Please, be careful.”
Hvitserk had lost some of his joy along the way. Ivar was treating him like a dog and he had Margrethe killed. Revenge was boiling in the older brother’s heart.
You could not blame him. Ivar was scaring his people, imposing his views and getting rid of the one who did not agree with them. He was the perfect definition of a tyrant. Two things could happen to tyrants; they either ended up alone or killed by their own people. You did not want to be there when it would happen to Ivar, because it would happen.
Hvitserk gently kissed your forehead, bringing you back to reality. It was time to go.
“Do you want me to walk you to the port?”
“No… I wouldn’t want to see you cry.” You added, a smirk appearing on your face.
Hvitserk smiled. It had been a long time since it happened. “You’re the one who will cry and you know it.”
He let go of you and walked to the door. “Take care of yourself.”
“You too, Hvit.”
Alon in the house here you had grown up, you took some time to watch every corner of the place and finally stepped out of it.
“I guess you are ready to leave.”
You looked up abruptly. Ivar was standing there, leaning on his crutch. Nobody was with him, not even with Whitehair who had become his shadow.
He came. The King came alone to say goodbye…Something fluttered in your belly and you tried your best to ignore it. There was no place for that anymore, no in the current situation.
“I came to say goodbye.” He said awkwardly.
You waited for something else, anything else – an apology, a sign that he still cared somehow. Nothing.
“Goodbye, then.” A sad smile stretched your lips. You looked down and started walking. You did not wish to make eye contact when you would go past him. But when you reached him, a gloved hand touched your arm and you had no chance but to look up.
He seemed conflicted and sad. Why would he be? He was not the one with the broken heart here. “I meant those words, you know…about loving you.”
You tensed and he ran his thumb over your skin as if he had sensed your emotional state. His touch burned.
“But I fell in love with Freydis and I wasn’t prepared for what it made me feel.”
You closed your eyes, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. You definitely did not want to hear her name right now. You gave him another sad smile and let out a shaky breath. “I’ll find someone else to love, don’t worry about me. It seems easy to do apparently.”
He reached for your hand and squeezed it. “You could stay…I would make you my second wife. Freydis would remain Queen of course but you could be my princess.”
If he was thinking his proposition was making you happy, he was deadly wrong. You were sure he was doing this out of pity, not out of love. For the first time, you could feel what he would feel when people were looking at him whenever he was crawling in the mud.
Saddened and furious, you harshly pulled your hand away. “You don’t get it, do you? Unlike your wife, I don’t care about being Queen, I don’t care about Ivar the King or Ivar the God.”
He frowned. It was a very sensitive topic but you were too upset to care. You had to get everything out of your chest.
“The only one I’ve always cared about is the boy I met one day while he was sulking in a corner because nobody wanted to play with him, the boy I would pull around Kattegat in his little wooden chariot, the boy who would get up early in the morning to wake me up and accuse me of being a lazy ass; the young man who would train with his brothers, who would help me train so that I could become a great shieldmaiden by his side, who was not afraid to show his vulnerable side to Floki or his mother, who wanted to prove himself to his father, who fought to find a way to walk, who cried in my arms when his parents died, who swore he would avenge them; the man who regretted killing his brother in a fit of rage, the man who promised me on a hill that I would be his everything, the man who loved me. The only man I’ve ever loved and wanted to get married to is Ivar the Boneless…but I don’t think he’s in there anymore.” You added, pointing to his chest.
You were breathless, tears were rolling down your cheeks. You were well aware that your old friend could kill you right now. You were supposed to leave. Nobody would ever know.
Ivar seemed lost though, completely out of words for once.
Tentatively, you stretched out your hand and caressed his cheek. “Goodbye, Ivar”.
Almost running, you made your way to the port and embarked on the boat with the fishermen. Your tears only ceased when you arrived in Ribe, ready to face your new life…without him.