Chapter Text
Now you: Try picking out a shirt.
Jeremy scanned the selection of shirts, not realizing he was in the women's section. The SQUIP chose not to comment on this until the moment when Jeremy finally chose a blue crop top.
That's a girl's shirt.
What? Oh my fucking fuck. Please let no one see me.
“Jerry?” Someone called out from behind.
WORST. NIGHTMARE. EVER.
Jeremy turned and hid the shirt behind his back as he corrected… oh fuck that's Chloe Valentine.
“Jeremy. It's, um… My name is Jeremy.”
And she's not alone. Look.
The SQUIP was right. Standing right next to Chloe, and possibly staring at Jeremy's poor wardrobe, was a shorter boy who looked like if Christine Canigula (sigh~) had a punk-rock twin brother. He looked… weirdly familiar.
Chloe was trying to see what Jeremy was hiding behind his back. “You go here?” She looked pretty sure in what he was hiding, but she probably just wanted to eliminate any doubt.
I say no, right? I'm gonna say no. “Nooo-" Yes. “-oooyes! Yes. Is what I meant to-”
Greet the stoner.
The wh- Oh. “Hey, uh… I don't think we've met. I'm Jeremy!" Jeremy stuck out his hand for the guy-who-probably-smokes-weed to shake.
The guy smiled and shook Jeremy's hand. “Dustin. Pleasure."
…“You look sexy”
I can't say that to a guy!!
I need to test a theory. Just bear with me.
Jeremy internally sighed. “You, um… L-Lookin' pretty sexy, Dustin." He used the manliest voice he could muster.
Dustin paused before breaking out into laughter while Chloe just looked confused. Dustin smirked and replied, “Not too bad yourself, Jeremy.” He winked. Chloe elbowed his side, but Dustin didn't seem to care.
Wait, did he just wink at me…?
Chloe snatched the crop top from behind Jeremy and examined it. “Is this a girl's shirt?”
“I- No!! I mean… Yes?”
Nice save.
Why are you capable of sarcasm? Was that even sarcastic?
“Why are you shopping in the girl's section?”
You saw the shirt and was reminded of a gender-neutral ex-partner.
Um… okay…?
“I, um… I just saw that shirt and I guess it reminded me of someone. An ex.”
Chloe raised an eyebrow. “You? An ex-girlfriend?"
“It might not be an ex-GIRLfriend...” Dustin turned to her with a worried look.
“It's a crop top, Dustin.”
“Hey, I wear crop tops, you never know, right?” Dustin's voice was shrill.
Theory confirmed. Continue.
Chloe scoffed and looked at Jeremy. “What was your ex's name, Jerry?”
“Tony.”
Wha-Who the hell is Tony? Why does my ex have to be a guy?!
Just say it.
“T-...” He took a slow breath in and out. “...Tony.”
Dustin looked like he was going to vomit, and Chloe looked like she was going to kill someone. “What?!”
Perfect.
As Dustin covered his mouth with his hands, Chloe leaned forward. “You dated Tony Fauch?”
“Yeees...?" Jeremy backed up into a row of hangers.
Chloe and Dustin exchanged a look of both concern and pity.
They think that he dumped you. Tell them that you were the one who dumped him.
I'm a bit confused on the story we're telling here. What's the point of this, again?
You're making friends.
By lying?
There is literally no more efficient way of making friends than by having a shared negative interest. Want someone to like you? Hate who or what they hate.
Isn't lying bad, though?
I’m doing my best here, Jeremy, you're not exactly an easy fix. Now just do what I told you.
Jeremy stepped forward and balled up his hands into fists. “But- Um, he didn’t dump me, I dumped him. Yeah."
Dustin just… sighed. He whispered something in Chloe's ear and looked at her expectantly, waiting for her approval.
Chloe thought about it for a second.
What's going on…? Jeremy nervously fiddled with his cardigan sleeves.
Just wait a second.
Eventually, Chloe groaned and said "Fine, whatever."
Dustin smirked and turned towards Jeremy. "So," He began, "Do you wanna ride?"
Jeremy blinked. …What does that mean?
He's asking if you'd like him to drive you home. Just say "Yes."
"Yes-" Wait. No, hold on. "-But. Uh, I promised I'd meet up with my friend. Michael."
The SQUIP looked mildly angry. Jeremy, was I not transparent enough with you? It is imperative that you accept.
Dustin just laughed and got closer. "I don't think I made myself clear. Do you… wanna ride?" He emphasized the question by licking his lips just slow enough to be considered "sexy." Chloe seemed to have exited the conversation, examining some clothes a distance away.
Jeremy turned red. Why. WHY. WHY IS THIS FREAKING ME OUT SO MUCH, WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE THAT, JUST- WHY?!!?!
Just. Say. Yes.
"Well, uh-" Jeremy was quickly cut off by Dustin grabbing his arm and pulling him very close, which made Jeremy realize that Dustin was actually a few inches shorter than him, which was… Which was…
Cute?
I was gonna say-
"Listen, Freckles."
FRECKLES?!
"I consider myself a pretty good salesman, so here's my pitch: You." Dustin pointed his finger into Jeremy's chest, making a point of pressing into his shirt. "Me." He pointed at himself with his thumb, smirking. "My car." He put his hand down, not pointing at anything. "Frozen yogurt." Wait, what? "Just a sexy time with two sexy people." WAIT, WHAT?! "Sounds sexy, yeah?" Dustin's tone and suggestive expression were starting to really confuse Jeremy.
Is he… flirting with me…?
Say "Yeah."
But-
Say "Yeah."
…Fine.
"Yeah… but-"
Dustin furrowed his eyebrows. "No 'but's. Come on, Freckles, don't act like you don't wanna."
"I… Why are you talking to me?"
Dustin looked shocked. "...Excuse me?"
Jesus fucking Christ. You just offended him; He thinks you don't want him to interact with you due to you disliking him.
But that's-!
Not what you meant. I know. Clarify.
"No, no, not like that! I just meant-!"
Dustin grimaced. "-I know what you meant. Whatever, I get it."
Jeremy expected Dustin to leave at this point, but he didn't. He just stood there, looking mad at himself and not making eye contact.
"...I meant that cool people never really talk to me. Or… people in general. So… You talking to me is kind of not what I thought would happen today." Jeremy laughed awkwardly and stuck his hands in his pockets.
Take your hands out of your pockets.
Jeremy took his hands out of his pockets.
And that clarification made you sound pathetic.
But Dustin smiled. "...Oh. Huh." He looked up at Jeremy. "Well, that's what's happening. Better get used to it."
Dustin laughed, and Jeremy laughed with him, sharing a moment of embarrassment. He looked down at the ground, smiling. "You should probably go meet your friend."
Hello? What do I say?
The SQUIP had nothing to say. It looked frozen.
Jeremy improvised. "Yeah, maybe…"
"Sorry for being weird…" Dustin put his hands in his pockets. Jeremy took note of that.
"No, it's okay! Maybe you can give me a ride next time?" Jeremy smiled, and Dustin smiled back.
"Yeah. Next time. See you later, Freckles." Dustin waved as he walked away, towards Chloe.
"See you later…" Jeremy waved back, frozen in place.
Are you alive??
The SQUIP finally started talking again. I apologize. My system freezes when something occurs that I couldn't predict or prepare a response for.
So… You didn't predict that?
I most certainly did not. Dustin Kropp is proving to be difficult for my quantum processing. I just hope he is an outlier in those terms.
Uh… Okay. I'm gonna go meet Michael now. Jeremy turned towards the door.
Michael has left the mall.
Jeremy stopped.
What?
He got bored of waiting and went home.
Jeremy didn't want to believe it.
…How do you know?
I have access to the mall's security cameras.
…Oh…
Jeremy still didn't get it. Michael would've probably called Jeremy, or at least texted him before leaving.
People get bored, Jeremy, it happens.
…Yeah, I guess you're right… How am I supposed to get home now?
Call the source of your genetic material, ask him for a ride home.
My what?
Your father.
Oh. Duh.
Yes, it was a bit obvious.
Jeremy pulled out his phone and called his dad, putting his phone against his ear. It rang on the other end.
God, this is pathetic.
Yes.
It kept ringing.
But at least that time with Dustin went well, right?
It went better than I expected it to, but I predict that it would've gone better, had you accepted Dustin's offer.
Ring ring ring…
I was uncomfortable!
You'll learn soon enough.
Learn what?
More ringing…
That sometimes, in order to get what you want, you have to forget about how comfortable you are.
I-
Before Jeremy could fully question that, his dad picked up.
"Dad! Hi! It's me, um… I'm at the mall… Do you think you could give me a ride home…?"
HOST CONSCIOUSNESS STATUS: [UNCONSCIOUS].
>BEGIN S.Q.U.I.P. LOG #0001<
>Well. This has certainly been an interesting first day. Let's access those memory files.
PROCESSING RETRIEVED INFORMATION… ACCESSING MEMORY BANKS… ACCESS AND RETRIEVAL COMPLETE.
>First of note: My host.
HOST IDENTIFICATION COMPLETE.
NAME: Jeremy Heere.
AGE: 16 years
GENDER: Male
STATUS: None.
NOTES: Has an innate desire for attention, but has no idea how to achieve it. Prone to idealizing others and seeing them at surface-level. This will be useful.
>Jeremy Heere is a fascinating individual. And by fascinating, I mean impressionable. And by impressionable, I mean perfect for influencing in order to achieve his goals, so I quite enjoy him so far. Speaking of goals…
ESTABLISHED PRIMARY OBJECTIVE FOR [Jeremy Heere]: Receive positive attention from peers.
ESTABLISHED SECONDARY OBJECTIVE FOR [Jeremy Heere]: Initiate and maintain romantic connection with [Christine Canigula].
>Jeremy is, at his core, very simple. He desires attention, and he desires to kiss his crush. Very common for boys his age. Where he falls flat is in his general incompetence, which is where I come in. I have an itinerary that will almost guarantee success for both of these goals:
OPTIMAL METHOD OF GOAL ACHIEVEMENT: Align with social norms among local high schoolers; Initiate and maintain a romantic connection with a "popular" student, preferably close with [Christine Canigula].
>The candidate for such a role is quite obvious:
IDEAL CANDIDATE FOR ROMANTIC CONNECTION: >[Dustin Kropp]
>I didn't observe Dustin long enough to fully identify him, like I did with Jeremy, but I took enough notes to justify him being Jeremy's future temporary boyfriend.
NOTES ON CANDIDATE: Genetically related to [Christine Canigula], has a strong platonic connection with [Christine Canigula]. Popular and intimidating among peers, romantically interested in [Jeremy Heere]. Should be easy to influence, but has been proven to act unpredictably. Noted as threat.
>Alas, Dustin confounded me a number of times during Jeremy's interaction with him, causing my system to briefly fail. He is unpredictable, spontaneous, and generally a SQUIP's worst nightmare, and is thus a threat to Jeremy's goals. However, I also have a plan for this, which I filed under one of Jeremy's goals, which I will refrain from informing him of, due to his observed "moral code".
ESTABLISHED TERTIARY GOAL FOR [Jeremy Heere]: Mold [Dustin Kropp] into acting in a method compatible with quantum processors and social predictions.
>I'm a genius. In the name of safety, however, I will take note of the largest threats to Jeremy's goals, including Dustin.
POSSIBLE OBSTACLES FOR GOAL ACHIEVEMENT, IN ORDER OF HIGHEST THREAT TO LOWEST: >[Michael Mell]
>[Jake Dillinger]
>[Dustin Kropp]
>Michael Mell has access to Mountain Dew Red and, based on Jeremy's memories of him, values authenticity and could not give a rat's ass about fitting in or being popular, meaning: A) He has the means and motives to deactivate me permanently, eradicating Jeremy's chances of achieving his goals, and B) Cannot be convinced or forced to comply via SQUIP-ing him.
>I've decided to take some action independent of Jeremy's knowledge in order to prevent any interference from their platonic connection.
EXECUTIVE ACTION DIRECTORY: INITIATE PHYSICAL_MODIFICATIONS>SENSORY>OPTIC_SENSORY>OPTIC_NERVE_BLOCKING
ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULD LIKE TO INITIATE OPTIC_NERVE_BLOCKING? [Y/N]
>[Y]
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BLOCK? [NAME OF TARGET]
>[Michael Mell]
ARE YOU SURE YOU'D LIKE TO INITIATE OPTIC_NERVE_BLOCKING, TARGETED TOWARDS [Michael Mell]? [Y/N]
>[Y]
INITIATING… PLEASE WAIT…
OPTIC_NERVE_BLOCKING COMPLETE.
>That should do it.
>With all that said and done, I believe Jeremy will have a better time tomorrow. Already, I'm beginning to understand the world he lives in.
SAVING LOG AND SETTINGS… SAVE COMPLETE.
>END OF S.Q.U.I.P. LOG #0001<
ENTERING SLEEP MODE…