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It reminds me
of you.
Annoying.
Makoto is annoying, Haruka thinks. Every time he comes over with a sunny-sweet smile and his ever flowing voice, Haruka sinks deeper into his tub, annoyed at his insistence. He doesn't need to do anything other than fade away into the water, disappear into it until he and the water are one in the same.
(He and the water are already the same. He has already hurt Rin because of the water, because he couldn't contain himself. Why bother getting out of it if he's just going to hurt people again and again?)
But when he sees Makoto, he's annoyed. Annoyed at how he acts like Haruka can't see the tiredness in his eyes, the thinning of his smile, the slow emptiness that consumes him the more he spends time around Haruka. He doesn't understand why Makoto bothers to come to him when he's worn thin, why Makoto tries to pull him out, why Makoto stays, even though he's the one losing.
He doesn't ask. He knows Makoto can see his question, but Makoto never answers, shifts his eyes away with a smile, and Haruka hates that the most, the way Makoto tries to block him out. They both know it never works that way, they both see each other wearing thin, and Haruka thinks that Makoto wouldn't be like this if he didn't come over. If Makoto just left him alone, then Haruka would fade away into the water, and then Makoto would be himself again. He wouldn't be losing his smile or the brightness in his eyes, the wonder and spark of the sun that Haruka can recognize even in the dark.
Haruka thinks he's ruining him slowly, that Makoto is ruining himself by coming over to check on him. Just let me fade into the water, he tries to say, but he's underwater, and Makoto can only see the air that comes out of his lungs, bubbling.
(You shouldn't worry about me. You're fading. Go away. You're better that way.)
But Makoto keeps coming back, no matter what Haruka does, no matter what he says. Makoto's stubbornness is a pain, and Haruka eventually lets him keep coming, even though he hates watching his smile thin out, disappear, turn into something only vaguely similar to before. He hates knowing that Makoto is falling with him, underwater, into a depth that he doesn't understand. He hates how Makoto will follow him, nobody should follow him into the dark, but Makoto does, the light he gives flickering in and out the further Haruka goes. He can't close him out, Makoto doesn't let him, sticks his hand in the door and lets it be crushed so long as there's still a crack left open.
Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen.
Makoto does not always come over anymore, and he finds it annoying.
(He's disappearing. His fault, again, for pushing him away. There's no reason for him to miss his used to be constant presence, there's no reason to be anything but brittle.)
He still comes over, still hovers over him, but not as often, not when he's worn down. It's like he's resolved to hide that part from Haruka, even though Haruka sees the effects of it, the small smile that's nowhere near before.
It's your fault for staying, he thinks, your fault.
Which is why no matter what, he doesn't soften, not until Nagisa barrels in and Makoto laughs, and a small spark returns to his eyes, and Haruka lets himself be dragged along.
(It's not just for the pool, though Haruka wants to be in one, definitely, it's been so long. But he has more control than that, if it weren't for Nagisa's wide eyed begging and Makoto's gentle smile, one that's almost reminiscent to before--)
Rin swims, and the relief is endless. He's aggressive and rude, but what matters is he swims. There's a weight off his shoulders, at least until he puts it back, pushy as always, selfish as always, even though Haruka knows there's more than just selfishness there.
"You will swim for me," and Haruka bears that, because maybe then Rin will finally be better.
(He's still underwater, drifting in the blackness. He'd been reaching up a little, but bitten and pulled back down, and at least there, he's comfortable. He's being eaten away, but it's fine.)
Stop lying to me. He looks at Makoto, who smiles looking away, uncomfortable. Why won't you say what you really think?
The ocean, you're still afraid of the ocean, why are you doing this for them? He doesn't ask, but he thinks of all the questions he wants answered that Makoto avoids. What are you seeing that I'm not? It's like they've gone back in time, to the relay, when he didn't know what Makoto saw in it. He goes along with it because there's something Makoto won't tell him, and Haruka's never let anything stay that way for long.
(Because he's worried. Because Makoto never cares enough about himself, and ends up pulling Haruka along, because if Haruka didn't make sure, he's certain Makoto would sacrifice everything.
Annoying. Such a busy body.
The words carry no bite.)
Makoto, he thinks, peering outside, looking through the rain. Something, a single sound, an uncomfortable twisting in his gut, a warning. The ocean. Haruka swims out and finds himself praying that he'll make it in time, that Rei and Nagisa will be fine, that Makoto will wake up. Makoto, he thinks, Makoto, Makoto, Makoto--
--He doesn't look good. He doesn't look like he can keep breathing. Haruka finds himself paralyzed for the first time, completely unable to move, not even able to think, to reach out, he can't-- Makoto can't--
He has to take a moment to try and think. For his sake. He can't do this if he can't think.
(If any god, any god at all, the gods of the sea, the gods of water that his grandmother used to tell him of -- if any are listening, please. Please.)
His weak cough is a blessing.
(Makoto, you idiot. Worry about yourself.
The chaos he feels is a surprise all on its own. He hadn't expected to be so shaken up.)
When Makoto says, "It's meaningless without you!", Haruka realizes that Makoto has always carried all his fears and all his worries, and all for what? A moment to swim with him? To feel the water the same way? All just for that? He's carried such a heavy weight, just for him?
(Something stirs, down in the deep. Something in the darkness, he feels the water around him stir with an unknown presence. A little light.)
Never again, Rin had said, why had he said that? Haruka had thought-- thought that this would mean things would be better, again, that this would mean Rin had forgiven him, that things would go back.
(All he wants is for Rin to smile and swim. He doesn't want to feel this weight anymore, this guilt anymore, and yet, hearing Rin say that, he realizes, he wants Rin's friendship too, like before.)
He doesn't hear the announcement of the next race. He considers going home and sinking into the tub, back to where he started -- but Nagisa drags him out, insists until he follows, too tired to argue. Hurries him, annoys him, until he looks towards the pool and his eyes are drawn towards the lead -- Makoto.
The fierceness, the will -- it's different. It's not a side of Makoto he sees often, and so he stares, almost feeling mesmerized until Makoto looks up at him, surprised, and Haruka turns his head away.
His late night swim is full of empty thoughts, whys, what ifs. They aren't like him. This isn't who he is, this empty feeling, and so he climbs out and heads home, prepared to sleep, ready to soak in the tub the next morning--
(--prepared to go back and sink into the dark--)
--Only to find Makoto sleeping against the wall, phone in hand.
He wouldn't hold it if he didn't want Haruka to look, that's what he feels, and so he looks, and there's a voicemail -- strange, stranger still the caller ID, what had happened to Nagisa?
(Every word, every addition of a voice, every moment reminds Haruka that he's-- that people are there, relying on him. Wanting him to be there, wanting his presence, needing him--
--It's meaningless without you--
--Why had Makoto swam so fiercely? With such will?
For what? To swim with him?)
There's a swell of something in his chest, something warm and soothing, something that eases the pain of before. Something that makes him feel gentle, and not so conflicted, something that heals.
(Makoto has always been good at making him feel something warm like that, has always been like the sun.)
And so he tells him, when Makoto gives him that sunny eyed, dreamy smile, and it's just like the smile he'd lost when Haruka had sank into the deep, brighter even, he tells him that he was happy. He tells him that being with them, being with him, all of it had touched him.
(That he had found light and Makoto's hand waiting for him to reach back, and that he had grasped it, that he understands the joy Makoto finds in being with him in the water. That he's come up from the dark.)
It's not enough, Haruka thinks when he lies there, thinks of how if it weren't for Makoto, he wouldn't have ever been there, wouldn't have reached out to anyone, wouldn't have felt the way he does now, but even as a whisper, he feels like his words are heavier than they are. There's more than appreciation, something warm and heavy and wonderful in his heart, but so new that he can't handle it.
Rin, he worries for. Rin, he sees, is in the place he was, Rin is in the dark, and Haruka -- Haruka doesn't want to see him experience that, doesn't want to experience that again, wants to pull Rin out from the deep because he was pulled free in the same way.
He doesn't let go of Makoto's hand until Rin comes barreling towards him and hugs him, and Haruka allows it, because that means Rin had been saved. Warmth fills him when Makoto and Nagisa join in. When he glances at the stands and sees Rei, he remembers to thank him later, for giving him that opportunity.
(Makoto, he can't help but think of sometimes, think of that moment at the front step of the door and feel that heavy but pleasant warmth. Can't help but want to be a little closer, enough to feel the brush of his shirt against his skin when they stand next to each other, sit next to each other, he smiles without meaning to, the warmth making him soft and gentle and strangely enough, happy. And when Makoto smiles back, a smile still like the sun, a renewed hope, Haruka basks in it.)
(Makoto, he's grateful for. Nagisa, Rei, Rin, Gou too, he's grateful for them, for light, for a hand, for forgiveness, for it all.)
(But sometimes the sun goes away, goes and sinks into the horizon, and needs to be found again.)