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“Do you miss it?”
He is tired. His throat has been sore the whole day and he probably shouldn’t be talking. Yibo told him that earlier today.
“All Zhan-ge needs to do today is smile. I’ll take care of the rest,” he said.
He really did. And he even made sure Xiao Zhan got to his hotel room safely and helped him into bed.
And then said he wouldn’t leave until Xiao Zhan falls asleep.
Today has been exhausting. He is not sure how he will handle tomorrow. He will have to say goodbye, again. How many times has it been already? Every time it seems like the final, but it never is.
It can’t let go of him. He can’t let go of this.
He left too much of himself in that character. Has poured too much of his own heart in the warm smiles and the longing looks.
Now, when he has his own studio, he has more control over his projects. He is more free in what he is doing. Not like YiBo, who can’t take a step if it is not included in his schedule.
Who still, however, manages to perform some little rebel acts by saying something borderline on not allowed.
Xiao Zhan can have the luxury of deciding himself what he wants to do. And yet he is agreeing to almost every project, every interview, photoshooting, commercial that comes his way. Never getting enough sleep, working so much, always on the go, like he is running from something.
He doesn’t know what he is running from.
He opens his eyes and looks up at Yibo who is sitting on the edge of the bed, head hung and eyes looking unseeingly at his hands on his lap.
He is tired too, Xiao Zhan knows. It is hard to see but he knows where to look and sometimes he just wishes he didn’t have to.
Sometimes Xiao Zhan is not sure why they are doing that. Sometimes it seems to him that only madmen choose such job as theirs.
He knows if he wasn’t a bit mad they would have never met.
“Do you miss it?” He whispers, his voice hoarse and each word hurts its way up from his throat.
Yibo turns to him, blinking and focusing on his face instead of whatever thoughts have been occupying his mind.
“Miss what?”
They never talk about it. Xiao Zhan always wants to, it is an almost painful pressure somewhere deep within his chest. Every time they are asked about their characters and the time they were filming in CQL. Every time he leaves the stage wiping away the tears.
He wants to talk. He wants to know what Yibo thinks.
But he never asks.
Yibo is not an overthinker. He is not tend to dwell on something for too long either. He moves on, always moves on. Just sucks it up and goes on with his life. Always pushing forward.
Xiao Zhan admires this in him.
He doesn’t want to make him look back even more than their jobs require.
But he is too tired now. And Yibo is too quiet. And he doesn’t know when they will see each other again.
Funny. Even their meetings are defined by their working schedules.
They rarely even have time and energy to send each other something more than a short text, that is never answered at the same day it was sent.
They promised to call last time they saw each other.
They never had time.
“A-Ling,” Xiao Zhan says. “Do you miss it?”
He doesn’t need to clarify. It is not just the filming process he is talking about and he knows Yibo understands at least some of it.
There is more that he probably doesn’t.
Do you miss Lan WangJi? What about Wei WuXian? Do you miss being someone so deeply in love?
Do you miss being someone who was ready to leave everything behind in order to be with the person he loved?
Do you think you will ever be able to do such a thing?..
Yibo measures him with an unreadable look.
“Not now,” he says.
Xiao Zhan closes his eyes again and sighs against the pillow.
“When do you?” He asks.
There is a warm hand suddenly on his head, fingers combing gently through his hair.
“When Zhan-ge is not with me,” comes the answer.
Xiao Zhan squeezes his eyes until it almost hurts. A lone tear slides to his temple and gets lost in his hair.
“You don’t have to miss it either,” Yibo says simply. And Xiao Zhan wishes it was that easy for him either. Yibo’s hand moves lower and Xiao Zhan feels the gentle touch of the fingers on his cheek. “I’m here, Zhan-ge,” comes the soft whisper.
Xiao Zhan nods shortly and covers Yibo’s hand with his own.
Please, stay, he wants to answer, but he falls asleep before he can give it voice.