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Shouto closed his eyes, sighing to keep all the feelings inside himself at bay.
It felt like his chest had been ripped apart, like his heart was breaking into a million pieces and he couldn’t control it.
He couldn’t control himself .
He entered his apartment, feeling dead on his feet, and was immediately greeted by the sight of his roommate, playing video games in their living room, without a care in the world.
“‘Night, asshole,” Katsuki said, giving him an annoyed look before going back to his - probably more interesting than Shouto - game.
It made him sigh again.
“I lost civilians today,” Shouto decided to share, his soft voice not betraying all the pain inside his chest.
“Oh, that sucks.”
And that was enough for him to go to his room, phone in hand, calling his best friend while his hands were shaking violently.
He thought Katsuki was his friend.
They had been living together for a few months, after Midoriya and Kirishima got married. Shouto was tired of living with his family and Katsuki didn’t want to live with Kaminari. It was a good arrangement, both of them being able to get along well enough and share the bills.
And their lives, it seems.
Katsuki was talkative. He was always sharing everything with Shouto; about his day, about the annoying coworkers, about his fears and insecurities. His music and movies and books. And Shouto listened to it all, happy that his friend felt safe enough to talk to him and share his life.
But he also learned that Katsuki was not interested in him.
Whenever Shouto tried to do the same, his friend simply… didn’t care. Sometimes, like that incident in the living room, he didn’t care enough to even look at Shouto’s face, making him feel completely worthless. Like a burden. Like a bother.
Katsuki was a good person. He made sure Shouto had healthy food to eat and cooked him all his meals, every single day. Shouto never left home without a homemade bento, without a nice breakfast filling his stomach, and never came home without dinner already waiting for him.
Katsuki made sure he didn’t slack off with his paperwork or physical training, always incentivizing him to do more, to go beyond.
Katsuki took him to museums, parks and places Shouto had never visited before, giving him a whole new experiences and a lot of good memories.
And that only made Shouto feel worse, because he didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense.
How could a person seem to care about him but, at the same time, not give a damn ?
He didn’t know. He wasn’t good with social interactions, he didn’t know what he was doing wrong.
Katsuki shared everything, so why couldn’t Shouto do the same? Why was he so uninteresting, so bland and bothersome?
Maybe he was actually boring. His life and feelings and thoughts, his music and books, his movies… maybe it was all boring, too boring to have Katsuki’s attention.
Maybe he , Shouto, was too boring to have Katsuki’s attention. And that hurt. That hurt so much.
He could remember when he tried to show Katsuki his favorite series, only for his friend to roll his eyes and mutter about how bad it was. Shouto started watching it alone in his room, only to be called a weirdo by the other.
He remembered when he tried to tell Katsuki about his day, when he arrested the most dangerous villain in the city, only for his friend to keep scrolling on his phone and say something that sounded bored and dismissive.
And that list continued, getting bigger every time he thought about it. Katsuki never asked about him or his day, when Shouto always made sure to do so, to ask him how he was feeling and how his day went.
Katsuki never asked about his missions, never questioned when he didn’t go home to sleep, never listened to his rants about work. Or anything, really.
Katsuki didn’t care about who he, Shouto, was. And that hurt so much that it made him have trouble breathing, knowing that he was about to break down.
It hurt so much because Shouto loved him. And even knowing that Katsuki had no interest at all, Shouto still loved him.
Midoriya picked up the phone after five long rings, sounding excited to be talking to him again, and that hurt Shouto even more.
“Hey, Shouto! How are you doing?” The cheerful voice greeted him, and Shouto had to take a deep breath to hold himself back.
“Not good. Lost civilians today. I’m not… in a good shape. Can I come over?” he asked, not even knowing why he did so, but feeling the need to be close to people who actually cared about him. Like Midoriya and Kirishima.
He got really close to the redhead after he and Midoriya got together. Kirishima was caring, attentive and sensitive, a very good person, and Shouto considered him a dear friend.
He was also Katsuki’s best friend, but that was irrelevant at that moment.
“Oh, Shouto… of course you can. Do you want me to pick you up?”
“No. I can drive. I’ll be there in a minute.”
And Shouto left him room after picking up a change of clothes and stuffing it carelessly inside his bag. He passed the kitchen, noticing that Katsuki was cooking, and that, for some reason, made him want to cry .
“Hey asshole, dinner is almost ready,” he said, clearly distracted, and Shouto’s heart soared in pain.
“I’m going to Midoriya’s.”
His voice sounded just as dead as his expression, and Katsuki turned to look at him with a heavy frown.
“What the fuck?! What are you going to do there with that nerd and Shitty Hair?!” the blond yelled, clearly affronted, and Shouto clenched his fists to keep his feelings under control.
“To talk,” Shouto replied, coldly, and Katsuki turned his whole body in his direction.
“What? You can talk to me!”
“No, Katsuki,” he replied, feeling almost hysterical as he turned to walk towards the door. “I really can’t.”
And he gave Katsuki his back, walking out of their home and ignoring the indignant yells of “ what is that supposed to mean?” that followed him through the corridors.
It hurt too much to acknowledge it.
-
Katsuki’s whole body deflated when he watched Shouto walk away. His heart was threatening to explode from how fast and painfully it was beating, making him breathe deeply to try and control it.
What was going on? What did he do wrong this time?
He turned the fire off, giving up on finishing cooking. He didn’t really like cold soba and honestly didn’t feel like eating anymore. It was for Shouto, so he could feel better about his bad day.
So he could tell Katsuki what he was feeling. Losing civilians was never easy and Katsuki watched the news. He knew what happened. And Shouto’s absolutely wrecked look when he got home made him trace a plan to make the other feel better.
Apparently, he failed. And failed hard, because Shouto was not there. Shouto left him to be with Deku and Kirishima. Shouto… walked away from him, from their home.
It hurt. Hell, it hurt so fucking much that Katsuki felt tears pooling on his eyes, threatening to fall. And he let them; no one was there to see. No one was there for him to pretend to be strong.
No one was there.
Maybe it was better this way, so his hopes would crash and burn all at once. Maybe he didn’t deserve to have someone like Shouto, someone so precious and perfect, in his life. Maybe Shouto didn’t feel the same… maybe Katsuki was simply making a fool of himself.
He didn’t know how long he stayed there, looking at the door with his hand fisting his shirt, like he was trying to reach his heart unconsciously to try and ease the pain.
The ring of his phone took him out of his torpor, making him search for it and answer, anxiously, thinking that maybe Shouto changed his mind and wanted to be picked up somewhere.
But it was Kirishima.
A furious, livid , Kirishima.
“What did you do, dude?!” his friend yelled at him, shocking Katsuki deep into his core. Kirishima never treated him like that. Ever. “What the fuck did you do?!”
“What the hell?”
“Dude. No. Seriously. I’ve known you for years. You are my best friend and I love you to death. But how could you?”
Those words sent Katsuki into a full blown panic attack. What did he do? What happened? What did he do?
“The fuck?” he inquired, his voice weak as he tried to breathe and keep himself under control.
“He just lost seven civillians! And you told him that it sucked ?! I thought you were getting better, man! I thought you loved him enough to overcome you assholery and be decent to him! Wow, dude, he was already a mess and you just wrecked him a bit more. Did you know he had feelings for you? That was just downright cruel!”
Kirishima was still yelling when Katsuki dropped the phone, his panic attack getting so much worse that he couldn’t even hold the device any longer. Not that he cared.
He fucked up, he fucked up bad , and he lost him. Shouto… left him. Katsuki lost him. He fucked up. It was all his fault. He hurt Shouto when he needed Katsuki’s support the most. He drove Shouto away.
It was all his fault. He fucked up. Again.
It was all his fault.
Cruel. Cold. Unlovable .
He lost it all.
-
Shouto didn’t understand when a distressed Kirishima entered the room, his face pale, as he looked for his car keys.
“Babe? What happened?” Midoriya asked, worried, touching his husband’s hand to get his attention.
“I think I fucked up. I have to fix it,” he said, leaving both Shouto and Midoriya more confused. “It’s Katsuki. I think I went too far with him.”
“What do you mean?” Shouto asked, instantly worried, standing up from the couch.
“No time to explain. But I might need you to come with me. We will take your car,” Kirishima told him, giving Midoriya a quick kiss before grabbing Shouto’s arm. “You stay here, babe. It will be worse if he sees you there.”
“Please, don’t leave me in the dark! Text me when you can!”
“Sure! Love you!”
And they were basically running towards Shouto’s car, confusion and worry making him frown.
“What’s going on?” he demanded when they entered the vehicle, making Kirishima sigh.
“Katsuki has panic attacks and anxiety disorder. I may have yelled at him a bit too much and he stopped replying. And I heard him breathing. It was one of the bad ones.”
Shouto nodded, hiding his shock over that information. He didn’t know about that… out of everything Katsuki told him, that was not one of them.
“He also has abandonment issues, hence why he tries to not get attached to people, so I might have triggered him hard and fuck, I need to fix it, Shouto. He was doing so much better…”
And Shouto didn’t know what to say. He really didn’t. He didn’t know about Katsuki’s issues, he didn’t know anything apparently, and that made him feel like a fool.
They arrived at his apartment in record time. Shouto didn’t give a damn about the speed limit at that moment. He rushed inside, Kirishima right by his side.
And the sight that greeted him made his heart break all over again.
Katsuki was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees, his head hidden on his arms as he struggled to breathe.
Shouto didn’t think twice.
He kneeled before Katsuki, taking him in his arms and lifting him up. His advantaged height and muscle mass made it easier since Katsuki was smaller than him.
He took his friend to the couch, placing him down on his lap and holding him tight, not enough to make him feel caged or have more trouble breathing, but enough so Katsuki would know he was not alone.
“Breathe with me. You are safe, we are here. Breathe with me,” he said, breathing deeply and putting Katsuki’s hand on his chest so he could feel it.
“Shouto?” the blond asked, confused, and Kirishima was right there beside him, touching Katsuki’s shoulders and making his presence known.
“We are here, dude. We’ve got you. Breathe with us, my man. Everything is going to be alright.”
And they stayed there, calming him down, breathing with him until Katsuki’s heartbeat returned to normal and he was coherent again. Shouto had no idea how long it took and he didn’t care to know.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you like that,” Kirishima apologized, looking like he had been punched.
“I deserved it,” Katsuki’s voice was so raspy that Kirishima went to their kitchen to fetch him a glass of water. “You can let go now, Shouto. I don’t need to look more pathetic than I already do.”
Shouto didn’t. In fact, he held him closer, Katsuki’s weakened state not letting him protest more effectively.
“I’m sorry for leaving.”
And he was. He really was.
“You had every right to do so.”
Kirishima got back to the room with an ashamed look, offering the glass of water to Katsuki sheepishly.
“Oh, dude, you were cooking him cold soba…” the red haired said with a soft voice.
“Didn’t want to make you feel shitty. I wanted to make you feel better. I’m sorry if I suck. With words,” Katsuki stated, looking at Shouto with a vulnerability that made the taller man feel absolutely weak . “I know I fucked up. You deserve better, but I… I’m trying.”
“It’s okay, Katsuki.”
“No, it’s not, dammit!”
Kirishima took the glass away from Katsuki’s hand after the blond downed it in one go.
“I think you guys should talk. I’ll ask Izuku to pick me up, but you guys really should talk it all out. And we will talk later, bro.”
Kirishima stood up, seeing himself out while Shouto remained looking at Katsuki, not knowing what to say or do. His friend was going to cook his favorite food to comfort him and he just left.
“I was feeling overwhelmed and thought you didn’t care,” he decided to say, not being one to beat around the bush.
“Why the fuck would you think that?”
Shouto took a deep breath to calm himself, because he knew he was going to need it. It wouldn’t be fair to Katsuki if he kept hiding things from him.
“You never seem to care when I share things with you. It never seems to interest you. My likes and dislikes, my thoughts, my days… it’s all irrelevant to you.”
Katsuki flinched visibly, holding himself like he wanted to simply disappear.
“That’s not true…I’m not good with words. I care ,” he said, looking at his own arms like he couldn’t face Shouto anymore. And that hurt.
“You ignore everything I try to show you. You ignore my tastes and thoughts, but I’ve always been here for you. I’ve always listened to you and enjoyed your things. You made me feel… irrelevant.”
Shouto noticed that Katsuki’s body was trembling and he looked like he was about to cry, hiding his face with his hands while frustration seemed to take over.
“I’m so fucking dumb ! I was… I was trying to show you how awesome I am, to make you admire me, to catch your attention. And I made you feel like you didn’t matter! How fucking stupid is that?!” Katsuki yelled, going off on Shouto in a fit of anger. “I wanted you to see me , to fall in love with me, but I made you feel irrelevant.”
And Shouto’s heart skipped a beat, his eyes widening as he heard those anguished words.
“Katsuki… I’ve been in love with you for years,” he said, his voice shaking as he reached out to touch the distressed blond. “I just thought… you weren’t interested.”
“Oh, fucking hell, Shouto, I’m so fucking sorry!”
Katsuki was on him in a second, taking his lips in a passionate and desperate kiss. Shouto held his waist, pulling him close, tasting him, feeling him like he had always craved.
“I love you so fucking much. Wanted to impress you,” Katsuki said, spreading kisses all over Shouto’s face and wetting him with the tears that fell from his beautiful, tormented eyes. “Wanted to make you see I was good enough for you.”
“You idiot.”
And they laughed, a laughter full of relief and pain and desperation. And love .
Shouto didn’t let him go that night. They slept together, exploring each others bodies, apologizing and making promises.
Shouto didn’t let him go. Nor did he leave. Ever again.