Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Shayne had just finished writing a new script, and boy, was he proud of it! He walked to the new printer room Ian had gotten. Well, the room wasn’t new. It was just a small closet-like space that happened to have a new printer in it. ‘We can now print several things at once and use all sorts of colors! It uses that Earth-efficient ink stuff Shaquille O’Neal used to advertise too. Cool, huh?’ Ian had enthused earlier. When Shayne got there, he was mildly surprised. The printer was huge and had at least 8 openings for papers to come out. 

“It really can print several things at once, huh?” Shayne quietly spoke to no one in particular. He turned it on and pushed the button to O.K. the print. Then he waited. He waited a few minutes before wondering what was wrong. The printer had made a few noises after he O.K.-ed the print, but that was it. “Is it done?” He walked around the large, high-tech printer on its pedestal-like thing and checked every opening. No script had printed. “That’s odd. Is it jammed already?” He opened the top to find the scanner. “Nope.” Then he slid open the bottom and found that it was fully stocked with paper. “So that’s not the issue,” he confusedly pointed out to himself. He opened the middle and was mesmerized by a green light shining from the inside, almost like kryptonite or something. “Woah,” he murmured, utterly captivated by the beautiful lime green light. He suddenly realized he was shrinking and his thoughts started disappearing or combining until everything was a complete mess. “Wha-”

Chapter Text

“Do you guys know where Shayne went?” Courtney asked as she peeked her head in the doorway of the Smosh Games crew’s office. They all looked around at each other and shook their heads. Damien, however, spun around in his wheelie hair and responded.

“Um, I think he went to print his new script. It sounds like a good one, too.” She beamed at him.

“M‘kay, thanks.” She went into the ‘print room’ and heard high-pitched giggles. Sounds like a baby. Y’know what, Matt’s probably just messing with us. “Shayne? Shayne?” She called. She stepped into the room and looked around until she noticed his clothes in a pile on the floor with a moving lump underneath. What the f*ck, Shayne! This is the Smoffice, not your bathroom! But the giggles were louder. “Shayne?” She walked over and picked up Shayne’s shirt, and sitting on his pants was a baby, wearing only a diaper. “Jesus. Mother. F***ing. Christ.” The baby had beautiful ocean blue eyes and a tiny bit of fluffy blonde hair. “Shayne?” The baby looked up and giggled, flapping his arms like a bird. I remember Shayne saying he did that as a child… sh*t. What happened? She picked up the baby ( Shayne? ) and walked out to the entryway of the Smoffice. “Guys, we’ve got a problem.” Noah, without looking up from his phone, asked the question everyone else was wondering.

“Where’s Shayne?” Courtney took a deep breath. 

“That’s our problem.” Shayne giggled in her arms as if on cue and everyone looked up confusedly.

“Aw h*ll no! Don’t pull that on me!” Keith shouted, jumping up from the couch and running to stand on the other side of Noah.

“That’s not Shayne,” Olivia insisted, but she was only trying to convince herself.

“What the f*ck, Courtney, go get Shayne!” Noah chuckled, looking back at his phone. She held Shayne on her hip and he giggled again at the three adults freaking out over a baby.

“If you don’t believe me, go to the ‘print room’ and get his script!” She ordered. Noah shrugged and slipped his phone into his back pocket.

“Fine, but this was a terribly thought-out prank,” he blurted on his way to the said room. 

“Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed this mornin’!” Keith exclaimed, looking after Noah as he took his place on the couch. He popped in his earbuds and immersed himself in the digital world, paying no attention to Courtney and Olivia. The raven-haired girl looked up at Courtney, shock plastered all over her face.

“Is this…” she trailed off.

“Yeah, I’m serious! Iw ent in and called his name several times. I figured the giggling was just Matt trying out some new creepy audio, but it got louder and louder until I noticed Shayne’s clothes on the floor. I freaked out, I was like, ‘Shayne, you better not be doing anything in here’, so I picked up his shirt and saw the baby.”

“But…” Courtney held up Shayne for Liv to get a clear view.

“Look at those eyes! That hair! He’s totally Shayne!” Keith pulled out his earbuds. 

“Guys, I’m gonna go check on Noah.” The girls nodded.

“So like, does he still have memory? Does he remember us? Or does he have a baby brain? Does he know his name?”

“Woah there, Liv Liv. I’m not sure. Let’s test this out. He looked to me when I said his name in there, but maybe he was just reacting to hearing my voice.” Courtney sat on the couch next to her best friend. “Shayne?” the baby reached forward and started playing with Olivia’s hair. She giggled and the baby beamed.

“He has no teeth.”

“Okay, so he’s probably less than or around six months old. Shayne?” He continued to ignore the blonde. “Well, if he doesn’t react to his own name, I’m going to guess he doesn’t remember us. He’s probably just become his baby self. No clue who we are.” Olivia gasped. “What?” She covered her mouth with her hand, then removed it to speak.

“You’re like his mother!” Courtney inhaled sharply. 

“Wow. Me. A mother. To Shayne, of all people. Jesus, this is going to get rough.” Olivia started to look concerned.

“Courtney, I’m going to get the boys.”

“Okay.” Courtney was completely oblivious to the fact that the others could be shrinking as well. Lasercorn and Mari left the Smosh Games office. Courtney put Shayne near the backside of a pillow and called out to the gamers. “Hey, where are you guys going?”

“We printed a competition bracket,” Lasercorn responded simply. Courtney nodded and the two kept walking to the deadly room. Courtney played with Shayne for a minute or so before Wes came out of the office and looked around.

“Where did Laser and Mari go?” He asked, not seeing Shayne. Courtney looked up.

“Uh, ‘print room’. Why?” Wes sighed. 

“Damien changed L-Corn’s screensaver to a screenshot of his current tab. Lasercorn’s current tab,” he specified. Courtney laughed and Wes continued his ‘journey’. Joven came out immediately after.

“They’re in the print room,” she told him. Ian heard as well and nodded, so the two nerds made their way there. This is odd. Oh, sh*t!

Chapter Text

“Uh, Court Bourt?” Damien asked as he walked out of the office. Courtney was sitting pale-faced on the couch with a BABY on her lap, staring into space. He walked over and grabbed her shoulders. “Courtney!” He repeated, making eye contact. She shook herself awake, but she was still pale.

“Hm?”

“When did you have a baby?” He asked suspiciously. Tears pricked at her eyes.

“Something’s wrong. I went into the print room to find Shayne and his clothes were on the ground. I picked up his shirt and found… this.” She held up the baby. It looked exactly like Shayne with the brilliant sea-blue eyes and fluffy blonde hair. Damien took the baby, who grabbed the blue parts of his hair and started tugging. The tears fell freely down Courtney’s cheeks. “And now everyone else is in there, and I don’t want to know what happened to them.” Holy sh*t. In that case, we f*cked up. Holy bullsh*t.  

“Come on, if we go together, there’s a less chance of it happening to us, whatever it is. Well, if you made it out alive, then they must have done something to de-age.”

“Right.” 

“So we go in there and get the babies, that’s it. Then I’ll find a way to lock or jam the door. We need to find Ian and get information about the printer, it’s the only thing in there so it must have something to do with this.”

“The only problem is, Ian’s one too.”

“Sh*t.”

“I screwed up.”

“Ian bought a crazy time machine thinking it was a printer, and you think you screwed up?” He’s got a point. “C’mon, let’s rescue some children.” Courtney set Shayne down on the soft couch and he laid on the pillow. The only adults left went to the printer room and found tons of babies. Well, most of them were stuck in their clothes. 

“First things first, let’s make sure we know who’s who. Pit members go on the couch with Shayne, Games members go in your office. Starting with Olivia and Mari.” Courtney took her best friend out of the room. Damien got Mari, who’s few hairs were jet black and not purple, making her more like Olivia than before. He set her on a beanbag in the mostly dark gaming room. Lasercorn’s hair was its natural brown again, but his stare was exactly the same. He was a ‘sleepy boi’, so when Damien set him next to Mari, the babies cuddled and started to nap. Then Damien carried Wes and Joven to the game room. Then it hit him. Joven, Mari, and Lasercorn are married. H*ll, one even has a son! And Wes, well, what about his family? What about Brendan? Damien walked out to where babies Keith, Noah, Olivia, Shayne, and Ian were playing and grabbing each other. Courtney was frantically trying to keep them from accidentally hurting each other. She ran her fingers through her orange-ish hair.

“Um, I kind of ran into a problem… in the gaming room…” Courtney’s eyes bugged out. She inhaled.

“What?” She asked as if she didn’t want to know. Then she chuckled. “Did someone take off their diaper? Ian did.” Damien’s face broke into a small smile.

“No. Actually, everyone but Wes is married and lives with people. Lasercro even has a child of his own who happens to be older than him at the moment!” Courtney paled.

“Sh*t. How the f*ck do we even fix this? It’s just so crazy, like, how?” The two went back into the ‘print room’ and looked around. “Shayne never did get that script printed.”

“Well no, this isn’t a printer. It can’t be,” Damien reasoned as they hung everyone’s clothes on costume hangers. Courtney put the last outfit, Noah’s, on the doorknob and examined the printer. “Careful.” She grinned before opening the bottom. 

“There’s paper in here.” So maybe it’s just a cursed printer? Who knows at this point! Courtney closed the paper compartment and pushed open the top. “And here’s the scanner, so I’m guessing this is the inside…” She closed the top and opened the middle. The green light covered her confused face and she stared wide-eyed at the pretty color.

“Courtney?” She didn’t even flinch. Her eyes dilated. “Courtney!” She didn’t respond so he pulled her away and closed the printer. “Courtney!” He yelled. She panicked.

“What happened? What?” Damien sighed with relief. “Oh no. What was it? What did I do?”

“You opened the middle of the printer and it shone a pretty, lime-green light. You were so immersed in the sight of it that you didn’t hear me call your name twice. You didn’t even move a hair!” Courtney gasped.

“Sh*t! I’m glad you saved me, that could’ve been bad.”

“No sh*t, Court! What are we gonna do?” She sighed, then giggled mischievously. “Oh, sh*t. What is it?”

“Well, Damimen, we’ll need to go shopping before we get this mess sorted out. The children need clothes!” Oh God no.

Chapter Text

“Okay, so we’ll record a video, you and me, and just say that Smosh is undergoing technical difficulties and we can’t say when we’ll be back and ready to upload. We’ll have to record and upload it ourselves. I’m sure Ian has the Smosh username, password, etc. saved somewhere.” Damien nodded in agreement.

“No babies in the video?”

“H*ll no! No babies in the video, we can’t freak out the fans! Besides, think of the fanfictions!” The boy nodded yet again. 

“Oh yeah, and we have to edit it ourselves!”

“I can do that, you know I did it for fun when I was like, ten. Let’s get the camera and put the kids somewhere else so we can record here.” So they took the Pit babies and put them on a different beanbag to record in a non-suspicious and empty space. “I know we shouldn’t leave the babies alone, but parents do that when they put the babies down for naps, right?”
“I mean, I guess.” So Court set up the camera, pushed play, and sat next to Damien.

“Well, bois, we got ourselves a little problem… not just us two, but all of Smosh.” Damien had good facial expressions and reacted to what she was saying as all skilled actors do.

“That includes Smosh Pit and Smosh Games as well,” he clarified. “I think what we’re trying to say is we won’t be uploading on any of the channels for a while.”

“Yeah, we have no content, we’re in a sticky situation that we can’t reveal or explain, and we just need time to sort stuff out.” 

“We’re sorry nobody else could be in this video, we’re busy working on stuff and had to squeeze this in, guys.”

“So please try to understand, we’re trying, and we’ll be back up and running as soon as possible! If it is possible…” She added quietly. “We’ll cut that out.” They chuckled as Courtney got up to turn off the camera. 

“So…”

“How about I edit the video while you entertain the children? And keep them out of trouble! Lasercorn likes to grab faces,” she reminded him.

“Oh, I’m sure.” So Damien left and Courtney loaded the video to her computer. Good thing we all have basic YouTube supplies downloaded. She opened the fancy editor and got back into her old habit. She didn’t go too fancy, just basic editing so everyone would know they were being serious. She did put in the ending with the voiceover and the tour announcement. Other than that, it was like their ‘Smosh is Homeless’ video. So she snooped around in Ian’s office area for probably a good thirty minutes before she found the old, wrinkly paper from when Ian still had access to the channels. She tried the username and password (on Ian’s computer) and surprisingly, it worked. So she uploaded the video, copied and pasted a different video’s description, and shared it on social media to make sure the fans got the message. There were a few sad comments by the end of that, so she read them and then closed the tabs and shut off Ian’s computer. She went into the Games office and found Damien playing with Shayne, the only baby awake.

“He seems playful.” Damien turned around and smiled.

“They’re all such cute babies!” He held up Shayne, who was giggling and drooling all over his tiny hands.

“Yeah, that’s nasty. They’ll need clothes and probably like, bibs or something.”

“I’m not buying Shayne clothes he can wear for a few weeks at the most,” Damien protested.

“Which brings up a problem: how and when can we expect to fix this?” Courtney worriedly questions.

“No clue, but I do not like that printer!”

“Ah, something reasonable we can agree on! But seriously, I’m excited to get these kiddos some high-class fashion!”

Chapter Text

“C’mon. Target’s pretty cheap, and they have cute baby stuff!” Courtney exclaimed.

“Yeah. But baby stuff… do you mean baby stuff, or… baby clothes?” She thought for a moment. We’ll need car seats, right? How else will we take them home? Oh, right… 

“Um, Damien, you’ll need to take the Games guys home.” He nodded slowly.

“Okay. But what all are we buying? How are we paying?” Courtney smiled mischievously as she pulled a small rectangle from her pocket.

“Ian’s credit card,” she smiled. Damien’s eyes flew wide open.

“How did you get that?!” He reached for it and he held it out of his reach, moving it around occasionally. She gave him a look as if it was obvious.

“Well, when your boss is a baby, it’s not particularly hard to get his wallet to buy clothes and a car seat for his own good. Besides, we can donate all the stuff when we fix this mess.” Damien finally stopped trying to get Ian’s credit card and sighed, processing what Courtney had said.

“So we’re getting car seats.”

“Duh, that’s why I made sure you knew that we’ll have to take them home.”

“But if we don’t already have the car seats and we can’t leave them here alone, how are we going to get the clothes and stuff?” Courtney thought for a moment before coming up with the obvious answer.

“Well, we can order online and then you stay here and I’ll pick up the stuff in-store.”

“Do you think they’ll be suspicious that we’re buying tons of car seats and baby clothes?” Courtney looked blankly at the ceiling as she calculated.

“Well, each baby really only needs one outfit, and I say we get them all cute onesie pajamas, and then if each one needs a car seat then we need nine. Those things can range between around thirty to four-hundred dollars, but I think we’ll do fine with the cheaper ones, around two-hundred dollars, if not, less.”

“I agree, but that didn’t answer my question. Will they be suspicious?” Courtney’s face wrinkled with thought.

“Maybe. I don’t know, I’ve done a teensy bit of snooping around on Reddit, employees get suspicious but don’t ask. If they do, I’ll tell them part of the truth. We’re actors getting some stuff we need for an upcoming shooting. If they need more than that, I’ll let ‘em know about Smosh.”

“The video?”

“Yeah, whatever. Buys me enough time to get out of there. You just overthink stuff, Dami.” He shrugged guiltily.

“Whatever. Onesie shopping!” he exclaimed. Damien opened the Target website on bis computer for easier viewing while Courtney did the same on her phone so she could add the stuff to her cart and order it.

“Okay, seats first. They’re most important.” Damien scrolled and occasionally looked to Courtney for her opinion, which normally wasn’t that great. “What about that one?” She pointed to a seat that could be a carrier and a car seat. “Functional and only one hundred ninety-nine ninety-nine.”

“Noice. So just the seats are a total of one thousand ninety-nine ninety-one.”

“You’re smort,” she purposely mispronounced.

“Nah, I just wasn’t listening to what you’d said and was calculating the price in my head.”

“Cool. I’ll add to cart.” She selected the quantity (nine, obviously) and added it to her cart. Well, kind of Ian’s actually. “So we’re almost at two thousand dollars already. Let’s find some cheap, warm, and cute onesie pajamas.”

“I’m thinking a dinosaur or something funny for Shayne.” Of course, you’re thinking about Shayne. I swear, best friend telepathy and connections between them are f***ing spooky. The two adults switched to the baby category and looked at the onesies.

“Ooh, a monkey! Keith?” Dames nodded.

“This dragon for Lasercorn. When he’s back to his normal self, I swear, he’ll be like, ‘thanks for getting me an arson onesie’!”

“Perfect. And the unicorn is totally Olivia!”

“Or Mari,” Damien contemplated.

“But we have to have some way of telling them apart! The llama for Mari.” 

“Fine,” Damien gave in. “However, I reserve the right to make Joven wear this piggie onesie!”

“Oh my God, yes! He’s gonna be so pissed when we show him the pictures!” The parents ( is that what we are now? ) guffawed and continued searching.

“Oh, or should we get Mari a Minecraft creeper one and give Ian the unicorn and Olivia the llama? For Iancorn?”

“Yes!” Courtney practically yells. “So then we still need Shayne, Noah, Wes, and… that’s it.”

“Okay, but this Tootsie Roll thing would be Wes’ soulmate if it were alive.”

“Agreed. And Noah perfectly fits this Harry Potter thingie!”
“Onesie, and yes!” Damien responded enthusiastically. Courtney had added everything else to her cart and they still needed something for Shayne.

“He just needs the perfect thing. What could that be…”

“He needs something reminiscent of Courtney Freakin’ Miller. If only Target had baby California girl onesies,” Dames chuckled.

“No, that’s called dressing him in baby girls’ fashion and taping a picture of me on his face, dumb**s!” The laughed even harder than before.

“How about…” they kept scrolling until Damien eyed the perfect onesie. “If we don’t get Shayne this hulk onesie, we have failed as parents.”

“No, he needs this Star-Lord one!”
“What, so you can kiss him?” Courtney blushed. 

“Do you mean kiss Shayne knowing it’s him or kiss him as if he were Chris Pratt?”

“Oh, definitely Chris Pratt! It’d be child abuse either way,” he continued teasing.

“No, he’s getting this Sailor Moon one. End of discussion.” They laughed and Damien barely squeaked out his response. 

“Definitely!” So after a while of chatting, giggling, and coffee drinking, Courtney left Damien to play with their (?) children and she picked up the stuff successfully without any difficulty. She returned to the sweetest thing she’d ever seen, and Damien didn’t even realize she’d returned.

Chapter Text

Courtney hauled all of the stuff into the Smoffice by herself so she could catch Damien interacting with his co-workers as babies, and catch him she did. He had his back to the door, and he was laying on his side. Court folded her arms and leaned on the doorframe as she watched. Mari was playing with his hair, a favorite pastime of the babies it seemed. 

“I know you don’t talk yet, but it’s never too early to start, huh?” Mari chuckled in her adorable high-pitched baby voice. “Well, your name is Mari. Mah-ree.” She continued to chuckle and grin at him as she tugged on his hair. “Mah-ree.” She didn’t stop what she was doing. “Okay, that’s a good start.” She ignored him still. He softly laughed at her obliviousness. He sat up and Courtney ducked out of sight, but he didn’t turn around. Courtney returned to her position and Dames picked up Mari. She squealed as he moved her through the air like a plane. They both giggled until Damien had to set her down again because holding her up and laughing was sucking out all of his energy. “God, waking up in the middle of the night with you guys is gonna be rough. I hope Courtney can stay over the first few days, I don’t know anything about childcare.” Courtney blushed and thanked God Dami couldn’t see her. “You know my name? You kids can call me Dami or Daddy. Which one?” Mari tried to grab the blue strands of hair on the left side of his face. Apparently, Damien took that as an answer. “Dami? Actually, I’m gonna veto that answer, we’ll go with Dad or some variation since you have no memory of me at all.” This is so sweet! Watching him with the babies is so f***ing precious! Ahhhhhhh! “Dad-ee?” Shayne yawned and rolled over to press himself against Keith. “Hm, are you sleepy like Shayne and Keith?” Mari made cute baby coos in response. “Just a few more times. Dad-ee? Dad-ee? Dad-ee?” Mari cooed again. Damien sighed tiredly. “That’ll do for now. Goodnight, Mari.” He set her on the Smosh Games kids’ beanbag before he laid back down again. He would have rolled over and spotted Courtney if Shayne hadn’t started crying. That’s an understatement. Shayne was screaming. Damien panicked and picked up Shayne. “D*mnit! Where’s Court when I need her?!” Courtney was internally panicking as well. We didn’t get formula or bottles! We didn’t get bibs or rags or diapers or wipes! Sh*t! “I wonder where she is… she should be here by now…” So Courtney ran off back to her car and went straight back to Target to shop in-store. She got tons of diapers, wipes, formula mix, around 15 bottles ( why don’t they sell individual bottles?! ) and bibs. They were all the same except for a pink ‘Daddy’s Princess’ bib for Joven. It just fits, doesn’t it? She laughed softly to herself all the way home. Well, actually, not home, but back to the Smoffice.

“Hey, that’s not a bad sketch idea! Okay, I’ve got to remember that, ‘Back to the Smoffice’...” she mused aloud. Once she was back, she could see Damien through the window with Shayne laying over his shoulder. Dami was bouncing and rocking the sleepy and humming baby. When he heard Courtney enter with several bags of stuff, he turned around and sighed with relief.

“Oh, thank God you’re back! Shayne has been an absolute pain in the a*s! Jesus, what took you so long? And why did you make two trips?” Courtney didn’t want to tell him about her secret spying since she wanted to continue doing it occasionally, so she told him everything else.

“Well, I came back after picking up what we ordered and I heard Shayne screaming, so I figured he was hungry. Then I realized we never got any necessities like diapers, wipes, bibs, bottles, formula… I think that’s it. I got all of that stuff the second time.” Shayne groaned his little baby groan and turned his head around to face Courtney rather than Damien’s neck. He smiled goofily. Courtney set down the bags and walked over to Shayne. “Hello, sweet baby boy!” She cooed as Damien handed him to her.

“Take him, I don’t want him screaming in my ear! Oh, did you happen to get pacifiers or toys?”

“Sh*t.”

“Oh well.”

“How’d you get him to shut up?” She asked as she rocked Shayne. He giggled. All of the babies are very silly. Do they still have their sense of humor?  

“Um, I Googled if babies can have water, it said yes if they are more than six months old, if not, too much water can lead to water intoxication. Something with electrolytes or something, could lead to low body temperatures or seizures. So I gave Shayne a teensy cup of water and played with him some, and he was fine after that. I’ve been trying to get him back to sleep or at least to calm down and entertain himself. I’m so glad you’re back.” Damien hugged Courtney with Shayne in the middle.

“Thanks, Damien. It means a lot.”

Chapter Text

Well, as it turns out, Shayne just prefers mommy to daddy. Maybe because I found him first? Mari seems to be Damien’s little friend. Or daughter.  

“Hey, Courtney, could you come over and bring the other kids? Like, spend the night at my place?”

“Of course, Dames! We kinda need to stick together for the first few days at least to learn how we’re going to do this and to learn each other’s strategies for raising our co-workers.” They chuckled. It’s still a funny and difficult concept to understand. Raising our co-workers. His eyes twinkled when he smiled.

“Thanks. Because clearly I can’t be left alone with nine babies, even when only one is awake at a time!” More chuckling commenced. 

“Well, we have no business here, I mean, we can’t work anymore, so why don’t we grab some food or something and go to your place?”

“We can get a pizza delivered,” Dami suggested.

“Sounds good.” Courtney started loading the baby haul into her and Damien’s cars while he ordered the pizza. Five car seats went in Court’s and four went in Dami’s. The formula and other stuff was split between both cars and the onesies were left in the office.

“Ready to get them dressed?” The man grinned mischievously, probably excited to take pictures of his co-workers in ridiculous onesies. So Courtney dressed the Pit members (but she didn’t change the diapers, they were still clean) and Damien the Games. “There, now we can tell them apart!” Damien sighed after he zipped up Mari’s creeper and put her hood on.

“Ah, so cute!” Courtney exclaimed as she did the same to Olivia’s llama onesie. “There, that’s my last one. Your house?”

“Yeah, the pizza’s just now being made, so we’ve got time.” One by one, they each took one of their children to the cars and buckled them in. Most of them were intrigued by the new space and some went back to sleep. Well, now we know who was always the most sleep deprived. Courtney stayed behind Damien the whole time they were driving. She knew where he lived, but she didn’t want to get too far away in the L.A. traffic. And when they got there, Courtney was pleasantly surprised. “Huh, I guess I cleaned up the place before work sometime. I don’t remember it, but hey, at least it’s childproof!” Courtney raised a brow as she picked up some of his video games. He groaned. “Whatever.” They brought in the babies and stuff and prepared for the days to come. Courtney set up the seats so the babies could sleep in them that night and Damien set up a changing station with a trash bag laid down for changing on and nearby were the diapers and wipes. Courtney put the formula and bottles by the microwave, which was next to the sink. 

“Okay, so now what?”

“I think we should feed them, if Shayne got hangry earlier I bet the others will start screaming like banshees any moment now.”

“I agree.” The ear h*ll kicked off with Lasercorn. Damien instinctively covered his ears. “Don’t just stand there, we have to feed them!” Courtney and Damien ran to the kitchen and started tossing water and formula into bottles.

“Alexa, do babies like cold milk?” Damien frantically wondered. To sum up her monologue, they don’t mind it. Oh goody, ‘cause we don’t have time to heat up the bottles! Damien put the bottle in Lasercorn’s hands and he somehow started feeding himself. Courtney did the same for Shayne (who was really hungry!). Then Olivia and Mari, Keith and Wes, Noah and Joven, and Ian. Once the babies were fed and mostly asleep, the adults had nothing to do.

“It’s kind of boring compared to running around trying to keep miniature humans from starving,” Courtney contemplated. 

“Yeah… wanna like, watch a movie or something?” Courtney grinned and turned to face him. “I know that look, and I don’t like it!”

Chapter Text

“Truth or dare. No buts, it’s settled.” Damien groaned, closed his eyes, and leaned back on the couch. The last baby (Wes - He must have had a lot of caffeine at work this morning! ) finally drifted off and Courtney asked the question as Damien put his hands on hers. “Damien Christian Haas, truth or dare.” He stared straight into her eyes.

“Dare. Nothing that could danger the kids.”

“Of course! Um… drive to work and get the Courtney Freakin’ Miller wig and put it on baby Shayne.”

“No.”
“Why not?” Courtney whimpered, disappointed that she couldn’t carry out her experiment.

“Well, A, I don’t trust you alone with so many children, and B, that’s a long drive. Oh, and C, I don’t exactly trust you to be alone in my house.” Courtney frowned and thought of a new dare.

“On your Instagram, post a selfie of you and baby Olivia as like, a reveal that you aren’t single and you’re also a dad!” Damien’s face paled.
“No way.”

“You already passed one, this better be good!” Courtney clapped her hands excitedly. Damien ran his hand over his tired face and pulled out his phone. Courtney cackled as he smiled and Olivia slept soundly. Damien furiously typed the caption and showed Courtney. It read, ‘well. things have been pretty crazy recently. not only have i met the perfect girl, we also had a private wedding and now have a beautiful daughter named maria faith. welcome to the rough but beautiful world, baby girl’. Courtney gasped and hyperventilated at the cuteness.”Oh my God, that’s absolutely perfect!” He blushed and she watched him post it. 

“There. Now we just wait for the distressed fangirls.”

“Ah, we’re not done here!” Damien gave her a confused look before catching on.

“Courtney Ruth Miller.” She nodded. Wow, my hands look really tan compared to Damien’s! “Truth or dare.” She too stared into the other's eyes while she made her decision. “And try to be as quick as possible.” She snorted.

“Yeah, right.” He raised a brow. “Truth.” He smiled devilishly. “Sh*t, I made the wrong decision, didn’t I?” He nodded. “Just say something, the suspense is killing me!” He let out a shaky laugh.

“Who’s your favorite Smosh boi, me or Shayne?” Courtney gasped and pulled her hands off Damien’s.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“I let you pass one!”

“This one’s more reasonable than it was!” Courtney groaned and ran her fingers through her hair.

“I hate you.”

“So Shayne?”

“I can’t choose! You aren’t going to get an answer from me.”

“This answer determines your next dare, because after having a pressuring truth like this, you will undoubtedly choose dare.”

“How do you know that?!” She yelled. He put a finger to his lips to remind her of their temporary roommates. “F***ing psychic.”

“What was that?” Maybe I do prefer Shayne. But what about Courtney Freakin’ Miller? What about his dumb jokes? Damien makes dumb jokes too… Shayne teases me too… he’s a pain in the a*s too… 

“Neither of you.”

“That wasn’t an option."

"To be honest, I’ve been pretending to be people’s friend for a while, it’s not that hard. Noah is obviously my favorite Smosh boi.” Damien looked stricken, then back to evil.

“Well, I’m saving that for your next dare.” Courtney panicked. He wanted me to pick him. Now he’s gonna make me do something to a baby! What’s on his mind…

“You,” she blurted, covering her mouth after.

“Me?” She nodded shamefully. “Don’t be ashamed, we both knew it all along. You ask me now.”

“Damien Christian Haas.” His hands weighed on hers. “Truth or dare.”

“Um, y’know, why the h*ll not, truth.” Courtney smirked.

“Who’s your favorite ‘son’ or ‘daughter’?” He hummed and bowed his head in thought, but looked back up seconds after.

“Shayne, but he clearly prefers you.”

“I discovered him! I practically gave birth to him!” Damien laughed and fell back.

“What the f*ck, Court? That’s not a thought I enjoy having in my brain!”

“Me neither!”
“Courtney Ruth Miller, truth or dare.” She thought long and hard. If I choose dare, it’ll have something to do with him since I ‘chose him over Shayne’, but I don’t want to give him another truth to use against me… screw it. 

“Truth,” she sang. His face saddened and he immediately asked the question.

“Who’s your favorite ‘son’ or ‘daughter’?”

“Shayne.”

“Really?”

“No doubt.”

“What about me?” Courtney chuckled.

“In this scenario, you’d be my husband.”

“Oh, right.”

“Damien Christian Haas, truth or dare!”

“Dare,” he responded instantly. Courtney raised a brow.

“Really?’

“Really.”

“I dare you to reply to comments on your fake Insta!” He moaned. “You have to, no more passes!” He reluctantly pulled out his phone. There were comments like ‘my precious damimen, you have failed me’, ‘how the actual f*ck did you hide this’, ‘she’s cute’, ‘she looks like Olivia’, ‘who’s the girl’, and ‘what about your work spouses, Shayne and Courtney’. He responded to them with things like ‘sorry’, ‘I’m a magician’, ‘thank you’, ‘hm, I don’t see the resemblance’, ‘when the time is right’, and ‘key word: work. I have a personal life’. Most people were kind of upset, but lots were really happy for him and practically drooling over sweet baby Liv Liv.

“There, are you happy now?” She nodded. “Courtney Ruth Miller, I’m giving you a dare.”

“I was gonna choose dare anyway.”

“Good. Kiss me.” Courtney leaned back.

“Ew.”

“It’s better than being a child predator and kissing Shayne! Or Noah, since that was your initial answer… I promise, I won’t enjoy it anymore than you do. I was actually hoping you’d choose Shayne so I wouldn’t make you kiss him.”

“F*ck it!” So she leaned in. And kissed one of her best friends. On the lips. And he kissed back. She quickly backed away. “You said you wouldn’t enjoy it anymore than I did!”

“You seemed to be enjoying it!”

“I thought you meant you weren’t looking forward to it,” Court mumbled under her breath. Damien somehow heard her.

“Well I wasn’t looking forward to it until it happened! I’m sorry Court, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine, do you want to like, go to b-” Keith let out the loudest, most bloodcurdling baby scream the ‘grown-ups’ had heard. “I figured this would happen!” Courtney exasperatedly shouted over the loud vocals. “I’ll check his diaper, you go to bed!”

“I’m not leaving you alone in my house!”
“I’m not gonna start a fire!” She checked his diaper, changed it, and by then Keith had woken up the other and they were crying. All the diapers were changed, some babies were fed again, and the two adults went to bed. 

“If you’re as tired as me, you can just sleep in my bed tonight.”

“Thanks,” Courtney muttered before collapsing face-first into the left side of Damien’s bed.

“Okay,” he whispered, and he did the same on the other side.