Chapter Text
List of things that Darcy hates, in no specific order:
- When you take a sip of coffee and it’s cold and then you have that gross cold coffee feeling in your mouth for the rest of the day
- When you fall over in front of a really cute guy
- When that really cute guy is actually the most attractive guy you’ve ever met
- When that same guy is an Avenger and now thinks of you like a kid sister
- When his equally hot best friend laughs at you and then tells their other equally hot friend, who does that little smirk thing which is honestly worse than if she laughed at you outright
- When the most attractive guy probably in existence then asks if you need a hand every time you enter the common area, which is often because your best friend is dating another incredibly attractive person, and you know he’s being sincere which is even worse than if he were making fun of you
- The fact that Janey found a literal god of a boyfriend, who is hopelessly devoted to her and thinks she’s perfect, while you remain chronically single
- The fact that Janey having a boyfriend is making you feel jealous. Hmmm… file that away in the section of your brain marked “never think about again”
- The fact that you haven’t been laid in months and the idea of marrying Jane and telling Thor to fuck off is looking more and more viable at every moment
- Mosquitos
- Tony Stark’s inability to calm down
- Every single person who has ever had a hand in the creation of pants
- Cabbage
- High school and everyone in it (excluding Janey, of course)
- Being reminded of high school
- Being invited to attend events with people from high school
- High school. High school! FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL!!!
“I just can’t believe they found us!” Darcy exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. “I spent the last decade trying to escape them all and they still managed to get my address!”
“Well, they found my address,” Jane said from her spot at the computer. “They just assumed you’d be here too.”
“Oh great, thanks Janey. Now I’m not only invited, I’m also not special enough to warrant my own address.”
“You do live with me.”
Darcy shot Jane a glare, then stood from the desk, huffing as she paced the lab.
“It’s just bullshit, Jane, bullshit. They can all go to hell. I’m not going.”
She paused long enough to pick up the invite, crumpling it in her hands as she continued to pace.
“I am.”
The world tilted for a second and Darcy’s mouth dropped open.
“What? I’m a success story, it’s my moral imperative to go.”
“And you have a hot boyfriend to show off,” Darcy grumbled.
Jane turned from her computer with a sigh.
“Darce, is this really such a big deal?”
“Look, you don’t get it. You were a nerd, but you were a good nerd. Quiet, did your own thing, too busy with science and math to care about what was going on around you. And you were hot, you were always hot. But me? I was the fat little weirdo with glasses and no sense of style and Jane, Janey, I can’t do it.”
“You’re hot and accomplished now,” Jane offered. “You work for Tony Stark and have lunch with Pepper Potts every week. You’re living baby Darcy’s dream, and they can all suck it. Especially Britney.”
“Especially Britney,” Darcy echoed.
“Come with me Darcy, it’ll be fun.”
“Why are you really going Jane?”
Darcy narrowed her eyes as Jane stared at her shoes.
“Thor wants to go,” Jane admitted. “He saw the invite and asked what it was.”
“Traitor!”
“He was so excited, I couldn’t say no!”
“This is bullshit,” she sighed. “I’ll need a date.”
“Why?”
“You’re going with a literal god on your arm, and what? I’m just gonna tag along and third wheel the whole night? Don’t think so.”
Darcy sat down with a heavy sigh, rubbing her face.
“You’re invited to our 10 year reunion!” it read, written in silver on the black invite. “Langley High School’s class of 2009.”
“Ask Thor,” Jane said suddenly the next day. “Ask Thor to get you a date.”
“What?”
“He would love to do that for you. That way you don’t have to ask anyone and he’ll find you someone cool.”
“This is going to be a fucking disaster, Janey. I can already tell.”
-*-
“Thor?” Darcy called, wandering into the common room. “You here?”
“Darcy!” Thor yelled back, head buried in the fridge.
“I need a favour, big guy.”
“Anything you need, I will do it.”
“Love that enthusiasm.”
He closed the fridge, arms piled with containers of leftovers.
Carefully he set them out on the kitchen counter, opening them methodically and grabbing a fork.
“I wish I had your metabolism,” she said mournfully as she watched him start eating.
“A warrior needs a hearty meal to stay in peak fighting form,” he told her. “What do you need?”
“Well.. you know the reunion?”
“The high school one that Jane was invited to?”
“Yeah, that’s the one. I was also invited to it and I need your help.”
“What with?”
“Okay, so. This is going to sound weird and maybe a little bit pathetic, but I need you to bear with me.”
Thor nodded earnestly and Darcy relaxed slightly.
“I need a date.”
“But I am going with Jane. Unless you wish to also be our date! We can all go together!”
“Not quite what I meant, buddy. Can you get me a date for it?”
“Get you a date?” he asked, head tilted in confusion.
“Look, I don’t know anyone who is hot, single, and who would make a good date. I need you to scope out someone who will come with me and wow the pants off all of the shitty people I went to high school with.”
“Why?”
“Because high school was hell, Thor!” she cried, covering her face with her hands. “I was so unpopular and uncool; I need someone to make everyone think I’m a massive success story.”
“I don’t understand, are you not impressive enough now? I think you are. And so does Stark and Banner and everyone else who knows you.”
“Look, I know, I know. I’m being unfeminist and letting myself and womankind down. But that’s so not the point. These people… they’ll eat me alive. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done on my own, if I show up without a partner it’ll just be hours of everyone saying I’m sad and lonely and too fat to get a boyfriend.”
“You’re not fat.”
“Thor, I love your energy and I love that sentiment. But it doesn’t matter what you or I think, it’s what they think. And they were all skinny and perfect and are now all married to their high school sweethearts and living their best lives. I’m a mess who barely graduated and can’t hold a partner down for longer than a month.”
“I understand, Darcy. But why have you asked this of me?”
“You know everyone, and no one would even dream of saying no to you. You’ll find someone perfect.”
Thor nodded slowly, a frown furrowing his eyebrows.
“I see.”
“Plus I need someone to hang out with me, lord knows you and Janey will go off and talk to people and I don’t want to be alone.”
“I can help you find a date, dear Darcy.”
“Thank you!” she cried, running around the counter to hug him. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
She went to leave but paused.
“I want the most attractive person possible. Someone who will make them all jealous. Smart too, if you can. Just someone I can have a good time with and show off.”
He pouted.
“But I’m the most attractive.”
“Besides you of course. Don’t let me down, big guy.”
“I won’t.”
-*-
“So…” Jane started, trying for casual and failing by a country mile. “Thor is really excited to get you a date.”
“Shut up,” Darcy grumbled. “Just shut up. I know it’s pathetic.”
“It’s not. If I didn’t have Thor, I wouldn’t have gone.”
“Fingers crossed he finds someone good.”
“He’s taking it surprisingly seriously. I’m sure he’ll find someone good.”
“I’m kind of scared but I trust his judgement.”
“And who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and get to take an Avenger.”
“Reckon Natasha is free?”
“She’s incommunicado for the next month, I believe.”
Darcy swore, loudly, then groaned.
“God dammit. She would be perfect, she’s gorgeous and smart and a really good actress.”
“She sure is. Anyway, want to help me line up these plates?”
“What are we building again and why haven’t you asked an intern to do it?”
“Really? It’s for measuring energy, too complex to get into. Also, why would I ask an intern, I’ve got you.”
“Jane… I haven’t been your intern in over a year.”
“And yet, you still are going to help me.”
Darcy rolled her eyes, then stepped forward to take the ruler from Janey.
“Yeah, alright.”
-*-
Thor’s instructions were clear.
Operation Find Darcy A Date To Say Fuck You To Her Bullies (Tony’s name for it) had several steps.
- Find the most attractive person possible
- Ask them to be Darcy’s date (don’t let them know why, Tony had told him, just say she needs someone to go with to keep her company)
- Get them a suit
- Get them on a plane
- Go to the reunion
- Make Darcy, and by extension Jane, happy
Step one was straightforward, simple.
To Thor, the most attractive person after himself was an easy decision.
“Do you wish to be Darcy’s date for her high school reunion?” he asked when he walked into the lab, skipping pretence and greetings entirely.
“Hi Thor,” Bruce said hesitantly. “Be Darcy’s what for what?”
“Be Darcy’s date. For a reunion. She does not have a date and I do not wish her to be lonely.”
“Oh. Ummm… I don’t know,” Bruce said, blinking at him in confusion.
“It is next weekend. Jane and I will also be there.”
“Next weekend? Sorry Thor, I’ll be at a conference.”
Thor regarded him seriously, then nodded.
“Okay. That is a shame. I wanted to find her the most handsome date possible.”
“And you asked me?”
“Yes. You are the obvious choice. The most handsome and also very smart. A very impressive person. Also I like the Hulk, you are both good company.”
“Thank you?”
“You are welcome,” Thor said with a grin. “Alas, I will find someone else.”
“Thanks anyway, I guess.”
Thor nodded once, then turned and marched out.
“What in the world?” Bruce said loudly, watching him go
Okay, so step one was slightly harder than anticipated.
But not to worry, Thor told himself, he knew who the next most handsome was, someone who Darcy was also very good friends with.
“Barton!” he called, as he entered the common room. “Can we speak?”
Clint jumped violently, then pouted as he died in the video game he was playing.
“Yeah, sure, what’s up?”
“Darcy is in need of a date for her high school reunion next weekend. Do you wish to come?”
Clint frowned at him, putting the controller down.
“Darcy needs a date? Why would she need a date?”
“She has been too busy to find one, so I have taken it upon myself to find one for her.”
“Man, she’s like my little sister. It’s gonna be weird if she takes her married older coworker to an event like that.”
“Ah… I see.”
Thor huffed, crossing his arms as he sat on the couch beside Clint.
“This is proving to be more challenging than I thought it would be.”
“Why are you so worried about it?” Clint asked off-handedly. “Darcy is dynamite, she doesn’t need a date.”
“She… She does not wish to go alone. Jane and I will also be going, but Darcy thinks we will probably want to ‘do our own thing’ so she will spend the night standing in a corner. I want to find her the most handsome and impressive date.”
Clint nodded.
“Makes sense you’d ask me then. I am very impressive.”
“Verily.”
“It’s fine, dude. She’ll be fine on her own.”
“I worry she will not. Her school years were not kind to her, and there will be a lot of people who she does not like there.”
“Why doesn’t she just skip it then?”
“Jane said that would be worse than going alone.”
Clint shrugged, then held out the controller.
“Wanna play?”
“I can not. I have to find a date for my Darcy. It is the least I can do for her.”
“Ask Steve,” came a voice from behind them.
Clint and Thor turned to see Bucky leaning against the dining table, watching them.
“What?” Clint asked, incredulous.
“Ask Steve. He has time off next weekend and he’d happily do it. Loves helping someone out in a tight spot.”
Thor nodded thoughtfully.
“You are correct, he is very helpful.”
“I can ask for you if you want.”
“That would be very agreeable,” Thor said happily. “Do not tell him why, and do not tell Darcy either. I am going to surprise her with a date and I do not think she would be very happy if she knew I told you why she wants one.”
Bucky shrugged.
“None of my business.”
-*-
“Steve, please,” Bucky whined, kicking his legs as he sat on Tony’s worktable.
“Why do you want me to do this so badly?” Steve asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Darcy’s a sweet gal, and she needs a date.”
“Why not you?”
Bucky gave him a look, then said “crowds” pointedly.
“Okay, yeah, that’s fair,” Steve said with a sigh.
He crossed his arms as he watched Tony start fiddling with the wires in Bucky’s arm.
“What are you even asking about?” Tony asked, not looking up from his work.
“Darcy needs a date for a reunion this weekend and I said I’d find her one.”
“She still hasn't found someone?”
“She’s too busy and also I think this may be a surprise for her? I’m not sure, I’m just doing what Thor told me to do.”
“How many people are in on this?” Steve asked loudly.
“Almost everyone. Clint for sure, Nat probably. Even Wanda asked how the hunt was going.”
“I’m sure they’ll find someone. Someone who’s not me.”
“They won’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I volunteered you last week.”
Steve sighed, heavily.
“So now I have to go?”
“No, but I think you should. It’ll be fun for you.”
“Yeah, Cap,” Tony agreed, nodding furiously. “Get you out into the world, make some friends, see how awful adults are when you put them around their high school friends.”
“I don’t need more friends,” Steve said with a sniff.
“Steve. Stevie. Steven Grant. Darcy needs this.”
“No, she doesn't. In what world could Darcy need a date?” Tony asked, before shoving a screwdriver in his mouth.
“In the world where otherwise she’s going to be alone, surrounded by people who used to pick on her, and tagging along with her best friend who is dating an Avenger,” Bucky said like it was obvious. “Also, she doesn’t need a date, she needs a friend to keep her company while she flaunts how cool she is.”
“You are very invested in this,” Steve said dryly, choosing to ignore the arguments given.
“She’s good people, Steve. Keeps Tony from blowing us all up, brings bagels for everyone, distracts Clint when he wants to cause trouble. She talks to me like I’m a real person, not just a brainwashed war criminal.”
“Wow, straight for the throat,” Tony faux-whispered, throwing the screwdriver on the floor and snapping the access flap on Bucky’s arm shut. “Okay, flex those fingers. Any issues?”
Bucky shook his head, twisting his wrist and flexing his fingers.
“All good, thanks Tony.”
“Any time,” Tony said easily, before rounding on Steve. “Lewis is a tenacious little monster, and I’m ever so grateful to have her here. Just do it. I’ll pay for everything.”
“That was assumed,” Steve said dryly, arms still crossed and eyes narrowed. “Why don’t you take her?”
“Because I’m old enough to be her father.”
“And not to mention, Tony fucking Stark,” Bucky said with an eye roll.
“I’m choosing to believe you mean Tony fucking Stark as in ‘holy shit that’s Tony Stark’ and not ‘yuck that’s Tony Stark’.”
“Believe what you want.”
Tony shot him a look, which Bucky pointedly ignored.
“The point is that she needs someone to keep her company,” Bucky told Steve. “Someone who will also back her up. Do you even get how unbelievable it is that she works for Tony Stark and sees the Avengers on the regular? No one would believe her, unless she had someone to prove her right. And you know who’s perfect for that? Steve Rogers a.k.a. Captain America a.k.a. the bastion of truth and morality in today’s world.”
“Bucky,” Steve said tiredly, shaking his head.
“Seriously, she needs someone to keep her company and look after her. Apparently a lot of people she went to high school with are assholes.”
Bucky paused, eyes glinting as he stared Steve down.
“Bullies, some might say.”
He smirked and Tony laughed, both watching Steve obviously struggle with it all.
“Okay, fine,” Steve spat out. “I’m doing this because she’s nice to me and I want her to have a good night. I’m not doing this for anyone else.”
Bucky raised an eyebrow and Steve sighed.
“I hate you,” he muttered, as Tony clapped his hands in delight.
“First things first,” Tony announced, “you need a haircut and to be fitted for a suit. And you’re looking a bit scruffy, so Friday, get me a barber here tomorrow. Oh, and also order him some new dress shoes, his are looking a bit battered.”
Tony grinned at a camera in the ceiling, then rounded on Steve.
“Tomorrow afternoon, meet me in the penthouse at 4pm. Anything you have on, cancel it. We have to get that beard trimmed, hair styled, and suit fitted.”
“I feel like the bell of the ball,” Steve said sarcastically.
“Well get ready, Cinderella, it’s going to take a lot more than a magic wand to get you presentable.”
“Hey Tony?”
“Yeah Steve?”
“Fuck you.”
Steve turned and walked out, giving them the finger as he left.
Tony and Bucky managed to hold it together until he was out of sight, then dissolved into laughter.