Chapter Text
"You and I are done talking."
Barba's words and his face, with those beautiful green eyes trying and failing to hide his hurt, were burned into Olivia’s memory.
She hadn’t wanted him to find out about her and Ed Tucker like that. But when he insinuated the IAB Officer might have something to do with the deaths of the teenage girls who attended the school where his cousin Father Eugene worked, she instinctively defended her lover. As soon as the words were out, though, she knew she’d opened the door, so she begged Barba to not ask her to answer the question when he asked if she and Tucker were involved. But they knew each other too well and he saw it in her eyes, just as she had seen his reaction.
Then he reported the relationship to 1PP. Out of spite or duty, she wasn’t sure, but it resulted in her being removed as commander of SVU and left without a lover or a friend. Tucker ended it with her, being more concerned about his job even though in the end they proved he had no involvement; and Barba stopped speaking to her except when absolutely necessary.
"It's not like we were serious," Tucker had said.
"Right," she'd agreed with him, even though her stomach was churning with hurt and disappointment. She'd thought they were. She'd thought maybe Tucker was a man she could make a future with.
So when at her annual exam six weeks later, her gynecologist told her she was pregnant, Olivia went to him and shared those feelings. She was shocked when he had no interest in being a father and, in fact, blamed her for the pregnancy and encouraged her to terminate.
"You already have Noah. Do you really need another child?" the silver haired captain had said in a tone that flirted with condescension. "Isn't being a single mother to one hard enough? Besides, at your age, think about all the risks of the child not being normal."
The harshness of his words and his attitude had taken her breath away and all she could do was stare at him. When he realized he might have overstepped and offered to go with her for the procedure, Olivia shook off the hand he’d put on her arm and told him in no uncertain terms that he needn't concern himself about anything. She left the restaurant, saying a prayer of thanks she’d decided to meet him in public rather than her apartment. It was only after walking what felt like hours she found herself on the block where Rafael lived. She knew his address only from sharing cabs; she’d never actually been in his apartment. Gazing up at the building, Olivia wondered if any of his windows overlooked the street.
“Liv?”
She lowered her gaze to see Rafael approaching. He was dressed casually and carrying reusable grocery totes. If she hadn’t been so upset, the sight of him being domestic would have made her laugh and comment on it. As it was, she managed a small smile.
“Hi.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I was just -- taking a walk,” she hedged.
His eyes narrowed as he read her body language and knew she was lying.
“Try again, Lieutenant.”
As he said it, Rafael was trying not to hope she had actually been outside his building because she wanted to see him. After work. On a Friday. And not about a case. Contrary to what he’d been trying to convince himself for almost two months, the leader of Manhattan SVU had broken his heart that day in his office when she told him not to ask her if she was involved with Ed Tucker. For more than a year they’d been growing steadily closer, and if they weren’t who they were and did what they did, he’d have asked her out long ago. But they were and they did so he hadn’t and he contented himself with working lunches and a commiserating drink after a bad case before she headed home to Noah and he to his empty apartment. But even that had stopped after he found out about her and that prick from IAB. Of course, if he was honest with himself the fact that he had disclosed the relationship instead of letting them do it might have been a contributing factor. Not to mention he had been childishly ignoring her; going through her detectives and Carmen unless it was unavoidable. But now here she stood, looking like something heavy was weighing on her mind that brought her to his apartment, and trying to pass it off like she was just out for a stroll. Blocks and blocks from her own place. Before she could reply, heavy, fat Spring raindrops began to fall. Shifting his groceries, one of his large hands easily accommodated all the bags and he took her arm.
“Let’s go inside before we get soaked.”
He led the way up the stairs, releasing her for a moment to fish his keys with the security fob from his pocket to unlock and open the door. Holding it with his shoulder, he grasped her arm again and steered her through, because she didn’t look like she’d have moved on her own accord. Having been caught in the lie created a deer in the headlights expression as her brain scrambled for another reply. A gust of wind pushed the door closed behind them with a slam and the sound made Olivia jump and regain some of her composure.
“I don’t want to bother you, Barba. If you’re having people over or something.”
She indicated the bags in his hand. He laughed.
“Hardly. Half of this is for my mother. She likes the Whole Foods store down the street but won’t come here to shop, so I’m her delivery service every other week. Except for eggs. Forty six years old and she thinks I can’t carry a bag with eggs in them. Just because one time Eddie and I raced home from the store and all of them were cracked.”
Now he steered her toward the elevator, wondering what was keeping her from even smiling at his childhood story.
“Come on. Her coconut and almond milk ice cream is going to melt if we keep standing here discussing my lack of a social life. Although for the life of me I don’t understand how it can be called ice cream.”
The doors opened. A couple stepped out and Barba and they exchanged the perfunctory head bob greeting between neighbors who recognize but don’t really know each other, before he and Olivia stepped into the lift. Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t realize how many floors they were going up until the doors opened again and it announced “tenth floor”. Out came his keys again to unlock the door and he gestured her inside.
“Make yourself at home. I have to at least put the ice cream in the freezer,” Rafael said, hurrying away from her in the direction of what she presumed was the kitchen.
Olivia stepped off the slate entryway floor onto gleaming hardwood and followed him down the short hallway that opened into a living area with a vaulted ceiling that was separated from the kitchen by a raised counter with seating; much like her own apartment. The difference here was the size. His galley kitchen was twice hers and the living area easily more than double. She imagined the rent was as well. Beyond the kitchen was another hallway and on the other side of the room a set of circular stairs. She wondered if it led to his bedroom. Thoughts of a bedroom brought her mind back to why she ended up outside what felt like forever ago but was actually less than twenty minutes and was suddenly overcome with the urge to flee. Rafael turned from his refrigerator and again read her face and body language.
“Sit down, sit down. Can I get you a drink? I think I have a bottle of wine somewhere.”
“No. Thanks. Water would be good though.”
Olivia unbelted her long raincoat and shrugged out of it, draping it over a nearby chair. The room was curiously appointed. It was a mix of high end and what looked like old-fashioned furnishings. She wondered if the older pieces had been his grandmothers and sank down into a leather chair that was comfortable yet supportive.
“Just water? Would you prefer scotch?”
Rafael rounded the bar with a tumbler of scotch in one hand and water in the other. He placed the water in front of her on the coffee table and took the matching chair to her left. She picked up the water and took a sip, moistening her suddenly parched throat. Placing it back down on the table, she met his eyes.
“I can’t,” she blurted. “I’m pregnant.”
Once the words were out, they just kept coming.
“It’s Ed’s. He ended things after you disclosed our relationship and now he wants me to have an abortion. He asked me if having just one child wasn’t enough and that I need to remember at my age, the baby could have a birth defect.”
She stopped for a breath and laughed. To her own ears it was a harsh and mirthless.
“Like I don’t know how old I am every time I look in the mirror.”
“Pregnant?” Barba echoed back at her. “With Tucker’s baby?”
Olivia nodded and reached for the water again. This time, her hand shook and she abandoned the action. Saying the words to someone other than Tucker and hearing them repeated back to her suddenly drove home the reality of it all. Her eyes filled with tears and she looked at the man opposite her. The one with whom she trusted to share all this information.
“What am I going to do, Rafael?”
He took a gulp of his own drink, the burn reminding him this was not a dream. That the woman he had unrequited feelings for just told him she was pregnant with another man’s child. Seeing the tears in her eyes threw him. He’d never seen her cry before. Pulling his handkerchief from his pocket, he held it out to her. She took it and dried her eyes.
“What do you want to do, Liv?”
“I don’t know!”
She covered face with her hands and began to cry.
Barba dropped to his knees in front of her and put his arms around her. Her tears threw him. Where was the strong, decisive, opinionated woman he knew and loved? They had never embraced before and she was surprised at how strong his arms felt around her, creating a sense of security. It was a feeling she’d never had with Tucker. Olivia sat back in the chair and wiped her face again.
“I’m sorry.”
He let her pull out of his arms, and settled for taking her hand in his. The clock over her shoulder in the kitchen reminded him it was past dinner and additional conversation might be improved with food.
“Have you eaten?”
Olivia shook her head.
“No, I fed Noah before I went to meet Ed. I couldn’t. I was too nervous.”
“You just told him today? No, don’t answer that yet.”
Rafael pushed to his feet and pulled her upright.
“I’m going to make us something. Come keep me company.”
“I’d like to freshen up.”
“Of course.The guest room and bath is the first door on the right,” he told her, pointing down the hall. “Take your time.”
So his bedroom was upstairs, she thought, making her way through the tastefully but plainly decorated spare room to the adjoining bathroom. Once the door was closed behind her, she looked at her reflection in the mirror over the sink. She had mascara under her eyes. Eyes that were showing her age on the downslide toward fifty today, Olivia thought. Am I too old to have a baby? She was so tired today. She knew it was probably just early pregnancy exhaustion and emotions, but was it going to get any better, she wondered. Dealing with Noah and an infant by herself? She washed her face and left the bathroom, giving the bed a longing look. Olivia sat down on the side of the bed and sighed at how comfortable it felt. Her mattress was the same one she and Brian Cassidy bought when they moved in together and felt its age. She kicked her shoes off, swung her legs up and curled up on her side with her head on the pillow.
Rafael was engrossed in getting ingredients ready for a simple meal when he realized Olivia hadn’t returned. He made his way to the spare bedroom to make sure she was all right and found her sound asleep on the bed, her face looking calm and peaceful for the first time since he’d returned home to find her on his figurative doorstep. He took the afghan his abuelita made from the foot of the bed and draped it over her. Then he returned to the kitchen.
When she opened her eyes, Olivia was disoriented at first. She didn’t recognize the room or the soft blanket over her, but the scent on it was comforting. Then she remembered. She was at Rafael’s apartment. The smell of cooking food made her stomach growl and she remembered, too, that he said he was going to make them dinner. She threw back the cover and rolled to a sitting position at little too quickly, making herself lightheaded. After a moment it disappeared and she picked up her shoes and padded from the room toward the source of the mouth-watering smells.
“Hi,” Rafael greeted her with a smile when he saw her. He was sitting at the bar with a legal pad and papers spread out around it, his omnipresent gold pen in his hand.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, perching on a tall chair beside him. “I can’t seem to get enough sleep lately.”
“No problem. You didn’t sleep long enough to ruin dinner.”
His smile turned into a familiar cheeky grin.
***************
“I know I already said it, but thank you. Again.”
Rafael had just slid into a diner booth and she was joining him; the opposite bench filled with bags from a baby and toddler superstore. He had insisted on going with her to purchase things on her growing list of needs for both Noah and the baby. He had also insisted on footing the bill.
“You did and you’re welcome. Again.”
Over the past few months, the two had resumed their close relationship that hers with Tucker had torn asunder. Barba had taken to showing up at her apartment after what he knew had been a long day for her. He’d cook while she rested on the couch and had even learned how to bathe and prepare Noah for bed. The toddler still required his mother to tuck him in, but by that time, she had usually regained some energy.
“I don’t think I can sit here. Can we move the table farther away?”
She turned and put her legs into the aisle, to give her expanding belly more room as he gave it an experimental push, and nearly tripped someone walking past.
“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Olivia exclaimed, trying to turn back into the booth, elbowing the man beside her in the process.
“No problem -- Olivia.”
She looked up into the face of Ed Tucker, who’s eyes had gone from her face to her belly. She instinctively placed a protective hand on it.
“Ed.”
His blue eyes moved to the man beside her, who had succeeded in moving the table enough she could turn back into the booth comfortably.
“I see you decided to go ahead with all this foolishness,” Tucker said, “and found someone to go along with it.”
Rafael felt Olivia stiffen beside him and he reached out to put his arm around her shoulders, looking up at the other man.
“And why wouldn’t I? I wasn’t about to leave her to have the baby alone,” he said smoothly.
Tucker’s eyebrows rose.
“I see. Well, best of luck to the three of you, then.”
He nodded his head and continued down the aisle.
Olivia whipped her head to look at Barba.
“What the hell was that?”
“What?”
“You just made it sound like this baby is yours!” she hissed.
“Well, it’s not like that asshole was ever going to claim it. I wasn’t going to let him hurt you any more, Liv. He did enough of that when he told you to have an abortion.”
That first night when she showed up at his apartment, after her nap and some dinner, Olivia told him about her meeting with Tucker and what he’d said. As gently as he could, Rafael asked if terminating the pregnancy was something she wanted to consider. Her eyes filled with tears again as she told him the story of an abortion she’d had in college. It was the best decision for her at the time; unfortunately, the physician was young and unskilled and not all of the tissue was removed, resulting in an infection and requiring a second procedure. After that, her doctors told her the likelihood of her getting pregnant again was slim. As a result, the older she got, the less careful she was with birth control. She told him about the scare she’d had when she was dating Brian Cassidy, right before the case when they found Noah.
Rafael’s arm was still around her shoulders and she leaned into him, feeling overwhelmed with emotion and exhaustion. This was the closest thing they’d come to an embrace since that first night and he felt his heart start to pound as she relaxed against him. Barba had fought to keep his feelings for the SVU lieutenant platonic when she began to rely on him more as her pregnancy progressed. As far as he knew, she still harbored feelings for her baby’s father, and he didn’t want to get in the way of that, even though it was clear Tucker didn’t feel the same way. But who knew how he might feel once the baby was born? Before he could help himself, he pressed his lips to her temple.
“Thank you, Rafael,” she said quietly, then straightened up and said, “I don’t know about you, but the baby and I are hungry.”
He had just come out of court when his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Olivia.
“Hi, Liv. How was the doctor’s appointment?” he asked, making his way back to his office. “Are we having a boy or a girl?”
She had an appointment and ultrasound scheduled for that day. He’d offered to request a continuance and go with her, but she refused to let him and was now regretting her stubbornness. At her first ultrasound when the doctor told her she could know the sex of the baby, Olivia had declined. But later when the doctor wanted to do a second scan due to her advanced maternal age, she decided she wanted to know. For planning purposes, she’d told Rafael, but he suspected she just couldn’t wait to find out. As she listened to his voice, it calmed the anxiety she didn’t realize she’d had and she felt the tension start to leave her muscles.
“A boy but --” she paused, realizing he’d said we.
“Noah will love having a brother,” Rafael told her. “I always wanted one.”
“Yes, he’s part of why I’m calling. The doctor admitted me for observation and some tests. She didn’t like what she saw on the ultrasound.”
Her words brought him to a complete halt in the hallway, nearly causing the person walking behind to collide into him.
“What? What’s wrong with the baby? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. The baby is fine,” Olivia assured him. “The doctor just wants to make sure we stay that way. But Lucy has a class tonight and needs to leave at six. She’ll come back after and stay with Noah overnight. Can you just watch him while she’s in class?”
He began walking again, more quickly this time, and glanced at his watch. It was a little past three.That gave him time to go see Olivia then change clothes before he had to be at her place to relieve Lucy.
“Of course. I’ll be right there. I just need to let Carmen know I’m leaving for day. See you soon.”
Olivia leaned back against the pillows in the bed she’d been put in and closed her eyes. She’d started to tell him there was no need to come to the hospital, but he’d already hung up. She wasn’t exactly sure what the concern was, only that the physician had come into the room where she’d had the ultrasound and asked if she’d had any spotting. When the answer was no, the doctor seemed relieved and said she was going to admit Olivia overnight for a few tests. She was in a half doze when she heard the door open. She opened her eyes to see Rafael’s perfectly coiffed head poking in. She smiled.
“You can come in.”
He entered the room and drew one hand from behind his back to hold out a small vase of mixed flowers. He looked at the one with a half dozen roses, but decided that was too much. Her smile broadened.
“I’m only going to be here one night. But thank you. You didn’t have to come here, you know.”
“Yes, I did. I should have come with you to the appointment,” he said, putting the vase on the night table and perching on the edge of the bed, much like he did on her desk. “What did the doctor say?”
“Nothing yet. They’ve taken my blood. Another ultrasound has been ordered but I don’t know when that’s going to happen.”
A frown flickered across her face.
“I hate not knowing.”
“I know.” Rafael picked up her hand where it lay on the blanket and held it in his larger one. “It will be fine, Liv. If there’s a problem, we’ll handle it together.”
His words brought sudden tears to her eyes.
“Rafa, I don’t know what I’d do without you. What did I do to deserve everything you’ve done?”
Before he could reply, the door opened and an orderly came in pushing a wheelchair.
“Ready for your ultrasound, Ms. Benson? Your husband can come along if he wants.”
“He’s not my husband,” Olivia said quickly; too quickly. Rafael dropped her hand and stood up.
“I should be getting to your place to relieve Lucy anyway,” he said, hiding the sting he felt at her fast denial. “I’ll talk to you later.”
He was out the door before she could say anything. The orderly had the grace to look abashed.
“I apologize. I didn’t mean to assume --”
“It’s all right,” Olivia said, swallowing the lump in her throat that was there not from her first wave of emotion but from Rafael’s abrupt departure. She pushed back the covers so she could get out of the bed. “Let’s do this.”
Olivia was back in her room, had finished her dinner and was making notes on a pad of paper she’d asked a nurse to find for her when she looked at the clock and realized Lucy would have been back to her apartment long ago. But Barba hadn’t returned. Pushing down disappointment, she reviewed her list. The doctor had ordered her on bed rest for at least two months. She had already talked to Dodds and he said she could still remain commander of the squad but his son would be acting commander and handle the day to day. Reports would still come to her and she would be kept abreast of all cases. Work was the easy part. The bigger challenge was Noah. She needed to talk to Lucy about moving in with them. Bed rest didn’t mean she had to be in bed constantly; she was allowed to go to the bathroom and shower once a day. But no going to work, cooking or cleaning. Or chasing after a three year old.
She sighed, put the pen down and rubbed her palms over her abdomen. The baby seemed to have settled down for the evening. He’d been active earlier, and she wished Rafael had been there to feel it. She loved to watch his face when she took his hand and put it where she had just felt movement. He always looked awed at the fact there was a living being beneath his palm. Her phone chimed with an incoming text. It was from Lucy, with a photo of Noah sound asleep, an unfamiliar stuffed animal tucked under his arm.
Mr. Barba tired him out. He was fed and bathed when I got back from class. Don’t worry about us tomorrow. We’ll see you when you get home.
Olivia enlarged the photo to zoom in and see what her son was holding. It was an elephant he hadn’t owned before now. She suspected it was bought by one indulgent ADA. A gentle knock on the door drew her attention. It didn’t immediately swing in to admit a nurse or doctor, so she said,
“Come in.”
Then it did move and she saw the figure of the person she’d been hoping it was.
“Rafael.”
“Is it too late?”
He hovered just inside the door, looking unsure.
“No. I was hoping you’d come back,” she admitted with a smile.
“You were?”
His stomach gave a little leap of pleasure at her words and she nodded.
“The test results came back and I’ve been put on bed rest.”
“Bed rest? For how long? Why?”
Rafael pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat down. She noticed he had changed from his work clothes. Probably before he went to her apartment to watch Noah. As much as she liked seeing him in suspenders, his jeans fit as nicely as his tailored suits.
“The placenta is too close to my cervix,” she began, and bit the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling at his look of discomfort hearing her say placenta and cervix. “Actually it’s partially covering it. It’s called placenta previa, and if I don’t do the bed rest I risk the placenta tearing and putting the baby in danger.
“But as long as I do and I don’t have any bleeding, then we should be able to make it to term. Or at least until the baby’s lungs are developed enough to do a c-section.”
“You say those things like it’s no big deal, Liv.”
“It is what it is, Rafael. I don’t have a choice.”
Olivia placed a hand on her abdomen.
“This is what I have to do to protect my baby.”
He reached out and covered it with his.
“What are you going to do about work?
“I’ve got that taken care of. Dodds will be acting commander — again — but I’ll still be in charge. Just from home.”
“Home? How are you going to take care of Noah?”
“I’m going to ask Lucy to move in. It will be a tight squeeze; she’ll have to share Noah’s room. Or I’ll move his crib in my room until the baby is born. Actually, I should probably get him moved into a regular bed before the baby needs the crib so I don’t have to buy a second one. He’s really too big for a crib, anyway.”
She reached for the tablet and jotted down Bed for Noah. Then added Sofa bed for Lucy? Or me?
Rafael watched her write, picturing her small apartment in his head.
“I have a better idea.”
She raised her head and looked at him.
“What?”
“Move in with me.”