Chapter Text
Izuku Midoriya didn’t think very highly of himself. The only reason for him to keep going was All Might. He didn’t want to let the former #1 Heroes hope and effort go to waste.
But if Izuku was to die in a battle or an accident- he really wouldn’t mind.
With a sigh, Izuku lifted his heavy eyelids. It was early morning. He didn’t want to get up. It just didn’t make sense to him anymore. Nonetheless he sat up, blanket still around his shoulders, and stared at the wall across his dorm bed.
It was plastered with All Might posters that had once brought him joy- now they were just colorful pieces of paper that held no special meaning to him. But for some reason he couldn't let go of them. Maybe, just maybe, that reason was a little bit of hope.
After several minutes of staring into the void Izuku got up. Gathering the parts of the school uniform together that he had just thrown on the floor the last evening, he thought to himself. “What if I just didn’t go to class? I could just pretend to feel sick. It would be so easy…” but he didn’t. He got dressed and before he walked out of the door, he put up a cheerful smile, like he always did. “I wonder if anyone will notice today.” But of course they wouldn’t. They never did.
On one hand, Midoriya wanted them to notice, to hug him, and tell him that it will be okay, even though he knew it wouldn’t be. On the other hand, it was his worst nightmare. “They'll never talk to me the same way, or laugh with me the same way, and they're probably all going to hate me. I am so weak. why would they want to be friends with someone as weak as me? Maybe I'll be expelled. After all, I’m unfit to be a hero. Because, what kind of hero can’t even save themselves?”
Thoughts like those crossed his mind on a daily basis. He had to ignore them. At least, for as long as he was with others. He couldn’t allow them to notice.
Izuku didn’t drop the smile, and walked out the door of his dorm room. How long until he would reach his breaking point?
The boy skipped breakfast, he usually did, since his mother wasn’t there to tell him how important it was. He went straight to class.
He was early, of course he was. Silently he sat down, never letting his facade drop. “I wonder why I didn’t meet anyone. But, thinking about it, they’re probably still asleep.” Shrugging, he looked out of the window, completely zoning out.
He only snapped back, when Uraraka tapped him on the shoulder. “Deku? Are you alright?”
Izuku flinched back a little, but put on a smile really fast.
“Uraraka! I didn’t notice you guys at all! I just got lost in my thoughts a little!” Nervously, the boy scratched his neck. Uraraka laughed a little.
“Oh, alright! Anyway, wanna go shopping after school? I know the last time we went didn’t turn out that good”, she looked at the ground, remembering how Shigaraki threatened Izuku last time, “but I’m sure this time will be better! Hagakure, Jirou, Kami and Todoroki will go as well! And maybe someone else too, I didn’t yet get to ask everyone.”
Izuku didn’t want to. He really didn’t. Not because of the last incident, but because he would be with people all day, and he really wasn’t alright. He wanted to spend the afternoon in his room, brooding, watching a show, maybe sleeping. Anything.
An excuse. He needed an excuse. “A-Ah! Sorry Uraraka… I actually wanted to study this afternoon…” Midoriya had always been good at lying. Probably, because he pretended to be happy all the time.
“Oh… Okay.” Uraraka looked at the ground. She was probably sad or disappointed, Izuku couldn’t really tell. Suddenly, he regretted his selfish answer. “Well, maybe I can try and study in the evening if we won’t be gone for too long…”
Uraraka smiled widely at the green-haired boy “Thanks!” She then proceeded to walk away cheerfully and ask Mina the same question. Izuku didn’t bother to listen, for one, because he was sure that the girl would agree, for the other, because he was pretty busy with his own thoughts: “What did I get myself into this time…” he suppressed a sigh. Whatever. The boy continued to zone out, at least until Aizawa entered the classroom.
“Quit chatting and go to your seats”, the monotone voice of his teacher interrupted Izukus thoughts. It was going to be an ordinary lesson on an ordinary school day. Nothing special happened, they didn’t even have hero training.
“Boring.”
During the last lesson, Izuku almost fell asleep. It wasn’t necessarily because math was that boring, he was just tired. Maybe he shouldn’t go to the mall with the others after all. Going to sleep was so tempting… But that would be selfish and probably a waste of time. After all, it wasn’t like he’d wake up feeling better or refreshed or anything. He’d wake up just as tired, feeling just as awful. His ‘tired’ couldn’t be cured that easily just by sleeping.
Finally, the bell rang. Izuku crashed onto his desk, allowing his eyes to fall shut. A little bit of rest…
“Deku?” The concerned voice of one of his classmates got through to him, was it Uraraka? But Izuku was already dozing off, despite the fact that he really didn’t want to.
“Oi! Deku!” Bakugou. Izuku flinched and immediately sat up straight. His heart was pounding.
“K-Kacchan?” He was still afraid of his 'childhood friend'.
“Wake the fuck up!”
“Midoriya, are you okay?” Todorokis Voice made Izuku calm down a little. He wasn’t alone. If Bakugou were to hit Izuku, Todoroki would stand up to the blonde...Right?
“A-Ah, I’m fine! Just tired. I probably didn’t get enough sleep.” he laughed nervously.
“Maybe you should get some rest then? We can go to the mall another time, or later, too!”
“Don’t worry Uraraka! It’s alright. Like I said, I’m fine!” Izuku smiled. He wasn’t fine. He wondered if he had ever been less “fine”. But he continued smiling - he always did.
Liar.
Liar. Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar liarliarliarliarliar-
Izuku wanted to yell. Not now. This was bad. Just a little bit longer. “I-I’m sorry guys! I’ll just get dressed and then meet you in the common room, okay?”
“Okay!” Ochako smiled. Izuku got up, and almost ran out of the classroom, in the process bumping into Bakugou. Immediately Midoriya went pale.
“S-Sorry Kacchan!” Averting his gaze, he quickly bowed and then left as fast as possible.
“What the hell, nerd?!”
He didn’t look back. He just had to get out of here. Halfway to the dorms, Izuku started running. He wanted to run from his thoughts and maybe even himself. But then he was there, in front of his room.
He didn’t recall the people he saw while coming here, or what path he took.
Silently Izuku opened the door. He couldn’t escape.
Liar. Useless. Idiot. Good-for-nothing. Worthless. Idiot. Idiot.
You can’t do anything right..
Worthless.
He entered, and closed the door, welcomed by the familiar darkness of his thoughts, and then he broke down. Izuku couldn’t stand it. And yet, he couldn’t allow himself to cry out in pain. ”Shut up”, he whispered.
“Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up.” As if that would make them any more silent. As if that would calm down his thoughts.
He pulled up the sleeves of his uniform with shaking hands and started scratching his lower arms viciously. “Shut up shut up shut up” When skin started to come off in some places, Izuku stopped. He wasn’t stupid:
People asked questions.
His thoughts had calmed. They weren’t gone, but it was enough. He could ignore them…
for now.
Izuku got up and tore some clothes out of his dresser. He put on a long-sleeved shirt and some jeans. His arms were going to be red for a while, but eventually would return to normal. It was fine this way. Maybe it would be alright.
The pain in his arms and the weird, almost warm feeling, from the self-inflicted scratches was calming. Izuku closed his eyes and let that feeling of pain and warmth rush through him one last time before he had to go. He didn’t enjoy the pain, but the silence inflicted by it. With a deep inhale, he put up a smile and left his room.
Maybe, it would be fun after all.
Maybe, it would be alright.