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Once upon a time there was a prince
Who ruled the kingdom of DICE, his province.
He was a bully,
The most unruly.
So no one has visited since.
A young prince named Kokichi lounged sideways on his throne. He spun a checkered scarf on a finger. “Marie, what do we have on the royal agenda?”
Marie tucked a strand of short blond hair behind her ear. The well-endowed woman wore a clown mask with thick purple lips. She unraveled a scroll. “There’s pushing yourself on the swing in the royal gardens, eating a three-course meal in the grand banquet hall by yourself, and gazing out from the tower window at your empty kingdom.”
Kokichi burst into tears. Face red, the prince waved his arms and kicked his legs. “Noooo! That’s not fun enough!” Then he went still. “The crying’s all fake by the way. Because I’m a liar. But I really am bored. Why won’t anyone play with me?”
“Because you throw temper tantrums like a child.” Kokichi glared. Marie cleared her throat. “I do not know, your royal majesty. But I know you desire to return to the golden days of old. The days we entertained neighboring kings with feasts and dancing and singing. If you wish to relive those days, then you should seek a mage. I have heard of a great and powerful archmage who can cast any spell.”
“Sure! I love Harry Potter!”
“She’s a girl, your lordship.”
“Oh. Well, she better be cuter than Hermione.”
The mage was summoned. With hair fiery red and rustic robes brown, Himiko entered the grand hall. A white tiger cub followed at her heels.
Marie made a swooping gesture to the mage. “This is the archmage whose spells bedazzle! Whose charms inspire and delight! Her curses send even the braves of knights cowering in fear!”
Himiko picked her an ear. “Nyeeeh… I’m sleepy.”
Kokichi scowled. “On the Hermione Granger scale, you’re like a negative 2.”
“Who? Well, no matter. What do you require of me, Prince Kokichi? Your notoriety has spread to all the land, even to my humble, cute ears. I have heard tales of your woe-inflicting revelry. How you ruined Kiyo the Historian’s artifact exhibit by graffitiing every glass display case. You greased the tinker Miu’s inventions with mustard. And you even beset my friend Angie, the shaman. On her island, the goose is a holy animal. But when she visited you served her roasted geese!”
Kokichi looked at his nails. “So? Geese are mean bullies who steal people’s rakes and put them in lakes. They should all be killed. Actually, wait! That’s great! I should make them the national bird! Have them pester every visitor. Marie, write that down on the royal agenda. Or should it be pigeons?” Kokichi turned to Himiko. “What do you think?”
“Nyeh?”
“Geese or pigeons?”
“I’m partial to doves myself.”
“Done. Marie, make it doves.”
“H-hey, wait! Stop with this tomfoolery! You’re more a court jester than a prince! Why have you called me?”
Kokichi nodded at Marie. She unraveled the scroll. The page bounced and rolled across the floor all the way to Himiko’s feet. Her tiger cub batted at the paper.
“I have loads of demands, but the too long; didn’t read version is this. I want you to make people like me. Then lots and lots of people will come to my kingdom. We’ll host grand feast in this hall every night! And a queen! I need a hot, super smart queen. So the complete opposite of you. Can you do it?”
Himiko growled. “I think I’ll put a curse on you instead.”
Frowning, Kokichi looked at the ground. “I’m already cursed.”
Himiko blinked. She was struck with an idea. “I-I see! If you are cursed none of my spells would work! Well, they would if I had enough MP, but right now I don’t. I dub your plight as the selfishness curse.”
Finger to his lips, Kokichi tilted his head to the side. “Selfishness curse, huh? Well that’s better than the unattractive curse you got!”
Himiko ground her teeth. Fur bristling, the cub growled. “To break the curse, I need to gather three of my magical implements. I lent two of them to civilians who needed my aid in the past. The last item I require is within my personal dwelling. First, we must travel to the puppet I bought to life.”
Kokichi jumped off this throne. “Okay, witch!”
“I’m a mage!”
“Yeah sure, whatevs.”
Himiko groaned. “This is going to be a long journey…”
And thus the prince and mage sojourned deep into the dark forest bordering the kingdom. Kokichi asked Himiko, “Are we there yet?”
“No.”
“Geez, you’re so slow, witch. Can’t you cast any spells so we can just fly there?”
“I’m a mage! And I can too cast spells! But flying has been impossible since the last of the dragon race was wiped out. You better stop calling me a witch or else I’ll quit this journey.”
“But calling you a witch totally makes sense! I mean, you’re stupid, ugly, and unrefined. So unlike the queen I need. More like a bad witch who can’t cast any spells. And are we there yet?”
“GRAAAH!” Himiko stopped and whipped out her magic wand. “Behold! I can wield the most fearsome of magic: explosion!”
A great fiery ball exploded in the distance. Kokichi gushed, “Woooow! How did–? Hey! What are you doing lying on the ground?”
“I can’t move… Using explosion magic drains all my MP. You’ll have to give me a piggyback ride now.”
Kokichi groaned. “Seriously?”
“It’s your fault for calling me a witch and saying I can’t do magic.”
Grumbling, Kokichi hauled Himiko onto his back. The tiger cub nipped his ankles. “Ouch! Stupid mutt! You – owww!”
The tiger nipped and bit Kokichi’s heels the entire way there. Kokichi set Himiko down and she knocked at the log cabin’s door. A robot with white spikey hair opened it. His every joint was articulated like a poseable action figure. “Ah, Himiko the Mage! It is good to see you again. And… is that Prince Kokichi?”
“Whoa!” gasped Kokichi. “A robot!”
“I am not a robot! My name is Keebo. I am a puppet crafted by the professor and brought to life thanks to the great wizard Himiko. But I wish to become a human like the both of you.”
“Do you have a rocket punch? Shoot lasers from your eyes? Got a d–”
“No! I do not possess any of those things!”
“Aw, how boring… Tools who can’t serve their master should just be trashed.”
Keebo grit his teeth. “I’ve heard woeful tales of you. You’re nothing but a monster. If you can’t be kinder, and nicer, too. Your kingdom will not prosper.”
Kokichi stared at the ground, saddened. Himiko stepped forward and explained their journey’s purpose to him. “So I will need the lying nose I gave you to bring you to life. Since you already absorbed the magic you required from it, returning it to me shall not revert you back into a robot puppet.”
“I understand. It is returned with my gratitude. But no spell could ever change his evil heart.” Keebo slammed the door closed.
Kokichi offered to continue carrying the mage, but she declined. The cub snarled at Kokichi before running ahead. Disheartened, Kokichi trudged through the forest in silence. A growl echoed through the woods.
“Mage Himiko!” Kokichi stood in front of Himiko, hand on his sword hilt. “Get back! Ogres are known to roam– Hey, is that your tiger?” The cub was caught in some brambles, unable to get out. Kokichi laughed. “That’s what the stupid mutt deser–” He cut himself off. Sighing, Kokichi approached, knelt down, and untangled the tiger. Purring, the cub licked Kokichi’s face. Kokichi rubbed the tiger’s head, chuckling.
Himiko bent over, hands on her knees. “I am impressed, Prince. He doesn’t just lick anyone. Only those whom he favors.”
Kokichi’s hand petting the tiger stopped. “Aren’t I a monster?”
“No. A troublesome upstart, yes, but not a monster. Just a little misguided.” Himiko offered Kokichi a hand. “Like I promised, I shall aid you.”
“Thanks.” Kokichi smiled. He grabbed her hand and stood. They stared into each other’s eyes.
Yipping, the tiger crashed through the bushes. They jerked back their hands, blushing. Together the prince and mage exited the forest. A river cut through a lush green field. Tenko stood on the bridge, hands on her hips. She stomped her foot. “Stop right there, degenerate scum! Nobody breaks the law on my watch!”
“Huh? Waaah!”
Tenko flipped Kokichi, throwing him on the ground. She frowned. “You’re not a criminal…?”
Groaning, Kokichi sat up. Himiko explained. “I instructed Tenko the martial artist the spell of reading the heart of the person she throws. She has just read yours.”
Tenko held up her fists. “I know well of your fate. No one visits, you’re alone. Your loneliness can be sate. If you’re of honest mind, heart, and tone.”
“U-um, uh, okay…”
Tenko pointed at Himiko. “And you, Himiko! Be honest in your dealings. Being shy reaps no earnings. Embrace your true feelings! And follow your heart’s yearnings.”
“W-w-what are you talking about? C-come, Prince Kokichi! We have work to do!”
Himiko yanked Kokichi up by the arm. She dragged him across the bridge. “But wait! Don’t you need some magical artifact or whatever from her?”
“I shall make do with whatever resides in my laboratory. Come hither!”
“Okay, okay, geez.”
The fated trio traversed across the field of flowers. Frowning, Kokichi gazed down at himself. He was still pondering the martial artist’s words. “Mage, the martial artist was talking about my heart. What is a heart? Do I have one?”
“Everyone possesses one, Prince Kokichi. Yours is right here.” Himiko stepped close and laid a hand over his chest. “When your chest aches, it means your heart is in torment. You feel sad.”
Kokichi gazed at the mage. “And when it races? What does that mean?”
“It…” But the mage turned her back to the prince. She did not wish to answer the question. “Right now, it does not matter. Come, my cabin is not much farther.” Her cub trailed at her heels.
Nestled at the base of a forested hill, the mage’s house lay. Ducks quaked in a nearby pond. A whole brigade of knights stood at attention outside her door. The swordsman captain, Kaito, banged his sword into the ground. “Mage Himiko! I, the hero Kaito Momota, am in need of your services!”
Himiko inquired, “What troubles you?”
The giant Gonta exclaimed, “The last dragon attack village nearby! Stealing sheep and burning homes… bad for a gentleman to do! We must stop him.”
The avocado knight scratched his head. “Yeah, I dunno what my talent is, and Kaito said somethin’ about being a knight, so…” He shrugged.
“It is as they said!” exclaimed Kaito. “We need your magic, Mage, to fell the vile beast. Your sword, too, Prince Kokichi. And while I am loathed to be indebted to Prince Kokichi, every man is needed. We must exterminate the dragon race from the face of the earth.”
The prince pondered the offer. “Well, if a dragon is attacking villages, then no one would be able to live in my kingdom. I guess I can help…”
With the prince and mage in tow, the knights drew to a halt before the village’s threshold. A mighty green dragon was roaring at the sky. Villagers fled, fearing their homes would be burned. Kaito raised his sword, shouting a battle cry. The knights rushed forward.
“Wait!” Kokichi shouted. He stood between the brigade and the dragon. The dragon lowered its head. Kokichi stroked its snout. “This dragon is the last of its kind. He’s sad and lonely, just like me. So please, knights, if you don’t mind. Do not kill him, just let him be.”
The mage smiled. For this was the first time the prince had helped another. “Your selfishness curse is now broken, Prince Kokichi.”
“It is? I thought we needed your magical artifacts.”
“Well, that is because… Er. There wasn’t a curse to begin with. I just desired your aid in retrieving my items. Obtaining them myself would have been a pain… But by traveling on this journey, you’ve become less selfish. You’ve earned everyone’s respect.”
Kaito grinned. “I see. A hero should not condone violence. Well done, Prince Kokichi.”
Gonta nodded. “Yes, a gentleman never hurt a friend!”
The tiger cub rubbed his head against Kokichi’s leg. Kokichi smiled. “Thank you, Mage, for everything.” He took her hand. “But I also asked for a queen, remember? A beautiful and smart queen. And while you’re ugly, you’ll do.”
Himiko laughed. “It is fortunate my spells see through your lies and trickery. I know how you truly feel. Yes, I will be happy to be your queen.”
They shared true love’s first kiss. The dragon roared, the cub yipped, and the knights gave a cheer.
So the prince and mage, hearty with laughter
Were married by the pastor
DICE held a feast,
They flew off on the beast,
And they lived happily ever after.
“…And they lived happily ever after. The end.” Kokichi shut the book with finality. “That’s the end, kiddos! And no griping! It’s way past your bedtime.”
Emeline, wavy dark hair billowing, bounced on the pink bed. “What next? What next?”
Her elder brother Akeshi asked, “Yeah, what happens next, Daddy?”
Kokichi smirked. “Well the dragon drops them off in a dark, secluded cave where they get down to–”
Himiko swatted his arm, scowling. She hefted baby Michio sleeping on her shoulder.
“Nee-heehee! Okay, okay come on.” At Kokichi waving, Akeshi jumped off his sister’s bed. Smiling, their father helped Emeline wiggle under her pink blanket. “Didja like the story we told you?”
“Yeah, cuz it was about Mommy and Daddy!”
Akeshi cried, “No, it’s not! It’s about Himiko and Ko… the prince guy!” Himiko snorted.
“Yeah. Mommy and Daddy.”
Akeshi stamped his foot. “No, it’s not!”
Kokichi asked, “What’s my name, Akeshi?”
“It’s Dad.”
Exhaling, Kokichi pinched the bridge of his nose. “How old are you?”
“Five.”
Kokichi kissed his head. “Good thing you’re going to school this year. You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed.”
“Hey, Daddy?” called Emeline. “When can we meet your dragon?”
Groaning, Kokichi’s head dropped back. At the commotion, baby Michio let out a cry. Himiko rocked him, whispering reassurances. Catching Kokichi’s eye, she jerked her head towards the door.
Kokichi ruffled Akeshi’s hair. “Go on ahead to your room. We’ll be right there.”
“Okay, Dad!” Socks pounding on the carpet, Akeshi took off.
Kokichi tucked the covers up to Emeline’s chin. Kissed her forehead. “Goodnight. Love you,” he murmured against her bangs.
Emeline reached up and squeezed his neck for all her little arms’ worth. “Love you, too, Daddy! Thanks for the story!” Chuckling, Kokichi pecked her cheek.
Baby still fussing, Himiko stepped in and kissed her brow. “Good night. Now get to sleep. We better not come up here and find you playing with your toys!”
“I wooon’t.”
Himiko chuckled. Kokichi opened the door for his wife. “Sweet dreams.” He turned off the light and closed the door.